Help please - my bf keeps shouting at me!

rainbow81

Hi there

I know it is not easy to just walk out and leave someone if there are also good bits to your relationship too, which there obviously must be.

However, and I am sure you know this, you don't deserve to be treated like this. My ex shouted at me for the last time on Christmas Day, he had also promised to change time and time again and been to counselling off his own back but when it came down to it, when he's stressed that's how he behaves. I realised I can't change his behaviour, what's more I am sick of trying to calm him down and avoiding issues that might get his goat.

Relationships are supposed to be pretty equal and filled with love and respect and mutual understanding as far as I am concerned.

I think you may have to accept that's the way he is and go along living like that, or else move out. I left my ex too many times, I am embarrassed about it now, but I always went back because he was so nice...until we were a couple again, a few weeks later it would all start.

You don't deserve to be anyone's emotional punchbag.

Good luck with whatever happens, now and in the future.

x

mikey72

Oh_Dearie wrote: »

Hi

This is an AE as I know a few people on here, and I've not admitted this to anyone previously but I'm running out of patience

I've been with my bf for nearly 2 years, and living together for a year. I have disabilities, but I do work, and contribute financially equally to the household

My problem is that he seems unable to hold a conversation with me without resorting to shouting aggressively at me. It doesn't seem to matter what the topic of the conversation is, he just seems so defensive and will react in a way that seems really inappropriately to me. If things don't seem to be going his way, he will scream and stamp his feet like a 4 year old instead of talking issues through calmly

we have had 3 sessions of counselling together, and the counsellor believes this is frustration due to my disabilities, and him not being able to go out with his mates 5 times a week now I'm living here, and that we need to learn to communicate better. He has admitted it is wrong and that I don't deserve it, and has made many promises to change so I don't leave him, but nothing ever changes! He says he doesn't want to go out all the time, and wants me here, so why?

The counselling is over now as we only got a few sessions paid for, but tbh, I don't think the couples counselling is the most effective method. I think he has unresolved issues of his own which he needs to work through with a counsellor alone

I have tried ignoring the outbursts, and I have tried responding in the same tone to no avail. I am actually a really calm person, and dislike arguments. I prefer to sit and talk everything through, not shouting matches!

I don't want to leave cos we get on really well, and he has never hit me etc, but I'm coming to the conclusion that the light bulb will not properly go on in his head until I reach the end of my tether and actually leave!

Does anyone have any advice on how we can work this out please?

How did the relate councellor say you should improve your communication? If your partner is frustrated, is there anything you can do to improve it?

Oh_Dearie

Rainbow - I think we are in the same boat as they sound very similar. He says his biggest fear is that I will leave him, but everytime he shouts at me, it makes that one step nearr being a reality

I don't want to leave, but I'm not sure how much more I can take. I've moved an hour away from all my friends, and my mum. I have a job up here now, and due to my disabilities, living on my own up here will make life difficult as I don't drive. I will have to deicde whether I accept it, move out and get my own place up here and keep my job, or leave the job and go back to my home town

The counsellor did not focus on how our communication should be improved, but spent the time working out what the frustrations were. To me that misses the point. Everyone in this life will always feel frustrated at some point, but the important thing is how we dal with those frustrations. It is not acceptable to start shouting everytime. One has to learn how to react in a more socially acceptable manner. What upsets me most is that when I ask his xlosest friends when was the last time they saw him angry etc, they can't even remember as it was years ago! For me, it can be every day for a week, then all is fine for a week. When we were at the counsellor, I brought up the same subjects that would make him flip at home, yet he reacted calmly in front of her because it is 'wrong' which shows he does know how to behave, he just chooses not to with me!

Debt_Free_Chick

Unreasonable, irrational behaviour is usually down to one cause .... fear!

He's afraid and the key is to find out what he's afraid of (we're all afraid, I promise you!!)

I think you should consider more counselling. It seemed to start to "unlock the door" but needed to go further. I pay only £30 ph for counselling - could you find a local counsellor at a cost you can share/afford?

Oh_Dearie

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

Unreasonable, irrational behaviour is usually down to one cause .... fear!

He's afraid and the key is to find out what he's afraid of (we're all afraid, I promise you!!)

I think you should consider more counselling. It seemed to start to "unlock the door" but needed to go further. I pay only £30 ph for counselling - could you find a local counsellor at a cost you can share/afford?

He says he is scared that I will leave him as he feels that I am too good for him, and also his ex kept telling him everything was fine and then left him. When I say to him that he needs to learn not to keep shouting at me because he will eventually lose me, I apparently just reinforce that fear!

When he is shouting and trying to get his point over, he tells blatant lies in order to try and score points. When that doesn't work, he will start putting me down and calling me names - F**k**g Ignorant C**t was one! I'm usually left reeling, and definitely don't feel like rewarding that behaviour! It's affecting our sex life too. When we are in a good period, he is such a lovely person, really caring, and I feel loving towards him. When he has been shouting and calling me names, I lose all respect for him and definitely don't feel I want to sleep with him! The other day when he was having a rant, he told me "I had taken that side of our relationship away from him!"

The counselling was paid for by an employee support scheme from work, but he has changed jobs now, and doesn't get home from work until late due to commuting. We can afford the counselling, but now have a lack of time. Due to my disabilities, I have to get up at 5.30am when I am working, so Friday usually need to sleep for 12 hours to catch up. He tends to do his own thing on Saturday morning, and then we go out together in the afternoon. Most of the counselling places I have seen only open in the morning, so I would have to give up sleep to get there which will have a knock on effect into the next week for me. I don't want to lose my job due to being too tired to function properly!

Debt_Free_Chick

Oh_Dearie wrote: »

He says he is scared that I will leave him as he feels that I am too good for him

Incredibly spooky!!! My relationship failed when my fear of this overcame me - I've never felt "good enough" and feared my partner would leave me. How spooky is that????

I can only speculate, but this is how I see things

When he is shouting and trying to get his point over, he tells blatant lies in order to try and score points.

He is trying to "prove worth" by "scoring points". He is trying to show you (and himself) that he "is right" and in being right, he is a worthy person.

When that doesn't work, he will start putting me down and calling me names

Blame transference. He is trying to make himself feel better, by putting you down If you're "lower" than him, then he feels better

- F**k**g Ignorant C**t was one! I'm usually left reeling, and definitely don't feel like rewarding that behaviour!

His behaviour is extreme, IMHO - but that may just reflect how scared he is. I'm not saying you should soak it up, but perhaps try to detach his behaviour from his true feelings.

It's affecting our sex life too. When we are in a good period, he is such a lovely person, really caring, and I feel loving towards him. When he has been shouting and calling me names, I lose all respect for him and definitely don't feel I want to sleep with him! The other day when he was having a rant, he told me "I had taken that side of our relationship away from him!"

The counselling was paid for by an employee support scheme from work, but he has changed jobs now, and doesn't get home from work until late due to commuting. We can afford the counselling, but now have a lack of time. Due to my disabilities, I have to get up at 5.30am when I am working, so Friday usually need to sleep for 12 hours to catch up. He tends to do his own thing on Saturday morning, and then we go out together in the afternoon. Most of the counselling places I have seen only open in the morning, so I would have to give up sleep to get there which will have a knock on effect into the next week for me. I don't want to lose my job due to being too tired to function properly!

But, please, do try to find a counsellor. It doesn't work for many people, but it seemed to be working for you both

If you love him and want a relationship with him, this is one occasion when you need to "give" - of your time, support and understanding

Only you can judge whether that's a risk you want to take.

Re the behaviour/feelings thing .... it's human nature to draw conclusions about other people, based on their behaviour. But the human pysche is so complex that behaviour tells you nothing about what the other person is actually feeling. Understanding their feelings - even guessing at them - can help you to understand and deal with their (irrational) behaviour.

HTH

Oh_Dearie

Debt_Free_Chick wrote: »

Incredibly spooky!!! My relationship failed when my fear of this overcame me - I've never felt "good enough" and feared my partner would leave me. How spooky is that????

I can only speculate, but this is how I see things



He is trying to "prove worth" by "scoring points". He is trying to show you (and himself) that he "is right" and in being right, he is a worthy person.



Blame transference. He is trying to make himself feel better, by putting you down If you're "lower" than him, then he feels better



His behaviour is extreme, IMHO - but that may just reflect how scared he is. I'm not saying you should soak it up, but perhaps try to detach his behaviour from his true feelings.



But, please, do try to find a counsellor. It doesn't work for many people, but it seemed to be working for you both

If you love him and want a relationship with him, this is one occasion when you need to "give" - of your time, support and understanding

Only you can judge whether that's a risk you want to take.

Re the behaviour/feelings thing .... it's human nature to draw conclusions about other people, based on their behaviour. But the human pysche is so complex that behaviour tells you nothing about what the other person is actually feeling. Understanding their feelings - even guessing at them - can help you to understand and deal with their (irrational) behaviour.

HTH

Thank you! That's an incredibly insightful post. I really struggle to understand his behaviour as it doesn't make any sense to me. The way you've explained it does seem to translate it very well

I guess I feel resentful that on top of everything else I have to deal with on a daily basis just to keep myself going, I now have to 'give' even more to sort him out. But equally, I am here of my own making so I do really owe it to myself and him to make the effort. In your case, were you the one with the insecurity issues, and your partner left you? It's really helpful to hear the other side of the story, so thanks for taking the time x

Debt_Free_Chick

Oh_Dearie wrote: »

Thank you! That's an incredibly insightful post. I really struggle to understand his behaviour as it doesn't make any sense to me. The way you've explained it does seem to translate it very well

I've only offered my view - I could, of course, be wrong .... but I stand by the view that irrational behaviour tends to indicate fear. Pinpointing the cause of the fear is the key and insecurity is very often "it". But do not pre-judge your OH ... communication is the only way (along with the patience of a saint!!!)

I guess I feel resentful that on top of everything else I have to deal with on a daily basis just to keep myself going, I now have to 'give' even more to sort him out.

Your resentment is perfectly understandable. But let me quote you M Scott-Peck and his excellent book "The Road Less Travelled" ....

"Life is difficult.

This is a great truth, one of the greatest truths. It is a great truth because once we truly see this truth, we transcend it. Once we truly know that life is difficult - once we truly understand and accept it - then life is no longer difficult. Because once it is accepted, the fact that life is difficult no longer matters"

But equally, I am here of my own making

No you're not. You do not "deserve" this and this is not "your fate". It may be your choice - but only if you choose to (continue to) have a relationship with this man. Only you can decide this - and no-one on this Board can make that decision for you.

so I do really owe it to myself and him to make the effort.

Only if you so choose

In your case, were you the one with the insecurity issues, and your partner left you? It's really helpful to hear the other side of the story, so thanks for taking the time x

Christ, that's a right Pandora's Box!!!

I had insecurity issues and had had since my childhood. Unbeknowns to me, I had "bluffed" my way through life kidding myself and (almost) everyone I met that I was a confident, competent and sociable person. Very, very wrong and at the age of 47 (probably with a huge dose of hormones - see my sig - to boot) my whole life came crashing down.

I left my perfect partner for another man

At the time, I didn't understand why. It's only now that I understand that I was scared. And I displayed "animal like" instincts and "took flight". I was scared of not being good enough, generally, but more importantly not good enough for him. I thought he would leave me

It's another story though - and this one is about you.

If this helps, let me offer this suggestion ... when he rails against you in anger, it's absolutely NOT YOU!!! It's him - and he's afraid. Getting him to understand and/or accept that is a completely different matter and one that I doubt you will achieve on your own. He has to be prepared to challenge himself. And you both have to be prepared for him to go through hell.

I feel as though every layer of my soul has been pared back and that I stand in front of the world as a wounded, damaged person with absolutely no barrier of any description. Vulnerable doesn't even come close ... but I find a little extra strength every day and I have to build on that.

Phew!

HTH

worriedsik

Debtfreechick

That is very interesting , i myself had to finish a relationship with someone who i had a tortures 3yrs with he was so angry constantly and his insecurities drove me away eventually.
i truly loved the guy but my health suffered badly the things he would say to me would make your hair stand on end ! i tried so hard to help him but in the end everything was about him and i lost me !
he did tell me that he had abandonment issues but this was only near the end & iam still looking into this as it does intrigue me & iam also looking into it for my own benefit and reassurance too i guess so that i can convince myself that i done everything possible to & that i wasnt to blame
I have discovered that he may have Borderline Personality Disorder.....i say maybee because he was never diagnosed as such but boy did he strip me off my self asteem and confidence ! in the 3yrs i think i put on 10yrs lol
He was always screaming at me and i tried everything , pandering to him not pandering to him it was never enough i was always giving and getting nothing back except verball abuse

Thanks for your post it was what i was trying to say

Money_maker

[QUOTE=Oh_Dearie;28587899_he_will_start_putting_me_down_and_calling_me_names_-_F**k**g_Ignorant_C**t_was_one!_I'm_usually_left_reeling[/QUOTE]

No reason why you should be spoken to like this. Dont ignore it, you still heard it. Too much of this and you will start to believe it.

Get out.