upset about daughters behaviour

simpywimpy

Ive just had this conversation about the attitude of my 23rd yr old who is back living at home. I do sometimes feel Im treading on eggshells in my own home so I appreciate how you feel. I too don't want to upset the applecart by confronting these things but an earlier poster is correct, we aren't doing them or us any favours

Ivrytwr3

from what you have posted you sound like you are trying to fit in family life around work life. It really should be the opposite way around.

Also no matter what age the children are, they are still your children.

Daughter's call up, you tell them you're too busy and you'll call back - lovely.

I apperciate that there is more to it than that, but from what you have posted you seem to live to work and work to live.

mumslave

You know I had to read back your post and make certain your daughters werent actually aged 11. They are behaving like it. Your eldest is 23, thats two years younger than me, she is by far too grown up to be expecting you to be running rings around her. I would stop trying to please them. When they do actually grow up, they will realise what you have done and do for them.

paddy's_mum

Honestly ... ?

Dear Cruella

In recent months, I have become more and more aware of how critical of me you are. No matter what I do, no matter how much effort I put in to help and support you, no matter how hard I work for the welfare of the entire family (including your grandparents) somehow you seem to find some failing on my part with which to berate and condemn me.

You are now a grown woman and ought to have matured enough to behave as one instead of as a petulant, thwarted schoolgirl. I'm tired of your tantrums and I have decided to stop beating my head against the brick wall of your hostility, since I am only wounding myself. The amount of dislike and contempt you show to me makes it perfectly clear that you have no love for me and as a result of that realisation, I see no point in trying to sustain a relationship with you.

I suspect that your motive is a deep-seated anger because your father and I divorced. You would have had much more to be angry about if we had stayed together and brought you up in an unhappy home with a poisoned atmosphere. When you have grown up enough to understand relationships a little better, perhaps then you will see that there were two sides to the breakdown of the marriage. You appear to consider things only from your own resentful point of view, which I suspect is fuelled by your father's bitterness and your own feelings of jealousy.

My love for you has never wavered, from the first moment I held you in my arms. However, your desire to punish me for imagined sins seems to be more important to you than putting any thought, effort or tolerance into nourishing a loving relationship between the two of us. In view of the anger that I am apparently constantly causing you, I suggest that you now just cut contact with me and go your own way, free of the burden of my repeated 'unkindnesses' to you.

I shall never stop loving you and my door will always be open to you once you decide to treat me with the civility I deserve. I can't believe that I have had to write a letter such as this but I am worn down by your determination to treat me like dirt. Perhaps the only way you'll find out what I have freely given over all these years is for me not to give it any longer.

BelleMere

Morglin

julie8314dave wrote: »

Hi this may be long so sorry, but had to put down on paper to let go of how i am feeling.
I have three kids, 2 girls 19 and 23 years old, i son 7 years old. we moved 2 years ago to a lovely house and started a business, my eldest daughter did not want to come as she had a job and boyfreind so she stayed with her dad in a not very practical but one bedroom place, miles away from her bf. my ex and i have been divorced for 17 years, and i have been with my sons dad for 16 years. the girls get on great with my partner.

since we have been down here 65 miles away my eldest daughter has a couple of times been very nasty to me, like we went to euro disney for a couple of days before christmas last year taking my son for his birthday, my other daughter did not want to come with us. she said you live in a big house have lots of money and we are cramped up here,

what she does not realise is that when we divorced the house was sold, that my ex had not paid any money into for the last 15 years and he got half of it when it was sold, he then brought a one bed mobile home. i on the other hand met someone a year later put my money into another house and then moved on got lucky with house prices them brought a business, when we moved she was living with us, then had to move to her dads,

recently she told me that i had made her homeless, and all i cared about was my new life. beleive me i sent her money for everything to try and help her out, put her on my insurance , and the list goes on, she will not upset her dad for anything but treats me and talks to me like dirt.
i must add i have always been loving and supportive to my daughter, she had a four year turbulant relationship with her last boyfreind, this one is no better, but i have stood by her, sometimes she will ring up for a chat and i am really busy, and say can i ring you in a bit, but later on will say i have no time time for her. when do i stop trying to please her?

i also have my other daughter who is not working at the moment that has a few issues to deal with which we are working on.. to try and bring this to a close, about 2 months ago my youngest daughter was coming back home she had gone to see her dad for a few days and on the way home a car went into the back of them they both had a bit of whiplash but were both ok. i went out to them at the time of accident to try and help them as my daughter was very very distressed.


About a month ago my daughter (youngest) got a letter to say that she had to go and see a therapist regarding accident that was about 30 miles from where we live, i said to my daughter that i would not be able to take her as i was working, short staff one still away ill etc etc, and as it was the 4th january our first day back after the break it was inpossible for me to take her, she said she would tell her dad, a couple of times in the past month i have asked her if she has it sorted, she said yes. they told me it was about 6 miles from where her dad lives and that my eldest daughter would take her.

when looking at the letter again i noticed that it was not near her dad but about 30 miles from me. i rang her to tell her, she then text me to say that she was coming home saturday night, i stated that i still could not take her as before explained. my then oldest daughter once again stated that i was out of order for not taking her and that i did not mind taking her brother around and about and etc etc.

i have just about had enough of trying to do the right thinhg by everyone, i have a full on business a young son, elderley parents that have just moved into our road, and my other daughter who lives with us that i am trying to juggle taking her to meetings to get her back on her feet, when i say this to me older daughter she says " thats what mothers do" my partner said if i had an accident with my daughter would her dad be taking himself out of work for the day to take her ithink not.

my question is what should i be doing, am i doing to much, i feel wrenched part of me says put up with it part of me says ignore have nothing to do with her, but my son keeps asking when is

---

coming down i feel so depressed and have been crying all weekend, i have written this now so that i can concentrate at work. any thoughts on this please xxxxxx

I would Email the eldest daughter, telling her a few home truths, and then let her get on with it - we love our kids, however old they are, but we are not there to jump through their hoops for ever.

Lin

MrsTinks

Like other posters here... at 17 my parents had left the country and I stayed on my own with my other half - let's just say it wasn't a happy relationship either... By 23 I'd had a mortgage and when splitting from my partner HE got the house because I didn't have any guarantors in this country. At 23 I looked for jobs everywhere and moved 200 miles to get a 3 month contract - on my own, no friends, no family and only 2 cats.
There wasn't anyone to even check on me if I was poorly, had had an accident or anything else... At 23 I would tell her to bloody well grow up and act like a 23 year old and not a 5 year old having a tantrum!

dizzybuff

Your daughter is a LADY now , tell her to start acting like one . I was out of my parents home at 18 at uni, when I did return I would do everything I could to help my mum . I know she has problems , but you are helping her deal with them ( Like mums do ) , to me she deserves a dam good hiding ( over the knee and everything... )

You need to stand up for yourself , be firm but fair , but stress you are her mum , not her servant , but she will always , always be your first born and you will help her however you can . However you are not her bleeding servant , and to get respect and help she must first earn it .

K

NAR

Maybe also remind DD1 that it was her choice not to come and live with you in the first place. Yes of course you should do what you can for them, but you have a life too. It can be harsh reality joining the real world, but definitely time for you to cut the apron strings!

karen310

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Honestly ... ?

Dear Cruella

In recent months, I have become more and more aware of how critical of me you are. No matter what I do, no matter how much effort I put in to help and support you, no matter how hard I work for the welfare of the entire family (including your grandparents) somehow you seem to find some failing on my part with which to berate and condemn me.

You are now a grown woman and ought to have matured enough to behave as one instead of as a petulant, thwarted schoolgirl. I'm tired of your tantrums and I have decided to stop beating my head against the brick wall of your hostility, since I am only wounding myself. The amount of dislike and contempt you show to me makes it perfectly clear that you have no love for me and as a result of that realisation, I see no point in trying to sustain a relationship with you.

I suspect that your motive is a deep-seated anger because your father and I divorced. You would have had much more to be angry about if we had stayed together and brought you up in an unhappy home with a poisoned atmosphere. When you have grown up enough to understand relationships a little better, perhaps then you will see that there were two sides to the breakdown of the marriage. You appear to consider things only from your own resentful point of view, which I suspect is fuelled by your father's bitterness and your own feelings of jealousy.

My love for you has never wavered, from the first moment I held you in my arms. However, your desire to punish me for imagined sins seems to be more important to you than putting any thought, effort or tolerance into nourishing a loving relationship between the two of us. In view of the anger that I am apparently constantly causing you, I suggest that you now just cut contact with me and go your own way, free of the burden of my repeated 'unkindnesses' to you.

I shall never stop loving you and my door will always be open to you once you decide to treat me with the civility I deserve. I can't believe that I have had to write a letter such as this but I am worn down by your determination to treat me like dirt. Perhaps the only way you'll find out what I have freely given over all these years is for me not to give it any longer.

BelleMere

Wow , you speak such wise words so often Paddy's mum. Lots of this would be applicable to my son if only I was eloquent enough to say it.

paddy's_mum

Thank you for the compliment Karen310. How I wish that I could say that all that I have learned is from watching other people learn bitter lessons from their own mistakes.

Unfortunately that would not be true as for too many years of my life, I was the know-it-all teenager and young adult who couldn't tell the difference between my mother's constant loving guidance and what in my arrogance I called nagging or spoiling my fun. Nor could I see that the champagne fizz of a fiery and passionate relationship with an adored but abusive man was damaging in ways that the less exciting but infinitely more rewarding steadiness of a solid marriage could never be.

I come from a large family in which I was just one of 35 cousins, all of us close. Add to that their spouses and children, in-laws and friends and you will see that there is not much that can happen to people that I haven't had at least some experience with, running the whole gamut from wife-beating to murder, gambling to suicide, depression to petty theft.

I can't say more without revealing other people's secrets but perhaps what I have said will make it clear why I answer so often on here - I would hate to have experienced so much yet do nothing with the knowledge I gained. What a waste of all I have so painfully learned if it is never used to at least attempt to help someone else avoid the same disastrous pitfalls.

Nobody is always right but I hope that if my Mum ever reads this, she will recognise that some of her common-sense must have somehow rubbed off on me .. and that her goodness and wisdom go on.