Ex-wife refusing access to my daughter

beckett110

Well the visit went ok, when I got there her bf went out with the 2 kids which left me with my daughter and ex. It was very awkward but she was as nice as she could possibly be really, I didnt talk to her too much as I was concentrating on spending time with my daughter. As soon as I got there it was obvious that she had missed me a lot as she came over straight away and hugged me and didnt leave me for some time, I hope my ex saw that and realised the effect it is having on my daughter. Nothing was mentioned about my gf or what was supposedly said as I didnt want to start an argument in front of my daughter.

The house was really tidy, my daughter is still sharing a bedroom with her brother who is 5/6 (I cant remember exactly) although my ex mentioned that she was getting her own room soon when she could get a bed settee as they only have a 2 bedroomed house. She has her own bed and toys. My daughter doesnt really seem to get on with her step dad as when he was leaving I had to prompt her to give him a kiss as he was leaving but it has always been like that. She seemed more chatty at her mums but I suppose that is natural as she lives there.

The only I did pick up on was my ex saying that my daughter had been told off the other day when she wet her knickers whilst sat on the settee. This wouldnt be my method of dealing with it but theres not a lot I can do about it really although it seems harsh when she is still so young.

I know for certain that my gf has not slapped my daughter as I was with them both at all times on the day in question, the only thing that my gf said that could have upset my daughter is when she told her to stop picking her nose. It probably sounds like I am just defending my gf but this isnt the case, I wouldnt have a problem with her disciplining her but she never needs telling off as she is always well behaved.

I have realised that whatever happens I need to pay my daughter more attention when I do see her as maybe she feels pushed out by my gf so I will see if this has an effect when I do eventually get contact sorted at my house.

tandraig

I realise that the situation is a bit strained - but beckett - why did you prompt your daughter to give stepdad a kiss goodbye? you may do this in your family - but your daughter was uncomfortable with it from what you said?
I think though that the visit was successful - for a first visit! no fists flew no rows and your daughter saw her dad!
you have certainly strengthened your own case - you have done what needed to be done to see your daughter. keep doing it hun is my advice. and the bottom line is - your daughter needs you - she is only a baby - its down to you as an adult to make sure you keep contact. no matter how you feel about your ex.

Savvy_Sue

tandraig wrote: »

it worries me that she said her step dad slaps her for having accidents in her panties - most step-dads would be very reluctant to do this - because social services would certainly frown on that.........if its true. but at age three - I find it rather hard to believe she is making that up - but possible.

did she say her step-dad had done this, or just that she had been smacked? ie was it step-dad or was it mum?

tandraig wrote: »

I realise that the situation is a bit strained - but beckett - why did you prompt your daughter to give stepdad a kiss goodbye? you may do this in your family - but your daughter was uncomfortable with it from what you said?

I agree with this, if anyone's going to prompt your DD to kiss her step-dad it should be her mum, not you! Although I do think that was a generous move on your part!

beckett110

To be honest it was just an instinctive thing to ask her if she was going to give kisses before they went, I want her to have a good relationship with her step dad as I dont want her to be pushed out because of me as it seems that way. I think the reason is because 1 of my ex's kids is his and the oldest doesnt see his dad so he probably sees her bf as his dad.

All my daughter said was that she gets smacked when she wets her knickers.

Kay_Peel

The root of the problem lies in the smacking allegation. Mother believes the child and Father doesn't believe that it happened - he's backing his girlfriend. Mother is digging her heels in for one of three reasons:

1. She feels her daughter is at risk
2 She wants Dad to take the matter more seriously
3. She's using it as an excuse to control Dad and to cause maximum damage to the relationship with the girlfriend.

While we may suspect that she is motivated by (3) there's nothing to be lost by meeting her halfway on (2).

Suggest that the three of you - mother, father and child - sit down together and talk about it openly.

I would also go with her stipulation of seeing the child at Mother's house - for the time being. Brazen it out, I say.

Good luck - I'm sorry to hear about your dreadful plight. It sounds like it's impossible to negotiate with Mother and a mediator of some description is called for. In the meantime, keep your nose clean - you're in this for the long game, not the short term, and sometimes you have to take three steps back to move forward.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

I'm sure you will be able to work this out - but bear in mind that, whilst your DD saying your GF has slapped her is automatically untrue, her saying her SD slapped her must be the truth?

Unless you did not leave the room once all weekend, even to go to the loo, there is always time for an element of doubt (my DD2 was regularly hissed at and grabbed by the then SM whenever her dad left the room - it was only when she developed grab mark bruises visible at dropping off time that I justifiably went spare at ex - who sorted the problem pretty sharpish)

At the same time, if she did make it up - as small children can - then it is quite possible that she made up the stepdad thing too.

Keep it in mind that your ex may be acting as a caring parent told by her daughter that someone has hurt her - just like you are doing.

In which case, remaining civil is probably the best option. And a step anything sulking over it - like you say, your gf is hardly speaking to you - is unfair, as you rightly have to think of your daughter rather than automatically taking her side.

I hope this is resolved soon.

beckett110

I only got to see my daughter 3 days a week for about 3 hours each time, on the day that the allegation was made about I had her at my house between 4 and 7. My gf was working till 5 so didnt get home till about quarter past so there was only a period of just under 2 hours where she was home and during that period I was playing with my daughter and even when I went to do her tea she came into the kitchen to watch what I was doing.

If there was even the slightest chance that my gf could have slapped her then I would take it seriously as she means everything to me and I'd never consider slapping or even smacking my daughter as I dont think its necessary. I tried to explain to my ex how I knew that it couldnt have happened but she just said that I was calling my daughter a liar and then she hung up on me.

My daughter has previously said that her step dad doesnt like her and when she mentioned about being smacked my first instinct was to get angry about it but then after speaking to my family they managed to stop me from overreacting.

To be honest I dont believe that her step dad has hit her as shes only said it once which is why I never raised it with my ex. I think it helps by speaking to people though as I remember someone that I used to work with saying that their child had told that the childminder locked her in the shed but she found out that it wasn't true so I always keep that at the back of my mind.

Im seeing my solicitor tomorrow but Im not sure how good my solicitor is as the last time I saw her when we were sorting out the divorce and the access for my daughter she wasnt very helpful but she was only a trainee back then so Im hoping shes better this time as it was 2 years ago. A friend has recommended a solicitor to me who he used and he said they were really good, Im considering changing solicitors but I dont know if its a good idea or not. I think the best thing is to see how tomorrow goes before making any rash decisions.

neneromanova

beckett110 wrote: »

Im seeing my solicitor tomorrow but Im not sure how good my solicitor is as the last time I saw her when we were sorting out the divorce and the access for my daughter she wasnt very helpful but she was only a trainee back then so Im hoping shes better this time as it was 2 years ago. A friend has recommended a solicitor to me who he used and he said they were really good, Im considering changing solicitors but I dont know if its a good idea or not. I think the best thing is to see how tomorrow goes before making any rash decisions.

I think it's a very good Idea if you didn't get on well with her last time. You'll need someone who is good and knows what they are saying as you don't want to be paying money to a woman who isn't helping you get more access to your daughter.

beckett110

Just to update this following my meeting with my solicitor yesterday.

First of all when I got there she had no record of being ever being there on the computer despite them sorting my divorce for me, ok so it was nearly 3 years ago but I'd expect them to keep some sort of record.

Anyway when I explained the situation she offered no assistance with what options I had and I had to tell her what exactly I wanted which I didnt find very helpful.

I got the impression straight away that she wasnt interested and the next thing she did was to work out if I would get legal aid (public funding as she put it) and due to me living with my gf I am not entitled as it was worked out on both of our salaries.

As soon as she find this out then she seemed even less interested, she automatically made the assumption that I couldnt afford to pay without even asking me. After being told that it cost me £130 an hour for her services I immediately decided that even if I could afford it I wouldnt pay that for her as I would rather have someone who I was confident would get a positive outcome. So I will go and speak to the solicitor that my friend recommended.

Money is tight as it is so I want to avoid paying if possible but it may not be an option. I think my ex wife is going to see her solicitor today after what she told me last week so I will wait on the outcome of that.

My best option seems to be to try and sit down and talk through the problems with my ex wife and try to work through them, other than that we will have to go to mediation and see if we can work it out that way.

Failing that I could always give up work and go on benefits like my ex wife and her bf and then I will get legal aid so I will get it all paid for me. By the way I am just being sarcastic here so please dont have a go at me, this is not an option.

I feel completely lost now as I feel like the odds are completely stacked against me. I dont want this to affect my relationship with my daughter but I dont know how to avoid it at the moment without giving in and agreeing to everything my ex wife suggests.

Thanks again for all your help on this so far.