Letter to my MIL (more a rant!)

pokey128

Dear M
why do you feel the need to treat me the way you do? I'm not and never have been trying to take D away from you and yet you treat me in such a way that I feel completely worthless and its really not fair. It was bad enough before N was born and you used to call to invite D over for dinner without me but maybe that was because you didn't think that I would last with him so when we were pregnant I really thought that things would change. I can remember so clearly when D called to tell you i was pregnant (he had put it on speaker phone) and your first reaction was to ask if we were keeping it which we were slightly taken aback by but given how you have never hidden how much you dislike me and this would mean that I would be forever tied to your family I should have expected it.

Once N was born I made a lot of effort to make sure we came to see you as often as possible but it did get tiring when it was clear that no effort was being made from your side. You may find it hard to believe but often when we came to see you it was me that instigated it and not D.

As you may recall, just after Christmas you called to say that you wanted to spend some alone time with N so that he could get to know you (he knows most of my friends a lot better than any of you) and it was all arranged for you to take him to the Botanics. What a surprise when it turned out that this was never going to happen and instead you were just going to take him back to your flat were you could watch him play rather than spend any proper time with him. Not only that but D had to go with him as he didn't want to left with strangers. After that one time you then decided that it was too cold to spend any further time with him and that was that. Once this new baby arrives we obviously won't want N to feel left out so we won't be in a position to see you as often - it would be much better for N to spend time with people he knows rather than strangers. All it would have taken is a little effort on your part and you could have had him as often as you wanted.

You seem to think that by buying all those Christmas presents it showed how much you loved him and whilst they were appreciated the fact he had been gived 2 of them last christmas by other people just showed how little attention you have given him and that attention is much more valuable than presents.

I had a really bad relationship with my paternal grandmother who, like you, was a bitter and twisted woman who treated my Mum like garbage and had very little time for her grandchildren. I feel sorry for you that you are probably going to have that kind of relationship with your grandchildren and you should be so happy that dD has turned out the way he has which has probably a lot to do with all the support you were given by your mother when he was small

pokey128

Sorry about that - really needed it off my chest - I hate her and being 39 weeks pregnant just now doesn't really help!! I lost my Mum when I was 15 and so feel really unsupported just now. Any advice appreciated xx

mrcow

Pokey - take some advice from someone who has been there (and I can show you the scars if you like!):

It doesn't matter.

Take a step back. Stop trying to please her or trying to make her into the type of grandparent you want her to be/think she should be. Stop worrying about going round there or how much she sees the kids etc. That's her problem. Not yours. She can sort it out with her son.

If you insist on having a battle about things, there will be no winners. Only losers. Chill out. Take a step back. Breathe. And say to yourself "I don't mind anymore". And really mean it.

You can't change people.

Ever.

minimoneysaver

Chin up and stick to your guns. If that is the way that she has behaved, she deserves nothing more than the letter. Just wish I had got the guts to send something like that to my ex's parents.... they are beyond awful! No idea of what love is. Very sad lives people like that must live. Good luck and keep smiling.... don't let the b*ggers get you down. x

mrcow

Oh - was that a real letter?!

For goodness sakes! - whatever you do - don't send it!

Minxy_Bella

mrcow wrote: »

Pokey - take some advice from someone who has been there (and I can show you the scars if you like!):

It doesn't matter.

Take a step back. Stop trying to please her or trying to make her into the type of grandparent you want her to be/think she should be. Stop worrying about going round there or how much she sees the kids etc. That's her problem. Not yours. She can sort it out with her son.

If you insist on having a battle about things, there will be no winners. Only losers. Chill out. Take a step back. Breathe. And say to yourself "I don't mind anymore". And really mean it.

You can't change people.

Ever.

Exactly this ^^^

Take care of yourself and your kids and let your OH deal with his mother. Best of luck with the impending arrival!

xx

Errata

Not everyone can be the perfect MIL or grandma, or mum or dad or child or sibling.
They can't be made to change but if those around them change that often results in them changing.
Often writing things down is enough to vent some feelings, and pseudo letters to someone can be a good way of doing this, but it's probably best for everyone that they remain pseudo and aren't sent.

pokey128

Thanks everyone. I didn't send the letter - wish i had the guts to but it would open up even more of a can of worms!

S1976

Hi,

Ohh no do not send the letter I have problems with my MIL too, she is a bitter, twisted and spitefull alcholic who was never a good mother herself and over the years has over stepped the mark on quite a few occasions. I could tell you stories that would make your hair curl and fall out! She hates the fact her son is with someone like me, her house being filthy where as mine is very clean we are total opposites in every single thing. But you know what... thats her problem, she's his mother and that's where it ends, we only put up with her for FIL sake. Be under no illusion you have to try and get this woman on side as such - ignore her trust me it's not worth the heartache or worry.

savingmummy

The last time i saw my MIL was my wedding day (she was dragged there).
She sees me almost everyday and just blanks me, she has never seen her 2 grandchildren and never contacts us - reasons?......she dont like me!
Her eldest son lives opposite my parents and they all completely ignore me and my family including her son (my DH)

From day one of us being together she would not except me and has always left me out of anything ie, me sitting in the car when DH popped in to see her.

We have never rowed or anything yet when DH said why dont you like S she would say ` NOTHING`.

We suffered with infertility and they knew this we had no support or anything. I suffered an ectopic and a missed miscarriage and she was very nasty when told!

Her loss hun not yours xx

Zazen999

Would you REALLY want your kids to know her better? Sounds like they are better off without her in their lives.

And, what Mr Cow said. Her loss, not yours.