Help and advice arranging a funeral

margaretclare

Just my fourpence....

I cannot see the point at all of huge floral arrangements, especially the ones saying 'Dad' or whatever. These cost a huge amount for what they're worth - naff IMHO! - because of the time and work involved in making them.

Same with a 'wake', food and drink flowing freely - why? If people have come from a distance it's a bit churlish to send them off without so much as a cup of tea, but it only needs to be simple.

McKneff

davidbaa68 wrote: »

Hi,

I'm an independent funeral director in Liverpool. Just thought I'd mention a couple of things. As you have mentioned the £2000 bereavement payment, I assume your stepdad was under retirement age as this is an automatic payment to the spouse when somebody dies before retirement.

The funeral payment from the social fund provides some help for the funeral costs, £700 towards the funeral directors charges plus the cremation fee and the doctors certificates fee which will be necessary if the coroner is not involved. Your mum sounds like she would qualify from what you have said about her circumstances in your posts.

The content of the funeral service and things like fake or real flowers are entirely up to the family, the funeral director should not judge you whatever you decide to do. It is our job to do what you want.

Regarding flowers, personally I think a funeral with no flowers is very sad indeed, however one arrangement is all you need and it doesn't need to be big, my local florist will do a very nice hand tied bouquet for £25 which would go on top of the coffin and look fine.

The most important thing you can do is make the service personal, the most memorable funerals are the ones when the family has contributed themselves and put there own mark on it, with music, readings and tributes. All of these things cost nothing.

One last thing one of the earlier posts said the funeral director wanted to sell you as much as possible. A responsible funeral director should try and help you to budget, as the last thing he wants is a bad debt or a family telling people that they were sold a funeral they couldn't afford. If you feel they are trying to offer you something you can't afford, make some phone calls to other funeral directors to compare prices, you may be surprised. Don't think that you can't go somewhere else because they already have your stepdad, because you can.

I hope this has helped, if you need any more information please send me a private message.

I really hope everything goes well, it sounds like your doing really well.

David.

Nice Post there David. Very helpful and sensitive. Especially the part about the family putting their own personal slant on the service.
My best wishes to you.

Errata

margaretclare wrote: »

Just my fourpence....

I cannot see the point at all of huge floral arrangements, especially the ones saying 'Dad' or whatever. These cost a huge amount for what they're worth - naff IMHO! - because of the time and work involved in making them.

Same with a 'wake', food and drink flowing freely - why? If people have come from a distance it's a bit churlish to send them off without so much as a cup of tea, but it only needs to be simple.

Some people gain great comfort from sending a huge floral arrangement, and the ones with the person's name or Dad can have a very, very special meaning.
Refreshments, or a wake, after a funeral can help people to gather their thoughts and emotions together after what may be, for them, a very sad occasion. Wakes especially are a means of celebrating the life that has just ended.
People celebrate a life according to their own family or cultural traditions. There is no right way and no wrong way of doing things, nothing can be naff if it is deeply felt.

lisae03

Firstly I would like to thank you all for your input and support.

I've spent the last few days pondering about the flowers and whilst I take the opinions about the time of year for flower I definately want to go with a Dad tribute. I was unsure about the grandad tribute so based on the reality of whats been said I have decided against this. Instead also going to club together as a family buy a small arrangement to sit on the coffin.

David your post was very helpful, I do feel like we have a funeral director who understands our the financial circumstances as we have been up front about how it is being funded. I just wish the we were able to determine for sure if she will actually get the Funeral payment grant for sure, this would allow her to proceed without all the worry.

Things are finally moving forward, they are going to collect him tomorrow. He's been at the hosptial since 1st of January and the thought of him being left there is horrible and has been playing on my mind. I went to see him in the morge and found it really upsetting. I didn't get chance to go in the room alone with him and don't know if I should try again at the chapel of rest when he arrives. Will he look better? He is being embalmed, what else will they do or will he just have his suit out on and thats it?

I met with his mum yesterday and her and his sliblings are going to fund a small buffet. I just need to confirm details and then can set the arrangements in stone.

I suppose now all there is for me to do is start to think about all the little touches as my mum is unable too. I want to do all I can to make it special.
I liked the idea of the projected images, but I don't have a laptop. I have had a terrible time going through my hard drive for old photo's of him and have found about over 22. Sadly there are non of him on his own, My OH played with an image and cut it so it was just him, its a lovely picture but when I took it to the photoshop we couldn't get it any bigger than a 6 x 4. Ideally I would have a big framed image for use wherever it goes, on the hearse possibly? Instead I thought I'd get a photo frame with the seperate bits and use various pictures?
I have a very poignant picture which was his last taken on christmas day around my house with my mum, he looked so happy.
I went to a funeral a while back and they had a little service paper with his photo on, I like thats idea but wouln't know where to start.
I think someone I spoke to mentioned something about cards on the hearse, do I do some and other people do the others? Finally to represent the fact that he was so proud of being a grandad maybe a drawing from my children?

I really do feel like I am getting there, I just want to get it out of the way as it is making me so emotional!

Thanks for reading, gosh it is a long one!

Lisa x

lisae03

Its all gone very quiet in here! Mind it was a long post :-)

Errata

Hello Lisa, hope this helps. You should be able to see him on your own at the chapel of rest, a member of staff will take you to where he is and make sure you're ok before they leave you on your own (some people become faint if they have never seen a dead person before).
Some funerals have an Order of Serivce paper that families do themselves on a computer, some have professionally printed ones, others don't. It's a matter of choice and cost.
Can't help about the cards in the hearse with the coffin, but someone else here may know about it. Take care.

Savvy_Sue

Our FD sent what we wanted for the order of service to a local printer and then liaised between us until it was right (ie the way I wanted it not the way the printer thought it should be done!) The photo was one of our biggest problems as we only had one taken off a CD, so resolution wasn't good and couldn't be improved, you may find the same thing. (don't ask me what that means, I don't 'do' photos!)

However I do think it's better to take it to a local printers rather than trying to do it at home once you've got it the way you want, you really don't need the stress of ink running out, paper jams etc.

We were recommended not to see dad at the hospital, their words were 'it will be a much softer experience at the chapel of rest'. In the event we didn't go and see him there either, so I can't help with what he'll look like, but I know what you mean about worrying about him being on his own at the hospital. And Mum was worried he'd be cold because they hadn't dressed him in his shirt, tie and cardigan, just his Spurs t-shirt.

davidbaa68

Hi Lisa,

The Department of Work and Pensions should be able to help you regarding the bereavement payment and the grant from the social fund and whether your mum qualifies. If they are saying they are too busy or that sort of thing tell them you can't proceed without knowing because the funeral director wants to know who's paying. They hear that sort of thing all the time anyway so don't worry about applying some pressure.

Also the social fund have a target of 16 days to deal with funeral payment applications and you can apply as soon as you know the date of the funeral. All you need is an invoice from the funeral director to go in with the application which they should oblige if you ask them.

As you are going into church ask the vicar or priest if they provide service sheet, some of them do them themselves, they may be able to put a picture on the front alternatively they may do the inserts and then all you have to do is the cover.

A picture can usually be placed in the back window of the hearse if that's what you want, behind the coffin.

Embalming has 3 benefits, it is a short term preservative, it improves appearance and it sanitises. Generally your dad would look a lot better after he has been prepared for viewing. They will close his eyes and mouth, probably shave him if necessary, comb his hair, (they may also wash his hair), my embalmer also cleans the hands and fingernails. The way I look at it is that when we get the person ready we are giving them their dignity back. The funeral director will normally take you into the room and then leave you there unless you want them to stay.

Another option for the photo is to do a pinboard with lots of photo's on it and have it at the reception, you could also buy a book and ask guests to write in it some of their own memories of him which you can look at afterwards as the day may pass by in a bit of a blur, especially for you being the main person, you will be the one that all the official people look to.

Kind regards,

David.

lisae03

I feel so much better about things today. I've booked and confirmed the Wake Venue and we are doing a small buffet for 40 people (I even managed to haggle and get £20 off the price so quite pleased wth myself)
I've also ordered the flowers.

Thanks Errata but I'm still unsure about seeing him again.
I'm going to look into the order of service paper but I'm on a budget so we'll see. I do think it will be a lovely touch. Myself and his Mother are meeting with the vicar some time this week so will mention it. I think we are going to try and put something together about his life for the service. My Mum is going to write some stuff and send it to me.

David my mum really loved the idea of a Condolance book. I've had a look for some online but they are quite pricey, was hoping to get one for under a tenner so I can fund it myself. I might get a cheaper one and personalise it myself with a photo and words!

This forum has really proved invaluable to me at this sad time x

Errata

I attended a funeral a while ago and the family had written a life story - bit like This is Your Life - about the person who had died. Intersting things, unusual things, funny things, which gave everyone there a sense of the person, especially those who hadn't know him all his life, or for long.

The vicar read it out as he wouldn't break down in floods of tears like a family member would have done, and everyone said afterwards it was so lovely to hear about his life. It wasn't sentimental, in parts it was very honest saying things like he could be a grumpy old so and so sometimes, his temper could be nuclear and he would swear like a trooper on occasion, but he loved his animals, his garden, his grandchildren and the pub. There was a mention of a very naughty stunt he got up to as a young man in the army which made everyone smile. I'm sure you get the idea.
HTH and pleased we've been able to offer you some help during this difficult time.