help; what should i do?

myothercarisaferrari

you were so me 5 months ago. I lived with my ex for 4 years and as I had no family or close friends by, his family were everything to me

I worked hard 7 days a week, cleaned the house, had hs tea on the table every night, basically worshipped him.

I came home one day after work and he wanted to end it. It came out of no where as we had no problems as such and I was devastated. I took my dogs and left there and then. I couldnt eat, sleep and begged him fo weeks to take me back.

5 months on I have moved 300 miles away and started to rebuild my life. I have started a new job and met some new friends and my mum is only down the road. Its been hard emotionally and financially but its true when people say time is a healer.

Please please don't hang around, waiting for her to decide if she wants you or not. Its not fair and if she truly loved you, she would want to work things ok.

Chin up and look forwards. If you want to chat please PM me. x

PS as for his family - 'the daughter they never had, the best DIL you could ask for' - I havent had an email or text from them even seeing how I am. Blood is thicker than water x

Chinkle

You have to let this young lady go, she can't work anything out while you are smothering her so. She isn't making an effort in the relationship, because she can't see anything of value in it right now.

It maybe other issues that are the problem, or it maybe she doesn't want to be in this relationship anymore. You aren't going to find out which while you try to accommodate her needs and toss your own aside.

You sound like you have a lot of self-esteem issues so by all means go get some individual counselling.

NOTSUREWHATTODO_3

hi everyone,

she is staying at her parents house this evening now. its gonna be a rough night as i havent slept on my own for years. i think you are right. i need to let her have time on her own to sort out her own head. she isnt a vindictive or nasty person as some have indicated. i think she has reached the conclusion at the mo that she can remeber what she is getting out of the relationship anymore.

i am fully aware (and really dont want to sound arrogant) that i am a good guy and deserve to be in a good relationship, but it takes two to create that relationship. i am just as much to blame for it going wrong as she is, with neither of us making the changes we needed to, to get us back in bliss.

i would dearly love the opportunity to fix our problems, but cannot have that opportunity until i know and can trust her decision to get some help. we have got ourselves into a destructive spiral that we can fix or let break.

its a horrible situation to be in but ive got to be an adult and deal with it. it sucks !!! hard i know, but its reality.

it feels even worse when i think of the plans i had started to form in my mind over the next few years about kids, marriage, bigger houses etc. i dont want to have to start all over again with someone new, especially if that person isnt the one. which then leads me into the horible doubt situation where i can never trust a new partner incase it happens again! this is would want to avoid at all cost, but who the hell knows whats going to happen in life?

arrrgghhh! nightmare. lol.

thanks for all your replies guys, and please keep them coming. i will keep you all updated as the situation progresses.

A.

euronorris

You haven't had one night apart in the last few years? She's never stayed over at a friend's house for the night (to save on cab fares or just to be with her friends) etc? Perhaps it is good for you to have some space apart from each other then. I am beginning to think that you have both become him and her, the single entity, rather than him and her, the individuals who work well together.

Now, for this:

"it feels even worse when i think of the plans i had started to form in my mind over the next few years about kids, marriage, bigger houses etc. i dont want to have to start all over again with someone new, especially if that person isnt the one. which then leads me into the horible doubt situation where i can never trust a new partner incase it happens again! this is would want to avoid at all cost, but who the hell knows whats going to happen in life?"

I wouldn't worry about this too much at the moment as you may not need to start over just yet. However, I would like to say that it probably won't be as scary when the time comes. If you find someone who is right for you, who you get on with, have fun with, love etc, you may feel very differently about the relationship as a whole. You may even look back on this one and understand a) why it didn't work and/or b) why the new one does work and why it will last.

Can you invite a friend round tonight? Get a movie and some snacks and just try to relax a bit?

Primrose

It's a difficult situation for you but I think you have to accept that your girlfriend no longer feels the same about your relationship as you do. I suspect that she would probably like to break it off but is finding it hard to "do the dirty thing". It sounds as if she has some unresolved issues, which may or may not be connected to your relationship, but the reality seems to be that she no longer finds you sexually attractive and I doubt whether any relationship can sustain that big negative for long with running into difficulties.

I suggest you give her the space she needs. I don't think Relate or counselling will help here because it seems to me she's probably already made up her mind. She's just trying to make the break in easy stages to avoid animosity.

Lotus-eater

Give her as much space as she wants, don't contact her unless you have to. If she wants you she will come back.
Maybe her remark that she doesn't want someone who is a pushover, means something a bit deeper than recent activities?
Women like nice guys, but they also want someone a bit dangerous sometimes.

Buy a motorbike or something A Raleigh chopper might do it.

londoner1998

I do agree that if you haven't spent a night apart in all that time, you might need to do this now. It is not helthy to lose your identity in such a way- you need to spend time apart to re-charge with yourself and be able to miss each other.
We do this very so often (either a long night out separately with our respective best friends or staying at friends/family houses- I have spent a week or away every so often, either developing my yoga practise abroad or dealing with business back home, him going on a boys only weekend with his brother and friends). It is very healthy and it develops the trust in each other.

Don't fret- go to the cinema, or like they have suggested get a mate around and try to relax a bit- you know this is what you need- you can only go forward on this one, in whichever way you choose to...

You seem like a very nice, mature guy- don't worry too much, what is meant to be , it will be

NOTSUREWHATTODO_3

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Give her as much space as she wants, don't contact her unless you have to. If she wants you she will come back.
Maybe her remark that she doesn't want someone who is a pushover, means something a bit deeper than recent activities?
Women like nice guys, but they also want someone a bit dangerous sometimes.

Buy a motorbike or something A Raleigh chopper might do it.

lol, i think youre right. i have become a bit limp in the standing up for myslef deparment.

on a realted note tho, i bought myself a litle vespa at the end of last year which i will be hooning around on all summer. its a 200 so i can have passengers which will keep me entertianed once the weather finally breaks.

busiscoming2

OP I am pleased you have got your drinking under control, you should be proud of yourself for recognising it.

I think you may have found your relationship is coming to a natural end. You are avoiding the arguments that may end with goodbye, but I think you may have to face up to the fact that this is better it happens now than drags on for years with neither of you truly happy.
Give her some space, then talk to her and be brave enough to end it if it isnt going anywhere. You don't want to look back in ten years time and have regrets.

nzmegs

Nobody seems to have mentioned this yet. But if your relationship is over you need to comsider what will happen about the house. Can you afford it on your own. She will need to be paid out for her half. I know it might seem like early days, and it is. But don't be surprised when these issues start to come up. perhaps start to do some investigation to see where you stand.

Some time apart may be all you need - but I beleive your girlfriend is ready to move on. To move to her mum's is a pretty clear indication. You don't have children and are not married. It is simply a relationship which is coming to an end.
It is not nromal not to have sex regularly in any relationship and I think this is a good sign that you aren't exactly made for each other.
You will be fine and from the sounds of it you are a lovely guy and will find someone new. Given time you may find that you can find frendship with your girlfriend and her family. These things do happen. But some time apart to begin would be the best way forward for now.