partner issues, don't know what to do.

gravybones

I don't know where to post this for the best or even whether to post it at all I am more of a reader than a poster but I just feel I desperately in need someone to talk to to offload and possibly to hear some opinions. I have a partner who has back problems, he has suffered them for years but only within the last two years or so has he really sought treatment, it's a slow process, around three months between the appointment to discuss the next treatment and the actual treatment (caudal epidural which has had no effect, twice) then another three months between the treatment and the appointment to discuss how the treatment has worked, or not. So you can see how much of a plod it is and it feels like it's going nowhere.
Meanwhile my partner refuses point blank to get out of bed for the majority of the time, he lives actually in bed, claims it hurts too much to get up and try to join in with some semblance of a normal life, even if that normal life is actually just sitting downstairs, he won't do it, says it is too uncomfortable. I know some days his back is worse than others but it is this complete refusal to do anything but live in the bedroom which i find so difficult to deal with and it's really getting me down. He also complains we don't spend enough time together, well the only time I can be with him is if I sit in a half dark, stuffy, smoky, gloomy bedroom which frankly smells and is not pleasant. Despite being unwilling or unable to join in with normal family life and staying isolated upstairs, he still expects everything to be just so when he does venture downstairs to the kitchen, the house is always clean and tidy but he finds faults with the tiniest things.
His daily routine, eating sleeping etc, is totally out of synch with mine, he will usually eat his main meal late at night, 11pm or midnight say (I get up for work at 6 and need to sleep so I sleep in the spare room as it's the only way I can get enough) he eats all meals in the bedroom which I think is horrible, he will not eat what I eat or allow me to cook for him, he can manage to cook for himself though despite the back problems. He will usually wake up late, watch tv in bed till lunchtime or mid afternoon, eat lunch then sleep, possibly till as late as 7pm, watch tv in bed all evening, eat late, go to sleep late and so on.
I do genuinely feel for anyone who is in pain but it is soul destroying asking how someone is and every single time being responded to with a sigh, a grimmace and at best a 'so so' at worst having your head snapped off for asking. I have thought about depression but honestly I believe he is happy in his own world, living like this, the problems and the temper come when he is challenged in any way whatsoever over it.
He refuses to take any exercise at all, smokes constantly all day, is virtually immobile and the health implications of this really frighten me, everything I have read stresses the importance of staying mobile and strengthening muscles to compensate for back problems, he falls over often as his leg gives way, he as been to physio in the past but all exercise leaflets go straight in the bin and it is back to bed immediately. He stays up normally for example when his parents visit, but the minute they leave he goes back to bed. I work two part time jobs and am told only mugs work, something I absolutely do not agree with, he has a shocking temper and is the sort of person who you just can't talk to no matter how nicely, if it's a subject he doesn't want to hear he's totally dismissive, I am told to **** off out of the room, go back to my ex and other unpleasant things, he is prone to, in my opinion, completely overreact at the slightest thing and I am sorry to put it like this in case it makes me sound like a b!tch, he will play the 'bad back card' ..ie .how can I be such a cow to someone so ill. I am told that everything (apart from the bad back) is my fault, I myself feel i can't do anything right, i am so used to being told off and moaned at that it washes over me, I just expect it now.
As for splitting up neither of us have anywhere else to go and I could not afford to live here on my own (rented) neither could I afford to move somewhere fractionally cheaper ie one bedroom as i have no money up front.
This is all taking a huge toll on our relationship, I should mention also that he takes liquid morphine as and when needed. I understand that it is not really recommended for conditions such as his and is not for long-term use but he will rant and rave at the doctor on the phone if they suggest they are not happy to prescribe any more and they appear to cave in and issue a repeat prescription. It appears however not to be controlling the pain, I am convinced laying in bed permanently is making things worse if anything, and I think there is a possible addiction issue with the liquid morpine.
I really do have no one to talk to about all this I have no family, few friends, none locally, and work both jobs on my own so no opportunity even just for a chat about other things to help take my mind off it. It feels like such a mess and impossible to make any progress, I know I'm not heartless as I'm often told, I am very worried about his health and it concerns me that the lifestyle he is living now will cause other health issues in future which could be avoided. I absolutely don't know what to do or where to turn, it's not in my nature to just wash my hands of someone as I know some people think I should. Would it be possible for me to speak to his GP or not? I think I know deep down that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I end up doubting myself and questioning whether it is me being unreasonable. Thanks for reading.

squirrelchops

Blimey,

it sound like you are in a very difficult situation.

I would also be very concerned regarding you OH's mental health....it sounds to me like he is possibly depressed too given what you have said re: sleep patterns, low mood etc.

There are support groups and methods that work for people who have chronic pain.....a way of learning to cope with it knowing that it will never go away. I am sure some kind people on here will know more about this.

What was your OH like before the chronicity of his back pain. Was he a motivated happy individual? Did he work?

I am thinking about how he might be feeling in terms of loss. If you think about the feelings he might have being akin to a bereavement......the bereavement being a 'normal' life.

Errata

From your description, your OH is leading a very, very chaotic lifestyle. In your shoes I would speak to his GP asap about it. There seem to be some extremely serious medical problems going on.

dandy-candy

Poor you! You are having a tough time and caring for someone who is ill is incredibly demanding physically and mentally. It sounds like your partner is (understandably) suffering from depression but with some men they go defensive rather than breaking down - that comes later. I totally agree with you that his stay in bed lifestyle is bad - not only for his back, but he is risking bloodclots too esp as he is a smoker, and I expect the morphine can cause constipation which will be much more of a problem if he lies down all day - does he want to end up with bowel problems too? With someone like him a sledgehammer approach won't work. I don't know what sort of relationship you have but if it has been loving then I would have a heart to heart with him saying you are really concerned and you want to see him happy, well and not with other problems etc. Speak to his GP and also ask your partner if he would be willing to try some depression treatment. He needs to go back to physio and councelling too wouldn't hurt. If he's getting angry then I don't think he is happy in his world, more likely bitter and the bad situation he has been put in. I am very sorry for you and hope you sort something out soon. Try to keep you spirits up - if it really is too much you can always leave, it will be hard but that option is always there. Hopefully though things will get better between the two of you. Good luck x

paddy's_mum

You are being bullied and oppressed. Who goes to fetch the cigarettes and the food that he deigns to cook? You?

If you left, or got whisked into hospital for six weeks, he would have to manage, same as he does when his parents come to visit. Why doesn't he insist that they conduct the visit in his stinking lair? Might it be because they know him too well to fall for the con trick?

I think there are a lot of questions to be answered and the biggest one of all is do you still love him, for himself, or is the bullying and guilt what's keeping you there?

He is being very short-sighted with the insults and swearing or else he knows full well that you would never leave and that he therefore has carte blanche to be as offensive as his foul mood takes him.

I know it's hard to be cheerful and smiling if (if!) you are in constant pain but this all smacks of a mental health/personality issue rather than just a medical problem.

Lotus-eater

It's well known now that the best thing for a bad back is to keep moving.

In all honesty I agree with the "blimey" above. It's all a bit shocking really. If it was me? I'd just leave him too it and not do anything for him, see how long he lives in his own dirt without being waited on hand and foot.
It will be the end of the relationship probably, but then it doesn't sound like any sort of relationship anyway.

Oldernotwiser

It sounds like he's mentally ill on top of his physical problems but, unless he was a totally different person before this happened, I think you should look after yourself and get out.

Start paying only for your own needs and put together an escape fund so that you can rent a place of your own. You really need to get out of this abuive relationship.

boliston

No one seems to have mentioned who actually owns the property you live in. Is it jointly owned, rented or owned by one or the other? Without this vital information it is very difficult for anyone to really give the best advice.

paddy's_mum

It's rented - first line of the last paragraph.

gravybones

thankyou all so so much I was dreading reading the replies but it helps to know it isn't just me, when you are told often enough it is then you start, in a part of you, to believe it. I did just put the bare bones of the situation, I do believe in my heart it is a somewhat abusive relationship as far as it is a relationship at all, I just don't want to be the enabler of this behaviour, yes there are the side effects of the medication like constipation, and I do worry about circulation and digestive problems with the inactivity.
I try to stay positive and cheerful, to encourage not force things but it is called nagging. I have known him for many years before we got involved and he can be incredibly loving and thoughtful but this is getting rarer nowadays. He did used to work yes and earned good money, but I would just say I have always known he could be difficult at times, stuff I can't put here, he used to drink a lot but thankfully not any more at least that is someting positive. I have tried a heart to heart many times but every suggestion gets shot down, he completely discounts the idea of pressing his GP for more help (I just 'don't understand how it all works, it doesn't work like that') he rules out counselling saying it 'doesnt work', also alternative therapies like acupuncture. His family are aware and I think don't dare say anything we all feel like we are on eggshells, his parents live in a different part of the country so we see them rarely. I am on a low income and things are incredibly difficult financially, I feel I am not allowed to get down, I tried to explain how I felt yesterday but it is all twisted and turned and basically I am told he is not interested in the way I feel because of the way I go about it, everything is interpreted as me 'having a go at him' so he blanked me which I realise is a way of not allowing me to talk. Every attempt ends up in conflict and to be honest I am getting afraid to open my mouth. I love him and I don't want to see him like this, lots and lots of people have disabilities and strive very hard for as normal a life as possible, I can see there are deeper possible mental health issues. Thankyou all again x

tired_mum

When i first read this i thought he sounded like a lazy ignorant pig but as i read on it became very clear that your OH has some sort of mental issues going on, maybe he needs to be told that if he doesnt seek some sort of help for these problems and follow the advice given re his back then you will be looking to change your lifestyle but please impress upon him that you will be with him every step of the way but will not continue to be abused