Babysitting. Are you taken forgranted?

IMadeMyOwnLuck

Well I know this is a bit of a touchy subject, after all we all love our grandchildren and we love to see them and spend time with them.

Do you ever feel taken forgranted? It is a fine line, I know but helping in an emergency is very different to making a round trip of 300 miles just so the parents can have a night out

I don`t want to harp back in time but we hardly went out and we were never in a position of being able to call on our parents. We managed everything ourselves, including local babysitters

We do all the emergency sittings for them and now dd has the `hump` because we are unable to re-schedule in order that they can go to a comedy show. Yes I did get notice but something extremely important has cropped up here

How on earth am I going to get it across for the future, that doing 300 miles plus £5.20 toll charges are just not on so they can have a social night out. I don`t want to hurt their feelings but we also have a life.

seven-day-weekend

TBH, I think it is a cheek for them to ask you.

Neither set of our parents babysat (although my in -laws did have my son on a Saturday daytime when he was small because they wanted to). My parents were too old, we would not have wanted to driven to deliver my son to my in-laws (even though it was only twenty minutes) and wouldn't dream of asking them to do so. I had used to babysit my friends's kids sometimes but they only lived round the corner.

We were lucky in that we had a lodger who was always happy to sit, but your daughter should make other arrangements. Ask friends, join a baby-sitting circle, even pay someone. Not expect you to drive 300 miles. No way.

I don't have grandchildren myself but I certainly would not do that unless it was an emergency.

IMadeMyOwnLuck

Good 7dw. My thoughts too but nice to have them reinforced. Like you we would not have dreamt of asking elderly parents to (in those days) get the train down and it is very hard to re-concile the `selfishness` today

It is the age old thing isn`t it of expecting grandparents to be so utterly besotted with the grandchildren that they (the parents) imagine that the grandchildren are top of the list for grandparents.

We are going to tell them, when the time is right, that we will not babysit just so they can have a night out. Picking the moment is key though as we obviously have to get through a layer of selfishness first

We aren`t the only ones and I think we, the grandparents, do better than some. I know a retired couple who are asked to travel a long way just so that mum ( their dil) can get her hair done or have a few days rest. There is so much psychological blackmail going on when it comes to babysitting.

nikki1520

I would never dream of asking my in laws to make that sort of trip to babysit! Although they do very kindly offer to do so, and when they are down for a few days insist that we take the opportunity to go out on our own for a few hours.

However, it's always appreciated, and we often treat them to an outing in return - we'll all go for lunch or something. My mum always used to say that if you demonstrated gratitude readily, people were always prepared to help you out again.

OP - perhaps a suggestion that they contribute to your travel costs might focus the mind on the importance of the outing? After all, a babysitter can be hired for about £20 for an evening. Obviously, you're not asking to be paid, just to not be out of pocket - after all, you have bills to pay too. (Unless you are my mother in law - in which case, thank you very much for all your assistance - LOL)

missile

I think you are right to refuse. Your DD has no friends to share babysitting with?

When my kids were young, I never asked my parents to babysit and they never offered.

IMadeMyOwnLuck

nikki1520 wrote: »

OP - perhaps a suggestion that they contribute to your travel costs might focus the mind on the importance of the outing? After all, a babysitter can be hired for about £20 for an evening. Obviously, you're not asking to be paid, just to not be out of pocket - after all, you have bills to pay too. (Unless you are my mother in law - in which case, thank you very much for all your assistance - LOL)

It isn`t even that Nikki. It is more about not really appreciating US as individuals. I could go on about how she had a fantastic childhood, although never spoilt. She had a horse and we spent weekend after weekend taking her to one show after another. Later in life we pulled all the stops out to support her at uni for 5 years. Later again, we gave and gave of our time and `things` so that they could be comfy in their own home and later again so they could sell a clean home easily. Yes, we cleaned it top to bottom as they couldn`t see the effect that 2 large dogs have on a house

I feel like we have given ENOUGH.

tanith

A bit different if you were around the corner but 300 miles thats taking the Micheal , it really is.. I am lucky that I live close to my daughters and see my grands all the time but I don't often babysit.. I offer to have them overnight now and then at my invitation and because they love to come and then my daughter and partner will take the opportunity to go out but they only ask if its an emergency .... Its not always the case that grandparents have endless patience or longing for contact with the grandchildren and they have earned the right to do it on their terms and not be expected to step in all the time... I hope you can get that message to your family without a falling out...

IMadeMyOwnLuck

You are so right Tannith. We won`t have a falling out because dh and I are used to keeping our mouths closed and somehow we will be getting the message across, maybe now is a start to that process

I do feel very shattered by this as we always do the best we can. Dh is going to ring her tonight as I feel it is always me she responds to in a `sharp` way. We were going tomorrow, to take her some fantastic kitchen equipment and to see the little ones, We cannot go on the day she wants as we have a very very important meeting here.

The response from her today, by e mail is `don`t bother` (re tomorrow). That is e mail for you, sounds nasty even if not meant nastily. Anyway I am not going to respond now, dh and I will go and have lunch out to chill today. Ball is in her court

Newly_retired

This is such a tricky one. I have a long story- will come back tonight to tell it after my day at CAB ( retired folk do have commitments after all) ....but just one point to consider, there are times when a couple really do need to get a bit of time together for a night out. It could help their relationship through a difficult time. Not that it can justify a 300 mile trip to babysit. My parents could not babysit for me, I had to make arrangements, not always easy I know.

seven-day-weekend

No-one is saying that she and her husband should not have time to themselves (I'd have gone mad if I hadn't had any), but to expect someone to travel 300 miles to enable them to do so is just not on. They should make other arrangements.

I told my son years ago that if he ever had any children, don't expect me to look after them other than in emergerncies, because I won't. Luckily his partner is quite a few years younger than him, only in her early twenties, and neither of them want any children. Hopefully if they do ever want any it will be another ten years and I'll be 70 so I can plead being too old !

Neither myself nor my husband will mind if we never have grandchildren, they will only be something else to worry about (our son and his partner both have problems so we still worry about them!).

missile

No matter how old my kids get, unfortunately I will never stop worrying about them.