Babysitting. Are you taken forgranted?

missile

I wonder if OP's DD will make the reverse trip to visit her mother on Sunday?

seven-day-weekend

missile wrote: »

No matter how old my kids get, unfortunately I will never stop worrying about them.

Yes, my old mum told me that. I can remember her in her 90s worrying about my sister, who was in her 70s!

So I don't want to have to worry about grandchildren as well.

paddy's_mum

I adore all my grandchildren. I love my daughters to bits. However, due to a big age gap between them, I was Mother for more years than most people. First born in 1972, last one reached 16 years old in 2001. I feel that almost 30 years of being on duty means I've done my 'time' and if my girls want me to babysit, they'd better look on it as a massive favour, not an entitlement.

At my own expense, I do sometimes travel the 150 miles each way to visit my grand-daughter in the south. However, for my money, as it were, I get to see other members of the family, as well as being put-up and fed by my daughter so it gets treated as a kind of mini-holiday in exchange for the parents having a couple of days to themselves, or practical help for a big wallpapering project, for example.

I suspect that the root cause of the OP's upset is her daughter's vastly over inflated sense of entitlement and importance. She's had a lifetime of no demand being too much and the comment "used to keeping our mouths shut" makes clear a long history of failing to say no to her. Sadly, there is only one way to start to alter that daughter's lifetime habit of getting exactly what she wants... and in the OP's shoes, I wouldn't allow hubby to phone the daughter, I'd ignore the (probably) shirty email and leave her to work out what the sudden silence means.

There is a way for both parties to achieve what they want. Is it possible for daughter on occasion to bring the child to grandparents, and then go on from there for a weekend break somewhere not too far away? That way, daughter foots the bill, Granny gets to see the little one and daughter and son-in-law have some valuable time to themselves.

I noted the use of the word blackmail during this thread but blackmail only works if the blackmailed agrees to do as the blackmailor dictates. Say no - and mean it - and the whole caper falls apart. Hope you can work this out with as little upset as possible, OP, but your daughter needs to learn a few manners!

Errata

IMadeMyOwnLuck wrote: »

It isn`t even that Nikki. It is more about not really appreciating US as individuals. I could go on about how she had a fantastic childhood, although never spoilt. She had a horse and we spent weekend after weekend taking her to one show after another. Later in life we pulled all the stops out to support her at uni for 5 years. Later again, we gave and gave of our time and `things` so that they could be comfy in their own home and later again so they could sell a clean home easily. Yes, we cleaned it top to bottom as they couldn`t see the effect that 2 large dogs have on a house

I feel like we have given ENOUGH.

Perhaps that's the key to the problem ? It seems like you've done far more for her than most parents are able to, and perhaps she sees any help she wants from you as her right, rather than your gift ?

Farway

OP you could turn it on it's head, you would be pleased to babysit, just ask them to drop the grandchildren off at your place, they could sleep over & parents collect next day

Then see just how keen they are for a night out

aliasojo

Errata wrote: »

Perhaps that's the key to the problem ? It seems like you've done far more for her than most parents are able to, and perhaps she sees any help she wants from you as her right, rather than your gift ?

Tbh, the first thing that popped into my mind was 'you reap what you sow'.

Whilst I think it's unfair to expect the OP to be there to babysit 'whenever', I also think the OP's post is a little unfair considering past history.

lilac_lady

It's a really difficult situation for the OP. The more you do for some children, the less you're appreciated. If you're unavailable for social babysitting on a couple of occasions maybe the penny will drop and your daughter will learn not to take you both for granted. If not, she'll be the loser even if she doesn't realise it.

dorisday

IMadeMyOwnLuck wrote: »

It isn`t even that Nikki. It is more about not really appreciating US as individuals. I could go on about how she had a fantastic childhood, although never spoilt. She had a horse and we spent weekend after weekend taking her to one show after another. Later in life we pulled all the stops out to support her at uni for 5 years. Later again, we gave and gave of our time and `things` so that they could be comfy in their own home and later again so they could sell a clean home easily. Yes, we cleaned it top to bottom as they couldn`t see the effect that 2 large dogs have on a house

I feel like we have given ENOUGH.

Please just have a look at the things you have written here! You have taught your daughter that you are infallable, you can do anything!! and she just has to ask or even not ask perhaps you just did.
How do you expect her to think differently, its like learning a new language. Children become what we have taught them so this is the result of your teachings.

You need to take a step back and be BUSY when she needs/wants you to do these things, and she wont change overnight if at all. But at least it will make you less resentful.:) and we all need a peacefull life as we get older

chesky369

......It is more about not really appreciating US as individuals......

She never will if you don't demand it of her. People who act like doormats can't complain if others wipe their feet on them. Like Newly Retired, I've just returned from a day helping at CAB, so my son and daughter have always understood that I'm just not there for them to dump on. However, I do try to be accommodating when it fits in with MY calendar. I'm happy to have my granddaughters here at the weekend for a Saturday sleepover, but I won't go to my daughter's house to babysit - she can ask others for that.

Incidentally, when I was a young mother (many moons ago), a group of us all living locally, set up a babysitting bank. And it worked an absolute treat. Tell her about it - gets you to know other people in your neighbourhood and saves you money. Fantastic.

welshmoneylover

My mother never babysat which I think is a shame as my children don't seem to be able to bond with her.

She was far more interested in getting dolled up and going out herself which is what I'm going to do when I'm retired