boyfriends parents advice/ vent - long post

gorgeouslatinrose

Can you move back home for a while? If not I would tell your boyfriend you are moving, and if he refuses move anyway. But before hand tell him why, as to be fair he needs to have a stronger understanding on what is going on. Have you got any friends you can stay with?

Person_one

I don't understand why your boyfriend wants you to pay them back the money spent renovating the house. Are they giving him the house? Are the renovations benefitting you in any way? Surely they are doing it for their own sake to increase the value of the house when they come to sell it. Why do you owe them any of it?

[Deleted User]

Well at the moment I am still at my Dad's. My Dad says I am very welcome to stay for as long as I want, I am certainly in no hurry to move back to a cold house.
We are not getting anything from the renovated house apart from we can live there. His parents have paid £3000 for the new flat roof on the kitchen, guttering and pointing and buy all the supplies needed for the work we are doing ourselves. But they make us feel like they are going out of their way to do all this work even though they needed to do it anyway or the council would do it themselves even if we were not there.
My boyfriend has been looking for admin jobs as well as web developer roles and I did suggest bar or shop work to him but he has not acted on this. I will have to have another word I guess. I don't want us to split at all but I think changes need to be made. I am going over there now to do some painting and papering, his parents won't be there so I have been told. I hope they don't turn up randomly though. I will see how things go, but for the mean while I am not moving back until things improve.

emma12345

Sorry but why exactly are you doing this papering and painting for nothing?

They are offering accommodation true, but the house is inhabitable so that's worth nothing. If you weren't there they wouldn't be able to get any other tenants legally or free labour. Sounds to me like you owe them nothing but maybe I'm missing something.

RadoJo

A house without heating, whilst not necessarily cosy, is not uninhabitable and if you need somewhere to live, then a house without heating is preferable to nowhere, so they have done you a favour to some extent. Given that neither of you are working, I don't think it's unreasonable of them to ask you to do some work on the house in order to bring it back up to a standard where they can rent it out, but I would have thought that would be not only an informal arrangement between a son and his parents, and also in lieu of rent, so I'm a bit confused as to why your boyfriend thinks you are racking up rent debts with them? Of course, none of this excuses rudeness on their part, and this is clearly what needs addressing.

It sounds as though you and your OH need to have a talk about what he thinks you are committed to with his parents with regards to work and rent and see if you think this is reasonable. If not then tell him that you think you're being expected too much of, and see if you can come to an agreement about what you would both be happy with. Then you can speak to his parents together - I think it's key that you present a united front, because it's obvious that left to himself, he would carry on as you are, but that's no reason why you should be left confronting his parents on your own.
If you and your OH can agree on what's reasonable, then making the next move should be a little less daunting - good luck.

elyk

Sounds horrifically complicated. I empathise profusely. Having worked with family and been financially involved with them before - I myself believe it best to keep financial and personal relationships as seperate as possible. If you can get out of it without causing hurt and losing your boyfreind - do so. Think about the option carefully at least.

emma12345

RadoJo wrote: »

A house without heating, whilst not necessarily cosy, is not uninhabitable and if you need somewhere to live, then a house without heating is preferable to nowhere, ...

OP mentioned that the council were doing an inspection and that the house was unlikely to pass because of gas problems. This means that they couldn't let it to tenants (paid or otherwise) therefore it is uninhabitable for anyone other than the owners and perhaps relatives.

It may be that the OP considers herself as a relative and that is an entirely different matter but otherwise she doesn't really owe them anything I feel.

belfastgirl23

Well first things first, is this a longer term problem or is it just about the house? How were the family with you before you moved into the house? And how were they with your boyfriend?

Part of me feels that your ILs have gotten themselves in waaay over their heads in buying this property. They've watched property ladder etc and thought 'I could do that' and are now sitting with (at a guess) negative equity and a house that they don't have the first idea what to do with. In which case their attitude is largely based on fear - understandably - and you are unfortunately the patsy sitting in the firing line for all of these negative emotions.

The other possiblity is that they are just horrible and interfering people.

If I were you I'd want to get to the bottom of why they are behaving as they are. As you say, you are grateful for the roof over your head but that does not give them the right to treat you as unpaid labour. In your shoes my starting point would be your BF and telling him how much this has upset you. You don't have to force him to choose anything but just make him aware that you aren't willing to go on like this any more.

I have a feeling though that he has a more active role in all of this than you are admitting. Where was he when his mum was giving you the dressing down? How are his parents communicating with you now (is it via him)? Does he feel it's ok for his parents to tell him (and you) what to do?

I wouldn't be moving back anytime soon either...

euronorris

RadoJo wrote: »

Given that neither of you are working, I don't think it's unreasonable of them to ask you to do some work on the house in order to bring it back up to a standard where they can rent it out.

Some of the work is fine, but I get the impression this is a lot more than that. Particularly if you compare rent payments to what they would receive in payment for doing this work (if they worked for a painter/decorator/builder).

I'm willing to bet that the hourly rate they would get, for the number of hours they have put in, would easily far exceed the average monthly rent for a property of that size.

OP - I have no idea why your bf thinks he needs to repay them for renovations? Renovations are there responsibility and theirs alone.

Yes, they offered you somewhere to live, but you have already been paying for it in manual labour. IMO, you owe them nothing more than this. If they don't like it, tough.

As for your BF.......well, he needs to be the one who sticks up for you. You can, of course, assert yourself, but I doubt they'd listen. It would be better coming from your BF. And, tbh, harsh as this sounds, he should be doing this WITHOUT prompting from you (or anyone else).

If he can't or won't, then this would be a serious problem for me. How badly exactly, do they have to act towards you before he will step in? When you're packing your bags and leaving in frustration and resentment? Or perhaps when his Mother is screaming in your face? Or worse, slaps you?

I know the slap part sounds a bit extreme, but it can happen, particularly if they continue with their current behaviour unchallenged.

I think you and your bf need to have a sit down and seriously chat about all this. Let him know your expectations, and found out his, and his parents. Then you can see if there is a path forward that will suit everyone.

xx

Primrose

It rather seems to me that you're in a losing situation here because either your boyfriend is sufficiently committed to you to stand up for you and negotiate with his parents that they're being unreasonable or he's not.

I think he needs to agree with them exactly what is expected of you. As a couple you were offered the opportunity (so you thought) to live there rent free Now you're saying " To top it off he refuses to move until we have paid them enough rent to cover what they have put into the property. So far we're stuck for a year after the renovations have finished."

So would you have moved in, in the first place if you'd realised that you were going to be asked to pay for the rennovations retrospectively? I suspect not. You wouldn't have agreed such a deal with any other private landlord, would you?

I fear you you are onto a loser here. Either your boyfriend accepts you are now a couple and you start living and behaving like one, and leave his parents to get on with their own property development and take responsibility for their own affairs, or you stay permanently hooked up with these potential in-laws from hell.

It sounds to me as if you've been working jolly hard to get your finances in order and deliver your share of the bargain, and that your efforts have not, and probably never will be appreciated. Pack your bags and go back to live with your Dad if that's still an option. It will give you the chance to discover whether you boyfriend is a man or a bit of a wimp.

Getting involved business-wise with family and relatives is usually a recipe for disaster. It rarely works out and results in lasting relationship damage.