New year, New me (finally)

thrifty_fifty

Morning all

Sounds a bit yucky outside today, lots of wrapped up comfort clothes today I think. Had quite a good weekend although the pump has gone on the washing machine AGAIN!!!! last time it was three months ago. See this is the annoying side of renting, yes landlord supplies white goods, but they are cheap a chips white goods of some brand I've never heard of, and consequently lodger has to pay for repairs frequently (the pump has stopped working three times now in as many years).

OH and I have sworn that when we buy our own place in around 2012/13 (can't wait), that we are forking out a bit on the white goods and buying german. Miele here I come.

thrifty_fifty

Ok so washing machine man was supposed to be here at 4.30 and nearly 6 and he isn't here yet. I have foregone my lunchbreak today so that I may leave early, what a waste of time.

I can feel myself slipping into some kind of gloom again, so here I am to stop myself.

What am I going to call my new diary. I'm not going to start it until January, but its worth thinking ahead. What do you think?

'like a bat out of hell, the last push in my debt free journey'?
'power to the payers'
'just when I thought I was out, I was, and they didn't draw me back in' Yes I do like the godfather by the way.
'You'll never take me alive'
' 50p, get debt free or die tryin' kind of a fiddy cent thing going on with that one.
'Have you had enough of me defying your interest, or are you thirsty for more?' Home alone 1, classic.

xx

thrifty_fifty

Or perhaps.....

'kiss my debt free Asssss'

thrifty_fifty

Just had a lovely thought....This is my last 'in debt' christmas. Yay.

thrifty_fifty

Was really excited this morning because this is the day Barclaycard allocate the payment to give me my total above (cc2). Sad I know, but I can't believe its happening, it's really happening, I'll have cleared my first debt by january pay day (25th), although I'm going to try and push for December. It's going to feel weird when the day comes and I'm debt free. I'm so used to not having any money and it all going on debts.

OH and I sat at the breakfast and worked it all out. By the end of next year we'll both be debt free, by the end of 2013 we should have a 30k house deposit. We're going to feel so rich after this, over a thousand pounds a month free'd up by clearing our debts. It's almost like a mini lottery win.

karom

Hello, I stumbled across your diary this morning and absolutely love it. Read the 1st post and fast forward to the last page to see progress and what a progress. Very well done

Agree with you on the boots advert and do like the "power to the payers" although "kiss my debt free Asssss" is quite good (may upset some minds ??? potentially).

Good luck

little_h_2

Hi thrifty, I have also been having positive thoughts about 2013 too, I will be out of debt by then (even if nothing changes and I can only clear debt at the current rate) and like you, can't imagine how it will feel when I have so much more left over each month!

what a fab thought, your last christmas in debt! :beer:

thrifty_fifty

Oh my goodness. My life seems insane at the moment. I have just come home from the worst day ever, only to find an interview invitation for next week, on a job I had given up hope on. I can't even remember half the details of the job now. Better get swatting up. I'm excited, I'm scared I won't be able to do it. Eeek!

thrifty_fifty

OK

So now I'm starting to panic, because this means change. Eek. I will therefore write down all the things that are scaring me and ask myself why they scare me, as I promised I would do everytime I am scared or stressed about something.

Why am I scared? What can I do?

It's new, it's a management position and I have never managed anyone in my life ever.

I can get lots of management and leadership training, and go on confidence building courses.

Why shouldn't I worry? Because... oh i don't know:(

thrifty_fifty

This is less of a diary entry, more of a therapy session for me, so do feel free to skip on if you wish.

Re the interview, just woke up in the wee hours of the morning, panicking about if I get the job. The end of my notice period would be over Christmas, and both employers don't start back until 4 Jan, so do I get paid, or don't I by either place? Do I lose holiday rights because the work place is physically not open over that period?

Anyway, more to the point, I had a panic attack, proper full on dread, chest pains, tears, wondering if I'm capable of working etc etc (of course there's no question there, I need to money, so no choice).

I haven't had one for a while and it was so completely out of the blue. Most people's reaction to having a job interview would be joy. Not me. It's sheer panic, and I'm already worrying about whether I'll make it through the probationary period and get discovered as a fraud, who can't really do the job.

In esscence this is all the feelings about the last job which it is now two years since I left. The new job is at the same place, so I don't know whether this is like some kind of post traumatic stress thing, where I fear going back to the crime scene, and I feel that the same sequence of events is going to unfold.

It's two years ago, I have held down another job since then, and very successfully, so what's the issue? I've always lacked confidence, and any doubts I had about my ability to do something were realised when they tried to get me fired from the other job. I struggle with the probationary period of 6 months, as I find that it takes me this long to bed in the role even if I have done the job before. I would say that it takes me a while to pick new things up, but that once I know how to do something, after one year I'll probably be doing it better than someone who has been doing it for 8 years. However you have to get through those 6 months don't you? And if you can't do that, then you never get the chance to shine.

It happened with the job I'm in now. 3 months in-'we really would have expected you to know this by now', 6 months in, same issues coming up again. However 12 months in I'm pretty much doing my managers job for them and everything else in between.
I think what you sometimes fall foul of is those people who have been in the job for years. They know it off by heart, and forget how long it took them to pick up the task, because it was 8-15 years ago.

I also have this problem with 'attention to detail'. Now whether this is my slapdash nature, and you've probably noticed this from my posts. I can resolve a problem better than someone three grades on the payscale above me, but do I check grammer and punctuation? No. Silly little mistakes. Always the silly little mistakes. I just need to be given the chance to sort out the more complex stuff, get off the bottom of the payscale and off the more 'attention to detail' tasks, that I probably miss because I'm bored. And this is it essentially, I'm bored, therefore I don't have time for what I consider to be the petty small stuff.

There is something out there that I'm suited to and will shine at, I just haven't found it yet. I always believe that other people are so much more better at their job than I am. I let that woman judge me, and drag me down.I shouldn't have. At the end of the day at they had been in the job for 15 years. My working career so far doesn't span 15 years, let alone doing the same job for that long. Apart from the job that I'm doing now, I haven't been in the same role for more than 18 months at a time. I'm on my 11th role in the same number of years working. That's an awful lot of learning, and probably why in my last feedback I was told that I have a strong cv.

I need to tell myself this. I am a strong intelligent young woman, who is more brave and worth more than all of those who try to drag me down. If they try to do this, then they are weak themselves. The jobs that I have had so far are not my career choice, and are simply a means of funding for me to complete my studies. I know what I am truly passionate about in life, and at the end of the day no-one can take my thoughts and passions away from me.