Advice on Teenage Angst

smileypigface

I can see both viewpoints - and my natural stance is as JBD describes - I must admit I am more inclined to be a bit "pull yourself together" and don't pander to great emotional angst-fuelled outpourings from anyone at any age! I'm more of a "just get on with it" type of person.

My 19 year old is finishing college early today so I'm going to have a chat with her and see what her take on the situation is.

Once again, I really appreciate people taking the time to give me their views and letting me use you all as a sounding board. Thank you x

smileypigface

Oh blimey EmsyWoo123 - you mean I'm stuck with this for another year ... blimey!! lol

Although it is encouraging that you can look back now and see things from your mum's point of view!

Looks like I could be riding this storm for a while then!!! :-)

emsywoo123

smileypigface wrote: »

Oh blimey EmsyWoo123 - you mean I'm stuck with this for another year ... blimey!! lol

Although it is encouraging that you can look back now and see things from your mum's point of view!

Looks like I could be riding this storm for a while then!!! :-)

Ha ha sorry didn't mean to scare you
I just didn't want you to overanalyse what happened/what is wrong/what can I do and realise that this is massively common.
I didn't have much luxury as a teenager (so I thought) but on reflection I can see we had far more wealth than I acknowledged, and used this attitude as a "I am so hard done by" type thing.
It WILL get better........sounds like you are in the thick of it.
P.S. the one on one idea of coffee/DVD etc........at 15, I would have been horrified, seen it as a weakness on her part, and expoited it. Carry on as normal!!!!!

Mupette

smileypigface wrote: »

Looks like I could be riding this storm for a while then!!! :-)

OO only if you allow her to get away with it.

I think you daughter needs to start learning to stand on her own 2 feet, so she can grow to be a well grounded young adult.


I did read another post on here where the OP's grown children (one lives with her fella) and at the weekend still comes home, eats her out of house and home and doesn't clean any mess she makes etc... do you want that?

now that sounded harsh sorry for that, but little miss hormonal needs to know the world was not created just for her, she is going to have to share you with a new baby soon and how is she going to cope then?

January20

smileypigface wrote: »

Hope I don't make this too long. Never thought I'd find myself posting this sort of thing. But I'm on my own with the dogs this evening and am swinging between anger and despair with my 15 year old.

She's at her dad's this week (shared care type arrangement, largely dictacted by her now she's 15) although I picked her up from school yesterday lunchtime because she was 'ill' (turns out she'd posted to her chums on Facebook to say she would be missing Geography this week (she's behind with GCSE coursework)) - spent the afternoon and evening with her (she wanted to dog-sit for one dog while I took the other one training) - dropped her back to her dad's. Then today collected her and took her to doc appointment which ended with a trip to Tesco to buy 'treats'.

Quick background - separated from her dad when she was 5 - he works part time (by choice) - I have good career - so I've financially supported ex to remain in nice big house in nice area - worked 3 jobs for a year to get money together to buy new house in my own right. Continued my career and have always had kids (3 in total) 3 weekends out of 4 and all of school holidays except for 1 week at Easter and 2 weeks in the summer. I did carry out an overseas posting (with HM Forces) for 9 months in 2006 but this enabled me to further career etc etc - and is no different to the thousands of parents who have done/are doing operational tours to this day.

Until today I considered I am closest to my 15 year old - she is very bright (although has let her GCSE work slip considerably over the last 18 months and is unlikely to achieve excellent grades now - but should get reasonable passes). She has asked lots of questions about our family circumstances and I thought she had a good understanding of why we have arranged ourselves the way we have.

I re-married a couple of years ago - we have had our arguments within the 'family' and a little bit of an issue with my new husband enforcing our family rules - there was a long period I went out with him before he met the kids and then we took it very slowly - and they were consulted before he moved in with me in 2004. 'Kickback' was bound to happen - but overall it's been only two or three arguments when we have had to sit down all together and re-iterate the ground rules - there were no new rules introduced when he came on the scene - it was just the problem of him enforcing the rules that were already in place.

I sometimes find it hard to understand the way 15 year old teenage angst features in her life - obviously there will be moodiness (which we went through equally with my now 19 year old daughter) and typical teenage stuff. She has several groups of friends, with some overlaps, but she seems to gravitate towards the group that is prepared to give her the most sympathy on any particular day. One group are quite academic - so she avoids those ones when she hasn't done her homework and gravitates towards the group who are more concerned with boys - in contrast to my own (single sex) education, a lot of school time seems to consist of passing notes to each other regarding who is 'fit as f***" in the class, who is going out with who, etc. Meeting and greeting at the school gate is a hugely emotional event every day - as though meeting and greeting long lost friends who they haven't seen for 2 years!! It's all highly charged emotional stuff - with lots of arm wrapping around for anyone who has any kind of issue ... of which my daughter seems to be telling everyone she has many.

She has a good deal at home, I think. Her dad gives her ad hoc cash when she tells him she needs it - I set her up with an under 19s account with cash card - which she lost .. then forgot the PIN ... I paid in £25 a month for her to spend as she wishes, on the proviso that I won't now buy make up and clothes apart from Christmas and Birthday. I also pay £20 a month for her mobile phone with unlimited texts and a bit of talk time on my contract. She ran up a bill of £350 so I barred the phone and stopped the £25 a month until the £350 was cleared. It has been back on a couple of months and the debt is paid and all seems OK so far.

Things have been coming to a head for a couple of weeks now. She asked if she could have a sleepover during half term. We have recently moved house and she now has the biggest bedroom and a bathroom she only has to share with her younger brother. So, we made arrangements for her brother to stay at their dad's on sleepover night and laid down the ground rules. There were 10 of them in total - I took her to Tesco and bought pizza and garlic bread for them to cook and snacks and chocolate cake for afters. Also a big heap of fizzy drinks. Predictably within the 10 15/16 year old girls and boys someone brought a bottle of gin into the house and we ended up with 2 very sick boys - the group were very good at cleaning up all the mess and other than the 2 sick ones the rest were OK. We could obviously hear what was going on - and stayed out of it for a bit, 2 of the girls had taken charge and were doing all the sensible things, like getting towels out of the airing cupboard and getting the sick ones to be ill in the loo etc - so I sent my daughter a text saying "OK, I'm not daft, I know what's going on, how many have been drinking and how bad are the sick ones - oh, and there's a bucket and old towels at the bottom of your stairs for you". Her friend came down to explain what was going on and I went up and quickly checked the sick ones were OK (other than being sick) - one boy wanted to go home (11:30 pm) so I drove him home.

In the morning they got up and made breakfast for themselves - and between them they cleaned the kitchen, the upstairs bathroom and rinsed all the sicky towels and brought them down to the washing machine. So, all in all we were prepared to laugh it off and thank them all for their tidying. BUT my daughter was an absolute cow to me - talking all nicey nicey to her friends on her right hand side and literally turning to me on her left and grunting - looking to her friends and raising eyebrows etc - all this because I asked if any of her friends would like a lift home later on!!!!

She kept up this attitude in front of her friends but I ignored it until her friends had gone home - when I let rip (in the car on the way back to her dad's) - about how dare she take an attitude like that to me when I could have so easily have ruined her night and humiliated her in front of her friends. She kept this attitude up until later that week when she came round to stay with us again - I sat her at the table and explained to her why I am so upset - not because there was drink - but because of her attitude to me. She then said she was really upset because of stuff she doesn't want to talk about ... and can only talk about to her friends ... I am sorry to say I lost the ability not to burst into tears and tried to tell her how hurtful her actions were!

I now discover that some teacher or other at school is taking her, and a friend for support, out of classes for one or two sessions a week to talk about her 'issues'. While I think this is great if a child does have genuine 'issues' I think, as a parent, that I should be informed and be able to dispel some of the myths that she is putting out in order to perpetuate this air of someone with huge emotional problems.

I am sceptical yes, because this evening one of her facebook friends sent me a message to say they have issues with me that they need to clear up (OK, it's facebook, and it's a teenager - and it's not worth the screen it's typed on ... but ..) - they then attached the text of a message my 'wonderful' daughter had sent, using a passage I had written about myself for something else (42 year old mother of 3, baby due in June .. etc etc), and basically ripped me to pieces - stating I'm pi**ing away a 25 year career because of my stupid idea to have another baby, stupidly having to change my car to fit in a fricking pushchair, marrying some dork none of them like, selfish .. and so it went on.

Now, I know my hormones are up in the air anyway ... and I know I'm of the old school where when you were 15 you just go on with your homework and tried to get some good exams under your belt ....

I am just so upset - firstly that she talks about things to my face in a completely different way to people outside the family (I suppose one answer is that she is saying what she thinks I want to hear and tells the truth to others) - I just feel hurt and used - and that my family's life is being dramatised and broadcast in a way to make her look like a sad victim - when actually she has a very privileged life (just my opinion I suppose!). I dread to think what tripe she is feeding this teacher at school to play on the sympathy.

Sorry, it's so long - it helped to get it out of my system I suppose!

Should I be more sympathetic? I'm supposed to be picking her up from school tomorrow - which involves me getting there at half two to find somewhere to park and sit and wait until 3 and then while she goes through the emotional parting from her friends etc etc - well, I've just sent her a text saying I can't get there on time and can she please walk home. To be honest I just don't know what to do now - if she was a friend talking about me in this way they would be off my christmas card list. I do believe in unconditional love for my children but at the moment I do not like her.

I know it's teenage stuff and I'm the parent .. and I know it's my hormones ... what do I do this weekend? After the sleepover she came reluctantly down to family meals - which I cooked, put in front of her, and tidied away untouched but other than that stayed in her room - which obviously cast a black cloud over all of us for the weekend.

Sorry, still rambling.

One piece of advice - from experience: remove your daughter and all her friends from your facebook list of friends. Facebook can be completely evil if you let it. I had lots of problems when my daughter was in my friends' list as she could have access to everything I said and could comment and criticise. I could read everything she wrote and most of it was rubbish and irritating. Removing her and all her friends, blocking them and having the highest privacy settings has really help restore peace!

My daughter is the same when she is with one of her friends. She will talk to me like I'm something she's found on the bottom of her shoe. Consequently, I told her if it happened again, this girl would not be allowed in our house. The reason my daughter does it? because her friend is having bad problems with her mother. A mixture of my daughter trying to be clever and the girl egging her own, I fear. Your daughter could just be trying to do something similar, trying to be like her friends. I know what my response would be if she asked for another sleepover!

She is probably jealous and embarrassed you're having another baby, and possibly wondering what her position in the family will be. No excuse though. Good lesson for her to learn: life is not always what you want it to be!

I agree with JDB and would add that most teenagers nowadays get too much attention and too many excuses made for them. Schools don't help. They spend so much time telling about their rights in PSHE, but they should also concentrate on teaching them about respect, responsibility and duty!

downshifted

I wouldn't presume to give advice to give on your current situation - it is quite complex with the possibility of there being right and wrong on both sides

If it helps though I could barely stay in the same room as my daughter when she was a young teenager - we argued constantly and she constantly belittled anything I did or had achieved for the family. I took a lot of long walks to escape before I resorted to violence!

Now she is 25 and lives away from home we get on tremendously well, she tells me everything and actually asks for my advice! I am very proud of her achievements - I know I am biased but she is a lovely young woman with lots of friends and a reasonable standard of living from a job she enjoys.

So deep breaths, OP - it does get better!

tandraig

there are some quite complex issues here - and i really dont feel qualified to advise even though i brought up three kids and went through teen years! they are all in their mid to late twenties and early thirties now and i see them as mature responsible adults.
I think facebook is evil to be honest - i have seen my daughter in law devasted by what her father posted. they dont speak now. I refuse to use it myself because my daughter told me that DILs had posted about me. I dont want to know - because to my face my DILs treat me with respect and i try to be the best MIL i can be. its too easy for young people to have a few drinks and post something which is blown out of all proportion by 'friends' egging them on.
but - it does sound as if there are real issues for your daughter. she may have the material things you provide - you obviously try your best as a mum, but maybe something is missing for her?
can i suggest family counselling? or as she is willing to have school counselling then would she be willing to have one to one counselling? has her dad any idea of whats going on with her? because something is - she sounds deeply troubled to me and if you are part of the cause - then she isnt going to tell you. is there anyone you can think of who would intercede for you? does she have aunts or uncles? you need to get to the bottom of this hun.

mumps

I have been through the teens with my four and it is never easy, well it wasn't for me. Just a few thoughts, my dad died when I was a teenager and although it was awful I have to admit I liked all the sympathy and attention. Was allowed to get away with stuff at school. If she is enjoying the drama of it all I dont think it is the end of the world, she will grow out of it. I remember my mom being mortified when I hadn't got some vital piece of uniform and told school my poor widowed mother couldn't afford it. Yes it was naughty but I dare say teachers forgot it quite quickly.

I got pregnant when two oldest were teenagers. They were fine, both were boys. I went to an antenatal group and there were three others with teenagers, the girls were all a nightmare. Very focused on how disgusting it was. Boys seem a bit more robust in this respect!

I wouldn't say let her get away with everything but on the other hand take a deep breath and pick your fights. Well it got me through having teenagers in the house for over 20 years.

teeni

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I kind of want to come at this from a different angle. however much you might look at your daughter objectively and see that she has a good life, I would be inclined to start by believing that she feels otherwise - that all of the things she is expressing that you are writing off as attention seeking are real to her. That's not to say that you have to agree with her on them but I think the fact that you aren't taking it seriously is probably contributing to the problem. You don't get someone to feel better by telling them that they feel better, you get them to feel better by helping them figure out what's wrong. And I think you have a huge stake in believing that none of your actions have caused her any harm. But was your divorce really so totally amicable the whole way through? Do you think her mum moving out was easy for her? I actually think you need to step back and look at the situation again and ask yourself whether there might be reasons why she feels as she does?

As an example I remember when my dad and his 2nd wife had their first baby - I congratulated them etc but inside I was totally gutted. Although I guess in a way pleased for them too but really upset for myself. You can feel two contradictory things at once unfortunately. The heart is not logical.

I think at the minute you're so exasperated by her that you're making the situation worse. Maybe it's worth sitting down and asking her to tell you from her point of view what's wrong and really listening properly rather than trying to 'prove' to her that how she feels is unfair to you. Feelings are feelings and aren't right and wrong, they just are. She's crying out for attention and especially now before the baby comes might be time to give it to her.

I'm saying all of this knowing how exasperating 15 year olds can be. But I'm just reminding you that at the time it is all real to you, that is really how you feel. And if that is really how your daughter is feeling, is telling her off the way to deal with it?

Lots of luck, she will get through this phase!

You beat me to it belfast girl
I was thinking that there may be some unresolved issues that daughter didnt know she had until news of new baby, op has said that she intends to take a career break to stay home with new addition, but left the older children to live with dad whilst she had a career.
Dont get me wrong there is nothing wrong with that and the decision was made between you and her dad at the time and that arrangement suited everybody, but your daughter may sub contiously be thinking "she left me" but she's not leaving this baby whats wrong with me.
Teenagers think in strange ways and often do not even realise where their feelings and thoughts are coming from.
But they do grow up and come out the other side, Promise. good luck with everything.

alwayspuzzled

OP you could also be describing me 18 years ago. Looking back I had a great childhood/teenage years but when I was 15 I thought life wasn't worth living and I must have made life hell for my family. I had teachers falling over themselves to try and help me and like other posters have said I played on this for the sympathy (and the get out off jail free card) I know my mom was always there for me and always forgave (or pretended to forgive and forget) my outbursts although they wouldn't go unpunished when excessive.

Typing this I can't help but be horrified remembering my own behaviour (guess I'll get comback when 3yr old dd gets bigger LOL:rotfl:) but in recent years my mom and I couldn't have been closer, in many respects we are best friends and she's always they first and only person I'll turn to in trouble, however I'm ashamed to say occationally I'm still evil to her - I guess because we're so close she knows exactly how to push my buttons and also shes the only person I know I can blow my top and still be loved and forgiven (in my defense I do catch myself now and stop and I've also learnt to apologise).

I know at the time my 'problems' all felt VERY real and serious to me but to an outsider (or perhaps just to a grown up) they would have been petty and not worth consideration. Perhaps despite/aswell as being pleased and excited by the new baby she's feeling a little uncertain of her position within an extending family.