Am I too Contoling

its-not-me

Nelmer wrote: »

Hi its-not-me

Your situation sounds very similar to the one we were in 6 months ago. I eventually sat down with DH and went through a whole month's bank statement with him illustrating what was being spent where (2 incomes, his 2 kids and 2 dogs under the one roof). He realised the numbers didn't add up. Like many others, we now have the one joint account for wages and bills and 2 separate accounts for our monthly 'spends'. We have also gone as far as having 1 joint credit card account for the shopping and diesel (our situation was so rubbish our credit file was ruined). When the bill comes in we sit down together and review that and the bank account (I do budget and track during the month) He is now as loath to spend money as me!!!!

Sorry I rambled a bit there but hope that helps. xx

Thats exactly where I want to be, maybe I have to give it a bit more time. I have setup a spreadsheet and check online every day, and try to sit her down every week and talk her through it. It basically lists Balance, future income, DD's to go out, cheques to go out, and ends up with a final figure of spare cash. Unfortunately she will see this figure and tend to blow it on day one.

W4e have already had the conversation about where the overdraft has come from!! I ended up using Monopoly money to demonstrate. :rotfl:

MERFE

continue to think of it as your joint money - you are right to this. My OH took the its my money route in a few arguements believe me it did not go down well. I think at one point I offered to go back to work full time and he could split the childcare costs but he realised he would be worse off. The pocket money route really was the best way to go it gives him less money things to worry or think about. He has a motorbike which is just a money pit, there is always something he wants for it or a new jacket or helmet but he understands he has to save for things now. And since the debts are getting paid off there is more money left at the end of the month and he is benifitting from that as his pocket money goes up. Things have improved so much in the last year and it has mostly been down to his attitude buts its been slow going so hang in there it could improve but its gonna take time.

belfastgirl23

I always think the best way to help someone to understand the impact of their spending is to encourage them to think about the future. Is there something big she would like that at the minute you can't afford. I must confess for men I usually suggest mentioning wide screen tvs or cars and I'm less sure if that works for women. My guess would be that it might be worth focusing on your children. What happens if they want to go to university? Wouldn't it be great to be able to have a family holiday that you'll all really remember? What you need to do is make her see the connection between all of those £1 and £2 wasted in the supermarket and being able to afford 'the dream' whatever that might be. It is the risk of focusing on debt as the main issue, repaying debt is not exactly a dream and it's grindingly depressing and relentless. But saving for something can be a dream. Can you reframe the problem for her and see if that helps?

daniel_owen_uk

I started a spend diary.

https://www.spendingdiary.com

Lets you categorise your spend, we have a few categories, like "Essential Food", "Treat Food", "Entertainment" etc.

Lets you have graphs etc on what you are spending your money on, ours showed that we spent nearly as much on cigarettes as we did on food, so I quit smoking (keep asking OH to but not convinced her yet).

its-not-me

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I always think the best way to help someone to understand the impact of their spending is to encourage them to think about the future. Is there something big she would like that at the minute you can't afford. I must confess for men I usually suggest mentioning wide screen tvs or cars and I'm less sure if that works for women. My guess would be that it might be worth focusing on your children. What happens if they want to go to university? Wouldn't it be great to be able to have a family holiday that you'll all really remember? What you need to do is make her see the connection between all of those £1 and £2 wasted in the supermarket and being able to afford 'the dream' whatever that might be. It is the risk of focusing on debt as the main issue, repaying debt is not exactly a dream and it's grindingly depressing and relentless. But saving for something can be a dream. Can you reframe the problem for her and see if that helps?

I've been down this route once. Last year I got a good bonus from work, as we both turned 40 we had always said that we would have a one of 'good' holiday. As it was fully inclusive we didn't need too much spending money £100 would have covered the two weeks easily, as she very proudly said that she would provide it. Great I thought, 6 months, no problem, an easy task, and I said that I'd match what ever she saved so she had some incentive. Nothing more said as that was the deal. Come the time to go, I was presented with a £100 OVERDRAFT.:eek:

Enough said

its-not-me

daniel_owen_uk wrote: »

I started a spend diary.


Lets you categorise your spend, we have a few categories, like "Essential Food", "Treat Food", "Entertainment" etc.

Lets you have graphs etc on what you are spending your money on, ours showed that we spent nearly as much on cigarettes as we did on food, so I quit smoking (keep asking OH to but not convinced her yet).

I wish, unfortunately, I would have to get her to fill it in, and that (at the moment) wont happen.

daniel_owen_uk

Tell her you are starting to do it, tell her that you want to see what you are spending money on.

Anything she doesn't declare will be obvious as it will be missing from the Spend Diary.

Do a SOA see how much you should have left at the end of the month. Then see how much you have?

Unless you can convince her to be honest about what she is spending money on, you are never going to reduce her spending.

its-not-me

daniel_owen_uk wrote: »

Tell her you are starting to do it, tell her that you want to see what you are spending money on.

Anything she doesn't declare will be obvious as it will be missing from the Spend Diary.

Do a SOA see how much you should have left at the end of the month. Then see how much you have?

Unless you can convince her to be honest about what she is spending money on, you are never going to reduce her spending.

I am doing that in effect with my spreadsheet which highlights in big red numbers any potential overspend, ie the difference between the balance, cleared balance and any known out goings. This is what has really hi-lited to me her poor level of maths when shopping

Pee

I don't understand how someone can spend £75 on their hair (let alone more) when they are not working. It's really nice that you see your wages as being family money. It's as it should be. She seems to see family money as her money. Spending that much on your hair is for a single teenage or twenty something working female on the pull, surely.

I think you need to work out the budget and give her an account with no overdraft so that she has to stick to it. And expect a bit of a rough ride for the first few months. If you talk to her about it and agree it with her, it should be ok.

its-not-me

Pee wrote: »

I don't understand how someone can spend £75 on their hair (let alone more) when they are not working.

Sorry, maybe I didn't make that clear, the 75 was not just her hair, but the hair and another agreed purchase that we needed.

Pee wrote: »

and give her an account with no overdraft

Got one of thoses now for us, and yes the ride is hard!!!! The issue is that we can talk and agree all we want, but that goes out of the window within a week. I think my next step is a second current account in her name, but that cant happen without her agreement