Help needed re elderly parent (Scotland)

16011996

thinking of you. wish could help, but was just sad reading your post. know you're all in my thoughts,

take care 160

jockettuk

prattle on as much as you like...my dad who is in glasgow has had a stroke recently although we have found out its not as serious as it could have been so been interesting reading what is going on with your dad.. my dad is in a warden controlled block that he moved to a few years ago and we all hoping that he will be able to move back there and mabey lead some kind of normallity with help of care workers..he has one who comes in tues and thurs now anyway..... anyway keep us informed nice to see how these things end up .. dont give up hope of mabey getting some help soon

Jockthearab

Hope you don't mind this being bumped back up, thought I'd share what's been happening over the last couple of months...

His care manager has been brilliant. Got a psychiatric nurse involved & a CT brain scan was done two weeks ago-we still await results but with what's been happening it all points to dementia.

Sadly, he has lost both his cats. One died in it's sleep, the other started to suffer severe athritis. As they were both approx 23 years old, I felt the kindest thing was to put her to sleep-that was a hard decision for me.

We cancelled Dad's MOW's as he continued to lose weight & was barely eating what was being delivered. Instead I do a weekly shop at Asda, getting him frozen meals, soup, yoghurts, rice puddings, fruit etc & the home care girls microwave these meals for him. Seems he's enjoying the variety more & eating more, although he's now a 30" waist.

What else? Enjoyed a week of respite in residential care whilst I was on a family holiday, yet 'denied' (forgot) he'd been there when i asked him how he'd got on (He was a big hit with the ladies allegedly as he was the only guy there )Hmm, he's blew up the 2nd microwave of the year (& broke his 2nd toaster) slept in his chair overnight with his gas fire on whilst there was a leak from it then tried to 'fix' his by then disconnected gas fire i.e dismantled it at front trying to light it with matches, went on a wandering expedition to his Post Office early on a Monday morning...I could go on.

As a result of this his care manager suggested we apply for residential care but advised it can be a long waiting list. She suggested that he had a great care package but it was no longer sustaining him as it should...after doing a financial review Thursday past, she phoned yesterday to say he can have a placement next week!

So whilst I'm obviously delighted that he's going to be somewhere safe, my life's soon gonna be in turmoil re' the house etc. I need to phone/cancel services that are currently in Dad's name e.g Cable, inform others re change of address etc. Before I can sell the house it defo needs a new kitchen to appeal to a family, possibly a new bathroom & general redecorating. As I don't have a few £000 lying around I'll need to remortgage, organise myself or tradesmen to do it up..great fun at an already stressful time of year...

Now, my final dilemna. How do I tell my sister, who lives close by to him & hasn't visited him (even to tell him that he's a great grandad-I found out 'cos it was a story in our local rag (baby born in taxi!) ). Should I be man enough to knock their door or stoop to their level & let them hear it on the grapevine?

Your thoughts appreciated, thanks for all your advice & concern previously posted.

margaretclare

 

Finally, an ironic thought...there is no legal liability for my sister who owes him almost £2k as there is nothing in writing!!!! ::)

I think you may be wrong about this. A contract is a contract, it's just as binding if it's verbal and there's nothing in writing. Of course, I know that the law in Scotland is different, but still...

A situation arose in my family some years ago where there was an agreement by one sister to pay £1500 to the other sister which formed the deposit on second sister's house. It arose because we sold our house at a price way, way below its market value but was what elder sister could afford, the deal being that this £1500 was paid to younger sister. It was a 'gentleman's agreement', but there were witnesses - anyway, it eventually went via a solicitor and a judgment was obtained. It didn't matter that there was nothing in writing - it was a contract, which can be verbal and is just as binding. Check it out!

Depression is very common in the elderly, and any of us who've ever been depressed can testify - you just don't wanna get out of bed in the morning, you wish the day wouldn't start!!!

Good luck!

Margaret

christmas_donkey

Jock, I aint being funny, but why should you go and run to your sister to tell her? If she was really bothered she would keep in touch.

Your dad is your concern, not her.

Edinburghlass_2

I agree Cashless but it may well turn out to be a regret that Jock has in later years that he didn't let his sister know, so I would make sure she knows. Try just writing a letter stating simply what the situation is and you think she should know, what she then does with the information will be between her and her concience.

jockettuk

whats the betting the sister will come running when she knows the house is being sold.. .. i would tell her in a 3 second phone call something like dad is going into a home then hang phone up if she is interested in the rest of the details she will ring you back .... Familys like they say you can pick your friends but your family you stuck with for life

Jockthearab

I agree Cashless but it may well turn out to be a regret that Jock has in later years that he didn't let his sister know, so I would make sure she knows. Try just writing a letter

Exactly, I don't want to stoop to her level, but if I was to knock on her door, I wouldn't know where to start. Then I may not be able to hold back (verbally). The letter idea sounds good!

As for her running round when I tell her...I've found my Dad's mortice key. Call me bad-minded, but I wouldn't want her going round to snoop & take stuff. As far as I'm concerned, she's had more than enough. My nephew told me a story last night about her (his mum), re' her sponging from an ill relative regularly, over a period of months, about 8 years ago. This relative had epilepsy! When she turned up at her door with her carer asking when they were going to pay it back, my sister & bro in law brazenly denied it! Makes me :-[ to be related to her TBH.

Edinburghlass_2

Incidentally Jock, I forgot to say that I am glad to hear that things are progressing well for you and your Dad and I hope you get things sorted out to suit you both. Have a good Christmas

margaretclare

Hi Jock

Glad things are getting sorted out at last. Sad about the cats, but they are just one extra worry when you get to the stage of life when you can't take care of yourself, never mind being responsible for pets.

I would write a very brief letter to sister, more for your own sake than anything, to avoid 'what-if' in future years. And make sure there are no keys left lying around where she can get in to help herself.

You mentioned Dad going to the PO to get his pension. Aren't there better ways of doing this now, or is your Dad stuck to the old method??? Re Pensions Service' direct payment scheme - there'll be no more payments by pension book after 28th February, and everyone is being written to about this.

Best wishes

Margaret