Only child or not?

mountainofdebt

confusedmummy wrote: »

The pros:

• It would be nice for my child to have a sibling No guarantee that they would get on or interact with one another when older
• My husband is a very supportive and positive person People can change (not saying your hubby would but you see what I am saying,lol!)
• My child is a joy and would be lovely to have another one. Each child is an individual and your second could be a complete horror!

The cons:

• We would be very very squashed in our 2 bed boxflat and would probably have to move again (the 4th time in 5 years). You'd cope ......
• I suffered from very bad PND and fear I will get this again.To be forewarned is to be forewarned as they say
• I don't know if I will cope with 2 children. You would - fear of the unknown is always the hardest fear to deal with
• Sleepless nights again and how to cope with insomnia with 2 kids. It wouldn't be for ever - how old was your child when they first slept through the night?
• I don't know how we will manage economically. London is very expensive and we need to live near my elderly mother to help her etc. You belong to MSE - of course you'd cope !
• I like being able to focus all my attention on my one child.Ah but is it healthy for your child?
• Going through another pregnancy with a toddler. I don't know how I'd manage it. You'd cope - I bet you were wondering how you'd cope with your first child!

See you raise the points you see as pros and cons and for everything there is an response for the opposite.

This is only a decision that you and your husband can make - one person's decision for having lots of children may be another's idea of folly - whilst the decision to have one child can be seen as selfish by others.

Only children don't have to be spolit in the same way siblings don't have to enjoy each other's company at any stage of their lives

What would your feelings be if you were told tomorrow that the only you could have another child was through IVF or if you couldn't have any more - perhaps this will help you decide how you really feel about the situation.

jo1967

This is something only you can decide & as others pointed out there are pro's & cons for every situation but basically it boils down to what you want - doesnt matter what anyone else thinks.

I have one child (now 15) out of personal choice & I dont regret it & he has always been a happy child, we are a close family & he is close to his cousins. He is not lonley, is quite popular with many friends. When he was younger we would take friends on days out & on holiday.

My husband is one of 6 & I have a sibling so its different to the way we both grew up (both had perfectly happy childhoods) - we just didnt want another. My sibling has 3 kids - I look at that household of constantly bickering siblings, stressed / arguing parents & am happy with my life!!!!
We have been criticized for having only one but I dont care & its nobodys business. I dont comment on other peoples choice to have 2 or more (& I am not interested!!).

So dont let other people persuade you one way or another - take your time, talk to hubby & only decide on what you feel right & comfortable doing.

bouncydog1

Very much a personal choice. We were not having any children until biological clock kicked in - then it took several years to happen. Daughter arrived when I was 36 and is the joy of our lives. She is now 17 and we have never regretted having only one child. We have been able to put her through private school, provide family holidays abroad and lots of other benefits for her that we simply could not have provided for more than one child. I would add that both DH and I have worked full time always, apart from my 6 months maternity leave.

Is she a spoilt brat? Far from it - she is popular, mature for her age, never gives any problems and is planning on going to Uni next year. Does she like being an only child? She certainly does and appreciates that she has been able to enjoy the standard of living that we have because she is the only one.

It is a decision we have never regretted - DH and I were both from larger families and we are not close to our siblings.

I can see the benefits in having more than one child if they get on, and you are not worrying about money etc. But what if you have another child of the same sex that you have and your husband wants to try again - sometimes it is better to be happy with what you have and make the most of it.

Difficult decision and I wish you well.

Hermia

I am an only child and have never wished it to be any other way. I am also not a spoilt, self-centred brat. Infact I went to school with lots of kids with siblings who conformed to the only child stereotype far more than I did! I know only children who are like me and only children who would have loved siblings. I also know people who adore their siblings and people whose lives have been marred by manipulative siblings.

Basically I think it all comes down to the person's upbringing and their personality. And you can make up for any problems in the family structure. e.g. If you have an only child you make sure you take them to lots of clubs where they can mix with other kids or if you have lots of kids you ensure they all get some personal attention.

To be honest you should stop listening to other people. It seems to me that it doesn't matter what family structure you have some know-it-all will criticise it! I don't want kids and get slagged off for that. Friends with an only child get slagged off for that. A friend with lots of children said she is always getting remarks made about her. Friends with all girls/boys who are not desperately trying to have a child of the opposite sex have said they also get treated as weirdos.

ncsmummy

This is such a personal decision and the best ting to do is talk it through with hubby and work out exactly how you feel. I was always sure that if possible I wanted more than 1 (wanted 4 but hubby put his foot down!!) We now have DS who is 8 and DD who is amost 6 and they are really really close - comletely adore each other, however I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me and whilst we ge on wel now it was a completely different story as kids!!!!

DH was an only child and tbh he does really struggle with some things - he always had lots of attention and got to do everything his way and it has taken years for him to learn that its not the way adult life works - I never hd all that so dont expect any of it!!

Its all about whats best for you and your family!! Jst to add that I had really bad pnd with ds - huge panic attcks and barely left the house for a year and I was really scared when i had dd in case it came back but I had a much better labour with her, was far less worried as I had 'been there, done that' and I was completely fine after she was born.

Best wishes to you whatever you decide!

nikkit72

havent read all through as yet , but just wanted to say

I am an only child , not my mum and dads choice ,my mum had to have a hysterectomy just after my birth due to medical reasons , I did love it when i was young as i had all the attention etc, but now at 37 its lonely , i would love a brother or sister to call when i was low , when i was happy , just a sister or bro to talk to , to go and visit , i have 3 children as there was no way i was going to let my children be only children ,a nd i am actually pregnant with my 4th due in just over 3 weeks , and its great , but then again loely to , they have no first cousins or uncles and aunties on my side and that also makes me sad sometimes

good luck

Hermia

nikkit72 wrote: »

I did love it when i was young as i had all the attention etc, but now at 37 its lonely , i would love a brother or sister to call when i was low , when i was happy , just a sister or bro to talk to , to go and visit

Even if you had a sibling it doesn't mean you would have this though. My mum is the eldest sibling and her younger sisters all come to her with their problems, but when she has problems they are always too busy or just don't want to know. Or there's my friend who was left to care for her elderly parents, arrange their funerals and sort out their house when they died. Her brother would not lift a finger to help her and just turned up when the money was being divided.

I think when it comes to families the phrase, "the grass isn't always greener" is very relevant. It's very easy to think, "If I had a sister we would be best friends and go shopping together" etc. But maybe that sister would be competitive with you or have a high-flying career and have no time for you. It's very easy to idealise what we don't have.

viktory

confusedmummy wrote: »

Ok. Here is the situation.

I am a (soon to be) 35 year old mum of a 3 year old. My husband is going to be 37 this year.

My husband works weekdays, we rent in London a little two bedroomed flat. I want to stay in London to be near my elderly mother.

However, my husband wants to have another child. I am not sure. Part of me wants one and part of me thinks I would never manage with two and financially it would be a struggle. I feel like I have to make a decision soon as my biological clock is ticking. I just can't make a decision and I fear it is going to get to a point where nature decides for me.

The pros:

• It would be nice for my child to have a sibling
• My husband is a very supportive and positive person
• My child is a joy and would be lovely to have another one.

The cons:

• We would be very very squashed in our 2 bed boxflat and would probably have to move again (the 4th time in 5 years).
• I suffered from very bad PND and fear I will get this again.
• I don't know if I will cope with 2 children.
• Sleepless nights again and how to cope with insomnia with 2 kids.
• I don't know how we will manage economically. London is very expensive and we need to live near my elderly mother to help her etc.
• I like being able to focus all my attention on my one child.
• Going through another pregnancy with a toddler. I don't know how I'd manage it.

It would be easier in some ways if my husband was the kind of man who said one is enough. I would accept that and live with it. But I feel like it is my responsibility to decide and although I know my husband would be ok with just one child I think secretly he would be a little disappointed (and might resent me a bit).

I don't know what the question is I am really asking. I suppose in a way it is "is it acceptable to just have one child". A part of me feels so guilty as I have had so many people say "you can't just have one" etc and I don't know what to think.

Sorry if this post sounds confused but that is exactly what I am right now

Your cons list is longer than your pros - for me, that simple fact would make the decision quite simple.

nikkit72 wrote: »

I am an only child , not my mum and dads choice ,my mum had to have a hysterectomy just after my birth due to medical reasons , I did love it when i was young as i had all the attention etc, but now at 37 its lonely , i would love a brother or sister to call when i was low..

But there are no guarantees that you would even have got on with your brother or sister, or been in the least bit close.

coco1980

my ds is 10 and i had always planned on having at least one more but alot changed over the years and i now feel there would be too big an age gap, but he does have 2 cousins that he is very close too and I feel this has made it easier for him. personally I would not have any more unless you know 100% that it is what you want:)

Liz3yy

I'm an only child, 31 years old now (so is my partner funnily enough) and I've never felt deprived or different growing up. I had loving parents who raised me well and never spoilt me despite not having other children to worry about.

I made friends easily and relished having my own room from the start and not having to share my toys in the evenings!

I was meant to be a twin, I'm told the other one died within weeks of Mum conceiving, and though at times I do wonder what life would have been like with a sibling, I do think it's no hardship to grow up with no brothers or sisters.