Help needed re elderly parent (Scotland)

Jockthearab

Hi all,

I am struggling at the moment trying to cope between full time work, my own family & trying to care for my Dad. Please bear with me as this may take a while to explain...

My Dad lives alone & I have managed to get him Meals on wheels & twice daily home care-in the last year and a half he has gone down from a waist size of 42" to 32"! After I finish work I visit him for a coffee & a chat, but over the last 6 months or so I am finding that he is still in his bed. As he has two older cats, they were soiling the carpet, thus his house was starting to smell. In an attempt to gee him up I spent my holiday last week totally redecorating his living room. It's now brighter (no more horrible brown wallboards!) & easier to maintain as I got rid of quite a bit of clutter( as well as the smelly carpet replacing it with laminate).

This morning I got a 'phone call from the Community alarm people to say that his alarm had been switched off. When the wife & I got to his house we discovered Dad in bed & one of his cats had peed on the extension socket that his alarm was plugged into!

The notes left by his home care person said that he'd refused to get up. Surprisingly he also refused to get up when I asked him to.

I phoned Social Services & asked about getting a Care Manager involved. I has been advised to do this a few weeks ago by one of his visitors, but hadn't heard anything back, so today I was a wee bit more demanding and have been told that someone will be out within a couple of days. I also phoned his Doctor & again, they will visit in the next two days...

Has anyone esle had experience of looking after a parent? What help should I expect to get? I see it as my duty as a son to do my best for Dad, but surely there is some outside help I could get?

To complicate matters, the house Dad lives in (ex council house) is in both our names...The mortgage has just over two years left to run and the DSS contribute approx £6 per week towards the interest. I pay the majority of the interest as well as the endowment. If Dad has to go into Care/Sheltered housing will I be forced to sell the house & give half the proceeds towards Dads care, even though I have contributed 95% over the last twelve years towards the purchase?

So many questions I know, but I am finding things hard at the moment to balance what's best for my Dad, my family and I. Trying to find advice is a nightmare, so I've turned to you guys in hope you can point me in the right direction.

Cheers for reading this far!

alison6692

I hope that someone with much more experience than me replies - and I am sure they will  :). However it sounds like you are being great and obviously now feel lost about where to turn.

Has your Dad given you any ideas as to why he won't get up? Does he feel unwell when he is up, or is he depressed? There may be a physical reason why he isn't up and about. An assessment from your GP is really needed to ensure that there is nothing physical going on.

As a start I would ring your local Age Concern and ask them for advice as they are clued up about what resources are available for your Dad and what he is entitled too.

I don't know how my Mum and Dad did it, but we bought my Nana's house outright and she was tenant in it - that meant if she had to go into care the house couldn't be used towards the payment of her care. This was in 95 and I don't know how the laws have changed since then.

Give age concern a buzz - I have started volunteering for them as a visitor to people are not as lucky as your Dad and have no family to visit and I was amazed at the resources they have.

Good luck  :)

mink35

If you're having real trouble helping to care for him try and claim attendance allowance with the help of his doctor. This can be used for any purpose - you could pay a cleaner/gardener/home help etc etc.

If you get refused first time, reapply a week or so later with as much information as you can possibly fit on the form - this often works.

Hope you manage to sort things out.

System

I am in much the same boat with my elderly mother.  the hardest part i battle with is trying to instill in her the will to live.  I have encouraged her to be as active as her body allows (it is somewhat weakened by a series of strokes she had 18 months ago).  However, she is fussy who she mixes with and what she wants to do, which leaves her with very little options.

The only holidays she wants to go on are with me and my family (baring in mind she hates my husband and moans like billy 'o at the kids), my husband says he wont take her, and the kids say 'if nans going, we're staying'.

Anyway, my plan of action would be  :

1.  Get things set up with the social worker, see that he is getting all the help that he can get.

2.  Encourage him, that there is still life in him yet.  Get him involved in outside agencies.  I tried to get Mother to go to Age Concern - she went twice, refused to go again.  Maybe involve him in the local church as the one i used to go to had a wonderful elderly community that supported eachother through the bad times.

3.  You will have to nag the care manager, i had to, but it paid off.  Ring daily, ask if there is any update as to a date for an assement for your Dad.

4.  I am afraid, i would also keep ringing the surgery and asking for a home visit, then they will pressurise the social services on your behalf - even if it is to stop you ringing every day!!!

5.  Can you get other family members involved in helping you with him, even if it just means visiting him.  As i know how time consuming and stressfull it is looking after a demanding parent.


6.  As for your house, well i cant help you there, but i am in much the same sort of dillema but that is something i would rather not share on an open forum.  Can i suggest you go to see a solicitor?  I am afraid i went to the CAB but unfortunately, much was the complexity of my case they could only refer me to a lawyer.

Please feel free to pm me, i know what you are going through.

Green_Flagon

We're in a similar position at the moment with my Grandmother up on Teeside.

I found some of the organisations on this link helpful. I think they are national rather than confined to just England.

Hope they are of some use.

http://www.charitychoice.co.uk/searchresult.asp?category=AGED

Good luck.

Flagon

System

Thanks Flagon for the link and welcome to the boards by the way.

16011996

can't think of anything that'll help, but my prayers and thoughts are with you,


just thought, however of your gp is taking a couple of days to come out, my grandparents always get a district nurse to call from the same surgery, and she usually comes the same day, and get a prescription for them via the doctor which the chemist collects.don't know if it helps

Jockthearab

Wow! Cheers for all the answers! In some way it's good to know I'm not the only person going through this, but I'm sorry to hear that it is so common. I've told my Dad before that I feel we have reversed roles as I seem to be 'parenting' him which isn't right is it?! He isn't a 'pain' as such just a bloody big worry!

Dad has never been a very sociable person. He doesn't smoke, drink or go to the bookies...seems like those genes were passed down a generation to me! He used to play Bingo 3-4 times a week but stopped this about 18 months ago-that's when I 1st became aware that things weren't what they used to be.

He goes to Day Centre now on Wed & Fri so he's getting some company of peers & outside stimulation. Thankfully he'd gone today & was just getting home when I popped up to see him. Disappointingly he had refused, according to the notes left by his care visitor, to change his clothes which he has been wearing for the last couple of days...it's things like this that annoy me 'cos I know I wasn't brought up by him & my mum to be like this!

He also has very good neighbours on both sides & across the road who 'look out for him' and keep me informed of how he's doing...one neighbour spotted him a few months ago out & about at 4am (turns out he'd gone to the Post Office on the off chance it was open to get his pension :-/ ) I've left my key with 1 neighbour so that the GP tomorrow can get access if he doesn't answer, and my wife is going to pop over during the afternoon for the care manager visit, as I'm working 'til 8pm tomorrow. Hopefully things will move in the right direction soon.

As for family visits....LOL, I have a sister who lives 2 mins from him but hardly visits (probably because she owes him almost £2k (she doesn't work so how on earth she's gonna pay him back, God knows and she knows that I know she owes him this so she's probably trying to avoid me) & he's her stepdad (yet he raised her from a small child >:( ) Families, eh?

I'll check out the links that've been posted & your advice has certainly given me food for thought.

Thanking you all once again...

16011996

it must be a stressful time, its a shame your sister can't take some of the weight of your shoulders.

my gran died earlier this year, and she was in the early stages of alzhimers(sorry can never spell that word) and it was hard going. my grandad being alone now is worse in some ways. I found him eating toast with mould on the bread this morning, and i could have just screamed. My daughter said something poignant to me about it all though, she said he's always been there for you, its nice you are there for him. made me think of all the times I was a rebel teenager, and they sat up worried about me.

I have to jog his memory to change the bed, and stuff like that, and I clean for him for a couple of hours a week and take him food shopping, but when you've a life of your own it seems hard, and unfair.

make sure you are getting a bit of time to yourself, and take care, remember , sadly in a way you're not alone.

160

panicos_2

Hi sorry to hear about your situation, as a Home carer we see this every day. I can only advise you to get your father re-assest by the Home Care Manager. As for his weight you do get build up drinks from your Doctor on perscription failing that you can buy them from Boots. You could also try The Princess Royal Trust for Carers they are a valuable source of information and could help you fill in forms to see if you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.I think their web site is https://www.carers.org. Don,t back down keep phoning and be at them all the time. Hope this helps

Jockthearab

Hi guys & girls,

Thought I'd update you on a few matters:

Doctor made a home visit week past Thursday & prescribed Dad an anti-depressant (I read the leaflet, says take one a day to increase Serotonin in brain)

Received call from a care manager last week after following up a couple of times & arranged for an assessment to be done today.

She visited today. Although she was quite thorough and straight forward with her questions to my Dad, I found her to be extremely polite, pleasant and sympathetic towards him;she apologised quite a few times for having to ask him such probing & personal questions. I allowed my Dad to answer but she also allowed me to put my 'tuppence worth' in after Dad had fnished.

After over an hour & a half then the outcome so far is:

a-I've to call his Doc to get him referred to a local Hospital for an assessment (she says Doctors don't like people in her capacity suggesting this to them but if I don't get any success she WILL officially put the request in writing to him)

b-She is going to ask for his medical notes to get the 'bigger picture' on his history.

c-Dad has refused voluntary befriending schemes e.g someone comes & visits him for a wee while every few days.

d-She is going to refer him to a psychiatric nurse as she's concerned that although he has possible depression (when asked how he felt about life, he admitted to often feeling "he'd be better off not being here" )but his current lethargy to life could also be related to the mini strokes he had almost 2 years ago. The Doctor DIDN'T refer him at that time or since, for a CT Scan which she wants done now.

e-She is going to get the ball rolling re possibly getting him sheltered housing accomodation.

f-He may be entitled to a couple of benefits e.g attendance allowance (she asked him if his eyesight was ok, he has very little sight in his left eye, but isn't registered blind, so possibly there may be a benefit entitlement there???) that we weren't aware he could be due.

g-She is trying to organise Respite care for October when the my family & I go abroad on holiday.

When I explained the mortgage situation she told me (off the record of course) that as his name is on the Deeds then the house capital would be considered 50% Dad's which may cause complications later on if he is required to go into a care residence,but as this wasn't her 'field' she suggested I see a solicitor... Oh well, just a pity I hadn't considered this say 7 years ago when I could have changed the mortgage to my name only...

Looks like we're finally getting somewhere at last though. You were all correct by saying keep pushing & following up on calls

Thanking you All once again...