boyfriends parents advice/ vent - long post

[Deleted User]

I have been with my boyfriend for getting on for 3 years now. We had to move from our previous house last May as the landlord was selling up. My boyfriend had been unemployed for a while and I had been in university so we couldn't really afford a place with fee's, deposit and rent up front. His parents have a second property and offered to let us live there rent free while they renovated if we help then we can rent from them when it is complete. I am very grateful for this as we have a place and I really do not want anyone to think that I sound ungrateful.

Everything seemed fine until a few months back. They come over to do jobs on the house when they have free time, but seldom give notice so often just turn up. This does not bother me but I have to mention as this is relevant to this. A few months back I was working early shifts and had to be up at 5am. His parents came round late in the evening one night and when it got to 1am I was dead on my feet and had to go to bed. There was nothing for me to do as they were plastering and I know nothing about plastering. I had offered my assistance but they said they were fine.

When I did go to bed, they complained bitterly so I could hear them, despite the fact that they said there was nothing I could help them with. They complained at the state of downstairs. Now the downstairs rooms are bare, nothing in them at all, not wall paper furnishings, floorings, nothing. There is nothing there to tidy or clean! The kitchen is the only usable room there and I always keep a clean, tidy kitchen and that day was no exception. My boyfriends Mum yelled at me about it, not my boyfriend, like she was telling off a child! She reduced me to tears (although I waited until out of site, didn't want to give the satisfaction). Even my own family would never dream of speaking to me like that, they have the courtesy of speaking to me like an adult. I tried to have a polite word with her about it after but she really could not see why I was upset.

My job finished and we have had awful trouble with JSA and lack of payments, so I moved back to my Dad's temporarily to make things easier financially. They have complained bitterly about this. Even though with the money I have managed to scrimp and save I have managed to pay off most of what we owed in bills, accumulated in the time we were waiting for our benefits to come through. I am still contributing towards the house. His Mum is a manager of a charity and I have been listing charity items on ebay for her as she is too busy to do it herself. This too is not good enough, his Dad reckons I should be able to raise £400 a month from doing this! Even though most of the stuff I have been given to sell is cheap, outdated tat. Even selling my own stuff after having a huge clear out, I only made just over £100 and most of the stuff of my own I was selling were new clothes with the tags still attached!

A few days ago, they received a letter from the council (we also received a copy) that said a representative of the council would be coming round to do an inspection under the housing act to see whether the conditions are safe enough to have tenants in (rent paying or not). So after 3 months of no renovations being done, they are now in a panic that the council will see that the house has a serious damp problem, gas appliances in a dubious condition and that there is no heating (boiler is broken). If the council is not satisfied that they are doing all the work in a timely manner then they have threatened to do it for them, charge them for it and also fine them. They had a warning after a previous inspection back in June. They have demanded I come back for a week to help then renovate. I would help no problem but I would prefer to be asked politely rather than them demand.

I am dreading it because I know I will be made to feel very uncomfortable when I am there. I have tried speaking to them, helping them and yet I am still made to feel like I am not good enough. I can't really say anything to my boyfriend because it would not be fair but I am very tempted just to move all my stuff out and stay at my Dad's for the foreseeable but again that would not be fair on my boyfriend and may cause our relationship to suffer. I feel that I cant win!

daska

I have to ask, what has your boyfriend been up to while all this is going on? Why has he not stepped in to protect you from them?

[Deleted User]

daska wrote: »

I have to ask, what has your boyfriend been up to while all this is going on? Why has he not stepped in to protect you from them?

He hasn't because he says they have been good enough to let us stay and he doesn't want to cause more arguments. I get why he isn't stepping in, he doesn't want to have to choose sides between his parents and me. I try not to let on how unhappy I am with the situation to him because he is just going to end up caught in the middle of it all. To top it off he refuses to move until we have paid them enough rent to cover what they have put into the property. So far we're stuck for a year after the renovations have finished. Not sure when this will be as apparently they can't afford to do much else to the place. In the mean time we have been living in the bed room without heating.

daska

Well that's fine for him, he's not having the arguments. Is he taking any responsibility for anything? As far as I can tell from your posts he's not working, he's not helping financially and he's leaving you stranded emotionally. Does he have any good points?

[Deleted User]

daska wrote: »

Well that's fine for him, he's not having the arguments. Is he taking any responsibility for anything? As far as I can tell from your posts he's not working, he's not helping financially and he's leaving you stranded emotionally. Does he have any good points?

He's not working at the moment but neither am I, my job finished in November and I haven't found anything since. He pays the electricity, we are on a meter though and some of the money I have used for bills have been from our joint benefits. All this is making him sound bad and he really isn't, he is very good to me and is trying very hard to get a job but has had very little luck. He's in web development and few companies seem to be hiring at the moment. This is just a difficult situation at the moment.

debjam

I don't think you are being ungrateful in what you have said. They offered you the place knowing that they would probably be getting free labour.

I do think your boyfriend needs to "ask" his parents not to speak to you in that manner though. My ex MIL used to treat me like I was a nobody (I never found out why) but my ex OH couldn't see that she was doing anything wrong. But my mom pointed out that she also treated him in a similar manner, but his brother and SIL could do no wrong. Did she ever come round your previous homes and "have a go" about any mess?

Don't know what else to say except keep your chin up and just smile sweetly the next time they start whilst thinking "go away and leave me alone" or words to that effect. Oh and give your boyfriend a kick up the backside cause he does need to do something or your relationship will suffer because you may start to resent the fact that he will not help you when you have a problem and need support.

[Deleted User]

She never came to our previous house (the only one we have lived together in). We shared with 3 of my uni friends, and as a student house admittedly it could be untidy but never dirty. ie notes and books strewn round the place at times but never unhygienic. Living in their property is the only time they have taken such an interest in anything to do with me. Before this I had only met them twice. My boyfriend only normally goes home for Christmas and his younger brother and sisters birthday, his parents live a bit of a distance away but are still in the same county.

cameron1

Hi

I presume the fact your still with the guy despite his parents behaviour means you intend to have a future with him. Possibly children, a marriage, a mortgage?

From personal experience i can tell you that if you dont put your foot down and address the issue it will only get worse and they will end up dictating all areas of your life. There's nothing worse than MIL undermining you in front of your own kids!

The fact is whilst you dont want to put you BF in a difficult situation, if this carries on you will end up resenting him for not having a little back bone and the relationship will end anyway with you despising him. Your not asking him to be rude to them or fall out with them. You simply want him to explain to them that it is not acceptable to speak to you and treat you like your a door mat.

Dont be dictated to, and if your in the right then stand your ground. This does not mean you have to be rude. Just assertive. Theres a big difference. If they continue to be rude and their expectations of you are unreasonable then i would move back home. If your BF does not understand this and it causes problems you will have to cross that bridge. If things carry on as they are, like i said, the relationship will end anyway with you feeling very bitter.

You just need to have confidence in the knowledge that they are being unreasonable, and your not over reacting orbeing too sensitive. And if my partner stood by and watched this happen to me, i would be asking some serious questions about his commitment to me.

Kay_Peel

Let's forget for the moment that they are parents of your BF and let's just think of them as Landlords, for the time being.

They received a warning back in June about the state of the property and were given plenty of time to put their house in order. Although it sounds like the property is uninhabitable or, at the very least, a house with serious and dangerous defects (like the gas appliances) they have put two desperate people into the property, rent-free. That couple have paid the bills - although have fallen into arrears - and it's always better to have an occupied house rather than a vacant one when you go through a severe winter like we've just had.

The Landlords expect the couple to remain in the property and pay rent to cover the cost of renovations - they also expect the couple to labour and help with the renovations.

The Son of the landlord may find this acceptable (it may be his inheritance and he has a stake in it!) but I can't see how any other tenant would put up with this arrangement. If the son was sharing the house with a couple of friends, rather than his girl-friend, would the parents make the same demands for unpaid labour? Would he allow his parents to speak to them in the way they speak to his girl-friend? No, of course not.

Without you in the house, the Parents would have struggled to supervise the property during the cold weather months. You used it, aired it and heated it as best as you could - I bet it ate up a lot of your cash. Personally, I would have DIED in an unheated, damp property in December and January.

I think you are being mis-used and exploited. I would move out and not look back.

k.o.d

Sorry, but your boyfriend has very little spine, if my parents spoke to MrsK like that, they would get both barrels, whether they are doing you a favour or not, manners and politeness cost nothing and go a long way.

They, as landlords, are at fault, personally I would let them be hung by their own petards on this one, they have been unneccessarily nasty to you but still demand your help?? 'Kem

esmf73

Difficult one - except to say that if your BF isn't standing up for you now and letting his parents know that it is not acceptable to speak to you like that then he isn't going to do it in the future. This WILL cause resentment and frustration which will in turn eventually lead you to asking yourself why you stay with him.

Either speak to your boyfriend, tell him how important this is to you and how they make you feel - telling him to do something about it; or leave him and his parents to it. Sounds like they've had plenty of warnings from the council and might just be looking for a scapegoat. They're the landlords - their problem.