Am I too Contoling

BitterAndTwisted

The dishonesty about the hairdresser's bill would have tipped me over the edge, quite frankly. No-one in their right mind would consider spending over a hundred quid purely on themself like that while on a DMP, in my opinion.

I'm sorry, but I think the time has come to actually start being controlling as I don't think you sound like you are yet.

I'd withdraw all access to cards and cheques for the time being and give her the weekly food-shopping money in cash every Friday. You could agree to negotiate how much that should be if you're feeling kind and generous. Or you could do the food-shopping yourself online for a bit so you can work out what's reasonable and then add on a fiver or a tenner for her to spend on herself.

She sounds like she's behaving like a spoilt child so I think you should consider treating her like one or she might drag you all further down into the mire. The !!!!!! is up to your collarbones at he moment but it could rise up to your eyebrows if you both don't get the situation under control very, very soon.

daniel_owen_uk

BTW I had an ex girlfriend a little like this, just kept spending without regard for consequence.


Saw her name in the paper a year ago, a notice of bankrupcy, wasn't a nice breakup so I smiled

its-not-me

daniel_owen_uk wrote: »

Saw her name in the paper a year ago, a notice of bankrupcy, wasn't a nice breakup so I smiled

Nice one, its always best seved cold
:beer:

MrsAnnie

its-not-me wrote: »

I am doing that in effect with my spreadsheet which highlights in big red numbers any potential overspend, ie the difference between the balance, cleared balance and any known out goings. This is what has really hi-lited to me her poor level of maths when shopping

Have you shown your wife the spreadsheet? It may have hilighted the situation to you , but has she seen in black and white (and red!) the family finances?

Why don't you gather up ALL the financial affairs pertaining to your lives - all bills, receipts etc etc and redo the spreadsheet with her helping you fill everything in. Then vow to try a keep a spending diary for one month which everything that is spent over a couple of quid by both of you is recorded.

Then she can see first hand the severity of the situation.


Until she has her lightbulb moment there is very little that can be done; except treating her like a child. And I hope that it will not come to that point.

its-not-me

I think that lightbulb moment will occur when she can't pay for something in a shop - in a way I hope that it happens when I'm there, but I'd hate to say - 'I told you so'

roger196

Tough love is needed or you will be heading down the bankruptcy route. You need to separate your finances, no joint accounts, no joint credit cards, no joint loans. You need to sit down with her and agree a suitable level of housekeeping and a level of pocket money which she can spend on herself without accounting to you. It may be easier for you to pay all the standing orders on mortgage, utilities, council tax etc, as you know these will have been paid. Is she colour blind to the red numbers on the spreadsheet?

CAFCGirl

its-not-me wrote: »

Sorry, maybe I didn't make that clear, the 75 was not just her hair, but the hair and another agreed purchase that we needed.



Got one of thoses now for us, and yes the ride is hard!!!! The issue is that we can talk and agree all we want, but that goes out of the window within a week. I think my next step is a second current account in her name, but that cant happen without her agreement

But the fact remains she actually spent £140 on her hair and this agreed purchase....:mad: well thats what I read from your post anyway.

I hate to sound hard (as I know I now will) but you are now going to struggle to afford the rest of the month, given the spending on food, and with her spending the way she is, its unlucky that this will be the only month you'll struggle.

My suggestion is from your account all the bills are paid, gas, electric, rent/mortgage by s.o or dd.
You put on the side (out of view of burglars) 4 jars with each persons name on and inside a budget sheet for them, showing that each month they are given x amount in cash to pay for those things on the budget. And in place of money when its spent goes a receipt.

Now that is treating her like a child but she's acting like one for god sake!
Plus if everyone in the family has a jar, then at least its consistent for everyone.
Remove any access she has to other funds and simply tell her this is how its got to be.
And reliably inform her that the sooner she can stick to the budget, the sooner you're out of debt and the sooner she can enjoy the finer (read more expensive) things in life without it meaning that shes taking food off the table LITERALLY!

OK, pregnant woman rant over...
But on a more gentle note, I wish you every success with it, I dont envy you. My hubby wanted to buy a gift for our pregnancy and Ive never felt so bad having to put something back, because he was truly excited about his find, and it was £5, no great dent in the £30k debt we've got, but this is how its got to be....it will get easier and your entire family will be better off for it xx