Heartbroken/Extremely difficult 16yr dd update pls advise

determined_new_ms

I received a call my my dd yesterday about 4.30 saying she has been evicted as of yesterday, she has nowhere to go, social services are not helping her and they have said it is my responsibility to ensure she has somewhere to live.
I called the team where I lived who have been supporting her (when she moved out she was housed in a different town) and the SW told me they had closed the case as she no longer lived in the area and had been transfered to the team in the town where she is residing as of 15.03. I told them that there hadn't been a handover meeting with the receiving team and therefore it remains the duty of the leaving team. The woman was most unhelpful, telling me they did not have a duty to support her and the case was closed and that it was my responsibilty to find her somewhere to live. I reminded her that social seervices have a statutory duty to a child of under 18 if they are unable to live with their parents. She was insistent that the case had been closed and was not going to be helpful. I asked if the transfer meeting had taken place as the parent why had I not been invited to which she replied she could not dicuss the case with me.

I then called the receiving team who advised me as I thought there hadn't been a handover, a referral had been received on 15.03 and that they were not aware of a 16yo being homeless in their town. I told her that my dd had gone to the LA to present as homeless and had been told it was SS duty, but when she contacted the SW was told it's not their duty to help. So has been left with no support. The SW asked if she could come home for the weekend, I said no because as soon as she is in my home she will become my duty and we are back to square one with no support, the violence etc.

I'm beside myself with worry. My dd true to form is not helping herself in anyway and pushing the boundaries and sticking her fingers up to the ppl who are there to help. If I let her come home then we're back to where we were, nothing has changed. Pls advise what I should do now

snapping_crocodile

Sorry to hear you are having such a tough time. I would phone social services again today and speak to the emergency duty team. Hopefully it wont be the same unhelpful woman as yesterday. Just remind them of their legal obligations in housing a vulnerable 16 year old. Failing that you could also ring citizens advice for their opinion. Where did your daughter stay last night?

determined_new_ms

To my knowledge she "sofa surfed" at a woman's house, someone she has met since living int he new area. I do not know the address as she did not tell me (when I told her I would not let her come home I received a torrent of abuse, when I called back I received the same) If ppl do not do what she wants them to do she becomes abusive, and I presume it is the same with the agencies she is working with. I know that she is refusing to work with the YOT worker as she does not like her, but who would help her if she did. She now has to return to Court as she has breached her referral order.

It's such a worry, am at work but all I can think about is her...

Savvy_Sue

I am not sure what to advise: by phoning the duty team it's as if you are accepting some responsibility for your DD, so they will inevitably push for you to have her home for the weekend.

And normally, if there's going to be an eviction, some effort will be put into a move-on plan, but it's possible your DD has rejected all the options.

In some areas, there are organisations who might be able to work with an under 18 and vulnerable young woman. Maybe contact Barnados, especially if there's any local work. It's sometimes more 'acceptable' if help comes from a non-statutory agency, IYSWIM.

Kay_Peel

Savvy Sue is so right.

Social Services will prioritise a homeless young person who has no support whatsoever. They will be less concerned when there is a mother in the background lobbying, negotiating and trying to resolve the young person's problems. Perhaps they sense that you will take her back with just a little more pressure and allow them to concentrate on more desperate cases?

Your daughter is pushing all your buttons - I think you know that. She is not on the streets, though - so if it suits her to sofa surf and reject any other options, then that's her choice. She's with friends.

If it were me, I would continue with my plan. On getting an early morning call from my daughter, I would say something like: 'That's terrible - but you can tell me all about it when we meet on Sunday. Keep well. Bye.'

Without you to fight her battles and take the strain, she will be motivated to work with Social Services. I'd make it clear, when we had our Sunday meeting, that I was there to listen and to hear what progress she had made in getting a new home. I wouldn't make suggestions or offer any help, I'd just listen. If she had made some progress, then I would show my approval and congratulate her.

But that's all for the time being. There are going to be many more episodes like this in the near future (possibly) so I'd want my daughter to know how I was going to react when she next called me at 4.30am. I would see this incident as an opportunity to let her know where she stands and how my buttons will not be pushed. I am treating her as an adult and respecting her wishes to be independent of me - but that means that she has to act like an adult and not come running back to Mummy when it suits.

It must be very hard for you - and I truly feel very sorry for your predicament. You sound such a lovely mum. I've come across many homeless young people who have escaped dreadful homes and parents because they have no other choice. They would give their limbs to have someone like you as their mum. Keep strong.

paddy's_mum

It may sound a horrible thing to say, although I mean it kindly, but you may have to force yourself to switch off a bit from all your daughter's troubles. Easy to say, hard to do but if you don't, you will worry and fret yourself into a nervous breakdown!

She made - and is still making - choices and you don't have the right to protect her from learning from her own stupidities, however desperately your 'my baby' instinct pushes you.

I do feel for you so much. Wouldn't it be wonderful if these 'revolting teens' put as much effort into making life easier/happier as they do into fighting authority and common sense?

In the final analysis, nothing will be achieved until and unless your daughter chooses to alter her ways of thinking and behaving. There is only so much that you can do to help, support or influence her. Do you think that perhaps you need to accept that and take a mental step back before your health and sanity are badly compromised, with no gain to come from that eventuality?

miss_clarabelle

So sorry to read what you are going through. Sounds very similar to the situation a friend of my mum's was in with her son. I think you're definitely right to be strong and not let her come back to your house. Things clearly haven't changed, yet. Also, I agree that the second she is under your roof again she becomes your "problem" and no-one will help. This is what my mum's friend experienced.

You're clearly so upset and stressed by everything that has been going on, but you need to think about yourself. Who is looking after you whilst you're looking after her? Be strong, hold your ground and with time your daughter will hopefully learn from her mistakes. If you're always picking up the pieces then she won't learn the lessons she needs. Well done for being strong, it's really inspirational!

Savvy_Sue

determined_new_ms wrote: »

I'm beside myself with worry. My dd true to form is not helping herself in anyway and pushing the boundaries and sticking her fingers up to the ppl who are there to help. If I let her come home then we're back to where we were, nothing has changed. Pls advise what I should do now

I'm not saying this is easy, BUT you are CHOOSING to worry, just as your daughter is CHOOSING to go her way.

You just HAVE to keep moving your mind OFF your daughter and where she might be sleeping tonight.

Talk to yourself - out loud if you can - "Worrying about this doesn't help my DD, I do hope it will be a nice day tomorrow. Worrying about how cold it is doesn't help my DD, I shall go round the shops before I'm due to meet her and see if I can get that pair of shoes I've been looking for." You get the kind of thing ...

some of us mums never get the hang of it, and worry constantly about our offspring even after they've left home. Others of us just try not to think about it. For example, I often 'see' my absent sons online when I log into MSN. I don't lie awake worrying if I haven't 'seen' one for 24 hours though. Even if I suspect that they're out drinking to celebrate the end of term!

SuzySu

Determined....as the mother of a 16 year old daughter I really feel for what you are going through (and have been through already). I don't have any advice for you but admire your strength of character and resolve and hope that you and your daughter can start to build a relationship once again.

determined_new_ms

Thanks everyone for you advice. I'm trying not to worry, I know its futile and I also know that she is choosing not to work with the ppl who are there to help. I agree that maybe not having somewhere to live and the stark reality of that may make her sit up and think about what she's doing. I'm past having a breakdown now, was there a few years ago and became very unwell, had to have time off work, the thought of seeing ppl or even speaking to someone on the phone sparked a panic attack. I won't go there anymore and so even though at times over the past 2 days I've been close to calling her and saying "come home" I won't. Now's not the right time for that, and things will be the same as when she left. I desparately want her to have her lightbulb moment start picking herself up and then there may be negotiation for her to return home.

I spoke to a close friend yesterday who has contact with my dd and she is going to talk to her today and give her the info that she needs to be able to resolve this tomorrow. Hopefully she'll listen to her. I find it so shocking that she is so unresourceful and sabotages anything anyone does for her. She had the best chance in the hostel she was in, had her own flat with staff to support her and she has done some really stupid things and been evicted - will she ever learn??

Thank you for saying you can see I'm a loving mother. For so long I thought I was a "bad mum" but with time to breath without the daily onslaught I realise I was under extreme pressure, trying to cope with the pressures of single parenthood and having a difficult teen, debts, and then my dd doing everything she could to sabotage our lives. Its no wonder I was angry with her.