partner issues, don't know what to do.

gravybones

boliston wrote: »

No one seems to have mentioned who actually owns the property you live in. Is it jointly owned, rented or owned by one or the other? Without this vital information it is very difficult for anyone to really give the best advice.

It's rented by me.

boliston

gravybones wrote: »

....
As for splitting up neither of us have anywhere else to go and I could not afford to live here on my own (rented) neither could I afford to move somewhere fractionally cheaper ie one bedroom as i have no money up front....

Presumably you would have the deposit from your existing rental to use as a deposit on your new cheaper rental, which would also have a lower deposit as it's normally a month's rent unless you have a bad credit rating.

Lotus-eater

tired_mum wrote: »

When i first read this i thought he sounded like a lazy ignorant pig but as i read on it became very clear that your OH has some sort of mental issues going on, maybe he needs to be told that if he doesnt seek some sort of help for these problems and follow the advice given re his back then you will be looking to change your lifestyle but please impress upon him that you will be with him every step of the way but will not continue to be abused

Where's that then?

Because I read it as he can be up when his parents come over, which strikes me as a very calculating maneuver, designed to create a false picture of what's going on to outside, while not caring and taking total advantage of his wife.
Mental issues? Can't see it myself.

yoni_one

gravybones wrote: »

1) Would it be possible for me to speak to his GP or not?

2) I think I know deep down that you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. I end up doubting myself and questioning whether it is me being unreasonable.

1) You could try voicing your concerns to your GP but she can't really discuss his case in detail with you without your husband's consent. My hope talking to the GP is that it may be a pathway to access some support for you.

2) If your husband does not want to change his way of living then you cannot force him to, at least not while you continue to meet his demands as you have been doing.

From what you have described you are caring for a demanding person who is critical of any effort you do or don't make, you cannot win or please someone who gets their small pleasures from exercising control over someone else.

If you please them it is really not in their interest to demonstrate it, at least not until they realise they have pushed things too far and are at risk of losing that control,then they may appear thankful and appreciative, until the balance returns to how it was.

You cannot change his behaviour, but you can change yours.

You sound very caring, to the degree that your focus has been on everything but you.

You have some options and a few of those are:

a) Contact Adult Social Care for an assessment to adapt the home making it easier for your husband to get around, again the contact may also lead to accessing support for you.

b) Contact your local volunteer or advice and information centre and ask for information about groups for carers. In my local area there are so many offering lots of things, but the very least they offer is listening support and social opportunities with others who are in similar positions.

c) Contact your local Women's Aid for emotional support. The controlling behaviour you have described is a form of domestic abuse. Women's Aid recognise the complexities of living with an abusive partner and can offer specialist information and support regardless of whether you choose to remain with him or not. The helpline number is 0808 2000 247 ask for your local agency offering an outreach service. If you explore this option but feel you are not getting anywhere then please pm me and I may be able to help you access support.

d) Contact Welfare Rights for a benefits check to make sure you claiming everything you are entitled to.

I sense that you feel very torn between the empathy you have for your husband's pain and the thoughts you are having about the position he is putting you in, then feeling guilty for having those thought. If it is any help at all it is very normal to think that way but you are so isolated at the moment and your only real contact is your husband. If anything he will continue to play on nurturing your guilts because at the end of the day they fall more in his favour than yours.

Thank you for posting, I really hope this is the start of something positive for you.

27col

Give him an ultimatum of some sort, if you get no response. Get out, he's just taking the p***.

misty_blue_2

I feel for you i really do
but he really is taking the ****
my OH has a bad back problem too, and bad knees and wrists and other health related problems, and also my full time carer ( i have MS and bedridden for most of the time)
My OH through all his problems is at this minute outside replacing and fixing the fence panels the blew down a few weeks ago, as well as his caring for me.
Your partner needs a good kick up the backside and an ultimatum, he should thank his lucky stars he has a choice to get out of bed
you must also take care of your own health too, this is obviously having and effect on you.

lilac_lady

I had a really bad back problem which eventually resulted in an operationand 3 months in a full body plaster cast. During that time I had to look after my children (with great difficulty) so although I sympathise with your partner about his back pain I think he's taking advantage of you.

If he won't seek help, find out information about re-housing yourself and let him get on with it. I bet he'll be able to do a lot more for himself than he's been doing. He's got a slave/servant, why would he want to change?

ecgirl07

Run your financials as a single person using current rent and income through this to see if you would get help with housing costs, WTC etc as a single person.

http://www.entitledto.co.uk/Default.aspx?AspxAutoDetectCookieSupport=1



Your OH has to want to help himself for the sake of helping himself, first and foremost, and it sounds like he is not interested in doing that. If this is the case then do what is right for you in the long run, where do you want to be in a year? in 3 years? in 5 years?

gravybones

thankyou all again, so many sensible opinions and I agree with them all even those which conflict with each other which means a lot to think about and while I think there is possibly some mental health issue I also see manipulative and calculating behaviour, those times I have really been strong and put my foot down I have had apologies and a complete change of attitude and been told he is afraid he will lose me which is what makes him behave the way he does. I get accused of cheating and even of going elsewhere when I am supposed to be at work!
Misty blue and Lilac-lady, thankyou, I wish I could show him your responses, that there are people out there in a worse situation who are persevering with life. I don't want to see him wasting his life, bad back or not, it hurts me so much to see someone I love just lolling around in bed on a permanent basis, it makes me want to shake him. I agree he needs a boot up the backside, he's in his late thirties not his seventies!!
I was ready to talk, or ask if we could, but now he's sleepy and it's not a good time, there is always something to make it not a good time, I can see what he is doing with that. I really could scream at times.
Like I said lots to think over and many thanks to everyone who has read and replied it is hugely appreciated.

Zazen999

Oh dear. How on earth did you get into this mess? What a nightmare.

Do you REALLY love him? It's not coming across that way.