Partners parents have guessed and offered to help what to do?

Katharine

Last weekend we were round my parters parents and apperently they asked him why we never have any money, so he told them. I had already said I didn't want to tell anyone as I saw the debt as our problem to sort out not anyone elses. But now its happened it doesn't feel to uncomfortable. Any way they have offered to help to 'ease some of the pressure' but I have doubts, and need an outside opinion.

First the bad things, although apx 10k of the debt is my partners, it is all in my name and it am in charge of the money, so obviously I feel more ownership for it and so feel bad about borrowing from his folks. Secondly I don't think it should 'take the pressure off' ie I dont think we should then spend money on unnessesary things, as although we would save on interest, I should still be paying everything back as soon as possible, snowballing. Which also means them being paid back last, and we havn't exactly been a lucky couple historically, and if we had another bad spell it could well mean bankrupcy and I would obviously hate to not pay them back alot more than banks!

The only positive really is we would save a fortune in interest. Plus if really the worst happened, and this is a horrible thing to say, if we split at least I would have passed back some of the debt to him (ie he could pay his parents back).

Being in debt is putting strain on us, or rather my chaged attitute since joined the DFWs is, this is such a shame as we get on so well usually. He can't help earning peanuts and not being able to afford to repay any of the debt currently, but he could give me as much money as possible towards his half of the bills, which when hes buying beer he is not doing. This month he owes me £120 towards our essential bills and twice in the past week hes come home with beer, I do not begrudge him a beer but I do begrudge my budget flying out the window because of £120 I didnt factor in. I stick to £20 budget a month for beer for myself now and when it runs out it runs out, I want him to do the same.

What should and can I do? I'm feeling so frustrated.

james32_uk

If they've offered I would take them up on it. Especially seeing as its his parents and as you say he doesnt 'own' his fair share of the debt.

It sounds like youre already beginning to creak under ths strain so why not let someone else help with the pressure!

Go for it and think of the interest you'll save!

wigginsmum

I think your priority has got to be to sort things out with your other half first - if you're not working together on solving the debts, then a loan from his parents would only muddy the issue. Have you spoken to him about the buying beer thing?

in_my_wellies

I do not begrudge him a beerThis sounds so familiar. Why is it that some men somehow think they are not part of the plan and the womam sounds so mean/is nagging if she questions it? You are in this together and he must play his part properly a)so you stick to your plan, b)you don't start to feel resentful

My concern about borrowing from the in laws would be that your partner gets a false sense of security and builds up more debt

ps I don't mean all men

Katharine

Thank-you for your understanding replys, I am going to try and talk to him properly about it, although I have already. But I do feel like a nag when I bring I up and I hate feeling like that as I'm quite laid back person, its not in my nature. I'm wondering if I should also talk to his parents about it as he always listens to them, seeing as he's already told them, or if that would be a tad underhand.

He can't build up any debt as he doesn't have the facility to do so due to his low earning/contract job, I did which is why it is all in my name, he has always been anti CC's and loans and it actually very good at not spending money with the one exception of beer.

I wouldn't allow any more debt to be built up, its within my power and it's a big responsibility, the only thing I ask of him is that he pays his half of the bills so I can slowly nibble at the debt. He is looking for a better paid job so he can contribute, as his contract ends end of august, which I very worried about and that could well mean disaster is he's unemplyed for a spell.

OberonSH

Personally I would sit him down, explain how you feel, and see if you can build in a beer fund for you both? You say part of the debt is his, I wouldn't feel too bad about taking the help from his family, it would save the interest and maybe give him a boot up the behind, as the debt will be closer to home. Have a chat with his parents and see if they can talk some sense into him. You're doing really well, and I hope you get it all resolved soon.

Katharine

Seeing as he drinks it 3x faster than I do, I think maybe a beer chart on the fridge where you have to cross out a bottle under your name might be more appropriate, tho that sounds rather anal. :rolleyes:

ZTD

Katharine wrote:

He can't build up any debt as he doesn't have the facility to do so due to his low earning/contract job,

He is building up debt.

Katharine wrote:

This month he owes me £120 towards our essential bills

Katharine

Good point! Thats £120 that wont be paid off this month, not so much building debt but delaying it being paid off, but same difference really.

Queenie

In the first instance, please may I just say, I am writing as someone *not* emotionally involved and not with any intention to offend, upset, critisize or in any way hurt you. But, I will give an *honest* opinion, which I hope you take in the way it is meant - objective, without malice and with respect.

You have listed 4 negatives to the whole idea:

First the bad things
1)although apx 10k of the debt is my partners, it is all in my name and it am in charge of the money, so obviously I feel more ownership for it and so feel bad about borrowing from his folks.
2)Secondly I don't think it should 'take the pressure off' ie I dont think we should then spend money on unnessesary things, as although we would save on interest, I should still be paying everything back as soon as possible, snowballing. Which also means them being paid back last, and
3)we havn't exactly been a lucky couple historically, and
4) if we had another bad spell it could well mean bankrupcy and I would obviously hate to not pay them back alot more than banks!

You then go on to say ...

... the only thing I ask of him is that he pays his half of the bills so I can slowly nibble at the debt ... This month he owes me £120 towards our essential bills and twice in the past week hes come home with beer ...his contract ends end of august, which I very worried about and that could well mean disaster is he's unemplyed for a spell.

The positives are:

The only positive really is
1) we would save a fortune in interest.
2)Plus if really the worst happened, and this is a horrible thing to say, if we split at least I would have passed back some of the debt to him (ie he could pay his parents back).

So, weighing up the pro's and con's ... you have listed 4 reasons why it isn't a good idea and only 1 truly positive reason why it would be a good solution. I've disregarded your 2nd, more mercinary, reasoning

Underlying your post, appears to me to be the status quo in the relationship. You have adopted a stricter, more responsible and mature attitude towards your debts and repayment. Yes, this does include sacrificing some of life's immediate 'gratification'/rewards, but with a longer term goal attached.

Conversely, partner, would appear to retain a certain level of immaturity and irresponsibility towards the debts insomuch as:

a) he disregarded your stance of not wanting anyone to know by telling his parents anyway
b) regardless of his income, he is not matching your attitude towards prioritising his spending habits as shown in his beer spending/debt to you for household bills.

Yes, to have his parents bale you both out at this point would be enormously tempting and, as you rightly say, would save you both a huge chunk of interest. But, what would you benefit in *real* terms? When it comes to maturity, responsibility, commitment? Would that truly help your relationship? Or, cover the cracks and distance in attitudes?

What is the motivation behind his parents wanting to "ease the pressure"? Is it to assuage their own sense of guilt/embarassment at their offspring's reckless attitude towards money? Will it alter/help/hinder your partner's attitude when it comes to being more responsible in his spending priorities? Clearly, being in debt hasn't altered it, so how would being baled out by his parents alter it?

The two of *you* need to sit down and work out how you are *both* going to a) take responsibility for *your* debts; b) work out how much time, money and effort you are mutually prepared to put towards working out your own financial/personal relationship problems and c) work out what your goals for the future are, both as individuals and as a couple (and that includes more than just the debt aspect; career/family/social/educational/etc.)

I know it's a very old fashioned thing to say, but, it's very true that when, as a couple, you face adversity and work hard "together" to get through it, it will either make or break you!!

You were both "mature" enough to take on the responsibility of the finances to the point where it became a debt and a burden and a pressure upon your relationship. If you now rely on 'parental rescue' as a quick cure you are falling back into parent/child mode and that will entail a certain level of obligation, guilt and completely alter the relationship between the four of you (you and partner, plus "The Parents" )

I'm assuming that your debt was incurred through "quick fix" purchases? E.g. you needed/wanted something and used a form of loan/credit to get it? As opposed to saving first?
If you accept the parents very generous offer for a "quick fix" solution ... are you simply transferring a physical debt into an emotional one?

The underlying attitude, which caused the debt issues in the first instance, hasn't been learned if a "quick fix" solution is accepted.

In less than a month, your partner's employment becomes unstable ... would you take out a loan, knowing, *knowing*, that in less than a month your finances would alter to such a point of insecurity that you could not guarantee you could make the repayments?

Would you be able to go about your daily life feeling beholden to his parents? How will you feel when you buy/don't buy them something for an occasion because you are indebted to them and now have another pressure of being under their scrutiny for any purchases made or not made?

Personally, I would be saying "thanks, but no thanks" but then I have an old fashioned attitude towards the subject and have seen such offers/deal rip families apart in bitterness, anger, breaking of trust, perceived disrespect etc.

Ultimately, as the debt is in reality a "joint" one, yet on paper very much yours, no one can tell you which way to go on this. But, as the buck stops in your name, I would say, that gives your the majority sharehold on the deciding factors! Trading a debt from one place to another, doesn't make the debt go away ... it simply puts different, and perhaps more subtle, restraints on you.

If your relationship is under strain - that won't go away simply by trading "HSBCorWhoever Debt Inc" to "Parental Debt Inc" - that is a seperate and more fundamental issue that you and your partner have to work on.

Finally, even if your relationship broke down to the point of seperation, his parents could still take you to court to recoup a part of the loan they made on your behalf. Let's be honest, few relationship breakdowns are amicable, and if something like this went through the civil claims court ... well, lets just say, you shouldn't expect your partner to be a model of integrity You could end up not only paying much more of the % of debt, but have costs thrown in on top as well

I wish you well in making your final decision, it's a toughie! Best of British in whichever direction you take.

In_Search_Of_Me

I would just say thank you & accept the offer, esp as the debt is effectively joint but all in your name! As for OH can you agree that he gives you all his money, agree a beer budget from him & when its gone its gone? It sounds at the moment like he doesnt really feel accountable for the debt & is happy for you to have a debt against your name & not his? Skewed logic if you ask me. You need to be careful not to get landed with everything...take his parents up on the offer & breathe a bit easier. If you did split up then he can deal with it with his parents...big hugs, hope you resolve this but agree that you need to sit down & have an open & honest talk...