Heartbroken/Extremely difficult 16yr dd update pls advise

determined_new_ms

Kay_Peel wrote: »

I can't tell you how much my spirits have been lifted by your post OP - thank you.

In my last post I wrote about a friend in a similar situation. I pointed her towards this thread because there was such sound advice, practical tips and much needed support for those in despair. Hi, Ellie, if you are reading this - if you won't hear it from me then at least listen to the wealth of experience and good sense from others.

Much love

Thanks Kay Peel, that's really sweet of you, can't imagine how I've lifted anyone's spirits, I've been so low. Esp when I first posted...

You know what although its really sad for me re my friend I don't blame her, there's only so long someone can cope with someone else's self absorbtion. As I say I feel sad but she was there for me for a really long time and really tried to get me to back off from it all. But I was totally co-dependent a year ago if anyone asked me how I was I responded by saying how she was/what was going on/what she'd done etc etc. I'm still occupied by her but am beginning to see myself as a person again and its only if someone asks me about her that I talk about it. Nowadays if someone asks me how I am, I either tell them or give a polite reply!

Its SOOOOOOOOOOOO hard when its your family...

pusscat

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Freudian slip I think...

Oh sorry!!!:rotfl::rotfl::rotfl::eek:

I wrote the post in another programme so was doing it from memory *crawls away to hide under a stone in embarassment*

elisamoose

with no prior experience of children at all, so a lot of my parenting was learning on the job!

Umm not sure how else any of us learn how to parent !

determined_new_ms

Hi something really strange (or at least to me) happened tonight. My hairdresser came round, he's been doing my hair for a couple of years, so know alot - I, unlike some ppl, suffer from extreme verbal looseness when I'm having a hard time, I'm yet to learn the secret of keeping my cards close to my chest! Anyway just before he left he said "I've always thought you're a great mum, you're so loving and forgiving" You could have blown me over with a feather! an it seems that's what other ppl have been think (see my earlier post with my friend on Monday) I've always thought everyone thought it was my fault, that it had to be, if I'd done a better job, if I hadn't fallen apart when my relationship ended, if Id "nipped it in the bud". Sudddenly I'm started to see things differently...

My phone kept ringing when I was getting my hair (sometimes she reverses the call and it can sometimes ring for 2 rings and cut out so I presumed it was her) but everytime I answered the line went dead. So I unplugged it from the wall! She gets her benefits tomorrow so if she wants to call me she can, and she will have had my letter suggesting we go for something to eat on Sunday. So its the beginning for a new me

paddy's_mum

Do you think a reconciliation of some sort could be on the horizon if you were to send the former best friend a Sorry card? How about saying that you now realise that you were looking inwards for too much of the time, didn't treat her as she deserved to be treated which led to the balance of give and take being thrown and that you really miss her?

I'm not condemning, just wondering if there is still enough warmth in both your hearts for some hurts to be healed. You must have liked each other very much once and if a bit of humble (not self castigation!) communication gets your dear friend back, isn't that worthwhile?

I'm pleased to know of the hairdresser's comments and the road to self forgiveness it has helped you find. You'll get there.

Savvy_Sue

determined_new_ms wrote: »

I want to give her some "tough love" but I also can't bear to think of her suffering.

I'm glad to hear you're working through things better, but thought it was worth picking up on this.

Tough Love means doing what's best, not what's easiest, or simplest, or least painful.

If someone needs a general anaesthetic, they need to starve themselves / be starved beforehand. They suffer - hunger, thirst etc. You don't - can't - say to a child "I can't bear to see you suffer, have a drink." Because in the long term, that means more suffering.

And pusscat, some posts are SO good you wish you could thank them twice!

determined_new_ms

Hi thanks for your replies. Paddysmum, I wish it would be rectified like that but I've decided to let it go, I've tried emailing serveral times, calling she doesn't pick up or return my call and texting all unresponded to. I think its best to leave it, maybe we'll bump into each other at a social thing and things will start from there.

Today is the day that we meet for something to eat, so am keeping my fingers crossed! She's left a message on facebook saying she will definately be there. I've stayed with a friend this weekend in London so we're about to do some roleplay and see how I come across... I have seen that she is intending to get a tatoo tomorrow (her brother's name and date of birth on her shoulder:mad:) not sure how I'll be able to hold my tonge and do the uhum that has been suggested but I'm going to try... Clearly her rent is not as much as a problem as she has made out to me.

Wish me luck!

yoni_one

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Apparently there is no where you can go for support if you are the victim of violence from your children.

I have not read the entire thread so please excuse me if I am duplicating a conversation already had, but have you contacted Women's Aid?

I work for a refuge and we most certainly support people who are victims of domestic violence and abuse where the perpetrator is an older child.

I really hope you manage to access the right support.

If you contact the helpline they should be able to direct you to your local domestic violence and abuse services - helpline number is 0808 2000 247

squirrelchops

Hi all,

I have worked with adolescents with complex emotional and bevioural difficulties for many years now and can say that pusscat's advice is very good.

I agree that keeping to the main topic being discussed without getting diverted is key. I know some teenagers that can divert a topic better than any politician any day of the week and are very skilled in only discussing what they want to.

Also it is incredibly hard to not respond to deliberate comments made that are intended to begin an argument. I call it the 'going fishing' syndrome! The young person will go fishing for anything they can use to 'hook' you into an argument.

I have worked with young people who have tried to hook me for hours and hours at a time...it is very tiring and hard work but not getting drawn into it is so important.

determined_new_ms

Hi feeling very good about yesterday, if it's not tinged with a little sadness. The meal could not have gone better. When we met up she looked better than I have seen her looking for a long time. When she was living with me she really didn't take cery good care of her hair, clothes, she didn't wash often (all sources of nagging/conflict between us). Yesterday she looked beautiful, and she really is stunning. I told her it was nice to see her and she looked well she replied (cheerfully I might add) "not wearing too much make up?" I replied "its not up to me how much make up you wear love." and changed the subject (felt very proud of myself!) She told me the reason she is able to look so well is there is a free washing machine at her hostel and she does washing all the time, held my tonge and did not point out there has always been a washing machine at ours!

She was very pleasant and chatty throughout the whole meal. She has started school again - school has been an ongoing difficuty since she was 12 with her refusing to go towards the end or when she did go being aggressive and being sent home. She even gets up to be picked up at 9.30am! I know this isn't shocking for most teenagers but it is for her.

We laughed and chatted throughout the whole time, when things lulled I changed the subjects to things I had thought of earlier in the day. So may good//sensible things were said from her ("I'm going to have an implant put in" "uhum..." "I've been feeling like I want to have a child but realise if I do it would be the biggest mistake of my life" "uhum that sounds sensible"/"what would you like to drink?" "I'll have an orange juice, I haven't drunk alcohol since xmas")

When I dropped her back near where she lives I said it was lovey to see things were going so well for her now. She replied she has had to learn alot and realised when she was at home she didn't need to worry about money or anything else because I would always sort everything out but she has had to do a lot of things herself "I never thought I'd have to go to the Council and sort out my own housing". She said she obviously wished she was still at home but it is better being where she is and not fighting every day. She said she has just now realised that she needs to pay for certain things with her money such as food and rent before anything else ("uhu dear that sounds sensible")

I don't think the meeting could have gone better:) before I dropped her off she asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema next sunday for mother's day (to a film that is my kind of film) I said that would be nice and when she has the details of the time and everything to let me know and we can make arrangements - I would have previously said "I'll find out all the details".

But as I said there is sadness, I think she is sad not to be around her family and that there is some loneliness there. She told me she has an appointment with her GP as her Support Officer has suggested she might be depressed. I guess the way she has behaved has made nobody happy, least of all her. I look forward to our next meeting...

Thanks for all your sensible advice and support.:A