Barrage of emotional events - how do you cope?

Jo_R_2

Do you ever feel yourself caught in a cascade of things happening in succession in your life?

I have just found out my mum has cancer. This follows on from the start of the year, when (in a completely unrelated hospital stay), she nearly died after suffering from sepsis and is now epileptic as a result. This was not too long after she broke her pelvis in a horrible accident at home - crazy story, complete accident but not nice.

Last November an old friend died suddenly in his sleep. This hit me for six at the time and has brought up a series of "what's the meaning of life?" questions and wonderings which I still haven't resolved (don't know if I ever will, or if there is an answer.) I think about him a lot and kind of 'refer' to him at difficult times, like, what should I do with a given situation, what would my friend say, how do I handle this?

Me and OH have also been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Nothing 'bad' has happened but we've been working through some tough times together, still are really, which we haven't really shared with anyone. Relationship issues seem so trivial to talk about with what's going on at the moment with mum that I don't want to bring them up with anyone... We're still reeling from how ill she was not so long ago, let alone now, and I feel quite lost really I suppose. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel quite empty, and there's times I feel like I should be making the most of things - going from one emotion to another quite a lot.

I think had someone said to me all this would have happened in a very short space of time, I would have imagined that I'd be a wreck. Yet here I am marching on through somehow, feeling a lot like I'm on autopilot. Is this a good thing? How have people coped with lots of things going on?

I had to laugh though - last week before I found out about mum, I said to OH, well nothing else bad could possibly happen now, the only way is up...! Just goes to show.

whitelillies

Three years ago i had a few emotional problems. I split up with my long term partner and had to sell our home, my son joined to army and got sent away, my other child had 2 car accidents and another accident, resulting in hospitalisation. Then i had to have an op, so i was in hospital, although not at the same time. Then it got infected, then my car got vandalised, and things went on and on. My mum said she doesnt know how i coped, but somehow i did. Looking back i had so much on my shoulders i dont know how i did.

BitterAndTwisted

I was once coping with a multitude of terrible misfortunes all going on at the same time just as you are now and if anyone had told me that I'd have endure such things I'd have said that I'd just run for the hills or collapse in a heap, sobbing. That did not happen, just like you I went into autopilot trying to deal with practical things that I could have an influence over because all of the other things I could not. We just press on, living day-to-day. I must say that when the worst thing came to pass: the death of my mother after a long and horrifying illness, it was the aftermath which I found the most difficult, when I wasn't worrying about someone else's welfare 24/7. I think it might be helpful for you to anticipate this as I suspect that this might not be unusual

pigpen

Ooooh can I share my sorry tale of woe??? It may make you feel better!!!

In the last 12 months we have had 2 babies, 10 funerals (4 in very very tragic accidents, 3 were very young at 20, 21 and 22), an affair, a divorce, no money, no housing benefit (ongoing insanity) a miscarriage, a new man, my oldest son forced out by his dad, social workers, hospital referrals, blood disorders, exam/sats stress, new high school, new college, failed first attempt at university, a couple of shocking diagnoses for the children (one has cerebral palsy, one needs an op) My aunt has cancer. and an old family friend has almost died 3 time from leukaemia in the last 3 months. My cousin has been sectioned again for her schitzophrenia. Oh and my 2 baby cousins have been taken into care because their parents are drunks!

Then on the flip side we look at the plus points..

We have new lives to celebrate. With diagnoses comes help. Death in some cases provides release from suffering, as hard as it is to let our loved ones go we have to do it to free them. Cancer and leukaemia are treatable.

One thing I have discovered.. DON'T EVER SAY.. IT CAN ONLY GET BETTER!!!! That is untrue.. it can get worse so very very much worse.. don't tempt it!!! I have said it so many time in the last year to have another pile of crap thrown at me from all sides... then stupidly I said it again earlier this week.. in the post that day I got a letter saying I had a blood disorder and have to go for genetic testing!!! Scared the wits out of me. I had a desperate call from an upset friend who had had to have her bunny put to sleep (minor I know but she loved him dearly) My sons behavioural issues reared their ugly heads and terrorised the household.. and.. my mother decided not to talk to me again.. I love half term!

It will get better in time.. and you will survive because you are wonderful.. deal with it one thing at a time one step at a time.. You can't do it all at once.. and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger...

Go get 'em!!!!

piglet6

2007 was our family's year for emotional events. Everything was going OK (if you take into account I was ignoring my symptoms!), until June. I had been experiencing bleeding from the back passage (sorry - TMI! ), and was refererred to a colo-rectal surgeon who "investigated" and found a large "growth" which was "bumpy on the surface like a cauliflower" (which suggested cancer). Given that he (a world-renowned expert, due to the private healthcare that my job paid for) thought that this was serious, I was operated on within a week, and during the week I had to wait for surgery, they gave me several full-body scans (the theory being that the growth was so large and alarming, that it had to be cancer and there would definitely be secondaries within my body...:(). They as good as told me that any secondaries would doubtless prove to be terminal as the original source was so "large and angry", and they couldn't afford to try and assess the rate of growth by waiting any longer...

I only told my husband about this and then we had to tell both sets of parents once the surgeon told us that I needed surgery and he thought it would definitely be serious (I didn't want to alarm everybody else unnecessarily!). Its a tricky conversation to have with your parents when you are their only child - and a long-awaited child at that...! Medics were confused when they couldn't find secondary cancers within my body (re-scanned me - 2 whole days in total - and still found nothing...). Surgery took place and large sections of my bowel were removed (plus my appendix - well, at least I'll never have to worry about appendicitis!! :rotfl:). On the morning of my operation, my father had a major heart attack (3hrs before my op) :eek:. The doctors promised me that it had been "waiting to happen", but it will always be in the back of my mind that the week he spent worrying about me was a major contributing factor... We both lived to tell the tale, then a month after my surgery, my husband had a nervous breakdown (probably as a result of supporting me, and my parents - particularly my mother after my surgery and my father's heart attack - whilst trying to hold down a full-time job - who knows...?!?! :think:). He spent 4 months in hospital, and many months at home afterwards recuperating gradually to the point of "normal life" again...

We all survived. I am now "better" - it turned out not to be cancer, but severe endometriosis (in the bowel and surrounding organs, not the fertility-affecting type which is usually found in the "female" organs). My father has made a very good recovery, and is now healthy (although he is "careful" with his health...). My husband has also made almost a full recovery - after many months building back up to full health, he has made a remarkable recovery and his doctors are very pleased with his progress.

We humans are much more resilient than we think - what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger!

Piglet
x

ailuro2

Humans can deal with a lot by slipping into auto pilot and not trying to think about everything too much while they are going through tough times. Later on this might hit you for six as after the practicalities are dealt with and got through,when your Mum is back on the road to recovery and you've time to sit and think about it all instead of running back and forth doing hospital visits etc.

It might be an idea to take a few minutes each day and keep a blog/diary so you can look back on this and realise how strong you are to get through it all.

Don't slip into the "it's always us that it happens to" way of thinking though. You need to believe you're just having a bad year and it will get better. It might help to go for some couples counselling to head things off at the pass on that front if you feel it might help to share your issues and get them sorted out. Waiting lists can be long though, so if you put your name on the list now, things will be a bit less hectic by the time your apppointments come round?

Best Wishes, I hope it all calms down a bit for you very soon! (Notice I didn't say Good Luck, that's the last thing you want anyone to say right now, isn't it?)

Sucker_for_sweeties

Jo_R wrote: »

Do you ever feel yourself caught in a cascade of things happening in succession in your life?

I have just found out my mum has cancer. This follows on from the start of the year, when (in a completely unrelated hospital stay), she nearly died after suffering from sepsis and is now epileptic as a result. This was not too long after she broke her pelvis in a horrible accident at home - crazy story, complete accident but not nice.

Last November an old friend died suddenly in his sleep. This hit me for six at the time and has brought up a series of "what's the meaning of life?" questions and wonderings which I still haven't resolved (don't know if I ever will, or if there is an answer.) I think about him a lot and kind of 'refer' to him at difficult times, like, what should I do with a given situation, what would my friend say, how do I handle this?

Me and OH have also been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster. Nothing 'bad' has happened but we've been working through some tough times together, still are really, which we haven't really shared with anyone. Relationship issues seem so trivial to talk about with what's going on at the moment with mum that I don't want to bring them up with anyone... We're still reeling from how ill she was not so long ago, let alone now, and I feel quite lost really I suppose. Sometimes I feel sad, sometimes I feel quite empty, and there's times I feel like I should be making the most of things - going from one emotion to another quite a lot.

I think had someone said to me all this would have happened in a very short space of time, I would have imagined that I'd be a wreck. Yet here I am marching on through somehow, feeling a lot like I'm on autopilot. Is this a good thing? How have people coped with lots of things going on?

I had to laugh though - last week before I found out about mum, I said to OH, well nothing else bad could possibly happen now, the only way is up...! Just goes to show.

So sorry this is all coming in together. It seems you are both working on the real issues together, rather than letting your waves knock you down.

I try so hard when really pushed to find a crumb I can be glad for, and sometimes it is just a crumb.

Want to hold you tight and stroke your back....in a nice way, the way I do with my kids.:o

When I truly believed it couldn't get worse, I was lucky and my OH picked me up. It cemented a bond that was almost stronger than having his kids, and we still rely on it ....more so as more life keeps happening.

Sucker_for_sweeties

piglet6 wrote: »

2007 was our family's year for emotional events. Everything was going OK (if you take into account I was ignoring my symptoms!), until June. I had been experiencing bleeding from the back passage (sorry - TMI! ), and was refererred to a colo-rectal surgeon who "investigated" and found a large "growth" which was "bumpy on the surface like a cauliflower" (which suggested cancer). Given that he (a world-renowned expert, due to the private healthcare that my job paid for) thought that this was serious, I was operated on within a week, and during the week I had to wait for surgery, they gave me several full-body scans (the theory being that the growth was so large and alarming, that it had to be cancer and there would definitely be secondaries within my body...:(). They as good as told me that any secondaries would doubtless prove to be terminal as the original source was so "large and angry", and they couldn't afford to try and assess the rate of growth by waiting any longer...

I only told my husband about this and then we had to tell both sets of parents once the surgeon told us that I needed surgery and he thought it would definitely be serious (I didn't want to alarm everybody else unnecessarily!). Its a tricky conversation to have with your parents when you are their only child - and a long-awaited child at that...! Medics were confused when they couldn't find secondary cancers within my body (re-scanned me - 2 whole days in total - and still found nothing...). Surgery took place and large sections of my bowel were removed (plus my appendix - well, at least I'll never have to worry about appendicitis!! :rotfl:). On the morning of my operation, my father had a major heart attack (3hrs before my op) :eek:. The doctors promised me that it had been "waiting to happen", but it will always be in the back of my mind that the week he spent worrying about me was a major contributing factor... We both lived to tell the tale, then a month after my surgery, my husband had a nervous breakdown (probably as a result of supporting me, and my parents - particularly my mother after my surgery and my father's heart attack - whilst trying to hold down a full-time job - who knows...?!?! :think:). He spent 4 months in hospital, and many months at home afterwards recuperating gradually to the point of "normal life" again...

We all survived. I am now "better" - it turned out not to be cancer, but severe endometriosis (in the bowel and surrounding organs, not the fertility-affecting type which is usually found in the "female" organs). My father has made a very good recovery, and is now healthy (although he is "careful" with his health...). My husband has also made almost a full recovery - after many months building back up to full health, he has made a remarkable recovery and his doctors are very pleased with his progress.

We humans are much more resilient than we think - what doesn't kill us really does make us stronger!

Piglet
x

The day when you are outside and you turn your head to the warm sun, shut your eyes, and sniff deep, even if it's freezing, is the day you see you will get through it.

Like you said, we'll be stronger for it.

esmf73

A friend always used to say to me that God always gives you a little bit more than you think you can cope with to make you stronger.

I don't know about God (as I'm starting to wonder!!!) but definately I am amazed at all I (and you lovely people above me in this list) are able to cope with now. I certainly didn't think life would be like this!! Best of luck to you all xx

Jo_R_2

Wow thank you all for your words of advice and those who shared stories. I feel quite humble now!

Ailuro, I have been careful not to be thinking, this always happens to me/I have such bad luck, as I know this is very dangerous thinking. I have a history of depression and although it has been a while, I am treading carefully through this (as much as I know how really) and taking it a step at a time. A worry of mine is should I slip back into that place again, one of my main sources of help and practical support - my parents - are obviously not able to be there.

Lots of hugs to those who need them - or ones after the event for those who may have needed them at the time x

cazziebo

To Jo and others - what incredible strength you have.

It is true that we seem to muster the resources to cope with huge burdens when it's needed. However, although autopilot does seem to kick in, you do have to bear in mind that it usually takes its toll at some point.

Make sure you look after yourself - you have to invest some time to keep these emotional energy reserves up. It might be a manicure, making time for a coffee with a friend or making sure you go for that swim or walk in the woods. Don't feel guilty about feeling down or resentful - accept you're coping with a lot and then just keep going.

x