Help please - my bf keeps shouting at me!

MrsAnnie

I agree with Money maker. This is not a relationship that anyone should be in.

He is demeaning you and trying to dominate you through shouting and outright verbally abuse. Granted, he has not hit you, but nasty insults are just as awful abd can do seroius emotional damage in the long term. I think he is trying to place all the anger and insecurities he has inside of himself and place them on you so that you can be dragged down to his level.

Until he addresses and learns to cope with HIS issues, I think that he will continue to belittle you.

How long have you known him before you started dating? I am just wondering if he was like this before? Because I would bet that this behavoiur has nothing to do with your disabilities, but rather his own deep seeded troubles.

Primrose

Perhaps you moving in together was not the right decision in the first place.

It's possible your boyfriend didn't know you as well as he thought it did and really wasn't ready for the commitment which he now finds himself facing.

You say you don't want to leave and get on really well, but if your boyfriend is shouting at you all the time, this hardly seems to be the case. Perhaps you should consider moving out again and having your own space until he has really sorted out all his own issues.

loveangel88

Leave him. If he cant accept you for who you are, disabilities and all..then he aint worth having frankly. Im deaf and my boyfriend does not hold it against me at all in any way.

Lotus-eater

Primrose wrote: »

It's possible your boyfriend didn't know you as well as he thought it did and really wasn't ready for the commitment which he now finds himself facing.

I think this may well be right.

Shouting is often frustration, he's frustrated about something, or lots of somethings. Shouldn't be your problem, but in a relationship that's the sort of thing you often try (and fail) to help each other out with. You shouldn't put up with it and you should let him know that, but you do need to realise there will be some reason for it.

However, swearing and calling you names isn't within reasonable behavior and you definately shouldn't put up with it. If you let it carry on, it will get worse, as he will know he can push you further.

Give him an ultimatum, if he doesn't change, move out. Up to you then if you want to give him another chance or not.

grey_lady

I think you should actually leave and not talk to him for a couple of weeks. Gives both of you some space to think things through. You've given him the warnings that you will if he doesnt stop shouting but you've not followed through and actually left so he knows that it's just a bluff.

You can't change him, he doesnt want to change himself and relationships shouldnt be that hard.

TBH he should be very ashamed of himself for what he called you.

mikey72

Oh_Dearie wrote: »

He says he is scared that I will leave him as he feels that I am too good for him, and also his ex kept telling him everything was fine and then left him. When I say to him that he needs to learn not to keep shouting at me because he will eventually lose me, I apparently just reinforce that fear!

When he is shouting and trying to get his point over, he tells blatant lies in order to try and score points. When that doesn't work, he will start putting me down and calling me names - F**k**g Ignorant C**t was one! I'm usually left reeling, and definitely don't feel like rewarding that behaviour! It's affecting our sex life too. When we are in a good period, he is such a lovely person, really caring, and I feel loving towards him. When he has been shouting and calling me names, I lose all respect for him and definitely don't feel I want to sleep with him! The other day when he was having a rant, he told me "I had taken that side of our relationship away from him!"

The counselling was paid for by an employee support scheme from work, but he has changed jobs now, and doesn't get home from work until late due to commuting. We can afford the counselling, but now have a lack of time. Due to my disabilities, I have to get up at 5.30am when I am working, so Friday usually need to sleep for 12 hours to catch up. He tends to do his own thing on Saturday morning, and then we go out together in the afternoon. Most of the counselling places I have seen only open in the morning, so I would have to give up sleep to get there which will have a knock on effect into the next week for me. I don't want to lose my job due to being too tired to function properly!

Some men shout when they're frustrated. Some punch a hole in the wall. Some go down the pub. It's hormones.

There was a good signature of someone on here. I can't remember who, so I hope they won't mind me repeating it, along the lines of

"Women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved"
It also draws an end to the arguement, as opposed to letting it drag on all night.

He appears to want to say together, if he instigated the first counselling, and he will go again, but it's your choice as to what's more important to your relationship, sleep or counselling. If you feel you should end now do it though, don't drag it on.

Lotus-eater

mikey72 wrote: »

Some men shout when they're frustrated. Some punch a hole in the wall. Some go down the pub. It's hormones.

Absolute rubbish. What is right, is that some men will punch a hole in the wall, some men will go down the pub, some men will hit you and some men won't do any of that, some men will be frustrated and still treat you like a human being.

mikey72 wrote: »

"Women need to feel loved to have sex, men need to have sex to feel loved"

Which, however you look at it, is true, unfortunate, but true. Men really are like that. Women don't understand it (in general) and men don't realise (or want to know) that women don't understand it.

There are good men out there, just as there are good women, it's just a matter of getting them together.

Bananabelly

My ex had a temper problem which I found unbelievable in someone his age (30's). He could blow up over very small things, and I was frustrated because I wanted to talk things out - he was so angry he would explode! He never called me names though, and it wasn't why we broke up.

Some strategies that worked were him counting to ten, or going somewhere else to cool down and then coming back to talk about it. That is what the counsellor should be giving you, is ways to still talk about your problems, etc without him shouting. No one should be called those names,ever. It is unacceptable.

mikey72

Lotus-eater wrote: »

Absolute rubbish. What is right, is that some men will punch a hole in the wall, some men will go down the pub, some men will hit you and some men won't do any of that, some men will be frustrated and still treat you like a human being.

Which, however you look at it, is true, unfortunate, but true. Men really are like that. Women don't understand it (in general) and men don't realise (or want to know) that women don't understand it.

There are good men out there, just as there are good women, it's just a matter of getting them together.

Isn't the second response ever so slightly biased, women are like that also, and if that's how men try to make up after a row, their partner can understand and attempt to meet them halfway. Sometimes men aren't good with words, yes, we say things we regret, with no way to take them back, so a physical act becomes the way of making up.

And just to prove that I'm from Mars, isn't your first response the same as I posted?

Lotus-eater

mikey72 wrote: »

And just to prove that I'm from Mars, isn't your first response the same as I posted?

No, you were saying punching the wall is down to hormones, it's not, it's down to an aggressive man.
Alot of women seem to think that it's normal for men to act like this, it's not.

It's been my privilege to know lots and lots of different people, from different backgrounds, from very very hard soldiers to very very soft office workers. It doesn't matter their background or job, the good ones treat their families well without aggression, the bad ones don't.
It's really that simple.