partner issues, don't know what to do.

maysmummy

I don't think I would stay with someone who told me to f*** off. That's not how loving partners behave,IMHO. This is particularly true when you are doing everything for them-including bringing in the money.
I would book a week off work and go and visit your family. Don't tell him, don't invite him , just go.

See how you feel when you get back. He isn't going to starve to death in that time, but it will be interesting to note if the house is clean, ciggies bought etc and by whom. Next move can be planned from there.

Happychappy

Being all fluffy and nice......Bin him, he sounds a shirker and waste of space, Don't ruin your life for the hope this idle creature will wake up and smell the roses, which it sounds like the bedroom could do with.

Many people have back pain, I also a problem where the epidural didnt work and now waiting for an op this month to remove a disc and a fair bit of meccano metal work, but life is what your dealt with, I still hold down a full time job, have never claimed benefits and given the "whoa is me" act, and have no sympathy for those who do.

So leave him to wallow and if he wants you, he will have to get off his lazy !!!! to come and find you.

Best of luck to you, but you need to take a reality check and see where YOUR own life is heading, so think, been there and tried that, didnt work, so move on, hope this doesnt come across as unsympathetic toawrds your partner ; )

chesky369

No longer continue to collude in his behaviour. If he wants cigarettes, he can (a) go and buy them himself or (b) do some physiotherapy to 'earn' them. I agree with the holiday - it would be good if you could get leave from your jobs and just go away.

Actually, I'd just leave him. Find out if your local authority does an deposit assistance scheme for those wanting to privately rent but who don't have sufficient funds for a deposit.

captainscott996

gravybones wrote: »

I don't know where to post this for the best or even whether to post it at all I am more of a reader than a poster but I just feel I desperately in need someone to talk to to offload and possibly to hear some opinions. I have a partner who has back problems, he has suffered them for years but only within the last two years or so has he really sought treatment, it's a slow process, around three months between the appointment to discuss the next treatment and the actual treatment (caudal epidural which has had no effect, twice) then another three months between the treatment and the appointment to discuss how the treatment has worked, or not. So you can see how much of a plod it is and it feels like it's going nowhere.
Meanwhile my partner refuses point blank to get out of bed for the majority of the time, he lives actually in bed, claims it hurts too much to get up and try to join in with some semblance of a normal life, even if that normal life is actually just sitting downstairs, he won't do it, says it is too uncomfortable. I know some days his back is worse than others but it is this complete refusal to do anything but live in the bedroom which i find so difficult to deal with and it's really getting me down. He also complains we don't spend enough time together, well the only time I can be with him is if I sit in a half dark, stuffy, smoky, gloomy bedroom which frankly smells and is not pleasant. Despite being unwilling or unable to join in with normal family life and staying isolated upstairs, he still expects everything to be just so when he does venture downstairs to the kitchen, the house is always clean and tidy but he finds faults with the tiniest things.
His daily routine, eating sleeping etc, is totally out of synch with mine, he will usually eat his main meal late at night, 11pm or midnight say (I get up for work at 6 and need to sleep so I sleep in the spare room as it's the only way I can get enough) he eats all meals in the bedroom which I think is horrible, he will not eat what I eat or allow me to cook for him, he can manage to cook for himself though despite the back problems. He will usually wake up late, watch tv in bed till lunchtime or mid afternoon, eat lunch then sleep, possibly till as late as 7pm, watch tv in bed all evening, eat late, go to sleep late and so on.
I do genuinely feel for anyone who is in pain but it is soul destroying asking how someone is and every single time being responded to with a sigh, a grimmace and at best a 'so so' at worst having your head snapped off for asking. I have thought about depression but honestly I believe he is happy in his own world, living like this, the problems and the temper come when he is challenged in any way whatsoever over it.
He refuses to take any exercise at all, smokes constantly all day, is virtually immobile and the health implications of this really frighten me, everything I have read stresses the importance of staying mobile and strengthening muscles to compensate for back problems, he falls over often as his leg gives way, he as been to physio in the past but all exercise leaflets go straight in the bin and it is back to bed immediately. He stays up normally for example when his parents visit, but the minute they leave he goes back to bed. I work two part time jobs and am told only mugs work, something I absolutely do not agree with, he has a shocking temper and is the sort of person who you just can't talk to no matter how nicely, if it's a subject he doesn't want to hear he's totally dismissive, I am told to **** off out of the room, go back to my ex and other unpleasant things, he is prone to, in my opinion, completely overreact at the slightest thing and I am sorry to put it like this in case it makes me sound like a b!tch, he will play the 'bad back card' ..ie .how can I be such a cow to someone so ill. I am told that everything (apart from the bad back) is my fault, I myself feel i can't do anything right, i am so used to being told off and moaned at that it washes over me, I just expect it now.
As for splitting up neither of us have anywhere else to go and I could not afford to live here on my own (rented) neither could I afford to move somewhere fractionally cheaper ie one bedroom as i have no money up front.
This is all taking a huge toll on our relationship, I should mention also that he takes liquid morphine as and when needed. I understand that it is not really recommended for conditions such as his and is not for long-term use but he will rant and rave at the doctor on the phone if they suggest they are not happy to prescribe any more and they appear to cave in and issue a repeat prescription. It appears however not to be controlling the pain, I am convinced laying in bed permanently is making things worse if anything, and I think there is a possible addiction issue with the liquid morpine.
I really do have no one to talk to about all this I have no family, few friends, none locally, and work both jobs on my own so no opportunity even just for a chat about other things to help take my mind off it. It feels like such a mess and impossible to make any progress, I know I'm not heartless as I'm often told, I am very worried about his health and it concerns me that the lifestyle he is living now will cause other health issues in future which could be avoided. I absolutely don't know what to do or where to turn, it's not in my nature to just wash my hands of someone as I know some people think I should. Would it be possible for me to speak to his GP or not? I think I know deep down that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I end up doubting myself and questioning whether it is me being unreasonable. Thanks for reading.

hello

this was exactly my situation. you could have been describing the past two years of my life. every single thing that you have said is what happened to me. we never went out (not even to his sisters 50th). he was possessive, jealous, nasty, chain smoking and eating in the bedroom, lazy, rude and i felt like a slave being sent to the shop for ciggies and doing everything after a full day at work - he didn't even clear up cat wee on the kitchen floor whilst i was out.

things came to a head a few weeks ago when there was an argument and he suddenly found the strength to throw me across the bedroom (see the only other thread on this user name). needless to say he was arrested and not allowed to contact me. however, he comes back to town on the 12th and seems to think that he can get off the money he owes me and even take the cats - i dont even know if he has got anywhere to live.

it makes me so cross that someone else is in the same situation as i was in. and yes i completely understand - i would not have left him had it not come to violence - i would have stuck by him - however that is all in the past and i have got back in touch with my friends and even been out to dinner a couple of times!

big hugs and feel free to pm me if you need to chat privately

belfastgirl23

I agree with what a lot of the other posters are saying but I also think you really aren't helping your DH either with how things are at the minute. In taking everything on and being incredibly strong for him you're actually enabling him to be weak and not do anything for himself. At the end of the day this is really bad for him, which you recognise yourself.

Given that you can't do anything to change him, and he refuses to listen when you talk to him, you are going to have to take action if you want to save him. You need to tell him very calmly that you don't agree with how he's living his life right now, if he chooses to continue that's up to him but you are not going to enable him to kill himself. Make it clear to him that you are doing this because you care for him. And then leave him to it. Don't buy cigarettes. Don't bring stuff to the bedroom. Don't buy food if you think he can get out of the house.

It will be really hard. But remember, you are doing this for his own good! And for the good of your relationship too!

Errata

I have thought about depression but honestly I believe he is happy in his own world, living like this, the problems and the temper come when he is challenged in any way whatsoever over it.

Picking up on this from the OP's first post, and reading her subsequent posts, it seems to me that her OH has completely lost touch with reality. There seems to be no indication that he has any sense of how bizarre the way he is living is, and how far out of the norm his behaviour towards her is.
In her shoes I would want to talk to the GP. Most GP's will have a conversation with an OH if they explain how very seriously worried they are about their partner's health, both physical and psychological.

rachelhen

I know its not helpful , but I am going to have a daydream, in it you just pack up and go.

While you hold him up he will probably just get worse.

He may deteriorate if you leave, but are you prepared to live like this? Depends how long it has gone on I suppose.

I cannot tell you about my life as my name is not hidden but frankly I had to struggle to divorce my ex (with 3 children) but it truly was the best thing possible, 14 yrs on and I know that my life and my very soul would have been extinguished if I had not.

It does appear that there is a severe mental health problem alongside the physical issues. Liquid Morphine should not be for long term use.

No t sure how bad tempered he gets, but I was always too scared to cross my ex, until I decided to divorce him. You may be frightened to cross him?

captainscott996

gravybones - dont know if it is my pc or internet but pm's dont seem to be working right! think that the last one i sent you went about 8 times (4yr old helping) and your reply did not say anything - i do hope that it was not because you were caught on the computer by oh - worried about you now

carefullycautious

I would be out of there. His dreadful lifestyle is making his situation worse.
Yes ongoing pain can cause depression so there may be an element of that involved.

He has replaced his addiction to alcohol with nicotine and progressed this onto the morphine.

He needs serious help via psychiatry. I would go to his GP explain everything that is happening. And then get the hell out of there.

Bananabelly

I am a physio and have in the past done a lot of work with chronic pain patients. Chronic pain is a completely different problem to acute (less than 3 months) pain. There are chronic pain programs in most NHS departments, often called Functional Restoration or something similar. Unfortunately it is well known that only about half the people attending these programs get a lot of benefit. It can be a very threatening thing as you are basically changing a whole lifestyle and that can be difficult for both the client and the family, and meeting the family I can usually figure out whether the client will get any benefit.

There has been studies looking at partner's behaviour, and the more a partner sympathises and says 'poor you' the more pain behaviour the client shows and the worse the problem gets. I don't mean to criticise, but it sounds like you are very caring and trying to be very understanding towards your OH and it may have backfired in this way.

If he is not willing to get counselling (which it sounds like he needs, even more than physio) then you should think about getting some, and you can change your behaviour towards him. Particularly with regards to accepting his criticisms of you so readily.

I doubt that he is happy in his own world, but he has dug himself a hole and can't see a way out of it, particularly as he would have to change his whole lifestyle. It is often compounded by doctors and medical staff offering 'cures' which gives patients false hope. It is much easier to think 'I will just have this epidural and all the pain will go away'. Chronic pain is completely different and if he has had it for years (which it sounds like?) it will never completely go away. He can learn to live and deal with it or he can sit in his room and sulk.

There is a great book about coping with chronic pain if you think he might be interested (or to help you understand it better) called Explain Pain, by Lorimer Moseley and David Butler. It is expensiveish (?30 pounds) though I think.