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12yr old looking at unsuitable content

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  • Hermia
    Hermia Posts: 4,473 Forumite
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    Curiosity is normal and healthy. But how he views women is an important issue as is respecting the house rules. How you play it probably depends on your views on pornography. Either you can ban it and explain why, enforcing this with suitable consequences if he breaks your rules, or you can allow him to look at it but on the understanding that you have frank discussions about respecting women, sex, the difference between these fantasy pictures and real life etc etc.

    I totally agree. I think talking about this in the context of his views of women is really important as a lot of young men have very worrying views based on what they see in !!!!!! etc. Plus I do think a lot depends on what he was looking at. If it was glamour shots of beautiful actresses I don't think there is that much to worry about (although you might want to point out it's all fantasy. I remember my cousin being horrified when he discovered that real women are not completely hairless). If the internet had been around when I was that age I'm sure I would have been trying to find nudey pictures of the actors I fancied! If he is looking at hardcore !!!!!! or derogatory images than I think you need to have a serious chat with him.

    I don't think 12 is too young. Hormones start churning at a young age and we live in a very sexualised culture. Children now grow up seeing soft-!!!!!! style images of women and references to sex everywhere they look.

    I would be more worried about the fact that he is not trying to protect his younger sibling. He needs to know that whilst what he is doing is normal, it's also private and he should have respect for his sibling and for your rules.
  • Indie_Kid
    Indie_Kid Posts: 23,095 Forumite
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    mrcow wrote: »
    Personally as a mother, I'd prefer it if he was looking at magazines (where content is limited) rather than the internet where anything can go and others can see it (or it can be cached etc)

    How do you feel about his dad getting him a magazine - as long as you (or anyone else) never sees it again?

    It's hard - but for boys it is a normal part of growing up.

    As much as I hate !!!!!!, I think this is a sensible suggestion. However, something would have to be done so that the younger sibling can't get hold it.
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  • bestpud
    bestpud Posts: 11,048 Forumite
    What sort of picture are they OP?

    I agree that makes a big difference to the way you handle it.

    My issues would be less him looking at women than him disobeying you and not taking steps to prevent his brother stumbling across them.

    Is it the images you want him to feel ashamed about, or going against the rules?

    This is why I've always preferred to educate my children rather than turn the computer into 'fort knox'. I don't think you can stop it as such tbh.

    I often think how we looked up rude words in a dictionary when I was young and how they probably tap the word into google now!

    I also remember my cousin collected pictures of boobs he'd cut out of any magazine/catalogue he could find!

    It's what children do!

    Time for a chat about responsibility I think. If he can't take responsibility for ensuring his younger brother doesn't see inappropriate images/sites, then he is not mature enough to be using the internet unsupervised. That's the angle I'd come from anyway.
  • amandada
    amandada Posts: 1,168 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    I think you have to accept this now.
    It's time he had his own comp really.


    That;s the worst thing you could do with a 12 year old!!! 12 year old children (because that's what they are) shouldn't be unsupervised when using the net. I don't necessarily mean you should be looking over their shoulder the entire time they're online, but the computer they're using should be in a "public" part of the house, not hidden away in bedrooms.

    There's a HUGE campaign ongoing just now, as a lot of parents simply don't realise just how vulnerable youngsters are when online.

    I'm the mother of a 12 year old and can't believe how naive/ignorant so many people are

    This site is worth a look http://clickcleverclicksafe.direct.gov.uk/index.html
  • eklynne
    eklynne Posts: 2,396 Forumite
    amandada wrote: »
    That;s the worst thing you could do with a 12 year old!!! 12 year old children (because that's what they are) shouldn't be unsupervised when using the net. I don't necessarily mean you should be looking over their shoulder the entire time they're online, but the computer they're using should be in a "public" part of the house, not hidden away in bedrooms.

    There's a HUGE campaign ongoing just now, as a lot of parents simply don't realise just how vulnerable youngsters are when online.

    I'm the mother of a 12 year old and can't believe how naive/ignorant so many people are

    This site is worth a look http://clickcleverclicksafe.direct.gov.uk/index.html
    I completely disagree. Yes, put parental blocks on your pc by all means, but you can't police everything they do on it. A bit of trust in young people goes a long long way. 12 year olds nowadays are far more grown up than they were as little as 20-30 years ago. The internet is second nature to kids now.
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  • amandada
    amandada Posts: 1,168 Forumite
    1,000 Posts Combo Breaker
    edited 11 February 2010 pm28 7:36PM
    eklynne wrote: »
    I completely disagree. Yes, put parental blocks on your pc by all means, but you can't police everything they do on it. A bit of trust in young people goes a long long way. 12 year olds nowadays are far more grown up than they were as little as 20-30 years ago. The internet is second nature to kids now.

    Entirely your prerogative, but in the job I do, I see/hear first hand some of the results of not monitoring their use.
    I think that a lot of the time it's not so much about what an individual child can be doing online, but if they maybe have some pals round, peer pressure can lead children, no matter how mature they are, to do things which ordinarily would be out of character.

    Don't get me wrong, my dd uses msn etc, but she does so with the knowledge that her chat is saved on the pc and I can access it at any time. In the 3 years or so she's used it, I've NEVER looked, because I've never felt there's been the need, and she knows I've not accessed it. Ditto her email
  • bestpud
    bestpud Posts: 11,048 Forumite
    edited 11 February 2010 pm28 8:11PM
    amandada wrote: »
    Entirely your prerogative, but in the job I do, I see/hear first hand some of the results of not monitoring their use.
    I think that a lot of the time it's not so much about what an individual child can be doing online, but if they maybe have some pals round, peer pressure can lead children, no matter how mature they are, to do things which ordinarily would be out of character.

    Don't get me wrong, my dd uses msn etc, but she does so with the knowledge that her chat is saved on the pc and I can access it at any time. In the 3 years or so she's used it, I've NEVER looked, because I've never felt there's been the need, and she knows I've not accessed it. Ditto her email

    I'm not happy with the idea of children having their own computer either, particularly those who have them in their room, and webcams are even worse.

    I was contacted by the school once to say my dd (then 14) had been with a friend when the friend had sent a stupid email to a teacher's home email address - she apprently gave it out to children in her classes so they could contact her with exam/coursework queries over the holidays and she was, understandably, upset the friend had abused it in this way.

    DD was there and knew about one email but the friend had then gone on to send several other, more unpleasant, ones when dd wasn't with her. DD is usually very sensible so I can see how they become different when with others, although she didn't know her friend had sent more of them.

    I have also seen some awful (imo) pictures my niece took with her friend and then placed on FB. They were about 14/15 at the time and their clothing didn't leave much to the imagination, but it was the poses they were doing that made me feel quite sick. They just thought it was a laugh! :eek:

    I'm waffling now but I'm basically saying I can see what you mean and I agree internet usage should be monitored, if only from a distance.

    Personally I think it is better to educate them about the dangers and let them know you are about - so prevention rather than cure really I guess. Covert software seems to be the wrong approach as I prefer mine to know I may be watching.

    I don't think we can stop it, but we can make them think imo.

    I also agree it is scary how many parents are clueless when it comes to computers!
  • mqandy
    mqandy Posts: 196 Forumite
    Whatever happened to dirty magazines stuffed into hedges?

    I'd say keep some sort of not-too-obstructing parental controls on. That way, even if he does get around them, hopefully he'll do a good job of covering his tracks!
  • My son was 11 and had started secondary school when I noticed he'd been looking at women online - he didn't know how to delete his history, and I noticed 'boobs' 'breasts' 'women' 'girls' 'ladies' (!) but nothing worse had been googled. He'd been onto one site which I then went on to - the thing is, he obviously was just naturally wanting to look at pictures, but there were links to all sorts of crap - sex with animals, etc.

    It's natural for them to want to look at pictures of women (or men) at that age - the trouble is, I think, that they are developing and getting aroused easily and if they then start to click on sick pictures, they can find they are aroused by those, too. I think just about anything turns them on at that age, but if there's sick material out there, it can completely corrupt them.

    In my case, I told my son I was taking the computer into work because I thought there was a virus on it - I said they'd have a good look at it and see whether anything that had been downloaded 'like your music files' had anything wrong with it. Poor lad, I've never seen anything else on the computer (though he did pretty quickly learn how to delete the history!)

    Is there any way he and his sister could have different log-ins? That would mean she can't see what he's up to, if there's no other solution.
  • richardw
    richardw Posts: 19,458 Forumite
    Part of the Furniture 10,000 Posts
    familyof4 wrote: »
    The laptop he used is shared with his younger sibling so it's really not on.

    Place lap top in living area where the screen is in full view of all of the family.

    Don't allow removal of lap top from the designated place.
    Posts are not advice and must not be relied upon.
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