Advice on Teenage Angst

smileypigface

I think you are dead right JBD - having had a sleepless night churning this over and over!

I am guilty of having worked my socks off for the last 11 years to ensure they have the best lifestyle I can afford - they have parents who get on, because I make the effort to compromise with their Dad (although I am the queen of quiet negotiation!! lol) - we are in a comfortable financial position (although it will be a stretch once I embark on a career break with the baby due in June) - but we aren't on skid row yet.

I think the pocket money/sleepover thing is me 'saying' that our family set up has allowed me to achieve this level of comfort for the family - and we can all reap the rewards of this - ie, everything I have done has been for my family and now we all benefit.

But it is clear she does not acknowledge or maybe understand this fact - she prefers to twist things so it makes people feel sorry for her - on the one hand she is happy to ask for, and accept, the privileges I have spent so long earning and compromising for - but it suits her best to use this against me in fuelling her over-dramatised angst that everyone hates her etc etc.

She recently announced she is 'going out' with a boy she met on Facebook - he apparently is bi-polar and 16 years old - he fills her facebook page with absolute drivel that, I assume he perceives to be highly intelligent outpourings - of course we have pointed out that, firstly you can't be 'going out with' someone you have never met - and secondly (drawing on recent tragic news headlines) that you can't believe anything you read on the internet that you can't independently verify - this 'boy' could be anybody.

We have discussed this with her - she isn't daft - so we show her we trust her by allowing her to continue to use the internet. Now she says that if we cared we would have cut off her phone and internet .....

I'm trying very hard not to get sucked into the 'tit for tat' arguing at her level - obviously knee jerk reaction is to do as she suggests and cut off her phone and internet - but of course that would also be deemed unreasonable. I would much rather she feels we trust and respect her in the family rather than just cut stuff off.

Sorry, you can tell I've only got 2 dogs to talk to at the moment!!

I think JBD is correct - we need to go back to basics and make it clear she has turned her back on the privilege I thought I'd earned for all of us - and now she has to earn those privileges in her own right.

smileypigface

Cross posted with Mupette - but agree with you entirely too.

Mupette

good luck.

Your obviously a very good mum, just some kids know how to twist it to make them look hard done by.

Sunshine12

Really feel for you OP. I dont have kids so cant really say much on that note however Im shocked that the school hasnt contacted you. She is only 15 so I would have thought that they had to get your permission if they were deviating from her usual schooling. I know that children are entitled to privacy but I still think with something like this that you should be informed. I would phone them and find out exactly what they are doing and why you havent been told.

Also confused why her friend suggesting that they have major issues with you!!!!!????????? Are they forgetting who the adult is!!

smileypigface

Sunshine12 wrote: »

Also confused why her friend suggesting that they have major issues with you!!!!!????????? Are they forgetting who the adult is!!

This is something I find more and more on the internet - some of the usual 'social' barriers are easy to ignore - and people (teenagers and adults alike) are more inclined to write things they would never dream of saying to someone's face. Of course there is also the fact that this 'teenager' on the internet could in fact be anybody!

belfastgirl23

I kind of want to come at this from a different angle. however much you might look at your daughter objectively and see that she has a good life, I would be inclined to start by believing that she feels otherwise - that all of the things she is expressing that you are writing off as attention seeking are real to her. That's not to say that you have to agree with her on them but I think the fact that you aren't taking it seriously is probably contributing to the problem. You don't get someone to feel better by telling them that they feel better, you get them to feel better by helping them figure out what's wrong. And I think you have a huge stake in believing that none of your actions have caused her any harm. But was your divorce really so totally amicable the whole way through? Do you think her mum moving out was easy for her? I actually think you need to step back and look at the situation again and ask yourself whether there might be reasons why she feels as she does?

As an example I remember when my dad and his 2nd wife had their first baby - I congratulated them etc but inside I was totally gutted. Although I guess in a way pleased for them too but really upset for myself. You can feel two contradictory things at once unfortunately. The heart is not logical.

I think at the minute you're so exasperated by her that you're making the situation worse. Maybe it's worth sitting down and asking her to tell you from her point of view what's wrong and really listening properly rather than trying to 'prove' to her that how she feels is unfair to you. Feelings are feelings and aren't right and wrong, they just are. She's crying out for attention and especially now before the baby comes might be time to give it to her.

I'm saying all of this knowing how exasperating 15 year olds can be. But I'm just reminding you that at the time it is all real to you, that is really how you feel. And if that is really how your daughter is feeling, is telling her off the way to deal with it?

Lots of luck, she will get through this phase!

smileypigface

Thank you for giving me another viewpoint BelfastGirl23 - I really appreciate it.

A harder post to read than the other posts supporting my viewpoint (all equally appreciated I hasten to add) - but it's always harder to read something that makes you feel you need to question your own standpoint.

You have triggered some areas that I need to have a long hard think about, that are maybe a bit less comfortable than the viewpoint I've taken so far.

I still think I need to reassess just how much in life she gets for free.

But at the same time I maybe need to move away from my usual standpoint - I do admit I am quite a practical and down to earth person (I'm the sort of friend who finds it hard to put my arm round someone's shoulder to comfort them but will go off and cook them a meal and clean their house to help them practically in times of crisis!).

Food for thought!!

whitewing

You are so good for not letting rip at her in front of her friends. I would have said something in that situation.

I am sitting here with my baby DD, dreading her being a teenager, lol.

JBD

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I kind of want to come at this from a different angle. however much you might look at your daughter objectively and see that she has a good life, I would be inclined to start by believing that she feels otherwise - that all of the things she is expressing that you are writing off as attention seeking are real to her. That's not to say that you have to agree with her on them but I think the fact that you aren't taking it seriously is probably contributing to the problem. You don't get someone to feel better by telling them that they feel better, you get them to feel better by helping them figure out what's wrong. And I think you have a huge stake in believing that none of your actions have caused her any harm. But was your divorce really so totally amicable the whole way through? Do you think her mum moving out was easy for her? I actually think you need to step back and look at the situation again and ask yourself whether there might be reasons why she feels as she does?

As an example I remember when my dad and his 2nd wife had their first baby - I congratulated them etc but inside I was totally gutted. Although I guess in a way pleased for them too but really upset for myself. You can feel two contradictory things at once unfortunately. The heart is not logical.

I think at the minute you're so exasperated by her that you're making the situation worse. Maybe it's worth sitting down and asking her to tell you from her point of view what's wrong and really listening properly rather than trying to 'prove' to her that how she feels is unfair to you. Feelings are feelings and aren't right and wrong, they just are. She's crying out for attention and especially now before the baby comes might be time to give it to her.

I'm saying all of this knowing how exasperating 15 year olds can be. But I'm just reminding you that at the time it is all real to you, that is really how you feel. And if that is really how your daughter is feeling, is telling her off the way to deal with it?

Lots of luck, she will get through this phase!

Sorry, I don't mean this disrespectfully, but I really have to disagree with this.
IMO ,this young lady is already getting too much attention and this is the root cause of the problem. I understand she may feel a little upset inside that there is a new baby coming. Well that's just life, babies are born all the time and the parents don't have to consult their children on when to fall pregnant.
Again, she does have a good life, not just in material things but a loving family, friends, educational opportunities. If she doesn't appreciate that then that's her problem, not her mothers. And yes, she is attention seeking.
I have one 21 year old and a 13 year old, and life doesn't revolve around their moods. It didn't for me either when I was growing up. I'm quite an old school parent and I didn't have any problems with my eldest son . As far as I'm concerned if they have a genuine problem then I will bend over backwards to help them but I'm not going to allow the mood of the whole family to be dictated by them. If they're going to be stroppy just for the sake of it then I just ignore them and they soon snap out of it once they realise no one is interested.
IMO this is why we see the intense teenager kind of thing that we saw in the OP. where they are always falling out and always have issues and emotional problems and so on.

As I said, just my opinion ,and what has worked for me.

emsywoo123

OP, to put it quite simply, you could be describing me at 15!:eek:
It's like you were talking about occasion that I can remember from my teenage years (I am nearly 30 now) and ironically I forgot how bad I was til I read your post.

Oh I had "issues" and I had ateacher chat to me about them.......which was good cos I really didn't like english which was the lesson I got to miss :rotfl::rotfl:and was the only reason I dramatised it all.

Everything, and I mean everyhting, was my mum's fault. Thought my dad was a hero for putting up with her. Now, I can see she was just being a mum. But I would argue with her that day was night and wrong was right!:rotfl:
Big emotional hugs-check. Eye rolling-check. Attitude-check.
Aggggghhhhhh it's all there!:eek:
Now, for some advice from my perspective......um, none really. Sorry. there was nothing my mum could have done to change it. I would say it lasted about a year, sorry
But YOU are not in the wrong. Remember that