if someone was doing the dirty on their wife...

*Louise*

If my husband was cheating and people knew but never told me, I would be devastated, even to the point that they would no longer be considered friends, I would feel betrayed by them as well.


If you don't know the wife personally, I guess it's a different story. Maybe just send a letter saying something is going on if you don't want to be personally involved, and let her do the research. I would want to know.

Lotus-eater

I would stand by my friend, whether that was the one doing the dirty, or getting it done to them. Male or female, wouldn't matter to me.

I wouldn't be backward in telling them if I thought they were doing the wrong thing also.

just so it's clear, I would tell the person if it was being done to them, if they were a greater friend than the other. If my greater friend was the person doing it, I wouldn't tell the other one, but I may say something to my friend about how daft he/she is being.

If they were of equal friendship, I would struggle, but would end up saying something to the one who did it probably. Not definite, depends on the situation.

kittiej

The problem is if you tell the missus then you're going to open a big can of worms ands you will probably get caught in the crossfire.

If that's the sort he is then he'll probably turn it around and say you're only saying it cos you've got a thing for her, you're a trouble maker etc.

I know it's an awkward situation and you feel bad but it's their marriage. Now if a mistress came forward that would be a different matter I suppose.

I would keep quiet unless I knew I could nail the person 100%

pinkshoes

If I were the wife, I'd want to know, but only if you had first had information i.e. you'd actually seen him yourself with his tongue down another woman's throat! If you don't have first hand information, then don't tell the wife.

Or, I'd tell the husband that he has 48 hours to confess all to his wife, otherwise you will tell her. At least then he has the chance to come clean.

busiscoming2

Having been the wife in this situation - I wish someone had told me.

How do you know? Has he confided in you or have you seen him out with the other person?
If you have seen him, how many other people know too? And no one has the guts to tell the wife! How do you think she will feel down the line when she finds out you and whoever else knew?

misgrace

paddy's_mum wrote: »

If she is willing to pay everything for him, she may be of the doormat type and already know.

This might be one of the few times when an anonymous (anonymous, not unkind!) letter might be justified, provided it gives facts not supposition.

I couldnt make out if the OP meant the wife was paying for everything, or the new totty in his life.

I agree with the anonymous note also, if your couldnt face telling her.:(

I know its not nice to send a note like this, but sometimes by telling you could be opening up a big can of worms, I told once, wish I hadnt, as I was the one made out to be the bad one.

Lotus-eater

misgrace wrote: »

I know its not nice to send a note like this, but sometimes by telling you could be opening up a big can of worms, I told once, wish I hadnt, as I was the one made out to be the bad one.

I did the same, a long time ago, an ex was being cheated on and I thought she knew, so I told her by accident.
Cue me being blamed.

As a footnote, me and a mate were out on the pull a few months later, when we got talking to 2 very nice girls, turned out after a while, one of them was the (ex) best friend of my ex and she had been the one shagging my ex's now (then) BF. To say you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife .........:rotfl: she was really really p1ssed off with me, I just laughed and told her she was supposed to be her best friend. Needless to say, neither me or my mate got any that night.:p

Hermia

misgrace wrote: »

but sometimes by telling you could be opening up a big can of worms, I told once, wish I hadnt, as I was the one made out to be the bad one.

That's happened to me. Often the wife does seem to side with the husband. I had a friend whose partner was fleecing her (he !!!!!!ed off after emptying her savings account). I told her what was going on and she accused me of being jealous ('cause I'm single)!

For me, how I approached it would depend on the situation of the woman. If it was one of my younger friends who had her own career/money and there were no kids I would definitely tell because I'd know she was independent and had time to start again. If it was a friend who had kids or was financially dependent on her husband I would be a bit more cautious. I do know older women who do turn a blind eye to their husband's behaviour because of the kids, don't think they could cope with their own or would not want to go out to work again. I think they might be so threatened by the threat to their stability that I feel I would be the one to be blamed.

Indie_Kid

I have been in this situation before:
I found out that a friend of mine was cheating and said nothing. There was nothing to stop him denying it and claiming I was doing it to split them up. (the previous year, him & I had a very rocky friendship)

I don't know his wife, if that makes any difference.

Ladyhawk

I think it makes a massive difference if you are friends with the cheated on partner. If I didn't know her/ wasn't friends with her/him then I wouldn't say anything. If they were a friend I would tell them. Not sure how I'd go about it and I hope I never have to find out.