Help and advice arranging a funeral

margaretclare

You said your step-dad is to be buried in the Midlands, then you mentioned cremation. Which is it?

lisae03

I've not long got back and things are alot clearer now.

Nar you are right the shortfall is estimated to be £1000. His mother seems to have some money but when my mum mentioned she was short she was not very forthcoming although she is 'lending' my mum the up front costs. Mum has made them aware that there is no pension to cover it and the brother and sister haven't offered anything.

We did consider having the wake at my house but I live in a small two up and two down and ruled it out as its just to stressful. Its goning to be a full house as we have to sqeeze them in for sleeping arrangements as it is. I've found a room which is free in a social club so we're going to go with that, he loved nothing better than being in the pub!

They were married and living together. I didn't mean to say buried he is definately being cremated.

We talked about flowers today but its just so expensive, I really wanted to have 'grandad' flowers from my children (3 and 8) as well as the 'dad' ones we are going to have but they come in at over £200. I went all MSE and looked at artificial flowers but the funeral guy seemed taken aback and I felt tight!

RAS

lisae03 wrote: »

We talked about flowers today but its just so expensive, I really wanted to have 'grandad' flowers from my children (3 and 8) as well as the 'dad' ones we are going to have but they come in at over £200. I went all MSE and looked at artificial flowers but the funeral guy seemed taken aback and I felt tight!

Remember he is running a business and his role is to get you to spend as much as possible.

Get what you can afford, nothing more than that.

belfastgirl23

lisae03 wrote: »

I've not long got back and things are alot clearer now.

Nar you are right the shortfall is estimated to be £1000. His mother seems to have some money but when my mum mentioned she was short she was not very forthcoming although she is 'lending' my mum the up front costs. Mum has made them aware that there is no pension to cover it and the brother and sister haven't offered anything.

We did consider having the wake at my house but I live in a small two up and two down and ruled it out as its just to stressful. Its goning to be a full house as we have to sqeeze them in for sleeping arrangements as it is. I've found a room which is free in a social club so we're going to go with that, he loved nothing better than being in the pub!

They were married and living together. I didn't mean to say buried he is definately being cremated.

We talked about flowers today but its just so expensive, I really wanted to have 'grandad' flowers from my children (3 and 8) as well as the 'dad' ones we are going to have but they come in at over £200. I went all MSE and looked at artificial flowers but the funeral guy seemed taken aback and I felt tight!

At this time of year you would be absolutely CRAZY to put real flowers on a grave. They'll be rotted overnight with the frost. Stuff them, it's your choice. I had a relative who died over Xmas last year and three days afterwards we had to remove virtually all of the wreaths - hundreds of pounds worth of flowers and all they were was a sodden mess. My very sensible aunt chose an artificial wreath and it hasn't been removed yet. So stick to your guns!

Also tbh I think any spare cash will end up going towards funeral arrangements, I'm sure your SD would be horrified to think he had left debt behind for anyone and would much prefer you put your money towards where it helped her rather than flowers for a grave.

Sounds like the pub arrangement's a good'un to me.

Well done for all you achieved today!

pandora205

You can arrange your own flowers - My sister did that for us at our mother's funeral. She bought large bunches from local florist and supermarket and three oases (those spongy centres for displays) and made lovely displays herself. I was very sceptical when she suggested it but they were perfect. It cost us about £12 for each one I think and they looked very professional. We just brought them along to the funeral ourselves and put them at the graveside on display.

NAR

lisae03 wrote: »

I've found a room which is free in a social club so we're going to go with that, he loved nothing better than being in the pub!

This is a "normal" venue where I live, and as he was a sociable guy I'm sure he would approve. :beer:

We talked about flowers today but its just so expensive, I really wanted to have 'grandad' flowers from my children (3 and 8) as well as the 'dad' ones we are going to have but they come in at over £200. I went all MSE and looked at artificial flowers but the funeral guy seemed taken aback and I felt tight!

I totally agree with belfastgirl23 here; get flowers that will last and save yourself a lot of money.

You are nearly there lisa - well done.

chickaroonee

Very sorry for your loss.

You don't have to have flowers at all, for my funeral I would prefer people to make a donation to charity if they wish rather than flowers, but that is completely up to you.

Also it is fine to go to a pub and people buy drinks, or if you'd prefer just ask a few close friends and family to do a homemade buffet. There really is no need for a huge catered event, again I wouldn't expect this.

Hope you manage to get through this, and again, sorry for your loss.

davidbaa68

Hi,

I'm an independent funeral director in Liverpool. Just thought I'd mention a couple of things. As you have mentioned the £2000 bereavement payment, I assume your stepdad was under retirement age as this is an automatic payment to the spouse when somebody dies before retirement.

The funeral payment from the social fund provides some help for the funeral costs, £700 towards the funeral directors charges plus the cremation fee and the doctors certificates fee which will be necessary if the coroner is not involved. Your mum sounds like she would qualify from what you have said about her circumstances in your posts.

The content of the funeral service and things like fake or real flowers are entirely up to the family, the funeral director should not judge you whatever you decide to do. It is our job to do what you want.

Regarding flowers, personally I think a funeral with no flowers is very sad indeed, however one arrangement is all you need and it doesn't need to be big, my local florist will do a very nice hand tied bouquet for £25 which would go on top of the coffin and look fine.

The most important thing you can do is make the service personal, the most memorable funerals are the ones when the family has contributed themselves and put there own mark on it, with music, readings and tributes. All of these things cost nothing.

One last thing one of the earlier posts said the funeral director wanted to sell you as much as possible. A responsible funeral director should try and help you to budget, as the last thing he wants is a bad debt or a family telling people that they were sold a funeral they couldn't afford. If you feel they are trying to offer you something you can't afford, make some phone calls to other funeral directors to compare prices, you may be surprised. Don't think that you can't go somewhere else because they already have your stepdad, because you can.

I hope this has helped, if you need any more information please send me a private message.

I really hope everything goes well, it sounds like your doing really well.

David.

Savvy_Sue

getcarter wrote: »

I'm fairly sure that the funeral parlour people request money in advance - too many people skipping out of paying.

I'm still waiting for the bill for Dad's funeral, and that was a week before Christmas!

lisae03 wrote: »

We talked about flowers today but its just so expensive, I really wanted to have 'grandad' flowers from my children (3 and 8) as well as the 'dad' ones we are going to have but they come in at over £200. I went all MSE and looked at artificial flowers but the funeral guy seemed taken aback and I felt tight!

'grandad' and 'dad will cost a lot, but as others have said, simple flowers direct from a local florist shouldn't be that bad.

We ordered a trug planted up with things Mum can plant out if the snow ever goes from the grandchildren, and a simple bouquet from us children. We took both of those away from the crem with us, and the bouquet was still doing fine a week later. Mum had a fancier arrangement which we left at the crem, as she said, there was nothing she could do with it at home, and it was nice to leave something for Dad. The announcement said 'family flowers only'.

rsdiscos

My dad passed away on the 14th December and his funeral was on Christmas Eve. We realised to our cost people don't eat much at these things. We put together a powerpoint of scanned photos from throughout dad's life that was projected on a wall it really helped to start conversations and recall memories which was nice.