upset about daughters behaviour

julie8314dave

Hi this may be long so sorry, but had to put down on paper to let go of how i am feeling.
I have three kids, 2 girls 19 and 23 years old, i son 7 years old. we moved 2 years ago to a lovely house and started a business, my eldest daughter did not want to come as she had a job and boyfreind so she stayed with her dad in a not very practical but one bedroom place, miles away from her bf. my ex and i have been divorced for 17 years, and i have been with my sons dad for 16 years. the girls get on great with my partner.

since we have been down here 65 miles away my eldest daughter has a couple of times been very nasty to me, like we went to euro disney for a couple of days before christmas last year taking my son for his birthday, my other daughter did not want to come with us. she said you live in a big house have lots of money and we are cramped up here,

what she does not realise is that when we divorced the house was sold, that my ex had not paid any money into for the last 15 years and he got half of it when it was sold, he then brought a one bed mobile home. i on the other hand met someone a year later put my money into another house and then moved on got lucky with house prices them brought a business, when we moved she was living with us, then had to move to her dads,

recently she told me that i had made her homeless, and all i cared about was my new life. beleive me i sent her money for everything to try and help her out, put her on my insurance , and the list goes on, she will not upset her dad for anything but treats me and talks to me like dirt.
i must add i have always been loving and supportive to my daughter, she had a four year turbulant relationship with her last boyfreind, this one is no better, but i have stood by her, sometimes she will ring up for a chat and i am really busy, and say can i ring you in a bit, but later on will say i have no time time for her. when do i stop trying to please her?

i also have my other daughter who is not working at the moment that has a few issues to deal with which we are working on.. to try and bring this to a close, about 2 months ago my youngest daughter was coming back home she had gone to see her dad for a few days and on the way home a car went into the back of them they both had a bit of whiplash but were both ok. i went out to them at the time of accident to try and help them as my daughter was very very distressed.


About a month ago my daughter (youngest) got a letter to say that she had to go and see a therapist regarding accident that was about 30 miles from where we live, i said to my daughter that i would not be able to take her as i was working, short staff one still away ill etc etc, and as it was the 4th january our first day back after the break it was inpossible for me to take her, she said she would tell her dad, a couple of times in the past month i have asked her if she has it sorted, she said yes. they told me it was about 6 miles from where her dad lives and that my eldest daughter would take her.

when looking at the letter again i noticed that it was not near her dad but about 30 miles from me. i rang her to tell her, she then text me to say that she was coming home saturday night, i stated that i still could not take her as before explained. my then oldest daughter once again stated that i was out of order for not taking her and that i did not mind taking her brother around and about and etc etc.

i have just about had enough of trying to do the right thinhg by everyone, i have a full on business a young son, elderley parents that have just moved into our road, and my other daughter who lives with us that i am trying to juggle taking her to meetings to get her back on her feet, when i say this to me older daughter she says " thats what mothers do" my partner said if i had an accident with my daughter would her dad be taking himself out of work for the day to take her ithink not.

my question is what should i be doing, am i doing to much, i feel wrenched part of me says put up with it part of me says ignore have nothing to do with her, but my son keeps asking when is

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coming down i feel so depressed and have been crying all weekend, i have written this now so that i can concentrate at work. any thoughts on this please xxxxxx

neneromanova

julie8314dave wrote: »

what she does not realise is that when we divorced the house was sold, that my ex had not paid any money into for the last 15 years and he got half of it when it was sold, he then brought a one bed mobile home. i on the other hand met someone a year later put my money into another house and then moved on got lucky with house prices them brought a business,

I would tell her this and if she asks her dad, ask him to show proof that he has paid anything for them. Also what does she expect you to do about her Dad living in a 1 bedroom house? Buy a new one? Me thinks that spending time with her Dad, he has started to influence her. He may not be intending on doing it, but just little comments like " stuck up so and so in their big house and all their money while I'm stuck here."

If this is also the case from the ex, me thinks a bit of the green eyed monster is showing his face.

Kazipoo

Your daughters are old enough to look after themselves in my opinion. By the age of 16 I was living away from home, paying my own rent and buying my own food. By the age of 21 I was married with one child. I know what I would do if my ungrateful daughter tried to play me off against my former partner... tell her to take a running jump.... its emotional blackmail and you are falling for it!

Tell her to grow up and stop feeling sorry for herself!

tanith

Your daughters are both grown women , tell them to get themselves wherever they have to go . Its not your responsibility to take them here and there.. your son however is a minor , do they expect him to travel around on his own? They sound very selfish and trying to guilt trip you, don't fall for it...

CRANKY40

I agree. Your daughters are both adults. You take your son "round and about" because he is 7, and a child. If you let him go to the doctors on his own, you would probably have social services in touch, sigh.

They are acting like spoilt children. By the time I was your eldest daughters age I had my own mortgage. Tell her if she doesn't like where she is living then it's up to her to get off her backside and do something about it. Whilst I realise that for the sake of family peace and harmony you probably won't tell her, please be assured that you have nothing to feel bad about.

MrsAnnie

They are manipulating you big time and for the sake of your sanity, I think it is time to put your foot down. I think they are acting like spoilt 'kids' because they know that their trantrums will get desired results.

As they are grown women, it is up to you to pick and choose what you do for them. And do it because you want to and not because you feel you have to. Very hard at first to set boundaries with family, but once they get used to mum no longer being their 'doormat', they will soon grow up and act like adults.

Mupette

Can't agree more with all the other posters.

The girls are grown women now, and should be doing things for themselves.

Remind the eldest that it was her choice to live in cramped conditions with her dad not yours.

someone does have the green eyed monster, and i wonder if it is the ex being bitter about you standing on your own feet without him.... and is telling the girls stuff to bite back at you.

Both girls should be living their own lives now, not expecting you to be their nanny.

Good luck

January20

I agree with all the posters before me. Your daughters are grown women and should learn to fend for themselves. Your son on the other hand is a child. At 23, I had been living alone in a foreign country for 2 years!

I think they are jealous because they are not really happy with their circumstances and , according to the way our modern society works, it is easier to blame you than to blame themselves for what is wrong in their lives. They also - deep down - know that whatever they do to you, you will always be there for them. They possibly don't have the same certainty about their father. (Take that as a compliment)

Having said that, it's time for you to put your foot down and learn to say "no". Regarding the financial side of things, your daughters are old enough to know the whole truth about any settlement/ agreement (or lack of) when you separated from their father. They also have to realise you have your own life to lead and responsibilities - and they are no longer your responsibility!

I think your daughters' attitude is a symptom of modern days, where youngsters want their independance, their freedom to do as they please, yet they want their parents at their beck and call, and the parents are there to oblige! (I find myself doing the same with my 17 yo dd sometimes so I'm not criticising you!)

Zazen999

I'm racking my old brains to try and remember at what age my mum stopped ferrying me round; and apart from picking me up from school once when I was 16 because I had the items that I made in woodwork to bring home; i think she stopped about aged 14...from then on I would make my own way round [buses, walk, cycle etc].

Next time she says 'that's what mothers do' tell her yes, that's what mothers do whilst their children are still children; not when they are grown adults.

You do need to learn to stick up for yourself - you know what they will say so learn some 'right back at you' phrases and use them.

donquine

Well, I have a different take on it from everyone else!

From reading your post, it seems to me that you have a much nicer home than your eldest daughter (DD1). Yes, you got lucky and her dad maybe didn't. But whether it's your fault or not, the end result is the same. She sees you having a much comfier life than her and is is a bit jealous. I'm not saying it's right or rational - jealousy never is - but you can understand it. If you hadn't moved away, chances are, DD1 would have moved out by now anyway, but I don't think being rational comes into it.

You sound like you put all hours of the day into your business and feel like you can't step away without it collapsing. You're the owner - is there any way you could make things easier for yourself? More delegation, maybe? You just sound so stressed out and worn out because of your business. No wonder your home life is upsetting you. When you get through the door, you're already tired.

DD1 might sound angry all the time, but I reckon she actually misses you. If you say you're too busy to speak to her - even if it's true - it hurts. At her age, most girls would expect their mums to stop looking after them so much and to move from being just a mum to being an adult too. But you've got a 7-year-old, so you're still very much doing all of the normal mum things. Just not for her. She can see you doing all the things you used to do for her for someone else - probably things she took for granted at the time - and she's a bit jealous.

Your business gets you enough money to help out DD1 and maybe even bail her out from time to time, but she doesn't want your money. She wants your time. Yes, she chose not to come with you. But it does mean she's had much less of you than your other daughter (DD2) and your son (DS) for the past 2 years. It is possible part of her regrets the decision she made but she doesn't want to admit it because a) she'd have done something wrong and b) she doesn't want to hurt her dad.

Is it possible for you to regularly set aside some time for her? Maybe a fixed time at the weekend where you always ring each other for a chat and a gossip? I think somewhere in that independent 20-something screaming at the world is a little girl who misses her mummy. She's not shouting because she hates you - she's shouting because she loves you, has messed up and doesn't know how to fix it.

PS I don't think you're in the wrong at all. I'm just trying to show you where DD1 is coming from.

BitterAndTwisted

You are your children's parent not their servant. As long as you agree to be manipulated, you will be colluding in their helplessness and selfishness. Make up in your own mind a list of the things you are prepared to do for them and the things you are not and stick to it. At 19 and 23 they are young adults not dependent children any longer and they need to be helped to attain their independence or they'll be round your neck for life like a pair of albatrosses and that's not fair to you or your daughters. What their father is and is not capable of or prepared to do is for him to decide.