Only child or not?

confusedmummy

Ok. Here is the situation.

I am a (soon to be) 35 year old mum of a 3 year old. My husband is going to be 37 this year.

My husband works weekdays, we rent in London a little two bedroomed flat. I want to stay in London to be near my elderly mother.

However, my husband wants to have another child. I am not sure. Part of me wants one and part of me thinks I would never manage with two and financially it would be a struggle. I feel like I have to make a decision soon as my biological clock is ticking. I just can't make a decision and I fear it is going to get to a point where nature decides for me.

The pros:

• It would be nice for my child to have a sibling
• My husband is a very supportive and positive person
• My child is a joy and would be lovely to have another one.

The cons:

• We would be very very squashed in our 2 bed boxflat and would probably have to move again (the 4th time in 5 years).
• I suffered from very bad PND and fear I will get this again.
• I don't know if I will cope with 2 children.
• Sleepless nights again and how to cope with insomnia with 2 kids.
• I don't know how we will manage economically. London is very expensive and we need to live near my elderly mother to help her etc.
• I like being able to focus all my attention on my one child.
• Going through another pregnancy with a toddler. I don't know how I'd manage it.

It would be easier in some ways if my husband was the kind of man who said one is enough. I would accept that and live with it. But I feel like it is my responsibility to decide and although I know my husband would be ok with just one child I think secretly he would be a little disappointed (and might resent me a bit).

I don't know what the question is I am really asking. I suppose in a way it is "is it acceptable to just have one child". A part of me feels so guilty as I have had so many people say "you can't just have one" etc and I don't know what to think.

Sorry if this post sounds confused but that is exactly what I am right now

Apricot

Im not an only child (including stepbrothers & sisters I am one of 14!) and whilst I have enjoyed family occasions with my siblings you should not feel that you have to have another child if you are not 100% happy about it.

It is completely acceptable to have only one child as all of your attention and time can be relished on them. In my childhood I sometimes had to go without things due to one of the others needing something or needing to go somewhere and I know this caused my mum to feel guilty. If you are already struggling financially then to stretch yourself further is not the best idea. Your situation may change but, if it remains the same would you be able to have the family experiences you have always wanted to? (eg holidays, days out)
I don't know a lot about PND but after a quick google I found this which may help your decision.

If you did decide to go ahead with another child would it be feasible to sell your mothers house & have all of you move in together? This would surely be cheaper for all involved and you could help out your mother even more regularly.

Im sure you will come to the right decision, please don't rush into it as you don't want to live with regrets - a neighbour has just had her 2nd child at the age of 43 (her eldest is 23!).

OrkneyStar

I am 33, DH is 39, we have one DS aged 2 and a half, and have no plans for any more.
I know there are cons (and pros) but the bottom line is I just don't really want any more for various reasons (incl my age, my health- lower back problems which make daily life a struggle sometimes, financial reasons etc etc). Do what makes you happy!

midnightraven3

I have lived in London, and one of the 1st things that struck me, was, is where you are living a HUGE contributing factor to a lot of whats making you stress & think no?

Couldnt you as suggested above, pull your resources, and move away from London and have a granny flat type of thing, this would mean less/no travel time to your mum, and make life for a you a bit less stressful? We ALL wonder if we can cope with more than one, trust me, and yes you do, you learn to peel potatoes with one standing on your foot and one in arms! is it a hassle? no, its just how it is, once you become a mother, you learn to juggle!

Hubby would have a longer commute, but also have a less stress free, free time with his family, i cannot comment about PND, and i realize its a huge factor

As an only child, gosh, i so hated it, and i still do
so much so i vowed i would never have one
my parents doted on me and gave me everything
except what i truly wanted
the family next door, was huge, there were 8 of them living in the same size house as we did, they were dirt poor, we had holidays, they didnt, my dad was a chef, i ate like a queen, their dinner was always one big pot of something, but i sooooooooo wanted to be one of them!
when my 1st daughter was born, she was a joy, a great baby, and grew into a wonderful toddler, i wanted more, i found out i was pregnant,and thought, OMG how can i love another one as much as i do you? how will i manage? but you do, and you have twice as much joy as you did before
i know my answer is all about the positives, and you have to make this decision very carefully, but we all wonder & have doubts
for me, it was the best thing ever, and i went onto have another, truth be told i would still have another even now and mine are all teens!

good luck, do lots of soul searching, whatever you decide, i wish all the happiness in the world

staceysteve

I understand that your position and I won't judge but I would personally never have an only child.
I have a stepson 10 and I feel sorry for him that no matter whether we have children he will always be an only child basically due to the large gap.
When we have children we won't be having just one as although I know it's VERY hard it makes such a difference in the long run to have a sibling.

Threebabes

I just think in years to come you could regret not having another child, but once the baby was here you would never regret having it. Its a personal choice only you can decide. I always wanted more than one, so I would say go for it, but really only you can decide.

Good luck with your decision. I wouldnt worry about your age.

x

Fly_Baby

If it's any help, I based my decision to have a second child there and then mostly for the sake of my son who was 3.5. I knew that if I took into account my career prospects and our family finances I should wait a few more years. But by then the age gap between my children would be 7 years plus - and I wanted to avoid that at all cost.

And then I had a thought that there are many things which can be put right with some effort - the size of the house, the career, even the physical appearance. But if my children grew up not being close due to the big age gap - about THAT I would be helpless.

So I had my girl. And she is the most perfect thing I have ever produced in my life. And they are great friends with her big brother.

isitenough

confusedmummy wrote: »

Ok. Here is the situation.


The pros:

• It would be nice for my child to have a sibling true and someone to share things with in the future.
• My husband is a very supportive and positive person that's a very good start.
• My child is a joy and would be lovely to have another one. another good reason

The cons:

• We would be very very squashed in our 2 bed boxflat and would probably have to move again (the 4th time in 5 years). would you look to move in the future anyway as your child grows?
• I suffered from very bad PND and fear I will get this again. I feared this but my second was so much easier as it wasn't a shock or as scary, having done it all before.
• I don't know if I will cope with 2 children. it's not always a walk in the park but if you can cope with one then 2 won't be a problem,
• Sleepless nights again and how to cope with insomnia with 2 kids. it doesn't last forever! But hopefully having 2 children will.
• I don't know how we will manage economically. London is very expensive and we need to live near my elderly mother to help her etc. money can always be saved if you're willing to cut back and not get too many luxuries. children don't need expensive clothes or gifts.
• I like being able to focus all my attention on my one child. assuming you have one soon then your eldest could be at Nursery/ school by the time #2 is born. Therefore having enough time to focus on one at a time.
• Going through another pregnancy with a toddler. I don't know how I'd manage it. If your husband is as supportive as you say then I'm sure he'd help. It's not too bad, depending on how pregnancy affects you. Keeps you in shape running after a child when pregnant!

I suppose in a way it is "is it acceptable to just have one child". A part of me feels so guilty as I have had so many people say "you can't just have one" etc and I don't know what to think. It's acceptable if you're happy with it. There is no right or wrong way. You still have time to decide, impliment changes (money habits etc..) before a 2nd baby arrives. Is it something you'd always regret if you didn't have another child?

Sorry if that's not more help. Hope you can talk to your husband as that might help.

OrkneyStar

staceysteve wrote: »

I understand that your position and I won't judge but I would personally never have an only child.
I have a stepson 10 and I feel sorry for him that no matter whether we have children he will always be an only child basically due to the large gap.
When we have children we won't be having just one as although I know it's VERY hard it makes such a difference in the long run to have a sibling.

Why do you feel sorry for him ?
How do you know you won't only have one child (sometimes people are unable to have more for physical/health reasons!) ?
Why does it make 'such a difference' to have a sibling ?
You state at the start you won't judge but then go on to do just that .

staceysteve

...ok
God willing we will have more than one but definately wouldn't choose to just have one.
I feel sorry for him because he has never experienced all the wonderful things that come with having a sibling, some things you can only learn from siblings I feel!
My whole post was my PERSONAL OPINION I did not judge.
Didn't relise I had to be sooooooooo specific!

yoyo1980

I have one son age 4 and we are stopping at that. I too had severe PND/PNI and just cannot risk going back to that place again - the chances are high of a reoccurence but not set in stone. I love my little one to bits now but I was nearly a gonna on at least two occasions whilst he was less than 2 yrs old. I have not been broody since my little one arrived - even when my nephew came on the scene a few months back. I know I will have to work even harder to ensure my little one is not completley indulged etc but I am happy to be stopping at one child and ignoring the "you can't only have one" comments.

I'm sure if you decide to go on to two you will be a fab mother and somehow you'll manage with a toddler & baby - it's a case of getting on with it - but look around, there are plenty of mothers in that sitauiation and they seem to be able to smile & enjoy life

All the very best with your decisions