Partners parents have guessed and offered to help what to do?

Katharine

ZTD wrote:

Right, let's see if I've got this right in my mind.

• Your partner is 10K in debt
• It's in your name
• He is supposed to give ~£400 pm (4 wk month)
• This month he has given ~£280
• He has not given you any reason why. You say "can't" but it could easily be "won't".
• You don't state his wage, but he has it all bar £280 to spend on himself. From this he has to pay petrol. How much does he spend on petrol?

This leads to the following questions:
Where is his wage going? Why don't you know?
Why isn't it going to pay for "essential household bills"?
Why isn't it going to pay off his debt?

I'm starting to go off down the Queenie route I'm afraid.

I didn't say he cant or wont tell me, I haven't asked yet, bar the first time. I do know where is money goes in general as I have gone through his finances with him, so I know he can't affort to pay anything towards the debt right now, but I also know he can't afford the beer he buys. This is the only problem here, even if he does have extra essential bills or costs I wouldn't mind if he paid everything he could towards the joint bills. It is not 'all to spend on himself' a couple of joint bills come from his account and he uses £50 of petrol a week just getting to work, there are also other costs like running his car etc. He is only paid £200 a week. A few beers are the sticking point here. Last month the payment plan worked perfectly and I was a happy bunny.

This is why I tend to keep these things to myself one negative thing said about an otherwise lovely partner and there is always someone willing to make him out to look like a selfish git, which is how it feels now.

He does work shifts calleyw. I'm doing 45 hour weeks ATM thats enough for me!

calleyw

Katharine wrote:

This is why I tend to keep these things to myself one negative thing said about an otherwise lovely partner and there is always someone willing to make him out to look like a selfish git, which is how it feels now.

Don't feel bad. We can only comment on what we have been told. Sorry if it feels that we are judging your partner as being a selfish git as you put.

We all have grips and moans about partners/husbands/wives etc. It does not mean beacuse I sometimes say my husband is a bit useless as DIY does not mean that I love him any less or makes he selfish git. And people can make what comments/judgements they like. As long as he kind and caring that is the most important thing.

Money and sex is what causes most arguments and split ups amongst couples.

That is why you need to get this money thing sorted out. Maybe a joint account approach for household bills and personal accounts to pay for running a car, spends etc.

It obviously is upsetting you as you would never had posted on a forum. We are just offering comments and thoughts. It is your choice what you take or don't to help you.

All the best. I do hope it helps you.


Yours


Calley

southernscouser

Is it possible to setup a standing order for the money to go into your bill account every week?

Queenie

Katharine wrote:

... The majority of the debt has been spent on absolute essentials, rent, household bills, food petrol etc for us both...

... Lightbulb only came once I realised I was earning money and still had none, and worked out it was all gone after min payments and bills.

Of course I will not take up this offer without thoughly discussing it with OH and his parents. They are very close and I think it may actually help for him to feel more ownership for the debt. I am concerned about possible way this could go awfully wrong tho and will discuss this too. If I do go ahead, if there is some way I can make it be seen as purely a loan to him I will, in the politest possible sense!

Ok, I've had to re-read this, because I still see an imbalance here: I - I - I - I - I - I - I - loan to HIM.

Maybe I'm a bit too long in the tooth; perhaps I've seen too much of life; call me a cynic (Queenie! You cynic, you!!! ) but ...

Who (precisely) is this loan for and what for? Is it (as you have stated) for HIM and is it for HIS share of the joint debt that is currently in your name? If so, then surely the decision to accept or otherwise, is his and his alone? In which case, you are out of the equation to a certain extent.

If he is not yet able (for reasons he has yet to disclose to you - which ring warning bells in this ole cynic's ear anyway!) to give you his regular contribution to your *joint* living costs, then how is he able to ensure, especially with his employment becoming unstable at the end of August, that he can even meet the repayments to his parents?

All I know, Katharine, is this much ... when a guy isn't on the same wavelength when it comes to prioritising the financial side of living together, heartache often isn't far behind. If he is prioritising beer over rent/bills, then he isn't taking a mature or responsible approach to his present or his future. Now, that is based on my personal and professional experiences.

However, *you* have faith in him, his commitment and only you can know his circumstances (insofar as he allows you to know). Ultimately, you have asked on a public forum for opinions from people you have never met; people who have a variety of experiences, variety of opinions and just as many different ways of dealing with the dilema you now face. To a certain extent, I wonder if, your defensive post is based on the fact that you really just wanted someone to say, "Hey! Bite their hand off, take the pressure away and here's how to not worry about the 4 items of concern."

Personally, I feel that to do that, would only be adding to potential grief, hence my forthright opinion. Your own gut instinct appears to have been to put the breaks on and tread with caution.

I'll leave you with your own words:

Dont really see how taking any more money would work or even be possible when he cant give the £100 a week

If he can't give the £100 per week for his own living expenses, the question really does beg to be asked, how on Earth can he manage to repay any money his parents lend for his £10k debt?

I still wish you the wisdom and strength to make the right decision for your circumstances. All the best!

southernscouser

calleyw wrote:

Money and sex is what causes most arguments and split ups amongst couples.

It's even worse when money is being used to pay for sex! Which I'd never do! :whistle:

No honestly, I wouldn't! :whistle:

:rotfl:

Queenie

Katharine wrote:

...
This is why I tend to keep these things to myself one negative thing said about an otherwise lovely partner and there is always someone willing to make him out to look like a selfish git, which is how it feels now.

No one is trying to make him sound that way, Katharine ... we can only go by your own words/postings.

I did begin my initial post by stating:

In the first instance, please may I just say, I am writing as someone *not* emotionally involved and not with any intention to offend, upset, critisize or in any way hurt you. But, I will give an *honest* opinion, which I hope you take in the way it is meant - objective, without malice and with respect.

My experiences are, a man who puts beer before his responsibilities could well be described in the terms *you* chose. But, those are *your* words, not mine.

My apologies if I have failed in my endeavours not to hurt or offend. Sincerely!

ZTD

Katharine wrote:

I didn't say he cant or wont tell me, I haven't asked yet, bar the first time.

Oops. Sorry! My fault - I was unclear. It wasn't can't or won't tell you, but rather can't or won't pay you. Without an explanation, you can't tell which it is. If the explanation is an excuse, then it's "won't". If the explanation is good enough to be a reason, then it's "can't".

Katharine wrote:

I do know where is money goes in general as I have gone through his finances with him, so I know he can't affort to pay anything towards the debt right now, but I also know he can't afford the beer he buys.

But you also know that he can afford to pay the joint bills. Otherwise you would not have budgeted for him to do so. Considering he is supposed to pay you £100 a week, to fall £120 behind would have taken at least two weeks. Is there any reason you haven't managed to get an explanation from him why he hasn't paid his way in this fortnight, especially as a single day off work should only have affected a single week's wage, and that would be about £10 worth of petrol saved.

Also, you don't know where this £90 nett has gone. Except for two lots of beer.

Katharine wrote:

This is the only problem here, even if he does have extra essential bills or costs I wouldn't mind if he paid everything he could towards the joint bills. It is not 'all to spend on himself' a couple of joint bills come from his account and he uses £50 of petrol a week just getting to work, there are also other costs like running his car etc. He is only paid £200 a week.

Is he looking for other work? Something closer than what must be about 30 miles away? Spending a quarter of your take-home pay on petrol seems to make the job pretty poorly paid.

Katharine wrote:

A few beers are the sticking point here. Last month the payment plan worked perfectly and I was a happy bunny.

This is why I tend to keep these things to myself one negative thing said about an otherwise lovely partner and there is always someone willing to make him out to look like a selfish git, which is how it feels now.

I don't know if he's a selfish git or not. It's not what you've said, but what you haven't said that has raised doubts. Getting the whole story has been difficult - we should have made you post this weeks SOA...:D

But I left my rubber cosh in my other coat.:eek:

Katharine wrote:

He does work shifts calleyw. I'm doing 45 hour weeks ATM thats enough for me!

Enough for anyone...

annie-c

Katherine - have you ever thought about getting some debt counselling as a couple? This debt seems to be an awfully big burden on your shoulders and , as you say, although your OH has lots of lovely qualities, the two of you have very different perspectives on how to deal with money and at the moment, you are bearing the brunt of the burden alone.

Personally, I think you are getting some good opinions on these boards, especially from Queenie, but it really worried me that as early as your first post, you raised the possibility of what might happen if you were to separate. For the sake of your relationship, as well as your bank balance, you need to work through this with your OH. Maybe a loan from the 'in-laws' is a good thing, maybe not - but the important thing for you both is that you find a way of taking joint responsibility for your relationship and your finances... and maybe the positive thing that could come out of this situation is that it could open up a converstion that you and your OH have been needing to have for a long time.

Personally I recommend Alvin HAll's Your Money or Your life, book, which has some good chapters for couples that will ehlp you understand your different perspectives on finance.

Good luck,

Annie

beanielou

Personaly , I think a beer chart sounds so cool!
Can you maybe post a statement of affairs to help us to help you?

calleyw

southernscouser wrote:

It's even worse when money is being used to pay for sex! Which I'd never do! :whistle:

No honestly, I wouldn't! :whistle:

:rotfl:

Now we know the real reason you started off with £34K worth of debt:rotfl:


Yours


Calley