Advice on Teenage Angst

sp1987

She sounds like she is feeling troubled, even if objectively there are not any real 'troubles' for her to deal with.

Can the older sister talk to her, if they get on well? She will be close enough in age to not require eyes being rolled at but old enough not to stomp about in a cloud of hormonal smoke.

Have a chat to her on neutral ground. At the end of the day you just want an easy life for everyone until she snaps out of her angst, so see if there is anything she wants help with. Don't tell her how good she has it, she'll just roll her eyes because you ''omg cant possibly understand!!!!''. You'll be back in favour in a while when she gets a bit more of a grip, but that will take time, lol.

I did not understand the motives for a word my mother said when I was that age. I thought she was mental. I rolled my eyes so much I'll bet they nearly fell out. We get on very well now.

Don't get too stressed.

Fire_Fox

smileypigface wrote: »

Thanks everyone - I'm glad it's not just me! I'm trying very hard not to use the phrase "after everything I've done for you"!! I just feel that it's all attention seeking and using her family situation to milk everything for what it's worth - even though me and her dad get on very well - we jointly make decisions and set rules and their dad gets on fine with my new husband. For people in our situation I think we are pretty well balanced and sorted.

So it irks me even more that she would use a 'broken home' as reason to evoke sympathy out of people - she is given choices in life rather than us ordering her what to do. She is allowed a very reasonable social life with her friends. She was, to my face, absolutely thrilled about the new baby - we've all sat around the Sunday lunch table for hours talking about baby names and whether she can push the pram etc etc (it always turns into a family talk-fest - with her doing most of the talking! - she has us all in stitches with her good humour and jokey take on life in general) - she couldn't wait to tell family about the baby ... in fact she's our family news-gob - she couldn't wait to tell everyone about our wedding (it was just us and the kids - with her and her big sister being witnesses).

To me both of those paragraphs scream 'centre of attention' from a girl who is very unsure of her place in the world, quite possibly self-esteem issues. Does she get one-to-one time with you when you aren't dealing with homework or talking about the baby?

That is in no way a criticism of you or your parenting, but I don't think it's safe to assume she is simply a spoilt ungrateful brat. Teens can suffer with stress, anxiety, depression as much as aduts - and there isn't always logic to mental health issues so she doesn't have to have an apparently hard life to be struggling with her emotions and mood. May be worth an appointment with her GP?

ailuro2

Maybe you're not strict enough.....

Letting her have a sleepover and not stopping it as soon as you found out there was excessive drinking involved....

turning up at school half an hour early to pick her up when she is perfectly capable of walking home on her own two feet....

letting her have money as and when she needs it, plus a monthly allowance....

giving her a phone, her running up a huge bill on it, but then letting her have her contract phone back instead of a hugely restricted payg...

not restricting her priveliges till her grades are back where they should be.


Maybe she needs you to be less of a friend and more of a parent, ie you are the grown up here, and as such she needs to realise she will not be allowed to give you cheek and abuse for the silliest of reasons.

But maybe you're too bust with your new family to set and boundaries for the old family......


At least that's how some folks would see it.;) you need to see it from all viewpoints if you're to help her through it.

libbyc3

op - dont know if you read my thread from couple of weeks ago but we are going throughthe most extreme form of teen angst with my dd at the mo - she overdosed on paracetomal 3 weeks ago.
on reading her chatlogs after it happened, it transpired that she was presented hrself as tortured, hard done by, full of anger and not the girl that we knew her as at all. I printed off some of the logs - which were full of the most extreme lies about what was going on in her life at home and also some of the 'normal chats' she was having with other friends which were truthfull. The psych actually said that without the evidence of the extent of her fantasies the way she presented herself initially would have warrented them to consider a section.
We have had to take steps to try and limit the oppurtunities for her to engage in this 'tortured' version of her life - limit computer time, limit her mobile ( it is taken off her at night) and actually make a point of chatting to her friends so it is seens that we are not the abusing ogres she had said we are!
as we have experienced, teens can and do become so immersed in their own version reality they actually start to believe it and although i in no way want to dismiss my dd's problems as purely angst driven it is gradually emerging that it seems that may be the basis.
Dont really know what my advice is! but i would certainly challenge her and be open about you wanting to understand why she feels her life is so bad as her version of reality does not seem to match up to yours.
good luck!

Minxy_Bella

OP - you have my every sympathy.

My 15year old has just had me in floods of tears - in public!! - because she snapped at me about getting me a present for Mother's Day. And I very rarely cry but she knows exactly how to push my buttons.

I recognise the drama of the teenage hellos/goodbyes too - and the sleepover scenario and all of it really. This afternoon, I'm feeling very low and wondering why on earth I bother but I know that tomorrow, she'll have written me a poem or something that will bring tears to my eyes in a good way.

We will get our reward in Heaven, hun or when our girls are 35, which ever is the soonest! LOL

(((HUGS)))

smileypigface

Wow - I've been offline since Friday evening and come back to such a lot of replies.

Thank you so much to everyone for sharing your experiences and presenting other points of view.

So, here's an update on our weekend!!

Collected my daughter on Friday evening from her Dads where she'd walked home from school to. Told her in the car on the way home that as she clearly didn't appreciate the privileges that were handed to her with no effort from her in return - that I'd made some changes indoors - that her mobile had now been blocked and the internet turned off and that the TV in her bedroom had been removed. Pointed out that these items, and other privileges such as the sleepover, were given to her in return for her fulfilling the responsibility we put on her in the family and to take her school work seriously. And as she clearly didn't want to fulfil her side of the equation then I didn't see why I should continue to provide them. She took this news in silence and went straight to her room when we got home.

I went up to her room before tea and asked if she was eating with us - she was in bed in the dark and said no (she did add a thank you when prompted!!).

She stayed in her room all day on Saturday - and when I heard her in the bathroom running a bath in the evening I shouted up that there probably wasn't much hot water so I'd push the boost button for her - and she shouted back thank you!!!

This morning I went up and and said that lunch would be at two (everyone comes to the table for Sunday lunch - even if they are sulking and don't eat anything - they sit with a plate in front of them regardless ... I am so cruel!) and could she please strip her bed and put the washing in the basket. I got an OK and a thank you for that!!

Then as I was preparing lunch she appeared downstairs having brought the washing basket down for me - and then hovered around - so I said if she was looking for a job she could nip up and get the hoover for me and run it round the hall ..... which she did - no complaints, no eye raising ...

Then we sat down and had a chat ......... apparently she had spent some of Saturday writing it all down - but wanted to talk about it all .... she says she didn't mean what she'd written - she'd done it because she was angry because everyone (that's me, her dad, her friends) won't take her 'boyfriend' (the facebook friend who lives hundreds of miles away, she has never met and could be anyone!) seriously!

Anyway, we both talked and both listened. Apparently she is very sorry what she said about me and the baby - she is very excited but does sometimes think it's a bit weird as none of us ever thought a year ago that there would be a new baby - and she had got used to her younger brother being the youngest in the family. So we had a chat about that.

So, for now the storm has subsided and I have my lovely 15 year old back (for now!!) - without friends (real or otherwise) fanning the flames of the situation over the internet or mobile phone she has had time to simmer down and think for herself about all the things that seemed stacked against her last week and has regained a sense of proportion. For now at least :eek:

I'm sure we will tread this path again .. but for now we are back on an even keel!

It has been really helpful hearing other experiences and viewpoints so thank you all again x

Indie_Kid

I'm glad something good has happened.

Minxy_Bella

Sounds like a major victory for Momma, missus!

Well done!

My teen has given me such grief over the last couple of years but she now says that there's no point in arguing with me as I'm the only person in her life who will always support and love her so it's only hurting herself when she does.

Which is great - I just wish she'd always remember her own wise words

Happy Mother's Day!

xxx

System

Glad to hear that things have improved. God when i think back to what a nightmare i was at 15, i really do feel for you (and my mum). Thankfully it tends to ease, as they get older.

Sounds like you've given her the reality check she needed, and also have encouraged her to open up.

bouncydog1

Hi, I've read through your thread - lots of issues in there. I think that your daughter needed the reality check that you have given her. At 15 she thinks she is an adult, and with all the priviledges that she has had in the past, she is probably in a peer position with her friends. You were also probably seen as a "cool" mum. However at the end of the day, you are her mum, not her mate and it is up to you to lay down the guidelines that will help keep your daughter safe and grow into a well rounded person.

Well done for the action you took - never easy as none of us want to be seen as the villain of the peace - she may also have felt a bit jealous that you were going to be able to take "time out" to be with the baby, when you have always worked previously.

She may also have had a reality check on the facebook issue by the recent tragic news involving the poor girl that was murdered, but not be sure how to get out of the boyfriend issue. If it were me I would call her bluff and say that you want to meet the boyfriend - she could pass this on to him and if he disappears quick then I would inform the police.

You are doing a great job - your daughter clearly loves you but 15 year old hormones are hard to control - remember when you were 15 - I hated my mother one day (I didn't and still don't know why) and loved her the next!