Looking for advice from fellow MSE users

bargainbetty

Hello,

It is nice that you want to respect her culture by paying her way, but maybe she needs to understand that you are not a cash-cow. Her duty is not just to her biological family, she has to consider you as her family too now, and work for what is best for you both.

I would ask her to pay a set amount per month to the household costs, and tell her that once her phone tariff is used up, she has to settle it in full herself. There are plenty of deals she can take advantage of, instead of you.

Taking care of the finances is one thing - subsidising her and her family without question is another. You have made a very large commitment to her welfare, surely asking for a couple of hundred per month towards the bills isn't unreasonable? If she resents really paying her own way, I'm sorry, but I would have to question her attitude to the marriage and what she is seeking from it. Personally, unless I was staying at home to look after kids in agreement with my partner, I would never expect a man to look after me financially, and would always pay for myself.

Good luck x

prunesquallor

bargainbetty wrote: »

Her duty is not just to her biological family, she has to consider you as her family too now, and work for what is best for you both.

If she resents really paying her own way, I'm sorry, but I would have to question her attitude to the marriage and what she is seeking from it.

Thanks for your comments, I agree with you really. It seems strange that she's more willing to send money back to her family and put them first before us. I began to question her attitude since my LBM and you're right she should be pulling her weight. I only wish she would take at least a bit of responsibility. Ultimately, I get the impression she wants a rich guy to sweep her off her feet. But that's not going to happen with me, even after I've paid my debts.

Two other things have come up since my last post. Her part of the mobile bill for last month ran to 80 pounds (mine was 20)... All because she ran over her monthly allowance which is 600 minutes. I do check the account regularly to make sure nothing's exceeded but this happened in the last couple of days of the month so I missed it. Not impressed at all, so I definitely will be moving her mobile number to a separate account asap which she can then take care of. Second thing is, she's going on holiday for 2 weeks, apparently paid for by her brother in law who's quite a high earner. I have no issue with her taking a holiday as I've already said that I can't travel until the debt's gone. But something about it just doesn't sit right with me, although I can't put my finger on it.

prunesquallor

I have a question about my RBS credit card. Once it's paid off this June/July what I'd like to then do is use it for our monthly food shop but then pay off the entire balance every month. So essentially treat it like a charge card. Now for piece of mind, once settled, I'd like to reduce the credit limit to the minimum 500. Reason being, I don't want to risk falling in to thousands of pounds of debt again. Is this a good idea or should I leave the limit as is? The APR on it is 12.9% (it's currently 0% for balance transfers as long as I don't spend anything on it yet). I may be able to get a better rate, but before I started paying back debt last year I was starting to struggle in that if I applied for a card the rate would usually be fairly high or the application would be denied. So right now, I'd feel better sticking to one card really.

RAS

Hi

I think you really do need to start talking to your sife about her making a contribution to your joint expenditure.

At the very least £250 per month would contribute 20% of the essential joint expenditure and is the minimum I would even consider.

Ames

If her brother in law can afford to take her on holiday then he can afford to support the family instead of her. I'm sorry, but her priority has to be her own life, and while you're in debt that's being affected.

I haven't got a clue about the card, sorry! Do you have other cards? You could try and get another balance transfer deal with them.

prunesquallor

RAS wrote: »

I think you really do need to start talking to your wife about her making a contribution to your joint expenditure.
At the very least £250 per month would contribute 20% of the essential joint expenditure and is the minimum I would even consider.

I agree, she should take on some responsibility. But I guess I blame myself for not having the self control to avoid over spending in the first place. Most of the debt was down to sending her money so I would have hoped that she would take that in to account.

Ames wrote: »

If her brother in law can afford to take her on holiday then he can afford to support the family instead of her.
Do you have other cards? You could try and get another balance transfer deal with them.

Again, I agree with you too. To be honest I don't see why I should have to support her family at all (which is what I used to contribute to). Even without the debt.

No other cards, I deliberately got rid and transferred everything on to the current one so I could enjoy the 0% rate while I pay it off (see signature).

prunesquallor

Excluding debts, I'd like some input from the wonderful and wise world that is this forum. This is a list of my standing orders and direct debits, except for a loan dd and mobile phone dd. Am I missing a trick? Is there somewhere I can be saving money to redirect towards debt payments?

TV Licence £12.12
Mortgage - Santander £307.23
Broadband - BE £17.88
Contents Insurance - £12.95
GAS - Southern Electric £20.00
Phone - " £24.00
Electricity - " £48.00
Rent - housing association £510.00
Council tax - £123.75
Water - Veolia £36.00

As ever, Thanks everyone

DVardysShadow

prunesquallor wrote: »

... I began to question her attitude since my LBM and you're right she should be pulling her weight. I only wish she would take at least a bit of responsibility. Ultimately, I get the impression she wants a rich guy to sweep her off her feet. But that's not going to happen with me, even after I've paid my debts.

Two other things have come up since my last post. .... Second thing is, she's going on holiday for 2 weeks, apparently paid for by her brother in law who's quite a high earner. I have no issue with her taking a holiday as I've already said that I can't travel until the debt's gone. But something about it just doesn't sit right with me, although I can't put my finger on it.

... Interesting

RAS wrote: »

Hi

I think you really do need to start talking to your wife about her making a contribution to your joint expenditure.

At the very least £250 per month would contribute 20% of the essential joint expenditure and is the minimum I would even consider.

Agree, although if there are sleeping dogs, this may wake them up.

katsu

Sorry for not replying earlier. I find Rebtel amazing quality for the money - some occasional bad line or drop outs but more than good enough to chat for hours and hours. If I get a bad line I hangup and redial and the new connection is generally fine.

prunesquallor

katsu wrote: »

I find Rebtel amazing quality for the money - some occasional bad line or drop outs but more than good enough to chat for hours and hours.

Thanks for this

DVardysShadow wrote: »

...

RAS wrote: »

At the very least £250 per month would contribute 20% of the essential joint expenditure.

Agree, although if there are sleeping dogs, this may wake them up.

Hi DVardysShadow, Do you mean to say that if I did ask her to contribute she may not respond kindly? Thing is she did initially have it in mind to help with bills but in the end I just said use your salary as you please but don't expect me to buy you anything. In the end her view turned in to it being absolutely fair that she should have her salary to herself. Go figure