Letter to my MIL (more a rant!)

red_devil

pokey128 wrote: »

Dear M
why do you feel the need to treat me the way you do? I'm not and never have been trying to take D away from you and yet you treat me in such a way that I feel completely worthless and its really not fair. It was bad enough before N was born and you used to call to invite D over for dinner without me but maybe that was because you didn't think that I would last with him so when we were pregnant I really thought that things would change. I can remember so clearly when D called to tell you i was pregnant (he had put it on speaker phone) and your first reaction was to ask if we were keeping it which we were slightly taken aback by but given how you have never hidden how much you dislike me and this would mean that I would be forever tied to your family I should have expected it.

Once N was born I made a lot of effort to make sure we came to see you as often as possible but it did get tiring when it was clear that no effort was being made from your side. You may find it hard to believe but often when we came to see you it was me that instigated it and not D.

As you may recall, just after Christmas you called to say that you wanted to spend some alone time with N so that he could get to know you (he knows most of my friends a lot better than any of you) and it was all arranged for you to take him to the Botanics. What a surprise when it turned out that this was never going to happen and instead you were just going to take him back to your flat were you could watch him play rather than spend any proper time with him. Not only that but D had to go with him as he didn't want to left with strangers. After that one time you then decided that it was too cold to spend any further time with him and that was that. Once this new baby arrives we obviously won't want N to feel left out so we won't be in a position to see you as often - it would be much better for N to spend time with people he knows rather than strangers. All it would have taken is a little effort on your part and you could have had him as often as you wanted.

You seem to think that by buying all those Christmas presents it showed how much you loved him and whilst they were appreciated the fact he had been gived 2 of them last christmas by other people just showed how little attention you have given him and that attention is much more valuable than presents.

I had a really bad relationship with my paternal grandmother who, like you, was a bitter and twisted woman who treated my Mum like garbage and had very little time for her grandchildren. I feel sorry for you that you are probably going to have that kind of relationship with your grandchildren and you should be so happy that dD has turned out the way he has which has probably a lot to do with all the support you were given by your mother when he was small

i also think that if your mil is treating you badly then its up to your partner/husband to stand up to her! His loyalty should be to you.

If she cared about her sons happiness then she wouldnt do what you say she is doing?

butterflylady131

I have problems with my In Laws, and it is very frustrating, hurtful and hard to deal with. In my case they just took a dislike to me because I happen to be happy with their son. As long as he's happy, I am and my lovely step daughter are, they can do and say what they like, but it's taken me 5 long years to get o this stage. I'm not saying that everything they do and say washes over me, but a huge part of the battle is knowing how to handle the challenge.

And it's like I said to my husband last week when we were having a lovely evening out, I didn't get married to get divorced, he's stuck with me, and so are they, like it or not!

Kay_Peel

A letter to my son's partner

Dear S

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL and I hope that you and I can have the same. You've had a tough life and already I feel very maternal towards you. It looks like my son has chosen you as his life partner, anyway, so I'm going to give it 100%. I understand that I will never be as close to you as your own mother and all your sisters and brother and that it won't be the same as the strong bond that I feel for my daughter. No-one prepares you for the role of mother-in-law, so I'm just going to have to learn as I go along.

There are some things that really worry me. You have no energy and you are often ill. You spend whole weekends in bed. You are anxious, sensitive and cry easily. You are clingy, lack confidence and depend on my son so much. In truth, I wanted him to find a strong, supportive partner with bags of energy and a love of life. He will need a lot of support and I don't want him to worry about you. I have no idea how you will cope when he's in Afghanistan.

He loves children and you don't. He wants a family. I want him to have a family and a happy home.

I know in my heart that you are not right for him, but I would never say it. Instead, I will look after you while he is away and act as though you were everything I wished and hoped and prayed for. It's not your fault that you are this way. He has chosen you. You are beautiful, sweet and kind but so different to what I expected.

Much love


Golly - that's the first time I've allowed myself to think these hidden thoughts. Thanks for the opportunity, OP - hope you didn't mind me butting in with my own troubles!

foxy-roxy

It is interesting to get the MIL point of view, as we always here the bad stories about MIL and not the other way round.
It must be horrible to be in a position where you KNOW the girl your son is with is not good enough.
Also, vice versa with daughters.
How long have they been together Kay?

Kay_Peel

foxy-roxy wrote: »

It must be horrible to be in a position where you KNOW the girl your son is with is not good enough.
Also, vice versa with daughters.
How long have they been together Kay?

They've been together for 18 months. The poor girl had a bad start in her childhood and it has left her very fragile. I just know that she won't manage very well as an army wife - all the anxiety and separation will make her worse.

She'd probably be happier with a full-time husband who devotes himself to caring for her and who does not want a family. My son might be happier with a stronger, happy-go-lucky person who wants a family as badly as he does.

I can only stand on the side-lines and watch, worriedly. Or should I say something before they both sign up to years of misery? No, I don't think it's my place to. Oh heck!

Thanks for listening.

misgrace

I know exactly where your coming from Kay, as I am in similar shoes, and all I can do is stand in the background.:(

Person_one

Kay_Peel wrote: »

A letter to my son's partner

Dear S

I have a wonderful relationship with my MIL and I hope that you and I can have the same. You've had a tough life and already I feel very maternal towards you. It looks like my son has chosen you as his life partner, anyway, so I'm going to give it 100%. I understand that I will never be as close to you as your own mother and all your sisters and brother and that it won't be the same as the strong bond that I feel for my daughter. No-one prepares you for the role of mother-in-law, so I'm just going to have to learn as I go along.

There are some things that really worry me. You have no energy and you are often ill. You spend whole weekends in bed. You are anxious, sensitive and cry easily. You are clingy, lack confidence and depend on my son so much. In truth, I wanted him to find a strong, supportive partner with bags of energy and a love of life. He will need a lot of support and I don't want him to worry about you. I have no idea how you will cope when he's in Afghanistan.

He loves children and you don't. He wants a family. I want him to have a family and a happy home.

I know in my heart that you are not right for him, but I would never say it. Instead, I will look after you while he is away and act as though you were everything I wished and hoped and prayed for. It's not your fault that you are this way. He has chosen you. You are beautiful, sweet and kind but so different to what I expected.

Much love


Golly - that's the first time I've allowed myself to think these hidden thoughts. Thanks for the opportunity, OP - hope you didn't mind me butting in with my own troubles!

Kay, I felt so hurt and upset on your DIL's behalf when I read this. She doesn't sound like a bad person at all, why doesn't she deserve your son's love if he wants to give it to her?

Does he seem happy? Confident, well adjusted people (like your son) don't stay in unhappy relationships for 18 months. Are you so sure he wants a family or is that what you always assumed? Maybe he sees something in her from spending so much time with her and he is helping her to overcome her problems and blossom into an energetic, confident person who will then be good enough for you/him?

Also, if you are acting caring and kind to her in person, she probably thinks of you as a supportive friend and would be devastated to find out how you really feel. Please don't let her ever find out.

paddy's_mum

For many people, being needed is a huge part of their love for their partner and worth much sacrifice.

If it's any consolation, Kay Peel, she at least doesn't sound the type to be off partying and living it up on his money the moment his back is turned

RadoJo

Memory_Girl wrote: »

You know the saying "you can choose your friends - but not your family".

Well if it were me (not that that counts for anything) - I would choose for her not to be your kids granny - but look around on your street for some sweet ol dear who would love to be involved. Could have had hundreds of them when walking the bb around in his handknits -he just seemed to attract them.

My "Grannie" is now my Mums best friend - despite the 20 odd year age gap. They meet ever week for lunch and she is counting the days until DS the second is weaned and he can accompany her to the Chinese Buffet every Thursday (just as she did with my eldest) In fact they got up to all sorts of glorious adventures when he was younger and not in school.

As I was reading your OP I was thinking exactly this - there are plenty of older people who either don't have family or they don't live nearby who would probably love a visit every couple of weeks from you and the kids. Plus it would teach your kids to seek out the people who appreciate them and love them and not to let themselves be treated badly by people who don't have any kindness in them which would be a lovely lesson for them as they grow up. I believe there are 'Adopt a Granny' schemes around and if not in your area, maybe you could start one of your own, or just go maverick and do it on your own!

RadoJo

Also, just a quick one to Kay Peel - I am a confident, strong, outgoing person who my MIL would probably describe in exactly the opposite way you have described your son's OH (I hope!) but I can also be clingy and needy sometimes and would have a nervous breakdown after 10 minutes if my OH was in the army. What I mean is, she might just surprise you - if she has had a hard time in the past then she might be stronger than you think, and if she seems needy, maybe it's just because she's enjoying her first taste of security and love from your son.

I can completely understand how you feel, but instead of worrying about her, why not have faith in your son and the fact that you have brought him up in such a way that he will bring out the best in her, build her confidence and strength and help her become the person you hoped he would be with - he has chosen her for a reason and maybe it's because he's confident and strong enough for both of them at the moment and can see a future where she is happier and they both support each other. I certainly think that what you have said about how you will try to treat her is great because it means you'll be carrying on your son's good work while he's gone and they'll both thank you for it!