Looking for advice from fellow MSE users

prunesquallor

For the first time in years, the credit card is finally down to zero. From now on anything spent on it is being paid off the same month so that's where it should be staying. The good thing about this is I can now concentrate on one thing - paying off my family debt.

Some of you might wonder why I'm not covering my personal loan from the bank. That loan is a fixed term loan so I am actually paying £300 a month towards it (just over £50 of that is interest ). But the main reason is the feeling of guilt towards my mother who lent me the money. She's at retirement age now and still working (she's actually happier working than being at home), but at this point I need to be helping parents out - certainly should not be a financial burden.

So I started to pay her back last month and managed to transfer £1000, and if things don't change, I should be able to send the same every month until it's paid off. Does it mean going out very little and cutting back to the minimum spending? Well yes, but I can only counter that with the fact that life will be better when it's over plus the guilt will have been lifted. Perhaps not entirely but noticeably.

Assuming things go to plan, by July 2011 I should only be left with a £7800 bank loan. At that point, I'd like to save 1k a month for 6 months. At 6 months the savings amount would meet the loan amount so I'm hoping to settle the loan there and then. So end of 2011 is the goal. If that does happen it means I would've cleared 30k debt in 2 years which would be great. If it doesn't happen then at least I would be well on my way.

bluenoseam

Sounds like you've got it sorted mate, well played - there's not many people would be able to deal with it so calmly and efficiently!

prunesquallor

bluenoseam wrote: »

there's not many people would be able to deal with it so calmly and efficiently!

Thanks for your comments, much appreciated, but if I'm honest I don't feel so calm inside - especially not at my light bulb moment! At first I was at a panic stage and couldn't stop thinking about debt. What I've found more recently is that, although I'm doing reasonably well in terms of reducing the debt, I can't help but imagine all the things I could have been doing with all that cash. I mean so far I've put 10k+ towards debt and if things had been different that could have been put towards a deposit for a property for example.

I know it's all too easy to say "what if" but I can't really help it. It feels like most of the money I earn now is dead money, which essentially is true. By "dead" I mean any profit I'm making is money I owe elsewhere so it just gets whisked away (deliberately of course). So in that respect I feel like by getting in to debt I've stolen a part of my own life from myself which I'll never get back.

If you've read any of my previous posts, I'm in the final stages of divorce so am essentially single and looking. Or at least I will start looking in the short term future when the dust has settled. But with the debt I kind of see myself as an ineligible bachelor. If a miracle were to happen and I did start seeing some one, I'd have to be honest and tell them about the debt. I'm wondering whether I should wait until I'm debt free before even thinking about dating but then again is it right to put everything else on hold for the debt?

prunesquallor

I have a couple of points for discussion for fellow DFWs. I'm in the final stages of divorce so as such I'm free and single. What's stopping me looking to date again are two things: my debt and the fact that I've had to move back in to my mother's place. The debt means that, although yes I can afford to fork out for a few dates a month, I can't really offer anything else materially. Also, who's going to want to start seeing some one who's living back at the family home?

In around 12 months or whenever the debt's dealt with I'm planning to move out and rent a room for a while until I can afford to buy again. I actually own 30% of a flat under a shared ownership scheme but I've had to leave my place to allow reduced running costs to pay off debt. A lodger is still living there as we speak so that's helping. The main issue with the property is it was over valued at the time I bought it. I bought at 205,000 5 years ago and it's now worth 180,000 at best. I've worked out that selling means I would break even at best... Would you keep it or sell it? At the moment, the lodger's rent of 550 per month pays for around half the costs I fork out for mortgage/rent, bills etc.

So I guess the other main question really is am I right to hold off before thinking of dating again? Another reason for my stepping back is to allow myself to build up some kind of life again, in a sense making myself appealing or marketable. Not sure though, what do people think?

As always, thanks everyone for your input

laisbojar83

prunesquallor wrote: »

I have a couple of points for discussion for fellow DFWs. I'm in the final stages of divorce so as such I'm free and single. What's stopping me looking to date again are two things: my debt and the fact that I've had to move back in to my mother's place. The debt means that, although yes I can afford to fork out for a few dates a month, I can't really offer anything else materially.

Hi prunequallor, first of all I would like to say well done on dealing with all this. You are doing really well and keeping positive.
I have read all your posts and you mentioned several times how much money you sent to your ex-wife while she was living abroad and everything.
I dont think your debt is a reason for you to stop dating. We all make mistakes if whoever you fancy cant accept it so they are not worthy of your attention to start with.
In a relationship you shouldnt really have to offer anything `material`. The other person should like you for what you are and not for what you can offer to them.
So my advice.. go for it. You only live once but let people like YOU not what YOU CAN OFFER.
xxxxx

rainbow81

prunesquallor wrote: »

I have a couple of points for discussion for fellow DFWs. I'm in the final stages of divorce so as such I'm free and single. What's stopping me looking to date again are two things: my debt and the fact that I've had to move back in to my mother's place. The debt means that, although yes I can afford to fork out for a few dates a month, I can't really offer anything else materially. Also, who's going to want to start seeing some one who's living back at the family home?

In around 12 months or whenever the debt's dealt with I'm planning to move out and rent a room for a while until I can afford to buy again. I actually own 30% of a flat under a shared ownership scheme but I've had to leave my place to allow reduced running costs to pay off debt. A lodger is still living there as we speak so that's helping. The main issue with the property is it was over valued at the time I bought it. I bought at 205,000 5 years ago and it's now worth 180,000 at best. I've worked out that selling means I would break even at best... Would you keep it or sell it? At the moment, the lodger's rent of 550 per month pays for around half the costs I fork out for mortgage/rent, bills etc.

So I guess the other main question really is am I right to hold off before thinking of dating again? Another reason for my stepping back is to allow myself to build up some kind of life again, in a sense making myself appealing or marketable. Not sure though, what do people think?

As always, thanks everyone for your input

Hi
I think you sound really nice and there's nothing to stop you going out for a few dates. Who says it has to be anything serious? That takes time anyway and as a woman I would understand your circumstances as long as you are doing something to change them (which you are).

I would be wary of being taken advantage of again but hopefully all the goings on with your wife have taught you a few things about differing expectations.

I say go for it, but maybe don't move in with anyone until you are sure you are on the same team.

There will be loads of nice genuine women out there waiting for someone as considerate as you sound. You mentioned that you feel the debt has stolen part of your life, well, don't let it take a chance to meet someone too.

R x

PS I am no expert but I would say keep the house as you are not starving to pay the mortgage.

prunesquallor

laisbojar83 wrote: »

first of all I would like to say well done on dealing with all this. You are doing really well and keeping positive.

my advice.. go for it. You only live once but let people like YOU not what YOU CAN OFFER. xxxxx

Thanks for your encouragement, it's great to be on the receiving end some times. I think I agree with what you've said so maybe I will start looking again. Although this time I won't be desperate to find something long term, keep it light hearted and if it happens it happens.

rainbow81 wrote: »

Hi
I think you sound really nice and there's nothing to stop you going out for a few dates.

There will be loads of nice genuine women out there waiting for someone as considerate as you sound. You mentioned that you feel the debt has stolen part of your life, well, don't let it take a chance to meet someone too.

PS I am no expert but I would say keep the house as you are not starving to pay the mortgage.

Thanks Rainbow for making some very kind comments. I don't doubt that there are plenty of genuine women out there including yourself. It's good to know that people like you would understand my situation.

Yeah, perhaps I should hold on to the flat. In any case I don't think its value will change much unless there's another crash which is turning out to be less likely now.

Yet another question......

If I were to end up going out on a few dates, what would you advise about actually breaking the news of my financial situation? I mean I'd like to keep things open and honest but I'm guessing there's no need to mention it until it's definitely turning in to a relationship?

Watalie

prunesquallor wrote: »

Yet another question......

If I were to end up going out on a few dates, what would you advise about actually breaking the news of my financial situation? I mean I'd like to keep things open and honest but I'm guessing there's no need to mention it until it's definitely turning in to a relationship?

Prune - First, fantastic well done on your achievement so far! :T

As regards dating, I'd leave it until you were sure the dates were turning into a "relationship" - as has been said above, if a girl can't handle the issue then she probably wasn't worth your time anyway.

I'm going to hazzard a guess that you are mid thirties or early forties, so whoever you go to date will likely be similar age & have baggage of some kind, just so happens yours is financial and it's not forever!

Personally I'd rather have a relationship with someone who had their head screwed on about finances than one with his head in the sand.

laisbojar83

Hi Prune.. as Wat said.. just leave it until its turning serious. If its only casual dating, there is no need to share such things anyway. Just try and enjoy yourself, it seems like you have had some rough times and really deserve to be happy, have fun and enjoy life.

xxxx

msgnomey

Well done on how far you have come, and I wish you well for the future, you sound like you have your head screwed on mate!!