Debt Dropping the Elfen way!

elfen

S - grapes
D - steak with sweetcorn and green beans....nomnomnom

I now have a special plate for me to use....its blue and funky

elfen

Another boring post.

I've been feeling a lot better today. I think it's cos I've mainly been eating fruit so I've been feeling nice and full. Think tomorrow I'll change lunch to celery and carrot, but pop an apple on there too and I'll be nice and full. Only just starting to get tummy rumbles but that's OK, I had a few grapes and it sorted that out. May just try this for a few days.

Also, I've got a TON of uni books I need to get for next year. Have looked on Amazon and they're pretty cheap but have nowhere to store them. Am thinking of getting a DVD tower and using that (one with shelves) Would probably be cheaper too...

elfen

Another missive from me....

IB went in this morning, so rent was paid, Velma (Vanquis) got a payment and £3.66 went into my savings pot.

Went to the gym and did an hour there, feeling a bit better but pretty cold now the sun's gone in and it's gone all overcast like it'll rain. I do hope not, me and Pint are meant to be going to watch Iron Man 2 tonight...

Diet is going OK, I guess, time to pop the food diary on...
B - rice krispies
S - banana
L - -
S - cashew nuts
D - chicken korma (It's too cold for salad)

Possibly some popcorn later, but I'll see how I feel.

Have also achieved an NSD today, that makes 3 now....I'm not paying for the cinema later so that's good, I got the Orange Wednesday thing.

Have also been revising...now done German Expressionism and am part-way through the Avant Garde. I've managed to keep to a page a section, that's with quotes and important information, and pointers at the bottom for important films...Avant Garde is a bit harder, as there's two different sections and it's still going today..

elfen

Decided to stop revising for a little bit and enjoy watching a film. Have put Gladiator on as when it finishes I'll be able to start dinner (chicken korma with mushrooms and the rest of some boiled new pots, rice for Pint but not for me)

Been having a think about my life....yeah things aren't going how I want right now....but hopefully in two years time when I have my degree itll be better.

Here's hoping hey?

elfen

Today...not so good.

No motivation to do anything so I didn't go to the gym. Didn't o much really, just walked around, got bored and came home. I took my library books back so that helped, and am eating lunch (last of the korma from last night)

Food diary:
B - rice krispies
S - 1/2 apple
L - 1/2 popadom, 1/2 portion chicken korma

elfen

This is mine, so I'll take my time on it...

Food diary
B - rice krispies
S - apple
L - -
S - -
D - 1/2 jacket with beans
S - apple

Not bee na good day, I'm just feeling like I can't cope. I can't keep up with uni and outside uni and worrying about Pint and worrying about myself. I don't know if I can trust me, I don't know if I can trust him, my head is all up in the air and there feels like there's nothing I can do about it, even though I want to....but I can't....Just feels like I'm getting more and more desperate to try and stop things getting worse.

I'm sat at my parents as I've gone home for the weekend. I'm on the verge of texting Pint and asking if he's done any coke today, but if he has....it means I'm moving out, I'm leaving him as I do NOT want to be around that and he knows it....Do I do it?

elfen

Bursary went in today...moved half of it over to the savings....feels good to do that...savings are now enough to see me through the summer and my two holidays.

Feeling a little better, just a bit worried and concerned about myself. I know I can't trust Pint 100% right now, and he knows it, but he's starting to change, and I believe he can do it, I'm going to give him a chance...unless he does coke....then I'm gone next day and HE knows it....I'm still worrying about me, about Pint, about uni, about my exam, about myself....but there's not much I can do...I'm starting to think it through in my head and it seems to be working...I think....Help

Went to Canterbury with my parents, bought my mum two books and paid bus fares and lunch for them both too. Also got some little bits for the dog and some bits for me (hoodie, tee shirt, 2 dvds and a copy of The Hobbit) and I feel a tad better for being home and seeing my mum and dad and spending time with my family...I just owrry about Pint...I do love him, truly I do, but I just worry

redsquirrel80

Hey Mrs, didn't realise you had a diary. It's good that you and Pint have been talking about things, he knows what the deal is, I just hope he realises what a good thing he has x

elfen

red, me and my diary keep hiding *blushes*

Forgot my food diary....

B - corn flakes
S - nutrigrain thing as all I could get
L - bit of apple
S -
D - bacon omelette

elfen

Ok, dinner was 1/4 of an omelette and 1/2 portion of chips.....I need to control myself more....

This is becoming more of an outlet for me, so I'm sorry for everyone who reads this and has to deal with my outpourings every day. I envy you all for reading this, you must read and think "she's a boring cow" or "she's a schizo!"

Today, bit of a better day. Was really nice getting to spend time with my mum and dad, I don't realise how much I miss them when I'm not here. I try to speak to them every week but sometimes it's hard.

There's been a lot of things floating around in my head, and I kinda need to address them, or at least get some of the reasoninng down whilst I'm thinking of it. So, here goes:

Pint - I worry about him. Constantly. I worry if he's drinking too much, if he's eating, if he's sleeping (I'm not there right now) If he's doing anything he shouldn't be. I know he wouldn't cheat on me, mainly as he knows it'd rip me to bits (and I don't think he realises how much of a sweetheart he is - and how many women would envy that) I do love him, with all my heart, and I can see a future for us now he's willing to address his main problem - the alcohol. He cried when I said to him how much he's drinking is worrying me, and he's promised to change - and he has. He barely drank in the week or the weekend, yes he's drinking now but I know he won't for most of the weekend. I do worry, as he has some very attractive mates and I keep thinking "What if they offer him something I can't give him?" I know he's proud of me for being at and going to uni, but I don't think I'm good enough for him.

Me - I know right now I'm not in a very good place. I know the bulimia has more control of me than I do of it, and it's worrying, not just me but Pint too and I shouldn't do that to him. But it helps, it stops the hollow empty place consuming me and stops the people in my head and outside of my head asking too much of me. I hate people staring at me or watching me, and it's not cos I'm attractive, it's cos they know how damaged I am and how if they did it too, they'd feel better for hurting me. All I deserve is to be hurt.