help; what should i do?

NOTSUREWHATTODO_3

Hi everyone,

Ive taken out a new name as im an active poster on here and am a bit nervous about what im gonna ask. Please be honest and read everything as this is a massive post.

Basically, over the weekend my missus of the last 4.5 years told me that she’s not sure if she wants to be with me anymore. She is 24, im 28; we own a flat together and have lived in since April 2007.

Now I have found this devastating to say the least. We met at uni when we were younger (I was 24 and she was 20). Everyone always thinks we are the perfect couple. We have been through rough patches couple of times in the last year or so where we have both said that we need to work on our relationship to make it better as is not as fun anymore. Every time this has happened we have made some positive changes to our lives but seem to always find ourselves back here again.

I have supported her through some huge transitions where she has now given up work and has started a 2 year fulltime masters (started 2 months ago) where I am paying the mortgage and all the bills (she gets a bursary which helps). I am happy to do this as it is retraining into something she has always wanted to do, but it is an investment in our future.

I have suggested relate several times and she doesn’t really want to go there as she isn’t sure about our relationship anymore, plus she suffered with mild depression when she was younger, which im not sure she has ever fully recovered from. So she hates therapy but I want to try.

At the moment we have been discussing having time apart for her to clear her head and really thing about things which is destroying me inside, but I have to let it happen if I have any chance of reconciling our lives together. She went home last night to her mums as it was mother’s day and she needed to see her mum. She was there trying to cook and crying her eyes out so they all went out for tea. I stayed home alone because my mum doesn’t know that im having relationship trouble, and she had my brother and family over for dinner yesterday, and I didn’t want to ruin their day. (I cooked my mum a dinner sat night and gave her a present just to let you all know I have seen her for mother’s day).

My missus mum is pretty upset too as im am part of the family now and have a great relationship with her two brothers and parents as well as her extended family. It pains me to write it as my parents are separated (whom I see as often as I can) and I hardly see my brother so it seems like im loosing most of my family. I know I am welcome with any of them, but im scared that it would be beyond weird if we were to split up. I see them more as my close friends rather than potential brothers in law we are that close.

We have had problems with our sex lives after the first year or so which has been a big part of our relationship problems for me. We used to be at it like rabbits as all couples are in the beginning, but now my missus just doesn’t want to. She has admitted to me that she doesn’t want to have sex. Ever. And could go without entirely. She enjoys it while we are having it, but doesn’t want to ever initiate it at all. Basically we have gotten to once every 2 - 3 weeks. I used to pester her a bit for sex, and have cooled that off as it was annoying her, which helped slightly but it has only led to even less frequent sex. I have a pretty active libido, but have toned it down as much as I can to help our relationship work, but this has only led to allot of masturbation (sorry if I make anyone blush) a few times a week, normally at night when she is asleep (in a separate room I might add!). I have told her about this and she says it’s her problem.

We still both love cuddling and being with each other, and when we are together it’s just nice and affectionate. I am finding this so hard as I don’t want to split up, am worried that ive wasted the last 5 years, am getting very old (im 29 this year) and are going to be alone for a long time. I don’t enjoy being single as im a bit shy when it comes to meeting people, and always have problems finding the right balance between having a drink and getting drunk when im very nervous.

I have become much better with my drink in the last two years as one night about two years ago I got wasted (I was still in uni binge mode). More drunk than I have ever been. I then kissed a random girl on a dance floor and freaked out and left the club.

I had to tell my missus but it took me a day and a half to pluck up the courage to tell her. I have never ever felt so low, and so bad as that day. I was ill with guilt and remorse for about three weeks. She was devastated. I gave up drinking for a long time and have now overcome what I can only self diagnose as a drinking problem (binge drinking) that I started when I was 13. I enjoy my drinking now as a social thing maybe 1 or two in an evening (once a week maybe) with food and friends or family, and have never drunk anything like what I did that night. She has forgiven me which I love her for, but I can never forgive myself fully. I admitted to her yesterday that the kissing on the dance floor was probably an early sign that the sex and I thought lack of affection was affecting me which made me stray when I lost all self control. Whether this was the case I cannot say as it is still (and I hope always) the biggest mistake I have ever made in my life.

when I gave up drinking like that, I stopped going out almost entirely, became allot more serious and I think robbed myself of my humour as I was always the happy go lucky guy, and I became the sensible type instead. I started reading this site like the bible which has helped me save thousands but has made me very serious and preachy.

this may have had along term knock on effect that has now killed my relationship as my now boring self that isn’t as fun anymore has taken allot of the excitement and joy out of the relationship. I have tried to be more fun but its hard when you know you’re girlfriend is falling out of love with you.

My missus said to me that she has been texting another guy for about a week that she met on a night out last week. She didn’t want to give him her number but he got it (I know) and has been texting her all week. She didn’t kiss him or anything, but she has still been texting him even though she told him she had a boyfriend. This hurt me allot. Last night she texted him saying to stop texting her as she needs to sort her head out, and she deleted his number.

We have been on a very slow decline for two years I think but have been fun in the meantime too. She was always stressed and upset about work (she used to work in a school and was always caught as a pawn in the middle of epic power struggles), which I have tried my utmost to be a rock for her which she loves me for.

I have avoided arguments with her recently too (I don’t want to get into an argument about something small that leads to "I don’t want to be with you anymore" so have let things slide further im afraid. I said this to her last night and she said its true and it’s not attractive that I don’t hold my ground anymore. This hurt, but its true and I needed to hear it.

I have suggested we try to do some new pursuits together. I.e. running, dancing, cycling anything. She says that her head is all over the place and she doesn’t know what she wants. It’s so hard as I don’t know what to do. We have suggested that she stay at her mums (it’s about a mile down the road) for a while to help her sort her head out (the uni course is very hard also and very stressful so she doesn’t have much time to think). Im on tender hooks all the time, can’t really eat, and can’t smile. I want to talk to someone about it but everyone at work thinks were peachy plus im under allot of stress to get work out. All my mates think we are the perfect couple and to be honest, none of them has much of a relationship if any so probably cant give me much guidance. I could talk to my mum but she is already fearful that her family is shrinking all the time, and she loves my missus as much as I do. It would be devastating to hear.

Please help as im don’t know what to do. I haven’t even got onto the flat and all the stuff we own together and what happens to that. As things pan out I will keep asking questions ad answering people that offer advice. Thanks everyone.

A.

Lotus-eater

Wow, ok I'm sure I haven't taken all of that in yet.

I just wonder if she is just afraid of breaking up with you and is dragging it out.

You have to put all the relations to one side and concentrate on you and your OH, that's all that is really important.
I can certainly understand you are afraid of being alone, but you are young, you will meet someone else if it comes to that. You can work on yourself to become what you want to be, how you want to act.

Let her move out and see what happens, let her decide. There is no point forcing someone to stay with you if they don't want to. By forcing, I could mean just making sure you tiptoe round any argument knowing it will probably end in you splitting up.

Having a relationship where you put up with her txting other men, isn't any sort of relationship, unless you want her to go out with other men and I've known people that do, I don't judge, it means nothing to me personally.

You need to ask yourself honestly, do you think this is really the end?

gingin_2

It is a veeeery long post to read and make sense of.

There is nothing to say that you can't still be close to her family, her brothers can still be your mates and she should never feel that she should stay with you out of duty to everyone else.

Maybe some time apart might be good for you? It does sound like it has fizzled out but it is whether it can be started up again.

Are you more fearful of being alone, or losing her?

euronorris

Hi there OP!

I have to say, upon reading your post, I've noticed that you are doing a lot to accomodate her, support her and try to hold onto her. What exactly is she doing in this respect, to accomodate you, support you and try to hold onto the relationship?

Also, I've tried to pick out some parts of your relationship that you feel positively about, and there aren't very many?

Sorry to be harsh, but I think you need to be clear about what you are fighting for here.

I'm sorry that things are so tough for you right now. HUGS! They will improve in time, I'm sure.

I would like to note though that a) 29 is not old! Really, really not! and b) don't ever back down in arguments to the degree that you did previously. Apart from making you less attractive, it also leaves you open to being walked all over and taken advantage of.

Stay strong x

Astara

First of all well done for sorting out your drinking. It does sound as if you have done everything to be there for your girlfriend and have tried to please her and tend to her needs. But in the process it feels like you are 'treading on eggshells' in an attempt to keep her and not rock the boat. Would it be a good idea for you to go to Relate on your own or see a counsellor to talk these things through and get some support. You sound like a sensitive, caring young man who has lost some confidence in himself and maybe taken on too much responsibility in trying to make his girlfriend's life better. At 24 she is still young and is it possible that she feels a bit trapped? Some time apart could be good for you both but you need to keep in communication with one another.

Minxy_Bella

If you love her, let her go.

If she loves you, she'll come back.

Don't make yourself a pushover - she's told you she doesn't find that attractive. There's no reason why you can't remain close to her family.

Best of luck xxx

LabLover

Hey , couldnt read and run, bits of your post really stood out to me because it sounded alot like me and my partner a few years back. We have been together 6 years , im 23 and he is 26 and last year we had a similar break up I went to my mums for a few days and was so gutted , I couldnt eat or sleep,just cried the whole time my partner on the other hand seemed adamant that there was nothing we could do we had drifted apart and it wasnt fun anymore and it was best to call it quits -he had been texting another girl , nothing flirty I saw them all but was sure that we should split up. Couple of days later he asked me if I would come and walk the dog with him and he admitted that he had missed me so much and didnt want us to seperate but it seemed easier just to split up than try and make it work. Fast forward a year , we got engaged about 9 months ago and are looking to buy our own place ( we rent at the minute) Im not trying to give you false hope because none of us know what your OH thinks about the whole situation and Im not saying it was easy either .We had to do alot of talking to do,we had to say alot of stuff thats sometimes difficult to talk about but we got there. We have our disagreements like everyone else but we can talk about it much better now than we ever could have.

emsywoo123

Minxy_Bella wrote: »

If you love her, let her go.

If she loves you, she'll come back.

Don't make yourself a pushover - she's told you she doesn't find that attractive. There's no reason why you can't remain close to her family.

Best of luck xxx

This is exactly what I thought. Precisely

NOTSUREWHATTODO_3

thanks guys,

i know im more afraid of loosing her and her family unit, than of being alone, as i can meet new people if i need to but i just dont want to. i have had a text from her this morning asking whether she should take some stuff with her this evening and go straight round to her mum`s instead of coming home. i said back to her that i really dont want her to go but she has got to take some time for herself to really listen to her heart and decide what she wants. its destroying me to write that to her, but its what needs to happen. you are both right when you say that i need to let her decide what she wants.

i would love to give it a go and get some therapy to help us get our spark back, but its not a one way street.

she says that my relationship with her family wont ever change, but i think it would be very awkward sitting there with them chatting and being happy, when my heart is broken and the girl i love is sitting there opposite. i might be wrong, but i just cant see it.

i will still see one of the brothers on a regular basis down the gym, but its just not the same.

about her texting somone else. it was litterally only last week, and is over. she feels bad about doing it and had no plans to ever see him again, but it still hurts to hear. thanks for your replies and keep them coming. i wiull keep updating the post as i go on!

A.

londoner1998

Hey, sorry to hear you are going through difficulties...You remind me very much of how my OH and I have been for a couple of years, following the death of my dad.
First of all, you have been together for a while, and it is just natural that you need to make adjustaments to the realtionship. I too went thorugh a Masters Degree and I can tell you it is very hard. The exhaustion is a libido killer and I totally understand the 'can't be bothered but enjoy it once I am there' situation. I had been like that with lost of job changes, the death of my dad and money problems. It has now returned and we are back on a healthy balance. It is very frustrating for the partner but you seem to be very understanding. Why don't you offer to giver her a foot rub or back massage without suggestion or initation of sex? This will show her you love her and appreciate and will get your bodies to familiarise wih each other. Without pressure for her.

As for the fun bit, please, try to make time to do things that take her mind off work and studies, it is very important- why don't you get together with mates for a dinner or cinema? She says she needs to get her head sorted- has anything traumatic happened to her? It took me two and a half years and alot of counselling to get to where I am now but I was in a similar position to you and your girlfriend- at some point I thought I coudln;t do it anymore, even though I love my OH more than anything else.

Have you tried to speak to her openly and tell her exactly what you told us? ie, you know you are not perfect, but you love her and are prepared to do whatever it takes to be happy again. Don't get too bogged down with seriousness, my feeling is that she is going through a very stressful time and needs support. Does she have any hobbies she enjoy on her own? I would encourage that, as well as the going out a bit and taking life less seriously.
You sound like a sensitive guy, please don't throw the towel just yet- give it a chance, but make sure you tell her how you feel- she might be under the impression that you don't care enough...show her, but be open and sincere.
Good luck.
A

Diane1961_2

Dear NOTSUREWHATTODO
Judging by your post you do know what to do but have analysis paralysis.
Often in life you just need to take action so if it looks like a duck, sounds like a duck and walks like a duck, it probably is a duck.

The practical details are secondary, and you already know where to go for help with those (here). Have a bit more faith in yourself, you have survived this far, and no-one is as confident as they seem.

Consideration for others does not mean doing what they want, it means that you consider your actions (thoughts, words, deeds), and how they might impact on others/surroundings, and then choose. You are the only person you are responsible for (children are a rapidly diminishing responsibility).

Whilst I am in danger of sounding my age, you are still a very young man. Most people and organisations won't take you seriously until you're well into your 30's so give yourself a break!! You've started building your relationship skills very well, your self awareness is very high, you take life a bit too seriously but you're in danger of being a catch!!!
Go live life and be all that you are inside, that what it's for.
With love