Heartbroken/Extremely difficult 16yr dd update pls advise

determined_new_ms

Sorry I can see that isn't clear I will only pay £15 off food (but in effect paying half of her rent). She keeps asking me for money but I won't give it to her as I do not want her spending money on things that aren't good for her.

Oldernotwiser

The more you pay for her living expenses, the more money she'll have available to spend on cannabis. It sounds to me, from experience, that this is a major cause of her problems and something I hope Social Services are addressing with her.

daniel_owen_uk

It's the same thing though, if she has £15 in her purse, and was going to buy food with it, if you pay £15 towards her food it effectively means the £15 she already had can be spent on "Cannabis".

I put it in quotes because I smoked cannabis for 10 years, worked all the way through it never stole from anyone! It's a non addictive drug! Ask her to be honest, is that all she is taking?

libbyc3

Hi determined,
just wanted to give some virtual support as the parent of another 'difficult' 16 yr old dd.
Dont know if you have seen my recent thread, but we are currently going through hell for different reasons, but I can relate to your situation in terms of you knowing she is lovely underneath and just not recognising the person she is currently presenting herself as.
having previously done work with homeless 16 yr olds, I would only say dont give her the money at the moment. The staff at the centre are well used to teens who have no money management skills and will be equipped to deal with it. she will come through this eventually and she needs to know that you think enough of yourself to put yourself first sometimes, if that means not changing your plans to run to her every time she calls.
Go for dinner with your colleages or arrange another night out for yourself, you need to take the time out so when she is ready to engage, so are you.
having said all that - I'm not doing such a good job of following my own advice!

paddy's_mum

As I read it, she has only been 'away' (ie not in your home) for a few weeks. She is now starting to ask you if she can come home. Why do you think she wants to come back to the place and the person that only a short time ago, she so despised and couldn't wait to escape?

Your instincts are telling you what's going on but your love is trying to find a way to over-ride the warnings. In your place, not a single penny of mine would go to the girl who has yet to earn it by virtue of her own efforts to bring about a more affectionate relationship. I agree wholeheartedly with thorsoak's suggestion of a weekly dinner date.

I'd also ask how will you feel if you go ahead with this £15 idea and she progresses to nastier stuff than cannabis? Is that what you go to work for - to help support a wicked industry that is going to take other people's children down the same filthy road?

You're in a horrd situation but allowing your own feelings to interfere with what logic dictates must happen before the unhappy situation improves is a short route to more of the same .. and I don't believe that you deserve that. Good luck.

determined_new_ms

wow everyone's replies are saying no, I just can't ever seem to make the "right" decision when it comes to my daughter. Things have been so tough that I am never quite sure what is for the best for her, she knows how to push all my buttons and has me bending over leaving her with absolutely no respect for me. I want to give her some "tough love" but I also can't bear to think of her suffering.

Thanks for all your advice, I think the weekly coming for dinner is a good idea, only hope she commits to it. I felt like such a fool on Saturday, dropping everything, letting my friends down and then spending the night in!

I spent some time with some friends I've known for some time last night, they've known all I've been through the last 4 years and one of them said to me "I don't know how you've coped with all the stress you've I have been through and still kept it together" I was shocked because in my mind I've always felt that everyone blames me because clearly I didn't do a good enough job. Apparently my friends don't think that. I honestly do not know anyone else who has been through what I have with her. From the verbal abuse (shortly before she left home 2 months ago I was either a W**** or a c*** on a daily basis, so much so while I know its not normal it became normal), the stealing off of me was outrageous, at one point I slept with anything that would have been of any value to her under my pillow and she still reguarly emptied my purse! She stole my OH's mobile serveral times and obviously began being violent in Dec.

Having said all of this I didn't struggle for 4 years to watch everything fall apart now...

Again, thanks

Oldernotwiser

daniel_owen_uk wrote: »

I put it in quotes because I smoked cannabis for 10 years, worked all the way through it never stole from anyone! It's a non addictive drug! Ask her to be honest, is that all she is taking?

If, like me, you've smoked cannabis many years ago, it was far less powerful and addictive than the stuff that's smoked these days.

RAS

determined_new_ms wrote: »

Thanks for all your advice, I think the weekly coming for dinner is a good idea, only hope she commits to it. I

I would actually suggest that coming for dinner might not be a good idea. It might be better if you take her out to dinner or lunch somewhere public for the first few times?

That might encourage rather better behaviour thaan she seems to find possible when under your roof, it lessens the scope for her to steal again and it removes the scope for her to find that she cannot get home afterwards and then she ends up staying overnight?

paddy's_mum

I don't think "everyone" blames you. I certainly don't. It's you who is blaming yourself and perhaps the feelings of guilt and failure are the directions your counselling could be going in?

I also think that there is something you need to think very deeply about. While you're doing all this blaming yourself thing, has it ever occurred to you that your daughter is not a pure and simple victim but a willing participant too!!? She's not a puppet - she's a thinking individual who has made choices, and it's too simplistic by half to blame problems from the past for all that goes wrong in life.

I've got a relative that spent half his adult life in prison for a string of stupid thefts. He was an utterly selfish person, unfaithful, a bully .. you name it, the description fitted. His children could not have suffered more - poverty, shame, ostracism, 'no smoke without fire', 'like father, like son'. And yet those children are now fine citizens with grown children of their own and every single one of them is a worthwhile member of their community.

They chose to be different and so has your daughter. Her immaturity and father troubles are clearly part of the problem but not all of it and that's why I say that if you know you've done your best - even if it backfired - you have nothing to be beating yourself up about. Who was it said on here recently that kids unfortunately don't come with an instruction manual? That comment made me laugh out loud because it is so true ...

I reared three girls through their difficult teenage years and I was a rebellious teen myself so I do sympathise - I just wanted to say to you that it does get better and that the waiting years might be easier if you could be brought to see that you're not a perpetrator of wicked acts. You're just a Mum, trying to do her best and, like most of us, sometimes getting it 'wrong'. All credit to you for all the years and times when you got it exactly right - did you ever give yourself a gold star for that?

Hang in there. One day she'll see that your love is constant. She wouldn't dream of telling you but she already knows it for otherwise there wouldn't be any of this push your buttons manipulation. What does your OH think/say about it all?

Kay_Peel

I'm so sorry to hear about domestic abuse - whether it's from a partner or a child - and I felt a twinge of guilt when I read what you said about the lack of sympathy from your friends. I'm a friend of a lovely lady with a horror of a son and frankly I'm worn out by the way she fuels the abuse.

It's rather like talking to a woman who will not recognise domestic violence and who blames herself for her partner's rages, jealousies and cruelties. She shrugs her shoulders when he steals, burgles her home, damages property, hits her and demeans her - and still shoves a tenner in his pocket if he blesses her with a visit.

Of course you can never leave your children, so it's not quite the same thing, but you can recognise the behaviour for what it is and deal with it.

RAS made the same suggestion that I would. Take control over the relationship and arrange to meet in public places. The child will have to behave themselves and manage their abusive behaviour, as well as getting used to relating to you in a reasonable way.

Best wishes to you - you've reminded me to contact my friend and her support her until she gets that lightbulb moment of insight into the abuse.