boyfriends parents advice/ vent - long post

iamana1ias

drinkupretty wrote: »

he is very good to me and is trying very hard to get a job but has had very little luck. He's in web development and few companies seem to be hiring at the moment. This is just a difficult situation at the moment.

Can he not pull pints or stock supermarket shelves in the meantime then?

neneromanova

drinkupretty wrote: »

is trying very hard to get a job but has had very little luck. He's in web development and few companies seem to be hiring at the moment. This is just a difficult situation at the moment.

This guy sounds like a loser to me from what you have said. My OH would stand up for me if his parents talked to me like that (plus I wouldn't stand for it )

Also on the job front there a many web development jobs around. I have an email that comes to me ever day with at least 3 new developer jobs. has he tried http://www.cwjobs.co.uk. Failing that, what's wrong with working in a coffee shop or doing some cleaning or pulling pints? It's money at the end of the day isn't it.

I think you need to have a serious talk with your OH and find out who he is going to side with as at the end of the day this is what he needs to do. Take your stuff from the house and say until he decides you can't be around him.

Ivrytwr3

Tell your BOYFRIEND'S parents to "!!!! OFF", tell your boyfriend to man up and grow a pair and move back into your parents house where you will be given the respect and love you deserve.

Leaving the parents in the mess they have dug for themselves and you're boyfriend seriously thinking he should be more protective of his girlfriend.

Don't forget to flick your hair over your shoulder and give them a wink as you slam the front door for the last time.

Lotus-eater

drinkupretty wrote: »

To top it off he refuses to move until we have paid them enough rent to cover what they have put into the property. So far we're stuck for a year after the renovations have finished. Not sure when this will be as apparently they can't afford to do much else to the place. In the mean time we have been living in the bed room without heating.

I can't see what this has to do with you. Why don't you both just move out to another place, or is the rent where you are so cheap that you want to stay there?
You need to tell him you are a couple now, he's not a little boy still living with his family, but it does sound like he has an overbearing family, either put up with it, or tell him it is making you miserable and you aren't going to live like that.
His Mum screaming at you isn't acceptable, sounds like she's a bit of a bully to me. That needs to be stopped now, otherwise she will think it's fine to carry on like that.

paddy's_mum

Your biggest problem is not the parents, nor the renovations, nor the upcoming Council inspection.

Your biggest problem is that you won't tell your boyfriend/partner how upset and pushed out you feel because it "wouldn't be fair"! Really? What's unfair about it? Are you in this together or are you just the woman that makes his cuppa and washes the kitchen floor now and then?

You say that you don't want him "caught in the middle". Lady, he's already in the middle of it, whether the two of you choose to remain together or if you decide to separate.

Stop treating him like a three year old child who hasn't yet grown enough to understand his abc's. Get some plain speaking done so that you have the information you need to decide whether this is a lifetime's relationship - where you pull together - or just one that'll do for now.

paddy's_mum

It occurs to me to wonder whether the barely veiled hostility and resentment is a lot to do with them feeling that you are not pulling your weight - don't get offended just yet, read on!

There is an undertone of surprise in much of what you say about the house, the extent of the renovations and now your boyfriend's statement that you must remain, putting in your own money, until the renovation is paid for.

When the house was offered, and you accepted, was it made clear to you just what you were expected to do and for how long or was there a hidden agenda of which you have inadvertently fallen foul? If both of you are/were out of work, were you expected to work full time on the property and if so, who was to fund the materials or tools needed?

Sounds to me like a whole lot of stuff was assumed and never properly explained and you're carrying the can. Somewhere along the line, unless you decide that you're willing to adopt the role of official family doormat, the boyfriend is going to have to choose ... nothing you do can alter that since even if you leave, he is going to have to decide whether to pursue you and try to heal the rift or take his parents side.

I think Kay Peel spoke a lot of sense in her earlier post and that you would be wise to think on the points she has raised before deciding which way to jump. I can tell you that resentment, as others have already said, is a death knell to relationships. Good luck.

SugarSpun

It seems to me that you and your boyfriend's parents are letting him ride free of responsibility for his current situation and so he has a vested interest in not rocking the boat and upsetting his parents by standing up for you.

If you wouldn't take this sort of treatment from any other landlords don't take it from them. In your position I'd cut my losses and move on before an accident happens and you end up with a child in an unheated damp house that the landlords CBA to repair. I know it's easy to say "move on" and you still love your boyfriend, but he's allowing his parents to treat you like a skivvy and sees no problem with it. That doesn't show love in return.

ninky_2

what nightmare "in laws"! you need to put your foot down before this goes any further.

i can't believe they would consider putting their own child, let alone anyone else, in a house that is not fit to live in. the fact they are so stressed out suggests they know the house will not pass the inspection. which means they should not be letting anyone live in it. whether rent free or not is not the issue. they have hardly been doing you a favour as they would not have been able to get proper rent paying tenants in during this time.

you are an adult and they need to treat you as such. please stand up to them in future - without losing your temper. it is reasonable to put your point of view across. if they don't listen then just calmly keep repeating your point of view. reading some books on assertiveness might help.

RAS

drinkupretty wrote: »

To top it off he refuses to move until we have paid them enough rent to cover what they have put into the property. So far we're stuck for a year after the renovations have finished.

So you are NOT getting rent-free accomodation at all. Just you are being allowed to defer the rent.

If your BF's parents have accepted any money from you by way of rent, I am not surprised the Council are interested. Your Bf's parents are breaking the law if there is no gas certificate and if the house is other than fhabitable.

To make matters worse, if you had a proper rental arrangment, you could get housing benefit.

savingmummy

I would not put up with being treated like that! And if my DH didnt step in or find more appropriate housing then i would move to dads.

Your OH needs to step in here and sort it out or dont he care?
I have had fallings out with my DH`s mother andnot once has he stood back from it - his parents his problem not yours!