Am I too Contoling

its-not-me

Hi - I'm logging this as a new user as I want to remain anonymus (spelling ).

My wife and I are going through server money issues at the moment. We have involved the CCCS and are currently on a DMA. She has never truely acknowledged her part in the debt and is continuing spending as she did before. I will give a couple of examples.

1) The week before christmas £350 in Sainsburys, an amount in itself is not too over the top (in my view), however, that was then followed by £230 on Christmas Eve. Seeing as we budgeted for £470 for the month and she is now wanting to go back for more food. :eek:

2) She went for a Saturday trip to the hairdressers the other week and came back very proud of herself that she had only spent £75 on her hair and something else we had budgeted on. On checking the on-line banking on the following week, she had actually spent £140.

I suppose my question is, would it be over the top to get her to open an account in her name and put money in it every month and tell her 'once its gone it gone' and remove access to the bills account? Would that be too controlling? I'm 99% sure it would all be spent within a week

What can I do? I'm struggling to to pay for the basics this month

Thanks for any suggestions

ameliarate

It sounds to me like she is in denial rather than you being too controlling. I also think the size of your shopping bills, unless there are 5/6 of you in the house is way too high.

You certainly need to look at getting money out of her reach, do you both work? Can you move your wages to another account and pay the bills from there?

its-not-me

Yes I agree, she is in denial over it all. She has never been good with money since the day I met her. She also has great difficulty distinguishing between what we NEED and what we WANT. There is a difference to me.

She doesn't work so its only my income that is used to feed and clothe 4 of us. The food bills were higher this month because of Christmas, and when I queried her about the amount spent, all I will get in response is 'well you helped eat it'.

I've tried moving money in the past, but that then brought up the 'you're hiding money from me' disagrement.

What I dont want is to start giving her 'pocket money' and treating her like a child, but that may well be t6he direction that we move in

Thanks, I just needed to vent my frustration somewhere

katglasgow

My hubby and I have a joint accout both salaries are paid into and all bills come from, we have standing orders set up to transfer "pocket money" to individal cash card accounts on a weekly basis and this is our inidivudal money. Could you look at doing something like this too, maybe it would be seen as being fairer if the rule applied to both of you. If she is finding it really hard to shop within that budget, maybe you can support/help her by offering to join her in the shop/watch kids while she goes alone or try a technique like using cash instead of cards or shopping online. I am very good at shopping on a budget (better than my OH) because I have been brought up that way so its just automatic, but my DH has had to learn and its taken him several years. Its so hard to get money out of him now - I am very proud lol.

GobbledyGook

Could you set up pocket money for you both? So perhaps it doesn't seem like just her. What you spend your own money on would then be entirely up to you.

Also if possible could you shop online and get it delivered the day after payday and get as many of your bills DD and coming out after payday so that there isn't that much left to overspend on. My Grandparents used to do "pin money" that went into an account for each of them and mine when I was younger. Then only bills came out of the main account.

Odette

I think lying about money is the true teller, it shows that in a small place shes probably ashamed of herself.

Me and my partner do a joint account for bills and rent, the rest of the money is ours and we (or I :rolleyes:) budget appropriately. I think some tough love is in order, especially if it is your money.

MERFE

OH and I have a joint account that his wages go into then the bills come out of there along with a standing order to his other account for his pocket money. I keep my wages in a seperate account and I do all the clothes buying, spending on the kids, saving and extras like holidays and days out. Since we have done this the arguements about money and me controlling it have almost stopped, he has always been bad with money, he looks at the balance and doesnt think about what is still to come out etc. He has gone over his spending a couple of times, then racked up a small £300 overdraft that he slowly had to pay back, now done but he is much better than before. Having the joint account set up with all the regular bills is fantastic, so much easier to budget then having to question OH everytime he made a card transaction. Things were really tight for a while until I went back to work, is it an option for your wife to do something pt if she wants more money for haircuts etc

its-not-me

Thanks.

Odette wrote: »

I think lying about money is the true teller, it shows that in a small place shes probably ashamed of herself.QUOTE]
To be honest, I dont think that its so much as lying, as much as she gets cought up in the moment. I've been out with her before and and she cant remember what we have spent, let alone what shops we spent it in. I've asked her as we were out roughtly how much we have spent so far, and she consitantly under estimates

Odette wrote: »

especially if it is your moneyQUOTE]

I've always kept away from that, aas she isn't earning and is looking after the kids, so I will always think of it as our money, but maybe I have to take the blinkers off.

Thanks as always

Nelmer

Hi its-not-me

Your situation sounds very similar to the one we were in 6 months ago. I eventually sat down with DH and went through a whole month's bank statement with him illustrating what was being spent where (2 incomes, his 2 kids and 2 dogs under the one roof). He realised the numbers didn't add up. Like many others, we now have the one joint account for wages and bills and 2 separate accounts for our monthly 'spends'. We have also gone as far as having 1 joint credit card account for the shopping and diesel (our situation was so rubbish our credit file was ruined). When the bill comes in we sit down together and review that and the bank account (I do budget and track during the month) He is now as loath to spend money as me!!!!

Sorry I rambled a bit there but hope that helps. xx

its-not-me

MERFE wrote: »

he looks at the balance and doesnt think about what is still to come out etc.

you have got it in one.

She is unable to plan (finacially) for the future and yet is great in planning for other thinks - its a total blind spot

SkintGypsy

its-not-me wrote: »

What I dont want is to start giving her 'pocket money' and treating her like a child, but that may well be the direction that we move in

Frankly, if she behaves like a child then she should be treated as such. Did you confront her over her lies about the hairdresser? I can't imagine what her response could have been.

Me and Husband only work out of a joint account, with all money in and all money out of there. I believe that we should have 'household' finances, especially since we have children and I was on SMP, however that means being held accountable and being responsible. She can't truly believe that she can just spend and spend until the money is gone.

BTW, £350 for one food shop (Xmas or not) is absurd! How many trollies did she fill for that and how much ended up in the bin?

Her contribution to the household should include moneysaving to protect all your futures.