depression

quickstepqueen

Wow.....I can't believe I've only just found this thread. I popped in for a quick look and soon became immersed in both Tiff's and Rose's posts.

Tiff....I for one am sooo glad that you found the courage to post. It was beautifully written and I am amazed that you were able to write all of what you did. In the past when I've thought about telling others about my depression (on other forums) I type it all out and then delete it without posting. I just can't do it. Thankyou for being honest and sharing your experiences. There have been times when I have wanted my life to end, to end the internal pain but then I read posts like yours and think "Hell, if they can survive all that they have been through then I most certainly should be able to deal with my issues."

I found both yours (tiffs) and Rose's posts really helpful and thankyou both. Unfortunately I haven't read all 32 pages of this thread so haven't read others' experiences but it's so reassuring to know that I am able to "vent" my feelings should I so wish, amongst people who understand and will not judge.

Miroslav

Tiff wrote:

Those numbers are going on a ticket on Friday - don't tell anyone else!;)
Maybe the game wasn't such a great idea :rolleyes: I've got more than a dusting of the Fern Britten's but you're ok with the Norman Lamont eyebrows - I haven't got them - it's his legs that I've got!!!:rotfl: Bless you x

I done those numbers when I got back from shopping, via the website. Got in with 3 mins to spare. I thought it may be an omen, so watch as none come in.......or if all 6 come in, you'll all know :rotfl:

Norman's legs........my kind of woman :rotfl:

rose07

Miroslav wrote:

My flatmate thinks she's scared because i'm alot bigger than most, both height and muscle size, and she's been beaten by much smaller guys. She's not much of a talker about her problems when she is on medication.

It's difficult when you want to help, can't, but know that if you do, you may get too involved relationship wise.

Lost make it up as they go along. In the end, they'll just wake up from a dream

Which ex? The one I miss is my g/f who died when we were both 15. She was killed by a drink driver. Will be 15 years in January, never got over it. When my daughter died (Leukemia) it just about finsihed me off. My last g/f, and only one since I was 15, left me when she had used me as much as she needed. Destroyed at the time, but over now. I never loved her as a partner, but cared.

The thing to do, is never blame yourself, because it's likely it's not. I can't comment as don't know the situations, but it's easy to blame ourselves, as we don't fight back. I blamed myself for years, and still do sometimes, as we had one of our rare disagreements before she died, but in reality, rarely are tragedies our faults.

So you aren't Trisha or Anne?

hello miroslav

how are you today?

soz didnt get round to this last night got pretty tierd.

i think she may be scared to approach you, then it sounds like she may want or need someone to talk to, but you may not be the right person, all you can do is be there for her as much as poss and let her know you are there if she wants to talk.

i dont even know how lost ended last night, anyway doesnt need anymore thought. lol

i was thinking about the one who died by a drunk driver, soz to hear that, and she was soo young too, 15 such a young thing. love to you miroslav it can be very hard to loose the ones we love.
you seem to have lost a few people close to you? and then one person who seemed to use you.

oh i didnt mean to put down guys in my post before, (was on abit of a mad rant).but you and slayerx seem ok, and we are all going through similair things.

i know i shouldnt blame myself for the people around me dissapearing, but i went through a time when in school when someone i know was dying once a year or something, my nana was the biggest blow, as oi never got to say goodbye. but i think the one i blame myself for the most is the ex that hung himself, he became involved in drugs and couldnt handle things, and i think i just cant help getting involved and taking responsibility sometimes. but i am learning.

take care x

trisha and ann hhhmmm yeah im a bit of both trisha's sense.
and ann well i dont have her good looks, and im not quite strict as it were.
hhhmmm (rose thinks bout who she reminds her of).

rose07

Tiff wrote:

Hey Rosie, thank you for posting. Before I go on, Hi to everyone bettyboop, slayerx, Mrs.A., flis, feeling good, miroslav and everyone here. I hope today was kind to you all.

First, I am so sorry for my post last night. If I upset or offended anyone, that wasn't my intention. I don't know really what came over me but before I knew it, I'd told a lot more than I'd meant to. It's a good Martin MSE doesn't charge by the word! And I didn't put all of it either!:rolleyes:
I felt really ashamed after and quite low today - I wouldn't have been surprised if you'd totally ignored me... that's the reaction I expect and I would understand if you'd all rather I didn't post again. You always wonder what people will think of you.

Thank you Rosie for posting & sharing. You've got me crying again,- bless you - for all of us. It lets out the pain a little but some of my tears are of relief because it helps to know that I'm not the only one who's had some hard times. I was always the one people came to with their problems - I was out on my own so I put on the smile that never quite reaches your eyes and showed the world how strong I was.
I think I said, I'm 41 now and I've kept this paedophile a secret from my family for 25 years. I eventually wrote a letter because I needed people to know what had happened and I didn't want to carry around my 'dirty, little secret' and I sent it to my Dad, my brother & my sister. They all begged me not to tell Mum for she is so ill and I haven't. I wish I hadn't been such a cowardly young girl - I wish I'd told - thought at the time that it's my own shame, I made him feel like this I can keep a secret forever, no-one ever has to know. But the pain hurts inside like an ulcer and it grows.
Worse decision of my life because God knows how many others he may have assaulted and I think about that all the time. And he's dead many a year ago now. So there's no justice except to hope that Karma will somehow work it's magic on his soul.
Hang on a minute... if Karma's involved, what the heck did I do in a previous life to deserve all this?!:rolleyes:
Anyway just wanted to say sorry to you all.
Miroslav - Slayerx - it's ok - we're not men haters - you can come out and post - it's safe angel! lol:rotfl:
Kind of upset right now so I'm off. I'll be under the table if anyone wants me!;)
I hope you don't think any the less of me. Will stop by briefly later.
Be kind to yourselves.
Much Love Always,
Tiff x

hi tiff
how you doing tonight?
aawww sorry i didnt mean to make you cry, i have to admit i shed a tear while reading your post it brought back quite a bit.

did you notice i didnt lol much in that big long post? i wasnt hiding behind my wall.

know what you mean tiff its good to know that there is someone that has been through similar things. (one day we can sit down and talk about it but not right now, still coming down).
when i was younger people always came to me for help people looked up and asked me for advice. im still that person but i am also more aware of how to look after myself now whilst looking after others.

also well done in writing the letters to your family member about this guy, it can be very hard to face up to these things andsometimes it can take a great step in admitting it to others, but the way you talk about it sounds like you blame yourself???
i dont think you were cowardly hun, he is the **** that did things he is the one that sinked low. not you you were only a kid and that is not your responsibility at such a young age.
i found out recently that the guy that hurt me and wanted to play 'games', died, i didnt know whether to jump with joy or cry, i didnt know what to do, but then started wondering if he has gone to heaven then will that mean he is looking down on me or not and if so then what do i do??? but then i guess it depends what you believe.

yeah tiff things never fade, i am in soooo much pain due to things i have been through its like the pain i feel everyday physically but worse as its embedded, never going to go. but as i say i can learn and help others, i did work in a refuge with some wonderful women this made me feel precious as most the woman had been through something awful.
only the people closest to me know about what my uncle did, none of the family know. i feel like now he is dead i should just forget it.

you dont need to say sorry for talking about how you feel hun, thats what this thread is for and i hope it has helped in some way, and that you dont just feel cr*p. ?? dont hide hun,. we are here for you.

thanks for sharing and much love
xxx

flis21

Hi guys, How are you this evening.

Rose and Tiff you are both very brave, both for what you have been through and for posting it on here. It makes me feel a fraud as I have no real 'cause' behind my depression, nothing that bad has ever happened to me, I suppose I should count myself lucky, but is it worse to have depression and not know what causes it? I don't know.

Sorry, I am really down tonight. Just feel like I want to hide away from the world. Don't want to talk to anyone (well, like my Mum or Hubby). Just want to go to bed and never get up again.

I have two days left at the workplace from hell. This week is dragging and I am really having to grit my teeth to get through it. On top of all that they have said that I have taken 5 more days holiday than I am entitled to and I have to repay them £175! I can't afford to pay it all to them in one go, so I will have to go and talk to my (very unsympathetic) manager and explain that I can only pay £110 this month and will have to give them a post dated cheque for next month for the rest of it.

Also they have given me a leavers questionnaire that they expect me to fill out and it says things like 'What is you relationship like with your manager?'. now if I fill it out truthfully it will be horrendous and my manager still has to write my reference for my next job. If I fill it out and lie no one will ever know what she is like or if I don't fill it out she might have a go at me for not doing it.

Sorry, am rambling. Just a lot of stuff going on in my head. Not sure I am going to sleep well tonight. Might take a sleeping tablet in a bit, or I know I will be up half the night, which will make working tomorrow even harder.

rose07

hi flis

soz to hear you not feeling great tonight.

your boss sounds a bit horrible hun, are they right in saying that you owe them money? just pay what you can.

if i was you i would prob tell the truth, but thats only cause i cant lie.
if you want people to know what she is like be truthful and if you are worried about your ref then try and do half and half.

your not rambling (did you not see mine and tiffs long essays?)

i had an awful time sleeping last night, next month will be 3 years since the attack and well not sleeping too well and keep having nightmares of feeling trapped and well the whole PTSD.

i aint too well tonight so an early night for me i think. though i know i wont sleep. :rolleyes:

hope you are able to sleep hun
xxx

Miroslav

rose07 wrote:

hello miroslav

how are you today?

soz didnt get round to this last night got pretty tierd.

i think she may be scared to approach you, then it sounds like she may want or need someone to talk to, but you may not be the right person, all you can do is be there for her as much as poss and let her know you are there if she wants to talk.

i dont even know how lost ended last night, anyway doesnt need anymore thought. lol

i was thinking about the one who died by a drunk driver, soz to hear that, and she was soo young too, 15 such a young thing. love to you miroslav it can be very hard to loose the ones we love.
you seem to have lost a few people close to you? and then one person who seemed to use you.

oh i didnt mean to put down guys in my post before, (was on abit of a mad rant).but you and slayerx seem ok, and we are all going through similair things.

i know i shouldnt blame myself for the people around me dissapearing, but i went through a time when in school when someone i know was dying once a year or something, my nana was the biggest blow, as oi never got to say goodbye. but i think the one i blame myself for the most is the ex that hung himself, he became involved in drugs and couldnt handle things, and i think i just cant help getting involved and taking responsibility sometimes. but i am learning.

take care x

trisha and ann hhhmmm yeah im a bit of both trisha's sense.
and ann well i dont have her good looks, and im not quite strict as it were.
hhhmmm (rose thinks bout who she reminds her of).

:wave: Rose

It's been a bit of a down day today. No idea why. I always stick a Britney vid on if i'm down......sometimes i'll get much better, other times i'm glad to watch but don't improve much, and sometimes, like today, I just think "she probably doesn't appreciate her fans anyway" One of them days!

I don't think she wants to talk, or at least, she doesn't talk to anyone, so maybe she doesn't know how to. She always looks at me and does smile at me shyly, but from a distance and always says hello and goodbye, but doesn't talk to me, very odd

Nah, I dunno what happened in 'Lost' either, I was too busy focusing on other things.

Yeah, my partner in '92, daughter in '99 although when partner died in '92, 4 months after she was taken from me, so never saw her after May '92, although seeing her again was what I was living for. My Grandad died when I was 11, and he was the only male i've ever had a decent relationship with. My Mum died in 2002. We weren't close, but still feels odd.

I wouldn't worry about putting blokes down, I don't care. Until my ex used me I used to love women, now I think most are just the same. I know not everyone is the same and good women exist, but when we are down, it's easier for us to generalise, when realistically, some are good, some are bad. I put blokes down alot too, as they make me look bad with some of the things I read. I take the fact my flatmate says i'm not like most blokes as a compliment I'm sensitive towards people and always show an interest in things. I like football, but can give anything a miss if a lady needs me, so to speak. I used to drop things at a hat for my ex, shame the favour was not returned! I think I expected too much, expecting everyone to be of the high standard of my partner who passed. I got lucky too young, maybe I should have gone out with a psycho to start with

When you are young, as you were, it's easier to blame ourselves. I think even if we know we aren't to blame, we tend to do it, as we feel low But as you say, you want to get involved and help people. I'd like to think I could save the world, but I can't. I can't even help this girl, but I am hoping for voluntary/paid work in the care sector. My little bit may be of use to someone

Not as strict as Anne? She makes me laugh, because the whole strict thing is
silly :rotfl: Good looks.........can't say i've ever had fantasies over Anne Robinson :rotfl: but who knows, now i'm 30, I may have a fantasy over her and Fern Britton or something.........with Norman Lamont legs :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl: :rotfl:

Oh well, another day ends. An early night for me, feeling very tired.

Take care Rose, Tiff and all........catch up again very soon

:wave:

rose07

hey miroslav

i think this girl does sound shy, she may not know how to approach you.

yeah close people miro, they come and go, for me it seems to be as soon as i get close to someone they dissapear.

im afraid i have had a bad run as far as guys are concerned, so dont realli trust any. but i do have a few guys that are mates and they give me a little hope there.
yeah me the same i would run a mile just to help someone, once i dropped everything to be with a mate that was going through some tough stuff.
last night i got a phone call at one in the morning while i was in me bed from one of me mates, i always leave my phone on just incase anyone needs me.
would much prefer for them to have someoone to talk to than drink themselves stupid or something.

yeah its very easy to blame ourselves for things, but even sometimes we cant be blamed for everything.

we are only human, and are not inviscible. we can only do soo much and then its time to move on.

making this short and sweet as going to go to bed now
all this talking makes me tierd.

i hope everyone out there is taking care
much love to you all
and hoping you all get some sleep tonight
sweet dreams
xxx

Natty68

Afternoon everyone, back from hols and just finding feet again. Although it's still hectic here and DH is still on hols from work..it is starting to get to me having him home at the moment. Thankfully he goes back to work next week, peace and my "routine" can return ..

*Hugs* for everyone, especially Rose and Tiff, and also anyone else that wants them..

flis21

Evening all, How are we this evening? I had quite a good day, suprisingly. My boss didn't have a go at me as I couldn't pay her all the money back straight away and she seemed in a good mood today (believe me, that is a put it in the diary occurence!). Anyway, my last day there tomorrow, thank goodness, not sure I could put up with it for that much longer!

Depression is ok, under control. Feel better than I did last night. My husband is coming home at 8.30 tonight and I haven't seen him since Sunday because of the shifts he has been working, so i can't wait to see him. That will make me feel better.