Help please - my bf keeps shouting at me!

Oh_Dearie

Hi

This is an AE as I know a few people on here, and I've not admitted this to anyone previously but I'm running out of patience

I've been with my bf for nearly 2 years, and living together for a year. I have disabilities, but I do work, and contribute financially equally to the household

My problem is that he seems unable to hold a conversation with me without resorting to shouting aggressively at me. It doesn't seem to matter what the topic of the conversation is, he just seems so defensive and will react in a way that seems really inappropriately to me. If things don't seem to be going his way, he will scream and stamp his feet like a 4 year old instead of talking issues through calmly

we have had 3 sessions of counselling together, and the counsellor believes this is frustration due to my disabilities, and him not being able to go out with his mates 5 times a week now I'm living here, and that we need to learn to communicate better. He has admitted it is wrong and that I don't deserve it, and has made many promises to change so I don't leave him, but nothing ever changes! He says he doesn't want to go out all the time, and wants me here, so why?

The counselling is over now as we only got a few sessions paid for, but tbh, I don't think the couples counselling is the most effective method. I think he has unresolved issues of his own which he needs to work through with a counsellor alone

I have tried ignoring the outbursts, and I have tried responding in the same tone to no avail. I am actually a really calm person, and dislike arguments. I prefer to sit and talk everything through, not shouting matches!

I don't want to leave cos we get on really well, and he has never hit me etc, but I'm coming to the conclusion that the light bulb will not properly go on in his head until I reach the end of my tether and actually leave!

Does anyone have any advice on how we can work this out please?

Lilith1980

Hi

My other half sounds similar in that if i talk to him about certain things, he becomes very defensive and I am still coming to terms with the fact that his defensiveness is not about me, it's HIS stuff. (I am on a counselling training course you see and learning all sorts!)

So it may be your other half has his own issues, but unfortunately, you cannot force someone to go to see a therapist, well you can but I don't think the results would be as promising as if they went off their own back.

Is it possible to sit down with him and try and talk further about it?

We had counselling at Relate last year and a technique we were told is one person speaks for 5-10 minutes without the other person interrupting, then the other person speaks for 5-10 minutes with no interruptions.

If your partner does have frustrations then it's not fair that he is taking these out on you, but unfortunately you cannot force him into counselling so maybe the two of you having a chat about it would be a start? If he will not seek help and this carries on then maybe you need to look at what is best for you, even start thinking about that now. This could potentially drag you down if it hasn't done so already.

Errata

I'm perlexed, you say you get on really well but he can't have a conversation with you without shouting aggressively at you ? Wny are you staying with him ?
You make a point of mentioning that he's never hit you - do you expect him to ?

choille

Some people just aren't compatable end of. No matter how much you try & how much of the talking stuff you do it won't change. If he's shouting at you aggressively all the time, he's not happy with the situation. He's not happy & if I was you I'd get out of this relationship as it's not healthy.
Someone that behaves as he is doing has no emotional intelligence & it's unlikely they will change.

SailorSam

Binbag him.

worriedsik

OP..because somebody doesn't hit you doesn't mean that you get along ! i worry that you say this as if its a bonus !
Also you shouldnt have to leave in order for somebody to appreciate you and respect you.
Working this out.....is talking problems through , letting your OH know how unhappy you are with the situation and see if it can be resolved
You cannot change somebody if he is not willing to talk about things then maybee you are wrong for eachother.
somebody who is always on the defensive is & is not going to talk then how else can it be solved ?

good luck & maybee its time to think about yourself

BitterAndTwisted

My tactic when being shouted at is to respond, once they finally draw breath, in my quietest voice possible. If that doesn't work, withdraw and come back later and ask why he's so angry with you all the time when you don't feel that you deserve be treated like some Lance-Corporal by the Company Sergeant-Major.

If he doesn't mend his ways, you have to consider leaving. He's patently got some uresolved issues and you're not his counsellor so you really can't help him with this on your own.

Mupette

Ask him should he go for a hearing test if he feels he needs to shout

tandraig

you can try this technique - I call it the dripping tap. when he starts shouting at you tell him 'I refuse to carry on this discussion while you are shouting at me'. Then you just keep repeating it - over and over until the message sinks in and he stops shouting. you say it in a monotone no expression hun. dont be sidetracked or raise or lower your voice. just say it as if announcing the next train!
but to be honest - I AM wondering why you seem to think you get along?

savingsteve_2

Shouting to be heard or shouting so as not to hear??? I unfortunately know a couple of people like this. In one its due to her feeling inadequate and feeling that she needs to be the center of attention, the other is selfish - would have a fit and sulk if they did'nt get what they wanted (even on very trivial matters).

There has to be a cut off point for this surely? If you're unhappy and are being treated so badly (it is abusive) you need to think of yourself and you're long term plans for a happy future.

I do feel sorry for you - its his problem not yours - hope you come to a decision that's best for you.

pinkshoes

The second he starts shouting, just walk away calmly, pick up a book, sit down, and start reading it. If he continues shouting, just ignore him, and continue to ignore him until he starts talking to your calmly again. If he gets shouty again, pick up the book again!

There's nothing worse than trying to shout at a person when they're quite blatantly ignoring you and not paying you the slightest bit of attention or reacting. This is why the above method works.

Personally I would not stand for that type of behaviour, and would put up a "3 strikes and you're out" board, adding a strike for each time he shouts, and walking out on the 3rd occasion.