Debt Free by 40 Debt Diary

oakdale_minx

My problem is that I've never liked confrontation. It's weird, I just can't physically open my mouth and say 'we need to talk' etc unless something is completely dragged out of me......It's a mixture of things.....he shows me no emotion - ever, he comments about pretty girls on the TV, he has no physical or emotional interest in me, if I'm 'bold' and give him a kiss when he's sitting onthe sofa, he goes 'that's it you've had your quota' after one . Yesterday morning he turned over in bed and his arm went across me, he realised and quickly moved it. I said 'you can put your arm around me' and he ignored me.

Trouble is, if I raise anything like this he gets very defensive, and I end up feeling guilty . He admits he has a problem, then it all gets forgotten about . We have no social life. At all. We never go anywhere, at the weekends he goes home during the day, if I say, occasionally (knowing I'll get a knock back), 'do you fancy going out tonight' he always says 'not really, but if that's what you want'.... I'll say at the weekends - 'we should do something today ' - he's never said yes yet...he does nothing spontaneous for us - ever.....no birthday, christmas, valentine, anniversary cards - ever.......no birthday present this year.....and then, there's the money thing.....

sorry, I'll stop boring you all !!!!.......I'm at work at the moment and to be honest, I just want to be at home with the doors closed.....

oakdale_minx

Got home to find a letter from the Abbey solicitors as I expected. They say they don't have a breakdown of how I got to the £610 blah blah blah, so using the faby CAG site I've emailed them back with my spreadsheet and i'm popping a copy in the post as well.

Did my letter before action for my second Abbey claim and added inthis months charges, so I'm now going for £2,904.50 .

Phoned the compliance guy at citicards and he is going to get my statements out today. Fab. Glad I called.

Have had a horrid thought though- he said my June 05 statement was missing. This is weird as the account went to a DCA in 2002/2003 and I paid a full andfinal settlement to the DCA. I've not had a card or used the account since 2002 ish.

I'm now concerned that the account was never fully closed down and they just sold the debt on to a DCA, who I paid (would obviously do things differently now Iknow about these things happening) thinking I was paying it off my CC.

I'm hoping I'm not going to get a whole raft of statements saying the amount is still on my account. As far as I was concernced it was paid in full and I do have a letter to prove this, but it isn't from the CC company - it's from the DCA. If it is still sitting there , they might just refund the charges tothe account and i'll have paid the DCA AND had the balance cleared through refunded charges. damn.

ZTD

oakdale_minx wrote:

My problem is that I've never liked confrontation. It's weird, I just can't physically open my mouth and say 'we need to talk' etc unless something is completely dragged out of me......It's a mixture of things.....he shows me no emotion - ever, he comments about pretty girls on the TV, he has no physical or emotional interest in me, if I'm 'bold' and give him a kiss when he's sitting onthe sofa, he goes 'that's it you've had your quota' after one . Yesterday morning he turned over in bed and his arm went across me, he realised and quickly moved it. I said 'you can put your arm around me' and he ignored me.

Trouble is, if I raise anything like this he gets very defensive, and I end up feeling guilty . He admits he has a problem, then it all gets forgotten about .

Have you thought about seeing Relate ("it's not just for married people") They'll try to help you overcome your communication problems and try to help you both find some more common ground, and a bit more of an action-plan to help pull you together.

oakdale_minx wrote:

sorry, I'll stop boring you all !!!!.......I'm at work at the moment and to be honest, I just want to be at home with the doors closed.....

No, it's not boring at all, and so stop putting yourself down. It sounds like you're feeling a little bit down-in-the-dumps. I'd like to offer advice, but unfortunately, the only thing I can offer you are platitudes, so I won't. Talk with family/friends. There's always one of them that's done something so stupid that you can't help laughing.

Or is that just the people I'm related to?

Sorry you're having problems.

oakdale_minx

thankyou ZTD.........there's no way he'd ever go to Relate - he admits he is a head in the sand kind of bloke....

All my family are scattered around the county and I don't have many close friends. To be honest, I'd be a bit scared (that isn't the right word but can't think of another) of admitting that things weren't brilliant - he was seen as my knight in shining armour who rescued me from my ex (a heavy drinker who was fine during the day but verbally , mentally and physically abusive by night), I don't think I'm ready to tell anyone else (other than you lovely fab people!!)that there are problems.

I decided to try the treat him mean, keep him keen for the last two mornings - each day the only physical contact we have is a quick peck before I leave for work -and I initiate that, soi've left each day without doing it and he's looked a bit confused. this morning, as he left he approached me for a kiss - maybe I should make him do the running!!!!

Anyway........that's all not really why I'm here is it!!!

Went to Asda last night - blimey there were some bargains!!! The small one closes at 9, and they do their double reductions at 6pm. There was so much bread at 10p it was unbelievable. I got a tray of turkey breast steaks for 99p, a turkey joint for 99p, plus loads of other reduced stuff. I spent £21 and that will last until Thursday. As I only had £12 in my bank account, I paid by CC. On Monday, when my IMS money (hopefully ) arrives in my account, i'll transfer £21 of it over onto the CC I used.

I've only spent £52 on supermarket shopping so far this month, it's very hard, but I'm amazed how little can be spent with lots andlots of planning!

Off to the PO this morning to send my reply to the Abbey solicitors about Claim 1 (the £610 one) as well as a letter before action to the Abbey for my second claim for £2,904.50!!

And - my citicard statements arrived - yaaaaaayyyy!!

They end at June 03 when the a/c went to a DCA. The end balance is still showing as £1500 . I'm waiting for advice on the CAG board what to do, but, there is £350 in charges I can claim back!! I just need to make sure they (eventually ) issue it as a cheque rather than finding a way of applying it to my old account (luckily Iahve the F+F settlemt letter from the DCA to prove I've paid it)

With the two abbey claims, that will total virtually £4,000 in charges. The capital one statements will probably give me another £250 - £300 in charges, so I'm hoping that by the Autumn by unsecured debt will be down to approx £1500 - £1750 or so. Then i'll up the payments as high as I can to clear the remaining amount and then look, probably in the Spring to increase my monthly payments on my secured loan to reduce the term on that.

Well, that's the grand plan anyway!!!

grimelda

Oh no, Oakdale Minx. I had a boyfriend who refused to tell me he loved me, because 'I am not sure what love is, and I don't know if I love you'. He was quite content to have sex with me, go out with me, read me poetry, even live with me for over two years, but he didn't love me. He acted like he loved me but he didn't. After a while he decided to move overseas. He said 'If I don't see the world now, I never will'. It was very easy for him to go, because he didn't love me. He even told me as much. I just didn't pay attention. Like you I made excuses for him. It took me almost a year to get over it, but he was s****ing other women in Canada less then two months later.

Please don't waste yourself on someone who doesn't return your affection. He has already told you he doesn't love you. He really, really means it!

Sorry. You have my wholehearted sympathy. I know what it feels like to love someone who doesn't reciprocate. I had a good time with him but I wish I'd had the self respect to ditch him the first time he told me didn't love me.

grimelda

melabarrie wrote:

remember though, you're the one who has taught him for three years that it's alright to not tell you that he loves you. you haven't pushed it, you've justified it all in your mind. you've given yourself reasons for his behaviour. and you've seen that this behaviour only applies to you.

so you have to decide what you're willing to live with. and if his not telling you that he loves you is only a minor hiccup that happens once every few years or so that you're willing to live with, when he shows you all the time that he loves you. or if his not being able to express himself is permeating itself into other aspects of your relationship.

Admittedly I only have the limited information Oakdale Minx has given here, but it sounds to me like there's to it than him not expressing himself.

I learnt the hard way that when a guy tells you he doesn't love you, he really means it! The boyfriend I mentioned above acted like he loved me. He called me from work most days. When he went out with his friends he'd call me during the evening. He took me out to nice places. He introduced me to his friends and family. He acted like he cared, and perhaps he did care for me a bit, but he just didn't love me and he told me as much. I wish I'd paid more attention to that.

ZTD

oakdale_minx wrote:

thankyou ZTD.........there's no way he'd ever go to Relate - he admits he is a head in the sand kind of bloke....

Does he do that "come with you for the support" kind of thing? Then you go, and he can come with you for support...

oakdale_minx wrote:

All my family are scattered around the county and I don't have many close friends.

It's the same here, but I phone my mother - font of all gossip - and find out what my uncles/aunties/cousins (and their offspring) are doing. It's a bit like a soap opera, except the acting is better.

oakdale_minx wrote:

I decided to try the treat him mean, keep him keen for the last two mornings - each day the only physical contact we have is a quick peck before I leave for work -and I initiate that, soi've left each day without doing it and he's looked a bit confused. this morning, as he left he approached me for a kiss - maybe I should make him do the running!!!!

Well some people don't value things as much if they are given freely. Make him work for it!

oakdale_minx wrote:

Anyway........that's all not really why I'm here is it!!!

It's your diary, you're here for whatever reason you want to be.

oakdale_minx wrote:

Went to Asda last night - blimey there were some bargains!!! The small one closes at 9, and they do their double reductions at 6pm. There was so much bread at 10p it was unbelievable. I got a tray of turkey breast steaks for 99p, a turkey joint for 99p, plus loads of other reduced stuff.

I find the trouble with that is there is bread very cheap, then biscuits, then doughnuts, then there are biscuits very cheap. Did I mention the cheap doughnuts?

So when I go into that section, it's a case of: "Focus Trinity." Though obviously, I don't go shopping dressed like that.

oakdale_minx wrote:

With the two abbey claims, that will total virtually £4,000 in charges. The capital one statements will probably give me another £250 - £300 in charges, so I'm hoping that by the Autumn by unsecured debt will be down to approx £1500 - £1750 or so. Then i'll up the payments as high as I can to clear the remaining amount and then look, probably in the Spring to increase my monthly payments on my secured loan to reduce the term on that.

Well, that's the grand plan anyway!!!

This is sounding like a pretty good grand plan! But check your secured loan doesn't have penalty clauses for early payment(s).

ZTD

grimelda wrote:

Admittedly I only have the limited information Oakdale Minx has given here,

Ooh, sounds like you're backtracking now...

grimelda wrote:

but it sounds to me like there's to it than him not expressing himself.

There might be. Apparently many people, (don't ask me where I read this because I can't remember) when dropped into the "we need to talk" situation, have all their emotions well up at once (it's called "surging") which triggers unpleasant physical effects (heart racing etc) which triggers the fight-or-flight reflex. This is why many people avoid these "we need to talk" situations, because they feel unpleasant. This is why I would always look to problems with communication first.

grimelda wrote:

He acted like he cared, and perhaps he did care for me a bit, but he just didn't love me and he told me as much. I wish I'd paid more attention to that.

Your conclusion for the Oakdale Minx's situation is not unlikely (hmm, that's very politician speak isn't it? :rotfl:) but sometimes it's better to start from a position of hope.

Hope makes a good breakfast, but a poor supper.

oakdale_minx

Thankyou for you kind comments and thoughts - it's still all at the front of my thoughts...

anyway....Got in touch online with my Senior Researcher with AQA , and i've arranged my online introduction . It will be Tuesday evening . I really want to get started on this, Ithink I'll really enjoy it. I'll be interested to see just how many questions do come through every day, I'd never have thought it would be popular to text a question, but apparently it is!

Got a bit of a shock yesterday - albeit a nice one. I input the citicards charges into the CAG website spreadsheet and, if they don't pay out before I issue a court claim (unlikely), i'll also get £100 in interest. Very nice.

However - the shock came when I copied my big Abbey claim figures into the spreadsheet calculator......if they don't give me the money back on my £2,904.50 claim before I file a claim on the 30 July, I will be able to add £936 in interest !!!!!!!!!! Yes, £936!!!!! I nearly fell off the chair!!!! It's because the charges are so old (2000 - 2003) that the interest is so much.

My capital one statements will be about 250 in charges and probably about £60 ish in interest......so adding it all together, I will be looking to re-coup (as long as they all refuse to pay out before court), around £5,300!!!!

Blimey.........:eek: :T :beer: :j

Made the most fab pudding last night from reduced asda custard doughnuts. Kind of like a bread and butter pudding..........it was lush.......

I have to say though, although I may be decreasing my debt with this fantastic website, my waistline is definitely increasing with allthe fantastic puddings over on the OS board!!!!!!!!!! :eek: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

oakdale_minx

PS - ZTD - is your name Trinity (you said you say 'focus Trinity')...........cool name if it is..........