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Advice on Teenage Angst
smileypigface
Posts: 382 Forumite
Hope I don't make this too long. Never thought I'd find myself posting this sort of thing. But I'm on my own with the dogs this evening and am swinging between anger and despair with my 15 year old.
She's at her dad's this week (shared care type arrangement, largely dictacted by her now she's 15) although I picked her up from school yesterday lunchtime because she was 'ill' (turns out she'd posted to her chums on Facebook to say she would be missing Geography this week (she's behind with GCSE coursework)) - spent the afternoon and evening with her (she wanted to dog-sit for one dog while I took the other one training) - dropped her back to her dad's. Then today collected her and took her to doc appointment which ended with a trip to Tesco to buy 'treats'.
Quick background - separated from her dad when she was 5 - he works part time (by choice) - I have good career - so I've financially supported ex to remain in nice big house in nice area - worked 3 jobs for a year to get money together to buy new house in my own right. Continued my career and have always had kids (3 in total) 3 weekends out of 4 and all of school holidays except for 1 week at Easter and 2 weeks in the summer. I did carry out an overseas posting (with HM Forces) for 9 months in 2006 but this enabled me to further career etc etc - and is no different to the thousands of parents who have done/are doing operational tours to this day.
Until today I considered I am closest to my 15 year old - she is very bright (although has let her GCSE work slip considerably over the last 18 months and is unlikely to achieve excellent grades now - but should get reasonable passes). She has asked lots of questions about our family circumstances and I thought she had a good understanding of why we have arranged ourselves the way we have.
I re-married a couple of years ago - we have had our arguments within the 'family' and a little bit of an issue with my new husband enforcing our family rules - there was a long period I went out with him before he met the kids and then we took it very slowly - and they were consulted before he moved in with me in 2004. 'Kickback' was bound to happen - but overall it's been only two or three arguments when we have had to sit down all together and re-iterate the ground rules - there were no new rules introduced when he came on the scene - it was just the problem of him enforcing the rules that were already in place.
I sometimes find it hard to understand the way 15 year old teenage angst features in her life - obviously there will be moodiness (which we went through equally with my now 19 year old daughter) and typical teenage stuff. She has several groups of friends, with some overlaps, but she seems to gravitate towards the group that is prepared to give her the most sympathy on any particular day. One group are quite academic - so she avoids those ones when she hasn't done her homework and gravitates towards the group who are more concerned with boys - in contrast to my own (single sex) education, a lot of school time seems to consist of passing notes to each other regarding who is 'fit as f***" in the class, who is going out with who, etc. Meeting and greeting at the school gate is a hugely emotional event every day - as though meeting and greeting long lost friends who they haven't seen for 2 years!! It's all highly charged emotional stuff - with lots of arm wrapping around for anyone who has any kind of issue ... of which my daughter seems to be telling everyone she has many.
She has a good deal at home, I think. Her dad gives her ad hoc cash when she tells him she needs it - I set her up with an under 19s account with cash card - which she lost .. then forgot the PIN ... I paid in £25 a month for her to spend as she wishes, on the proviso that I won't now buy make up and clothes apart from Christmas and Birthday. I also pay £20 a month for her mobile phone with unlimited texts and a bit of talk time on my contract. She ran up a bill of £350 so I barred the phone and stopped the £25 a month until the £350 was cleared. It has been back on a couple of months and the debt is paid and all seems OK so far.
Things have been coming to a head for a couple of weeks now. She asked if she could have a sleepover during half term. We have recently moved house and she now has the biggest bedroom and a bathroom she only has to share with her younger brother. So, we made arrangements for her brother to stay at their dad's on sleepover night and laid down the ground rules. There were 10 of them in total - I took her to Tesco and bought pizza and garlic bread for them to cook and snacks and chocolate cake for afters. Also a big heap of fizzy drinks. Predictably within the 10 15/16 year old girls and boys someone brought a bottle of gin into the house and we ended up with 2 very sick boys - the group were very good at cleaning up all the mess and other than the 2 sick ones the rest were OK. We could obviously hear what was going on - and stayed out of it for a bit, 2 of the girls had taken charge and were doing all the sensible things, like getting towels out of the airing cupboard and getting the sick ones to be ill in the loo etc - so I sent my daughter a text saying "OK, I'm not daft, I know what's going on, how many have been drinking and how bad are the sick ones - oh, and there's a bucket and old towels at the bottom of your stairs for you". Her friend came down to explain what was going on and I went up and quickly checked the sick ones were OK (other than being sick) - one boy wanted to go home (11:30 pm) so I drove him home.
In the morning they got up and made breakfast for themselves - and between them they cleaned the kitchen, the upstairs bathroom and rinsed all the sicky towels and brought them down to the washing machine. So, all in all we were prepared to laugh it off and thank them all for their tidying. BUT my daughter was an absolute cow to me - talking all nicey nicey to her friends on her right hand side and literally turning to me on her left and grunting - looking to her friends and raising eyebrows etc - all this because I asked if any of her friends would like a lift home later on!!!!
She kept up this attitude in front of her friends but I ignored it until her friends had gone home - when I let rip (in the car on the way back to her dad's) - about how dare she take an attitude like that to me when I could have so easily have ruined her night and humiliated her in front of her friends. She kept this attitude up until later that week when she came round to stay with us again - I sat her at the table and explained to her why I am so upset - not because there was drink - but because of her attitude to me. She then said she was really upset because of stuff she doesn't want to talk about ... and can only talk about to her friends ... I am sorry to say I lost the ability not to burst into tears and tried to tell her how hurtful her actions were!
I now discover that some teacher or other at school is taking her, and a friend for support, out of classes for one or two sessions a week to talk about her 'issues'. While I think this is great if a child does have genuine 'issues' I think, as a parent, that I should be informed and be able to dispel some of the myths that she is putting out in order to perpetuate this air of someone with huge emotional problems.
I am sceptical yes, because this evening one of her facebook friends sent me a message to say they have issues with me that they need to clear up (OK, it's facebook, and it's a teenager - and it's not worth the screen it's typed on ... but ..) - they then attached the text of a message my 'wonderful' daughter had sent, using a passage I had written about myself for something else (42 year old mother of 3, baby due in June .. etc etc), and basically ripped me to pieces - stating I'm pi**ing away a 25 year career because of my stupid idea to have another baby, stupidly having to change my car to fit in a fricking pushchair, marrying some dork none of them like, selfish .. and so it went on.
Now, I know my hormones are up in the air anyway ... and I know I'm of the old school where when you were 15 you just go on with your homework and tried to get some good exams under your belt ....
I am just so upset - firstly that she talks about things to my face in a completely different way to people outside the family (I suppose one answer is that she is saying what she thinks I want to hear and tells the truth to others) - I just feel hurt and used - and that my family's life is being dramatised and broadcast in a way to make her look like a sad victim - when actually she has a very privileged life (just my opinion I suppose!). I dread to think what tripe she is feeding this teacher at school to play on the sympathy.
Sorry, it's so long - it helped to get it out of my system I suppose!
Should I be more sympathetic? I'm supposed to be picking her up from school tomorrow - which involves me getting there at half two to find somewhere to park and sit and wait until 3 and then while she goes through the emotional parting from her friends etc etc - well, I've just sent her a text saying I can't get there on time and can she please walk home. To be honest I just don't know what to do now - if she was a friend talking about me in this way they would be off my christmas card list. I do believe in unconditional love for my children but at the moment I do not like her.
I know it's teenage stuff and I'm the parent .. and I know it's my hormones ... what do I do this weekend? After the sleepover she came reluctantly down to family meals - which I cooked, put in front of her, and tidied away untouched but other than that stayed in her room - which obviously cast a black cloud over all of us for the weekend.
Sorry, still rambling.
She's at her dad's this week (shared care type arrangement, largely dictacted by her now she's 15) although I picked her up from school yesterday lunchtime because she was 'ill' (turns out she'd posted to her chums on Facebook to say she would be missing Geography this week (she's behind with GCSE coursework)) - spent the afternoon and evening with her (she wanted to dog-sit for one dog while I took the other one training) - dropped her back to her dad's. Then today collected her and took her to doc appointment which ended with a trip to Tesco to buy 'treats'.
Quick background - separated from her dad when she was 5 - he works part time (by choice) - I have good career - so I've financially supported ex to remain in nice big house in nice area - worked 3 jobs for a year to get money together to buy new house in my own right. Continued my career and have always had kids (3 in total) 3 weekends out of 4 and all of school holidays except for 1 week at Easter and 2 weeks in the summer. I did carry out an overseas posting (with HM Forces) for 9 months in 2006 but this enabled me to further career etc etc - and is no different to the thousands of parents who have done/are doing operational tours to this day.
Until today I considered I am closest to my 15 year old - she is very bright (although has let her GCSE work slip considerably over the last 18 months and is unlikely to achieve excellent grades now - but should get reasonable passes). She has asked lots of questions about our family circumstances and I thought she had a good understanding of why we have arranged ourselves the way we have.
I re-married a couple of years ago - we have had our arguments within the 'family' and a little bit of an issue with my new husband enforcing our family rules - there was a long period I went out with him before he met the kids and then we took it very slowly - and they were consulted before he moved in with me in 2004. 'Kickback' was bound to happen - but overall it's been only two or three arguments when we have had to sit down all together and re-iterate the ground rules - there were no new rules introduced when he came on the scene - it was just the problem of him enforcing the rules that were already in place.
I sometimes find it hard to understand the way 15 year old teenage angst features in her life - obviously there will be moodiness (which we went through equally with my now 19 year old daughter) and typical teenage stuff. She has several groups of friends, with some overlaps, but she seems to gravitate towards the group that is prepared to give her the most sympathy on any particular day. One group are quite academic - so she avoids those ones when she hasn't done her homework and gravitates towards the group who are more concerned with boys - in contrast to my own (single sex) education, a lot of school time seems to consist of passing notes to each other regarding who is 'fit as f***" in the class, who is going out with who, etc. Meeting and greeting at the school gate is a hugely emotional event every day - as though meeting and greeting long lost friends who they haven't seen for 2 years!! It's all highly charged emotional stuff - with lots of arm wrapping around for anyone who has any kind of issue ... of which my daughter seems to be telling everyone she has many.
She has a good deal at home, I think. Her dad gives her ad hoc cash when she tells him she needs it - I set her up with an under 19s account with cash card - which she lost .. then forgot the PIN ... I paid in £25 a month for her to spend as she wishes, on the proviso that I won't now buy make up and clothes apart from Christmas and Birthday. I also pay £20 a month for her mobile phone with unlimited texts and a bit of talk time on my contract. She ran up a bill of £350 so I barred the phone and stopped the £25 a month until the £350 was cleared. It has been back on a couple of months and the debt is paid and all seems OK so far.
Things have been coming to a head for a couple of weeks now. She asked if she could have a sleepover during half term. We have recently moved house and she now has the biggest bedroom and a bathroom she only has to share with her younger brother. So, we made arrangements for her brother to stay at their dad's on sleepover night and laid down the ground rules. There were 10 of them in total - I took her to Tesco and bought pizza and garlic bread for them to cook and snacks and chocolate cake for afters. Also a big heap of fizzy drinks. Predictably within the 10 15/16 year old girls and boys someone brought a bottle of gin into the house and we ended up with 2 very sick boys - the group were very good at cleaning up all the mess and other than the 2 sick ones the rest were OK. We could obviously hear what was going on - and stayed out of it for a bit, 2 of the girls had taken charge and were doing all the sensible things, like getting towels out of the airing cupboard and getting the sick ones to be ill in the loo etc - so I sent my daughter a text saying "OK, I'm not daft, I know what's going on, how many have been drinking and how bad are the sick ones - oh, and there's a bucket and old towels at the bottom of your stairs for you". Her friend came down to explain what was going on and I went up and quickly checked the sick ones were OK (other than being sick) - one boy wanted to go home (11:30 pm) so I drove him home.
In the morning they got up and made breakfast for themselves - and between them they cleaned the kitchen, the upstairs bathroom and rinsed all the sicky towels and brought them down to the washing machine. So, all in all we were prepared to laugh it off and thank them all for their tidying. BUT my daughter was an absolute cow to me - talking all nicey nicey to her friends on her right hand side and literally turning to me on her left and grunting - looking to her friends and raising eyebrows etc - all this because I asked if any of her friends would like a lift home later on!!!!
She kept up this attitude in front of her friends but I ignored it until her friends had gone home - when I let rip (in the car on the way back to her dad's) - about how dare she take an attitude like that to me when I could have so easily have ruined her night and humiliated her in front of her friends. She kept this attitude up until later that week when she came round to stay with us again - I sat her at the table and explained to her why I am so upset - not because there was drink - but because of her attitude to me. She then said she was really upset because of stuff she doesn't want to talk about ... and can only talk about to her friends ... I am sorry to say I lost the ability not to burst into tears and tried to tell her how hurtful her actions were!
I now discover that some teacher or other at school is taking her, and a friend for support, out of classes for one or two sessions a week to talk about her 'issues'. While I think this is great if a child does have genuine 'issues' I think, as a parent, that I should be informed and be able to dispel some of the myths that she is putting out in order to perpetuate this air of someone with huge emotional problems.
I am sceptical yes, because this evening one of her facebook friends sent me a message to say they have issues with me that they need to clear up (OK, it's facebook, and it's a teenager - and it's not worth the screen it's typed on ... but ..) - they then attached the text of a message my 'wonderful' daughter had sent, using a passage I had written about myself for something else (42 year old mother of 3, baby due in June .. etc etc), and basically ripped me to pieces - stating I'm pi**ing away a 25 year career because of my stupid idea to have another baby, stupidly having to change my car to fit in a fricking pushchair, marrying some dork none of them like, selfish .. and so it went on.
Now, I know my hormones are up in the air anyway ... and I know I'm of the old school where when you were 15 you just go on with your homework and tried to get some good exams under your belt ....
I am just so upset - firstly that she talks about things to my face in a completely different way to people outside the family (I suppose one answer is that she is saying what she thinks I want to hear and tells the truth to others) - I just feel hurt and used - and that my family's life is being dramatised and broadcast in a way to make her look like a sad victim - when actually she has a very privileged life (just my opinion I suppose!). I dread to think what tripe she is feeding this teacher at school to play on the sympathy.
Sorry, it's so long - it helped to get it out of my system I suppose!
Should I be more sympathetic? I'm supposed to be picking her up from school tomorrow - which involves me getting there at half two to find somewhere to park and sit and wait until 3 and then while she goes through the emotional parting from her friends etc etc - well, I've just sent her a text saying I can't get there on time and can she please walk home. To be honest I just don't know what to do now - if she was a friend talking about me in this way they would be off my christmas card list. I do believe in unconditional love for my children but at the moment I do not like her.
I know it's teenage stuff and I'm the parent .. and I know it's my hormones ... what do I do this weekend? After the sleepover she came reluctantly down to family meals - which I cooked, put in front of her, and tidied away untouched but other than that stayed in her room - which obviously cast a black cloud over all of us for the weekend.
Sorry, still rambling.
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Comments
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smileypigface wrote: »I am sceptical yes, because this evening one of her facebook friends sent me a message to say they have issues with me that they need to clear up (OK, it's facebook, and it's a teenager - and it's not worth the screen it's typed on ... but ..) - they then attached the text of a message my 'wonderful' daughter had sent, using a passage I had written about myself for something else (42 year old mother of 3, baby due in June .. etc etc), and basically ripped me to pieces - stating I'm pi**ing away a 25 year career because of my stupid idea to have another baby, stupidly having to change my car to fit in a fricking pushchair, marrying some dork none of them like, selfish .. and so it went on.
Maybe she's just feeling put out that your married to a new guy and having his baby. Have you sat down and spoken to her about it? or maybe reassured her that there is still room for your other 3 children even when the new one comes along.
She maybe even feeling icky at the thought of her mum still "doing it" lol. Oh and theres the my mums too old to have more kids thing she might be also thinking.
How about picking her up from school tommorow giving her a big hug and sitting down witha few treats etc and just chatting when you get home, try to air a few things out rather than just stressing about it and thinking you don't want to deal with her and you'd rather she walked home.
Sorry its a bit frank, but it does seem she's not dealing with the situation well and you haven't said what your doing to reassure her place in the family.0 -
I can only empathise with your underlying problem- 15 year olds it would seem can be phenomenally selfish, ungrateful creatures. Ours has been incredibly nasty & hurtful this afternoon because things didn't go 100% her own way.
Everything positive we do is twisted into a negative- eg, we have tried to encourage her to find a pt job. We've fetched application forms, helped her fill them in etc. Her friend said she might be able to get her a dishwashing job on Saturday nights at the hotel her mum manages. Thing is, it's over an hour away, and would mean her having to stay at her mates every Saturday- but she wouldn't be back there til around 2am. I said I wasn't initially keen, and wasn't even sure if the hours were legal, but that we'd look into it. That perhaps she could give it a go, but if her schoolwork suffered she'd have to pack it in straight away.
This evening, that situation was twisted into "You even stopped me getting a job coz you don't want me to have a social life!"
Sometimes, we, as parents, just can't do right for doing wrong. Don't beat yourself up- at that age they have a tendency to go out of their way to find things to resent you for. They punish you for simply existing. There are no step parents, no half brothers/sisters in this household, but we still get put through the ringer. The thing I always find amusing is that she's always telling us how hard done by she is at home compared to her mates- but her mates paint a very different story!
Take heart, try not to despair- and just enjoy the peace!Only dead fish go with the flow...0 -
My daughter is exactly the same age, and I am still married to her father, and I have to say that she is completely revolted by the idea that we still have sex (I am almost 45). I am sure that if I were pregnant by a subsequent partner, she would find it enormously hard to deal with and would react by trying to make me feel as guilty as possible. I completely agree with Rachel, I bet this is behind a great deal of her attitude. A lot of it is likely to be ordinary teen drama and blaming you just because you are there and the safe one to blame. My daughter blames me when she loses a textbook, blames me for working part time so she sometimes has to come back to an empty house, blames me when she can't remember something she's revising for... You are the safe one for her to kick against. This is hard for you to deal with anyway, because it's horrible when someone you love is deliberately being horrible to you, but maybe worse for you because of the complications with your family situation. The drama you describe sounds very familiar to me - my daughter will shift in an instant from floods of hysterical tears to behaving perfectly normally, leaving me an emotional wreck behind her.
Having said all that, the part of this that sounds most surprising to me is that her friend has challenged you. That's a very different thing from your own daughter being rude to you, and I wonder what's led her to that point?
I too think you should still pick her up tomorrow. You have to keep reaching out, however much she is annoying you, because you are the adult and she is obviously feeling insecure enough as it is - she's a teenager, after all, it's not easy for them. Good luck - I sympathise!0 -
You poor women dealing with all these emotions as well as being pregnant, I agree with Rachel in that she may need reassurring, my mother remarried and went on to have 3 children, there is 10 years between me and the eldest and 16 years between me and the youngest and I know I played up at times. I was such a good child before this but felt left out at times, once I got a bit older it changed, I calmed back down.
Try and spend an evening watching a dvd and have a nice chat where hopefully she will be open with you.0 -
ps I agree with creased leach too - our 15 year old is incredibly selfish and ungrateful too! I suppose they all grow up in the end...0
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Although you feel you might not like her right now, i reccomend picking her up from school tomorrow and taking her out for a coffee. It's away from the house away from everyone else sort of meeting on mutural terriotory - and just try and talk it out, let it take as long as it takes. Tell her your not trying to argue with her, you just want to know how she feels about everything. Your new marriage, the pregnancy. Ask her about school and her GCSE's. She'll come through.0
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I have a 16 year old niece who's parents are still together no new siblings on the horizon etc but she sometimes behaves like a 2 year ols, sulking and having tantrums. Teenage girls are a nightmare and if they have something to be dramatic about they will milk it. Hope you get it sorted out tomorrow.0
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Thanks everyone - I'm glad it's not just me! I'm trying very hard not to use the phrase "after everything I've done for you"!! I just feel that it's all attention seeking and using her family situation to milk everything for what it's worth - even though me and her dad get on very well - we jointly make decisions and set rules and their dad gets on fine with my new husband. For people in our situation I think we are pretty well balanced and sorted.
So it irks me even more that she would use a 'broken home' as reason to evoke sympathy out of people - she is given choices in life rather than us ordering her what to do. She is allowed a very reasonable social life with her friends. She was, to my face, absolutely thrilled about the new baby - we've all sat around the Sunday lunch table for hours talking about baby names and whether she can push the pram etc etc (it always turns into a family talk-fest - with her doing most of the talking! - she has us all in stitches with her good humour and jokey take on life in general) - she couldn't wait to tell family about the baby ... in fact she's our family news-gob - she couldn't wait to tell everyone about our wedding (it was just us and the kids - with her and her big sister being witnesses).
She has things so easy and all on a plate and is consulted and listened to in our family ... and still ... after everything I've done for her .............. Doh, there, now I've said it!!! ;-)0 -
I think there is a clue in the last sentence. She does have it too easy and you probably do too much for her. It seems to me as if all the adults bend over backwards to please her, rather than expecting her to fit into the family. The thing with children is that they learn to exploit this as a weakness.
EG allowing her to have a sleepover with 10 friends and sending her brother to their Dads to accomodate her. What did she do to earn this? Having friends to stay [especially such a large number], drinking alcohol, having your own bathroom, etc, these are priveleges earned by adults who have their own homes. What has she done to deserve her own bank account? W hat does she do to earn the money that she is given?
Sorry, I may sound rather harsh but I do think it's time to toughen up.0 -
Oh she does sound like a drama queen.
I most certainly never had the luxury's she has at her age, and she looks like she knows how to take advantage.
My mum would be dragging all the nice things out of my room, no friends around no mobile, no pc, make me settle down and study, but unfortunately teens see that as a child abuse.
OP i feel for you, but i think you are pandering to her and she needs to stop being selfish.
I'd be telling her it's time to knuckle down with the studies, and time for an after school job to pay for all the mobile, She's acting like a pampered princess,
You were a brave woman allowing hormonal teens to have a party at yours which included some boys (the staying over bit) hopefully when you were asleep non of them were up to no good.
Sorry, but your live has been all about her and her siblings and you've got another on the way, your daughter needs to grow up.0
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