Heartbroken/Extremely difficult 16yr dd update pls advise

determined_new_ms

How do other people cope with difficult teenagers? No one tells you how having children can make you feel an overwhelming sense of failure.

My dd hit adolesence like a sledge hammer and things have been extremely difficult since she was 12, there were a number of factors that made this time extremely difficult for us all - her dad who left me when she was born moved back into the town and had a very unconventional lifestyle that wasn't healthy for her to be involved with but she forged a relationship with him without my knowledge, after a year and a half he bailed out again, my partner left me sudddenly and I was devasted and didn't cope as I wished I had when things were difficult, she hated the school she went to and eventually was permenantly excluded, she got in with the wrong crowd and started drinking/taking drugs.

Things have been extremely difficult on and off, she can be a lovely girl but when things do not go her way she is abusive towards me, steals off me all the time so much so that I have had to put locks on my bedroom door (she even kicked the door in one day), anything that belongs to me I have to keep locked away, she is verbally abusive and in Dec last year she started to be violent towards me. I tried repeatedly to get support from Social Services and initially they were supportive however from about June of last year they stopped returning my calls, I made a complaint and the social worker admitted that she just wasn't returning my calls. Apparently there is no where you can go for support if you are the victim of violence from your children.

A month ago this all culminated in her attacking me a pushing me onto my bed, I kicked her away and she called the police to have me arrested for assualt, when the police arrived they arrested her instead. She is now not living with me and is in a homeless hostel.

Its so hard to make sense of everything that has happened over the last 4 years. No matter how difficult it was I believed that if I just perserved then it would all come out ok. It doesn't feel like that at the moment, I'm constantly thinking about her and am heartbroken that our family life has just crumbled around me and worry about what she must be going through.

Everytime we speak now the conversation ends in her being abusive to me, so I'm trying to show her some "tough love" and have told her unless she can treat me with some respect then its best we do not talk. But in this situation tough love isn't just tough on her, and no matter what has happened she's my daughter and I want her to be part of my life. What do you do if you're no longer what you've defined yourself as? Who do you turn to when the ppl in your life are bored with hearing about it? My best friend decided she no longer wanted to be friends with me about 6 months ago and has cut me out of her life completely

I'm devasted by everything that has happened and spend my days/nights trying to work out where I went wrong and what I could have done to have changed it, I know its futile but I do it anyway. I feel a huge sadness that I may have lost my daughter for good. Its so sad for me that I'm watching my friends share in their children's successes and have a good relationship with them, and its the one thing I can't have.

Sorry but I just needed to get it out and share it with someone

squirrelchops

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation. I can only offer some words of practical advice....

As your daughter is 16 and homeless, the housing authority now have a duty for social aervices to be involved as there was a ruling called the Southwark Ruling that means homeless 16-18 year olds now become the responbility of social services as hve the definition of 'Children in Need'.

This may have a benefit as social services will have to fully assess your daughters needs and could, by working with other agencies look at maybe anger management counselling or a referral to CAMHS - child and adolescnet mental health service. Education and connexions should also be invloved to see what can be done to support your daughter in these areas.

Has your daughter been charged with assault? Could be that the youth offending service get invlolved to work with her. Although you say there is no support for parents who are vitims of violence from their children have you considered phoning the support service for women who are victims of doemstic violence. Although she is you daughter not your partner the patterns of control, manipulation etc are all exactly the same.

I am only trying to highlight support that could be put in place for you daughter and therefore also for you. Social services may be able to put in some family support or to look at finding family counselling to support the relationship between the two of you.

mazza111

{{{hugz}}}

You are not alone. A very similar thing happened with my daughter. She's now 19. My best friend. And lives alone. She has her own little place and I am really proud of how she's turned her life around.

Has your daughter had her hormone levels checked, my dd's hormones were all over the shop 24/7 and only calmed down with medical intervention. Might be worth a shot to get them checked out. Not going to make excuses for her, or my daughter for that matter, you don't need to put up with violence in any form. Just giving a wee bit of advice that it might be something simple like that

delain

What hostel is it?

We have a supported one for under 25's here, 2 houses, one with live in workers (high support - or anyone under 18) and low support.

I lived in one of these for a while and it was the best place for me to be, the workers are great, they don't let you sit around on jsa, they make you go to college or get a job and help you work things out!

If the hostel is like this, then wait for her to come around.

Errata

OP It sounds like you're trying to make sense of the situation and you just can't manage to on your own. Have you thought about asking your GP to refer you to the practice counsellor ?

BitterAndTwisted

OP, parenthood is a work in progress. Nothing for you or your daughter is set in concrete if you don't want it to be. It sound to me that your daughter is in the very best place she can be if living at home with you was too much of a struggle for her. And for you too by the sounds of it. I was a completely hateful adolescent and ran my parents absolutely ragged, albeit not to the extent that your daughter has but all the same I knew that they never stopped loving me just because I was being so horrible. They let me get on with it to make my own mistakes and waited. Eventually I understood what it was to be able to make my own life on my own and live like a normal person. And then I returned to the welcoming arms of my lovely family. I hope this happens to you with your daughter in the end but please, please try not to feel any guilt about the difficulties and obstacles you have both had to deal with. It's not all about your daughter, you've been though a lot as well.

determined_new_ms

Thank you so much for your kind replies. I do find hope in hearing that other people went through difficullt times with their teenagers and they have now come through it. I hope this is the case for us. I have been having counselling for the past 6 months, initially to deal with things from my childhood (I didn't have a good experience of how parents should parent children) but largely at the moment it is to discuss my feelings around what has been happening.

She is under the YOT for another issue when she assualted a teacher at her last school. She has only recently was sentenced for this so has only just started working with the YOT so hopefully this will help her to address her anger management. With regard to SS recently I have felt they are unable to support families struggling because they just do not have the resources.

She is at a hostel that is just for young offenders and the staff there are very good so she stands the best chance, but she's so young and vulnerablel even though she doesn't think she is.

"I hope this happens to you with your daughter in the end but please, please try not to feel any guilt about the difficulties and obstacles you have both had to deal with. It's not all about your daughter, you've been though a lot as well. "

Thank you this is very kind, and gets to the heart of it, I do feel terribly guilty

RAS

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Thank you this is very kind, and gets to the heart of it, I do feel terribly guilty

Thanks so much for the clarification. Hopefully she will get the help she needs to choose a way in life that leads to less trouble for her.

With respect to your own feelings, you cannot unmake the past, your own or your daughter's, or alter the fact that you have both had to face challenges that make it harder to find your way. You can only work from where you are today, not where you might like to be.

And ultimately your feeling guilty is not going to help your daughter; it reduces your effectiveness as a parent and gives your daughter power that she does not need or have the skill to handle. Over time you may want to find other ways to think about the things behind that guilt.

determined_new_ms

Needing advice about this. My daughter called me on Saturday, really upset (she hasn't made contact with me for 2 weeks and no longer has a phone - she told me she was mugged but not entirely convinced she's telling the truth...) saying she's not coping, not being sensible with her money (she told me she's spending it on cannibis) she hasn't paid any rent since she's been there (she needs to pay £15PW to top up her rent from JSA approx £100 per fortnight) and asked if she could come over for the evening. I had dinner plans with my colleagues but decided to cancel them as I wanted to make sure she was ok, and in truth I miss her dreadfully so wanted a chance to spend some time with her and start to rebuild bridges. I had to go to Oxford in the day but told her I would be over to pick her up at 7, on my return. Just as I got into the town where she is staying she sent me a text cancelling. This is quite typical of her and me. She tells me she needs me and I drop everything. By the time I got home it was too late to go out for my original plans.

So what I'm asking advice for is, I'm thinking of telling her I will pay half of her rent for her to help her manage on her money, £30 out of £100 seems alot and now she has arrears so needs to pay more. However I'm going to say she needs to pay it first show me the receipt and then I will take her shopping and put my £15 towards her food bill. That way I think I will make sure she's not going to be evicted and she'll have enough food to last her. She said she wants to come home, but I said no, she needs to show me that she's changed and is being responsible before she can come home, otherwise I fear she'll just start being violent to me again.

What do people think am I being a push over or doing the right thing? I can never tell with her.

Thanks.

thorsoak

In your shoes, I would be wanting to do exactly what you want to do. But - and it is a big but - if you pay half her rent AND buy her food, all you are doing in effect is financing her cannabis habit

Maybe you could make a regular definite date to see her every week or so, you could make sure she has at least one decent meal then...?

determined_new_ms

No I wasn't going to pay her rent and buy her food, sorry if I wasn't clear. I'm going to say I will pay £15 towards her rent, but she must pay all of the rent first show me her receipt and then I will take her shopping and put £15 towards the total bill