elderly relative putting herself at risk...

tanith

They drop through the net in my experience... I tried to get my elderly friends GP involved when I thought she needed help but they said as far as they could tell when spoken to on the phone she was coping ok ... :eek: I know she is close to not coping and because I am not a relative there seems to be nothing I can do.. she has begged me not to contact social services as she is terrified of them putting her in a home ... she is estranged from her two children and I am 60 miles away , she won't even contemplate getting an emergency button installed because of the cost.. I don't know what else to do..I also fear she will reject me if she thinks I am interfering in her life and seriously I and my daughter are the only contact she has with the outside world on a regular basis.. feels like I am between a rock and a hard place sometimes..

foreign_correspondent

tanith, that is really difficult - I wonder if she could get any help with an alarm buzzer system? They are a lifeline for anyone elderly who lives alone, as help can be there within minutes of a fall or trip, or even if the person feels ill, or is concerned about intruders etc..

It may be worth reassuring her that it is very hard to get into a home, even if you put yourself at risk, do not feed yourself etc etc...!! And, unless she has totally lost the ability to hold a conversation, or is acting very oddly, (which it appears she is not) she would be deemed to be able to decide for herself - she may well be entitled to attendance allowance, home help etc though!

izzydogsam

Hi FC, sorry to hear about your relative. She sounds very much like our neighbour, who has very recently gone into a specialist home.

We moved in next door to her about three years ago and most of the time she was fine, occasionally confused and forgetful and sometimes some of the conversations we had didn't quite add up. Over the last three years she became paranoid and would tell us people were looking into her house, that she had had burglars, that her TV had been taken etc. It was very sad. She would pack her bag and walk off up the road in the late evening as she was frightened to be at home, saying she was going to stay with friends. We would call her family and keep an eye on her til someone could get round. Ultimately, she was diagnosed with paranoid dementia and her family managed after some time to get her into a home that specialised in looking after people with her condition. They had been trying to get her to move in with them for some time, but she wouldn't have any of it. It was particularly difficult as she was otherwise healthy, well and very active. I would agree with what others have mentioned and try and be present when she is assessed by a CPN or similar. It's hard when the person being assessed isn't known to the person assessing, as they have no base line for that person to compare their behaviour with. My thoughts are with you, and well done for trying to help x

Errata

What really worries me is that I am relatively well clued up, (I have worked in the social care sector, and the NHS, though I have no experience in geriatric/older peoples services) articulate, and generally able to seek out advice and advocate - and yet, again and again, when it comes to seeking out help for people, either in my professional or personal life, I find there is a series of almost insurmountable barriers to getting them the help they need.

How old people (or anyone vulnerable) cope without someone fighting their corner really worries me...

I've been involved with NHS and LA for 20 years until I recently retired, advocating and planning services for older people. I also found it a struggle to get what was appropriate for my rellys, even though I felt I knew all the shortcuts, back channels and vocabulary. I'm amazed my head isn't flat from banging it on brick walls !
How do those who have nobody to fight their corner cope? Bluntly, they don't.
Wishing you well, because I know you've got an uphill climb.

Mrs_Boo_Boo

So sorry at your frustration but even those working in the system are unable to act on some situations and sadly sometimes a crisis has to happen before anything can be done. A colleague of mine had a client who was paranoid and expressed his thoughts with his daughter but did not disclose them to anyone else. She knew this but could not act on it because there was no risk to himself or others. It wasn't until he went to a police station 20 miles away and reported several murders that he was able to be admitted to a local unit. Unfortunately he would not agree to any medication or an injection once he returned home and nothing could be done. Sectioning someone is very difficult and can only be used as a last resort. Another lady was shouting out loud at night and frightening the neighbours but everyone was powerless even though they knew she had a mental illness. Eventually they were persuaded to call the police and she was taken to a place of safety. Its so difficult to act in certain circumstances and people will hold it together when others are around. another man believes he has poisoned gas in his house and leaves the windows open all year round another lady hoards things and can barely move in her property but nothing can be done because she does not have a mental illness.
Sorry to be so negative but this is the reality of mental health services.
What I suggest is you get some support from MIND or Age Concern and document every occurance for evidence. If she is paranoid try not to feed into her ideas.
Good Luck.

foreign_correspondent

Mrs_Boo_Boo wrote: »

So sorry at your frustration but even those working in the system are unable to act on some situations and sadly sometimes a crisis has to happen before anything can be done..

I know - but she has fallen on the floor twice in the last year, both times when it was very cold outside, (feb and december) and her house was cold - both times she was there for hours, the first time, for about ten hours till I visited and found her, the second time, for god knows how long - she does not know, and had pulled furniture over all over the place trying to get up, and was dehydrated - but she did not think to use her pendant alarm which she was wearing until the early hours of the morning - when the warden got in she said there was no heating on, and it was colder in the house than outside and there was ice on the inside of the windows...they said she was very cold, how much more of a crisis do we need till she gets help?

I assume if she had not remembered to use her pendant alarm when she did, she would have very likely died from the cold.

Farway

FC your experiences are not unique, in my mum's case it took years before even her GP of 30 years acknowledged she was not clued up, she also turned heaters off, accused carers of pinching her toilet rolls, tebags etc.

She fooled Social Services time & again for years, TBH I think they really want to be fooled, because once diagnosed they have to do something, otherwise they can & do, ignore it

Eventually one, more mature, Social Worker realised the problem & she had a "proper" memory test, not just what day is it, who is Prime Minister sort of thing

Despite all the words & talk you hear from politicians and the "caring" industry it will take a lot of perseverance by you

luxor4t

Can't just read & run as I admire your determination to do what is right.

I recognise a little of what you are facing as DH's ma is quite odd & has worrying ideas at times, but hides it from her GP.
Despite having had at least one stroke she seems to think she is bullet proof -she 'doesn't want' an alarm pendant & has refused point blank to consider sheltered accommodation. Neither of her sons could take her in: BiL has a one-bed flat, we live the other end of the country & she hates it in Wales anyway.
It feels like we are fighting her first, then the system!

Bobby2

FC, you need to make the "professionals" listen - I do know that this is difficult. Do you have a camcorder? Could you make a DVD of the "home environment?" which you could show to the "professionals"? Or could you take photographs recording what your relative is going through/having to deal with? I know this is not a "normal" thing to do, but sometimes we have to resort to the strangest of things to get people to believe, action what we want.
I would also suggest that you contact your local MP and explain to them the stumbling blocks that you have encountered and ask them is this the way the elderly are normally treated in the community.
Hit them where it hurts, contact your local newspaper (even write the "article" and email it to them. Please do not stop until you are happy with the services that your relative is receiving. Good luck!

ClootiesMum

but she did not think to use her pendant alarm which she was wearing

We were offered a new style one of these pendant alarms that will go off automatically if the angle implies a fall has taken place & is not rectified. Mum never got one (she wasn't around for long enough) but it might be worth investigating this through the community alarm scheme that supplies her alarm at present.