The giving up/cutting down alcohol thread part VI

SimIsOnTheUp

Sorry for being rude on here yesterday, Ladies and Gents :-/

Graeme - Thank You for your wise words :-)

I'm still in bed - feel pretty terrible.

Yesterday morning at about 9.30am, just I was about to leave for my voluntary job at the homeles charity, I got a call from one of the chaps there..

He said that he was ".. calling from ******** on behalf of T, the Manager. T is off sick today, so he wouldn't be able to make the interview at 10am. T will call you in a couple of days to rearrange."

Ok. The guy's ill. Fair enough.

Puzzled though (as we'd already had an 'interview' / informal chat there a couple of weeks ago. I'd already dropped off the relevant forms for CRH check etc, and the Manager had said that he'd be ok to have me help out there. He said that I'd be 'under supervision' until the CRB info came back, but that all would be fine.

Manager then called last week, to arrange for me to start yesterday.

Interview??!

Lord knows what's going on.
I first told him I was keen to help out there, last November..

He told me he'd call me..

He calls back in March!!!

He's been late on 2 occasions returning my call, and now this.

Yesterday, stupidly, my head started to fog again, and I went on a bender.

My Gf had lent me £40 yesterday. This was to pay for postage at the Post Office, as I had to post off a jacket high I'd sold on Ebay last week. As it was going to Canada, it'd cost between £25 and £40, depending on the weight :-/

Thought it too mush hassle and money. It would, however, net £140 so obviously it's worth it.

I've also promised the guy I'm going to see it, and it's a done deal / binding contract, so I HAVE to and it.

That was last Thursday, and now the week's up, so I'm out of the 7 days 'Ebay / PayPal Seller Protection' scheme aren't I?

B@gger :-/

I can't believe I drank yesterday, due to feeling angry about this guy at the homeless place, messing me about again.

I can believe I wasted my Gf's money, AND another £20 which I had left in my account. I have about £15 left in my wallet, so I've got through £45 on booze in one day, yesterday :-/

Gutted, and while I know I'm not the centre of this guy's (manager) universe, and that it's probably not personal, I'm starting to feel like he's messing me about.

I mean, he either wants me to work, or he doesn't!

Obviously I can't phrase it like that, as I don't want to come across as ars@y before I've even started, but considering it's now been over, 5 months since I asked him about work (they had a sign up asking for volunteers then, and still do now), it's starting to get pretty silly!

To top it all, my Gf ( who I'm not sure I want to be with :-/ ), has lent me £1,500... and now this £40.... and was frantically calling (about 7/8 times) and texting last night, after I'd (accidentally) called her at about 11pm :-/

She asked "Did you go to work?", "Are you drunk?", and "You like having this control over me don't you?" so obviously she doesn't think I went. She'll probably doubt that *they cancelled* too. This has all got way too dysfunctional :-/

At the time of lending me the £40, she asked if I could start paying her *some* of the money on Friday when I get my ESA. That is fair enough.

Today - about an hour ago, she was knocking incessantly on my door..

She'd already texted this morning, in quite a lighhearted way, asking if I'd like to have fish and chips with her tonight.

I hadn't replied, 'cos I wanted to think about it.

Then she's calling again, and again, and now she's been knocking / put a noe through my door (probably abusive psychobabble)..

It also doesn't help, that I have bid £60 on a mountain bike, on Ebay.

At the time, I thought it'd be a good idea. It'd get me out of the flat, and get me fit.

What a mess.

The first thing that I need to do, is call my Gf, and let her know what happened yesterday. I'll doubt she'll believe me, as she'll already think I've been drinking.

Sorry to witter on.

Cheers.

Sim x

Pippilongstocking

Simon

Sorry about the chap letting you down - I hope that bit sorts itself out.

Call your girlfriend - talk to her, she's clearly worried and she clearly cares!

Goodluck!

graemecarter

SimIsOnTheUp wrote: »

Yesterday, stupidly, my head started to fog again, and I went on a bender.

It all sounds painful and difficult. Classic alcoholism
Drinking costs us money we haven't got, and makes things worse. It chips away at ourselves, and showers us in shame, regret, and self-pity
There are few (if any) occasions when a drink makes things better.

However, you will never sort these messes out while you are still drinking. If you don't prioritise the stopping drinking, then this chaos and misery will continue. You CAN get help for your drinking, but you will need to prioritize it above all things. You may not be ready yet. Some people are never ready to stop - they may need to stop, but they don't want to stop.

While the people at the homeless charity may have treated you badly and upset you, they did not pour the drink down your throat.

When I stopped drinking I had to take responsibility for my actions. That meant setting boundaries of behaviour for myself and others.
If someone over-stepped these boundaries, I would have 2 options.
1) Accept it
2) Walk away

I had to do this as drinking hurt me. I have to look after myself. If other people are responsible for me drinking (and thus I make them responsible for my feelings and happiness) then I will have a lifetime of misery ahead.

Whatever you do, good luck. It doesn't have to be like this.

SimIsOnTheUp

Hi Graeme,

Your words made me quite angry and defensive just now..

That'll be because you're right!

I do *want* and *need* to stop - I'm just scared that I can't do it :-(

What you say about boundaries, you say very articulately and you're spot on.

Thanks.

Sim.

SimIsOnTheUp

graemecarter wrote: »

I used to feel this way too Sim.
I have ALCOHOLISM - the ALCOHOL I now leave in the bottle, but the ISM is within me. That's why I needed to change.
And it was the best thing I have ever done

What's the "ISM" Graeme?

fedupandskint

He means

ALCOHOLISM - split into
ALCOHOL - leave in the bottle
ISM - alcoholism is within me

yellowmonkey

Hellooooo

At work until 23:00 so will be AF today so 13 for me please WBF

Only managed the 3 days AF Sparkles but tis better than none

fedupandskint

96 Hour Challenge Mon - Thurs

Sparkles Mon AF Tues AF Wed AF Thurs AF :j:T
Lurkio Mon AF Tues AF

365 Mon AF Tues AF Wed AF
DB
Fay Mon AF Tues AF :DWed AF
Marru Mon AF Tues AF Wed AF
honeybear
YM Mon AF Tues AF Thurs AF
Budgie Mon AF Tues AF Wed AF
Caz Mon AF

40SM
Sim Mon AF Tues AF
Icandothis Mon AF Tues AF
Different Corner Mon AF Tues AF

27 AFD achieved

91 hours in - we're almost there!

:AWell done everyone and stay strong:A

Please can I have all your updates asap as I am away tomorrow and cannot update the list after then

Otherwise you can C+P the list and update it later tomorrow if you like

I'm HUFFing on AFD 22 for me - see you all next Friday

yellowmonkey

Enjoy your time away Sparkles

graemecarter

SimIsOnTheUp wrote: »

What's the "ISM" Graeme?

fedupandskint wrote: »

He means

ALCOHOLISM - split into
ALCOHOL - leave in the bottle
ISM - alcoholism is within me

Sparkles is quite correct

The ISM (which some people say is I, Self, Me) is the underlying motive which needs to be addressed in recovery. My ISM is all fear based :
Fear of failure,
Fear of loneliness,
Fear of intimacy,
Fear of risk,
Fear of pain,
Fear of abandonment,
Fear of rejection,
Fear of looking/sounding stupid,
Fear of what someone might think,
Fear of punishment,
Fear of poverty,
Fear of exploitation,
Fear of missing the big chance,
Fear of fear,
Fear of ….etc

They say I, Self, Me because most of these are selfish fears, and have no basis in fact.
I am shy and quiet as I have:
Fear of rejection,
Fear of looking/sounding stupid,
Fear of what someone might think
These are selfish fears. I am wrapped up in myself

These fears want me to act in certain ways, to put up barriers. They screw my life up basically. I must overcome them as a bridge to normal living. Putting down the drink is the first step - addressing the ISM on a daily basis gives me the life beyond my wildest dreams. Serenity, peace, dignity, and happiness.

I go to meetings to help me - I know that when I go to meetings, I don't drink. If I don't drink, then I can tackle the ISM.
Many people go to meetings, and then stop going. Most of them drink again.
People who keep going are the ones who really want to stop, and will do anything to stay stopped

Good luck Sim, you sound a nice, decent guy.