upset about daughters behaviour

belfastgirl23

I think the problem lies with you.

I'm not sure whether it's working mother's guilt but I think the reason you're feeling so stressed is that there's a part of you that buys in to what your daughters are saying. I think it's YOU who needs to give you a break. It sounds to me like your daughters are being typical selfish young people, assuming other people are there to pick up after them, you specifically. But to be honest if they didn't think they could get a rise out of you by these comments they probably wouldn't bother making them.

I really think you have to work on your responses to this sort of thing. Practice saying very calmly "I'm sorry you feel like that' and don't enter into debate. Explain once, calmly, if you feel your daughters have misunderstood you. Offer them other options if possible. But don't let it turn into a debate or an argument and make the default statement "I'm sorry you feel like that'. You are the parent and it's up to you to set the tone.

It will get better. Just think of the revenge when they have children of their own

Katie-Kat-Kins

To be honest I think your daughter was put is a difficult situation when you moved. At 19 although I was at uni I didn't feel ready to live completely independantly. But if my parents had moved area I would not have wanted to sacrifice my friends and boyfriend and local ties to follow them. It would have been a tough decision and I would have felt pushed to make a decision that perhaps I wasn't ready for.

Perhaps your daughter regrets moving out of home so young and misses the support that she would have had if she had stayed at home longer.

Many people have posted that they moved out and were independent younger than her, but this is less common now with young adults tending to stay with their parents well into their twenties. She may well feel disadvantaged compared to her friends who are still at home and miss her home comforts. I guess that living with her dad has not been all she hoped it would be.

Whilst she shouldn't be treating you so badly I think it is worth bearing this in mind.

It would be worth reminding her that she chose not to come with you and suggesting that if she wants more support she could always move closer, or maybe even in with you. It would also be worth asking her whether you can help her with finding her own place. If you are able to lending her a first months rent or something might be a big help. Offering to take time off to help her move in would be great too.

I think you need to take into account that by virtue of her distance from the rest of the family she probably feels left out, excluded and distanced and you need to try and avoid this. Don't tell her you are too busy to talk to her on the phone, arrange a suitable time and make sure you give her your attention, arrange visits and trips with her to do nice things together too. I think that as you include her more her behaviour will improve.

Perhaps with the holiday you could have approached it as - we are thinking about having a big family holiday, if we do would you like to come or do you feel too old to holiday with mum? If she said yes, you could have asked for her input on where to go, if she said no then her tough luck. I think that by telling her where and when you are going she felt like she was asked to tag along as an afterthought.

As for you other daughter? Her behaviour sounds like a typical teenager, expecting the world to revolve around her, being disorganised and thoughtless, and maybe a bit of middle child attention seeking? Or is there more than failing to arrange her travel for her medical appointment and a whiplash injury??

julie8314dave

Thankyou so much paddy's mum, i will use this letter to send to her if you do not mind, i could not have said it any better, although i dont usually worry about what other people think i really have taken in the advise from each and every poster and now feel a little stronger to deal with it all, the only other thing that worries me is if she does decide to cut me from her life forever.

paddy's_mum wrote: »

Honestly ... ?

Dear Cruella

In recent months, I have become more and more aware of how critical of me you are. No matter what I do, no matter how much effort I put in to help and support you, no matter how hard I work for the welfare of the entire family (including your grandparents) somehow you seem to find some failing on my part with which to berate and condemn me.

You are now a grown woman and ought to have matured enough to behave as one instead of as a petulant, thwarted schoolgirl. I'm tired of your tantrums and I have decided to stop beating my head against the brick wall of your hostility, since I am only wounding myself. The amount of dislike and contempt you show to me makes it perfectly clear that you have no love for me and as a result of that realisation, I see no point in trying to sustain a relationship with you.

I suspect that your motive is a deep-seated anger because your father and I divorced. You would have had much more to be angry about if we had stayed together and brought you up in an unhappy home with a poisoned atmosphere. When you have grown up enough to understand relationships a little better, perhaps then you will see that there were two sides to the breakdown of the marriage. You appear to consider things only from your own resentful point of view, which I suspect is fuelled by your father's bitterness and your own feelings of jealousy.

My love for you has never wavered, from the first moment I held you in my arms. However, your desire to punish me for imagined sins seems to be more important to you than putting any thought, effort or tolerance into nourishing a loving relationship between the two of us. In view of the anger that I am apparently constantly causing you, I suggest that you now just cut contact with me and go your own way, free of the burden of my repeated 'unkindnesses' to you.

I shall never stop loving you and my door will always be open to you once you decide to treat me with the civility I deserve. I can't believe that I have had to write a letter such as this but I am worn down by your determination to treat me like dirt. Perhaps the only way you'll find out what I have freely given over all these years is for me not to give it any longer.

BelleMere

CAFCGirl

From a personal point of view, if I called my mum for a chat and she said she was a bit busy, tied up etc and calls me back later, I wouldnt have a single problem with that.....

The same as if my mum calls me, and Im busy, and I'll call her back, then its fine because thats the adult reaction.
Things happen at certain times and its not always easy to take a call, however Im sure as a mother if your daughter phoned you and was distressed or upset, you'd drop what you were doing and be there for her, because again thats the adult thing to do when someone you love is in need.

I agree so far with many of the sentiments regarding your daughters behaviour. Yes, she is an adult, and she had the opportunity to move with you, and its not like you've left the country and severed all ties.
If she doesnt like living with her dad, because its cramped etc, then she KNOWS what she can do, she can move out on her own and live in the real world, or she can ask if she can come and live with you, and she can pay board.

It really frustrates me that the attitude of some people, grown adults, young adults, mature adolescents etc think that their parents are put on this earth solely to provide for them for their entire lives.
Parents are there to raise and guide you, to finding who you are as a person, and to always having love and support in their hearts for your venture and journey in life.

Quite frankly I think your daughters (both since it sounds like number 2 is going the same way) need to be told some home truths, including how much it pains you to feel that they are upset and mad at you, but at the end of the day, they are grown, and you have a life to lead....
I dont think you sound like you have working mothers guilt, I think you just sound like you feel guilty, that you're moral sense of whats right for your daughters doesnt match their self centred egotistical view of what they "deserve".....