Some advice needed

Stephb1986_2

feelinggood wrote: »

If his Dad wouldn't move out, would you not move in? Would you still marry?

No I won't move in you couldn't pay me enough to move in. We would probably still get married but just live together at the weekend like the situation we're in at the moment.

No I wouldn't move in even if FIL2B wasn't there I just don't want to live there simple as. My OH only has a sister and she knows the score with everything she has even stuck up for OH when his dad has started.

iamana1ias

Stephb1986 wrote: »

No I won't move in you couldn't pay me enough to move in. We would probably still get married but just live together at the weekend like the situation we're in at the moment.

And when those kids come along...............?

feelinggood_2

I'd live in a cave if it meant being with my husband. Are you really ready for marriage? Do you really want to be his wife?

Stephb1986_2

feelinggood wrote: »

I'd live in a cave if it meant being with my husband. Are you really ready for marriage? Do you really want to be his wife?

You aint met his dad. Course I want to be his wife but I don't see why I should move out of my parents house to move in with someone elses parent and take on his dads debts! Just because I don't want to put up with his dad doesn't mean I don't want to marry him.

Stephb1986_2

I really don't have a problem with his dad apart from if I move into that house and contribute like I should do I will be paying off his dads debts because they were added onto the mortgage too. I have alot of money in bonds ect ect why should I give up that to pay for his dad's mistakes? What benefit do I get out of it? When his dad doesn't pay a penny? I don't see how that is financially fair on me I've worked hard for money I've got I have no debts at all I've got a new car and everything I want (possession wise)

If my OH wasn't paying for this house and it was still his dads then buying a house for the two of us is a fresh start and what most couples do I don't see the problem in that? You don't go into a relationship thinking well I'm going to have (who ever) living with us till the day they die do you? You think that one day you will get a house, get married or what ever and possibly have kids.

The house I live in now with my mum and step dad didn't and sometimes still doesn't feel like my home as my step dad had the house before he met my mum with his ex wife and daughter even though it's been totally re decorated she still walks in and lords it over me like I don't belong here and thats the same feeling I have when I'm over at my OH's house I don't like feeling like that and I don't see why I should have to feel like that if it is going to be my home.

I really do love my OH he is the best thing that has ever happened to me and this situation we're in doesn't stop me from wanting to marry him it just stops me wanting to move into a house that he lives in. I can totally understand why he wants to stay in the house as he's grew up in it but at the same time I have a nice bedroom with everything I want in it I have a comfortable home to live in it's warm and everything his house isn't why would I want to give that up to live with his dad in a house that is freezing because there is a massive hole in the side of it it's un decorated they have only just bought a sofa! I have even offered to pay for the hole to be fixed and for decorating materials I even have bathroom tiles in my garage here to go in the bathroom but they aren't interested I don't think it's too much to ask to live in a nice house is it?

I really think I'm going to sit down and explain to him the reasons why I don't want to move in then the decision is his. I'm not being selfish I know it does sound like it a bit and I'm a total cow for not wanting to live and care for his dad but sometimes we need our own space and with him around we don't get it. I get on with his dad most of the time and he isn't a massive problem but his debts are to me. They are that bad you can't get a catalog account in the address I love shopping!

I hope that I've made myself clear in what I'm trying to say and not that it's all about his dad when part of it is and part of it isn't.

tabskitten

i think you need to worry about this in about 3 years and 6 months time!!

Wol2

Well, for what its worth, here's my two pennyworth.

A good partnership does not require you to "self destruct" to prove your love for him. You need to keep your sense of self...you have explained your reasons and I think you are seeing the possible "writing on the wall" and making sure you protect yourself by deciding now what you will and wont put up with and what could harm you personally in the future. That is admirable :T. I have spent 48 years NOT protecting myself because of "what other people think"

Stick with what works for you..but please please start communicating with your intended now..If the relationship falters as a result then I'm sorry to say that no matter how much you love him, he may not be the man for you.

Compromise in a relationship is good - but not if it means the destruction of one of the partners. That is not love (on either side) .and if someone is pressured into making that kind of decision because of what others think..then it's either suicide...or (not saying that this is so in your case but certainly bearing in mind some of the other threads I've seen on here on "controllers".)....tantamount to murder....

Hugs Hun
xxxx

Savvy_Sue

Stephb1986 wrote: »

But its not his house he doesnt pay any of the bills at all. Yes he can prove he pays the mortgage as it's out of his bank account and his dad doesn't have a bank account because he is blacklisted because he is in that much debt. How could he seriously afford a mortgage if he doesn't work?

The house 'belongs' to whoever's name is on the deeds. There have been a few frauds where someone has managed to change the name on the deeds without the person who lives in the house (and owns it!) realising, and it's been difficult for the true owner to PROVE they own it!

and you don't have to have a mortgage to own a house, so whether your OH's father could get one or not is irrelevant.

Stephb1986 wrote: »

There is an agreement that after 5 years he will sign the house over to my OH whether it will happen or not is another story! I don't know what he is expecting long term but if you lived in one of your childrens houses could you expect to live there till your dying day even though they have their own life to lead?

If that was the agreement, then yes, you could.

Stephb1986 wrote: »

You aint met his dad. Course I want to be his wife but I don't see why I should move out of my parents house to move in with someone elses parent and take on his dads debts! Just because I don't want to put up with his dad doesn't mean I don't want to marry him.

No-one is saying that you have to move into this house. But equally, no-one can do anything about it if you don't raise the subject with your fiance.

It's not actually your future FIL's behaviour which worries me, it's your fiance's. He believes it's HIS house, he's paying the bills, he's paying the mortgage, and yet he's left a gaping hole in an external wall, hasn't decorated, and has no furniture. You've made suggestions, you have even bought tiles, and he doesn't want to know ...

JBD

Personally, I would tell my fiance that I expected to live in my own marital home. I would expect him to move out of his fathers home and buy or rent a home with me, at full market price, the same as other couples do. In fact I would be wanting to do that now rather than waiting to get married.

Pollycat

Steph
I said this on the other thread:

Steph
Have you really discussed your future life and living arrangements with your OH?
If you haven't (and in the same terms as you've used here) then I think you need to do it pretty soon.
You say your OH THINKS you'll be moving in with him - but you say you don't THINK it will work.
It needs to be out in the open - and NOW, not 4 years down the line.

Four years might seem a long time but you might find yourself getting more and more resentful of what your OH expects your new life together to be like - and that will take its toll on the relationship.

FWIW, I totally agree with most of the reasons that you list against NOT moving in with your OH.
THIS one I'm not so sure about.

Quote:
7. He works nights so will be like passing ships
Surely regardless of where you live, if your OH works nights it'll be the same.

However, I can see that being in the house in the evening with your OH's Dad while your OH is at work could make the situation even worse for you to put up with.

Good luck.

From your later posts, there is a big issue about the house your OH pays the mortgage on.

do have a strong feeling that his dad won't sign the deeds over though but there is not much I can say about that really. Obviously if he gets the message that I am not moving in there and we look at another house but his dad doesn't agree to sell I'm sure he would stop paying the mortgage or evict his dad.

If his dad's name is on the deeds, how can your OH evict him?
It's the Dad's house - according to the law.
And if anything happened to the Dad, with no will in place, your OH might find himself sharing out the house he's been paying the mortgage on with his sister. :eek:

I think you & your OH need to talk and decide what's going to happen when (or if) you do get married.
Then your OH need to consider the legal position between him and his father regarding the house.